Not content with ruining The Wizard of Oz, Oliver! and Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, it looks like Professional Scrotum Impersonator and Part Time Song Word Writerer, Andrew Lloyd Webber has declared his intentions on turning heresy into an all-singing, all dancing, some crying, and probably a few catty comments, contest.

Originally entitled ‘Superstar’, it is set to be played directly into our eyeballs in the Summer on ITV.

As we all know, but will recap for heathens not in the loop, Jesus Christ Superstar is about The Son Of Our Lord Amen, but through the eyes of Judas Iscariot during his ‘Maybe Paganism is the way to go’ phase. Iscariot becomes disenfranchised with Jesus’ teachings and other general prattlings (but not the magic. The magic is the bestest), believing that his claims are just that of a madman with a cult following. Much like One Direction, or Chris Brown, or Michael Jackson fans.* It’s basically the boring parts of Easter but with toe tappingly fantastic songs. But no eggs.

Lloyd Webber is teaming up with Steven Balsamo (who played Jesus in the 1990s stage show and not to be confused with Steve Buscemi) to find a new Jesus and Judas to pit against each other one more time, and take them all on a lovely arena tour around the country starting in the O2.

Completing the judging panel is the actress picked to play Mary Magdelene and another big star (Webber wants Meatloaf, we’d rather a colonoscopy with no lube).

The wrinkled foreskin said:

“I think it’s going to be very exciting. What I’m really excited about is we are taking it back to how it started in an arena. I’m looking for a rock band that can play 140 songs. I want the whole thing to be a complete rock band and I want to see if the kids can do it or not. It is the public who lead the casting process and they’ve got it absolutely right four times already.”

It’s a fantastic move to defect to ITV, because with the added razzamatazz that ITV allows itself (compared to the BBC’s self enforced stoicism), as well as tie in performances on The Royal Variety Performance and The Alan Titchmarsh Show, it looks like he might be onto a winner.

How could he lose with The Big Titch on his side? He’s the only Jesus we truly deserve.

Hey! Are you a big fan of Sean Kingston? Well, when you’ve finished taking a long, hard look at your depressing self and come to the realisation you don’t deserve the glorious ears bestowed upon your tasteless skull, there’s some news that may interest you!

Mr Sean Kingston of Popsville would like you, his clearly troubled fans, to pester him more.

That’s right! He’s requesting that, should you see him walkin’ down the street (we could turn this into a joke, playing off a lyric from a famous song, but you twunts wouldn’t get it because you spend all your time listening to Sean Kingston and other tween dross), you should totally stop him for a nice chat.

Kingston, when he’s not careering into concrete bridges face-first, wants you to stop him when he’s going about his business and ask him for an autograph.

In return, he’ll thank you for your devotion.

That includes instances such as funerals, sexual health check-ups and having a poo. He doesn’t mind. Stop him and talk at him.

You may even want to get into his private property and tell him how much you love him. He doesn’t mind! He’s more worried that you’ll be too self-conscious to pally up with him.

He says:

“Humbleness is the most beautiful thing and I just want my fans to know that I’m humble and I love all of u guys!! Anytime yall meet me in… person… Airport, shows, mall etc… Don’t be afraid or shy to come up to me and ask for pics or an autograph cause you all made me…”

Eventually, he’ll snap and get one of his security to mangle your limbs, but until then, enjoy the Sean Kingston ride of a lifetime!

Remember Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi? That was pretty funny wasn’t it? After all, he was a Nazi at one point. He was a massive, massive… well… tiny Nazi in the Hitler Youth. Of course, the Nazism is nothing compared to the whole Catholicism thing.

Of course, you can’t go around calling a Pope negative names and not expect some heat from those mass-loving lunatics.

So step right up Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights to lay the holy smackdown! Probably in Latin too! Because Catholics are all completely mental and like responding to priests in a language they don’t understand! The cads!

Naturally, Catholics don’t believe in God enough to be confident in the fact that Himself will punish her come judgement day, so they have to run their righteous mouths off in a most unChristian fashion.

Donohue says:

“She’s a despicable person to make these kinds of despicable remarks!”

The elephant in the room, waddling behind this comment is the one that everyone is thinking right now, and that its a bit rich for an organisation from the Catholic church to call anyone’s actions ‘despicable’.

You’d have to be pretty dumb to fail to notice the horrific, systematic misdeeds carried out for centuries by Catholics in the name of Jeebus.

Wait. Donohue’s not finished.

“It is very hard to find someone dumber than [Sarandon].”

“He deserted the Hitler Youth at the first moment! She doesn’t know what she’s talking about…To blame him for something that he was never responsible for; he was forced to join as every boy his age was. Unlike the others, he deserted.”

Donohue said he won’t even seek an apology from the “hard-core leftist” actress because “she is ignorant and full of hatred to the Catholic Church.”

Yep. That’d be the organisation who believes in a celestial being getting a virgin preggo and, resultantly, causing millions of cases of child abuse and sexual molestation while helping African countries to riddle themselves with dreadful diseases because Jesus didn’t like rubbers.

We’ll stop there before a rant forms.

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God isn’t having a good time of it lately. His representatives on Earth aren’t doing It any favours. Of course, God Itself is a spiteful, vengeful chump anyway and made man in Its own image, so It only has Itself to blame.

Going after the Almighty is Susan Sarandon. Of course, you can’t kick God in the shins so you have to pick on the next best thing… and that happens to be Pope Benedict: The Godwaffe.

Discussing her role in Dead Man, which saw her sending a copy to The Pope, she was asked ‘which pope?’ That’s when the Catholics got jumpy and started muttering ‘You wouldn’t get people talking about Muslims like that… it’s so unfair.’ Maybe if you started flying planes into buildings, we might be a little more scared of pointing out how mental some of you are, eh?

So. To the ‘which Pope’ question, Sarandon answered:

“The last one. Not this Nazi one we have now.”

Of course, Pope Benedict spent time as a member of the Hitler Youth. Naturally, it’s worth pointing out that it was likely that he was forced to do that, so it’s a bit unfair to tarnish him with that.

Either way, the whole Nazi thing is nothing compared to the whole Catholic thing. See, of the two organisations, the Catholic church is way more mental and evil than the Nazi Party. For a start, the Nazis got their arses handed to them in a tall hat. The Catholic Church? It still runs entire countries and hides sex-offenders up their priest holes!

So while Pope Benny may be tired of being called a Hitler loving git-hammock, he’ll be more tired of the constant allegations that his organisation likes to fuck with kids (both metaphorically and literal).

See, a report from the BBC is suggesting that the Catholic church in Spain, with the help of Nice Guy Franco and his Cuddly Dictatorship, stole babies from mothers and sold them!

That’s right folks! Spain is currently rubbing it’s eyes in disbelief at the allegations that the Catholic church stole and trafficked of thousands of babies. Those loveable nuns and priests did this up ’til the ’90s!

Nuns would inform mothers that their newborn had died and there was no way of seeing the body. Of course, after the initial gut-wrenching heartache subsided, the mothers went onto to a life of nightclubs and cocktails while those unlucky enough to keep their babies slid into a joyless, shriek-filled life.

We’re missing the point aren’t we?

The Spanish government are even admitting that the church stole children, with one government spokesperson called Nunez saying:

“I don’t dare to come up with figures… but from the volume of official investigations I dare to say there were many.”

Lawyers believe that up to 300,000 babies were swiped.

Basically, it seems that Franco and the church teamed up and took babies from parents deemed “undesirable” and placing them with “approved” families, from the ’30s onward. For money. Better yet, is that one Spanish magazine published photographs of a dead baby kept in a freezer at the San Ramon clinic, which was (allegedly) used as ‘proof’ to show mothers that their child had died.

Wait.

This isn’t funny. We’re wondering toward the territory of being serious.

Fear not dear reader! You forgot one thing! Regardless of the situation, absolutely everything is approximately three thousand times funnier if it involves a nun.

HURRAY! COMEDY WINS!

Sorry accidental orphans.

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Remember when we told you that God tried to kill Sean Kingston? Well, the young singer is about to defy Our Lord Whatshisface all over again by going jet-skiing after cheating certain death.

Talking to the press for the first time since he cracked his skull open on the side of a Miami bridge, the singer who once opined that Beautiful Girls make him ‘suicidal’ was noticeably slimmer as he discussed his recovery.

God gave Sean a shattered wrist, a broken jaw and water in his lung and has spent months eating his tea through a feeding tube with his head wired up. Not content with the warning from God, Sean fully intends to climb on a jet ski again and show that pesky universe ruler what’s what.

Initially, when Sean was ready to leave the hospital, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. God had decided to hit him with a bolt of the agony that doctors said was a 9 on a pain scale of 0-10.

He promptly had to have open-heart surgery. Then, God gave him some complications, which meant that Kingston was sent for further open-heart surgery.

Not taking the hint that God really hates jet skiing, Kingston says:

“I’m definitely going to be jet-skiing again. I have to overcome my fear. It wasn’t the jet ski, it was not knowing the area.”

However, as a get-out clause, Kingston has also noted that he’s renewed his faith in God and now attends church every Sunday.

God has answered our requests for an interview, but a source close to The Almighty is under the impression that God is waiting before making another move in this battle of wits. Wits and concrete bridges.

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You rotten swinebrains thought we were making things up when we told you that God Almighty tried to kill Sean Kingston when he careered into a concrete bridge with his face in Miami.

You thought that we were just jesting you when we reported that God wanted to teach Kingston a lesson for singing about suicide. We weren’t! And now we have massive proof all over the place!

The giant fact is that Sean Kingston has said ‘GOD IS GREAT!’ in his first tweet since his divine accident which nearly killed him by taking his head clean off.

That’s right non-believers! God definitely exists and he’s clearly a murderous, spiteful bastard who tried to fell one of the greatest soul singers who ever walked our cursed planet.

Kingston tweeted:

“Feeling alot better! GOD IS GREAT! Thanks for all the prayers and support! Love you ALL!”

This saw his fans quickly realising that they needed to convert and fast! One responded with

“u r amazing sean. i m so glad thanks GOD get well i love u.”

Of course, fans weren’t the only ones winking at God Almighty while offering support for Kingston’s ailing timber.

Justin Bieber, rumoured to be the next big thing in the Christian world (note that he recently got Jesus’ name tattooed on his in Hebrew), said:

“Got my friend @seankingston in my prayers tonight. a true friend and big bro. please keep him in your prayers tonight as well.”

Even Rihanna, who has made a living out of bondage imagery and groping underage fans on the arse in photographs, not to mention shooting rapists (that said, groping youngsters is a very Catholic thing to do and shooting rapists is the kind of vengeful business that God will surely approve of), tweeted:

“Sean we praying for u baby.”

And now, because God is clearly feeling guilty about Kingston’s holy bloodshed, he’s now got him walking around and breathing on his own.

The next step is stigmata and a autotuned album of hymns. You didn’t believe us last time… you should certainly believe us now.

LOLLELUJAH!

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Sean Kingston, as you know, collided with a bridge at high speed. He was on a jet ski as opposed to, y’know, running on water. He isn’t Jesus, although, they do have similarities such as the ability to cure lepers and their mutual loathing of Ancient Rome.

Anyway, Sean was looking like he was going to shrug off his massive frame and join the choir invisible for a while, but it seems that he’s got out of his bed and started tottering around, which is good isn’t it?

Mainly because, if Kingston is our new saviour – which we suspect he is – this resurrection will mean we get another national holiday. Well done to Sean Kingston for that. And well done God for saving his second eldest.

See, we reported you up with the facts that Sean Kingston careered into a bridge as an act of God. It seemed like The Lord wanted to teach a lesson to the second son he begat all over us.

That’s because God is a vengeful git mix who likes to toy with us mortals. His will to play with the destiny of his own flesh and blood only serves to show that he’s got no favourites. That said, nepotism is never far away with The Almighty as he only seems to resurrect his own.

Which isn’t on. Not one bit.

And so, millions of Christian pilgrims now surround the Miami Memorial Hospital as the reggae-pop singer climbs to his feet, able to walk again.

Sean’s representative (now ‘disciple’) Joseph Carozza confirmed:

“Sean is breathing on his own and walked for the first time this morning. [He] continues to be hospitalized at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. His condition has been upgraded to serious.”

“Sean thanks his friends, family and fans for their outpouring of prayers and well wishes.”

The representative then fell to his knees, averting his tear-filled eyes before flogging his bared back with thorny shrubs.

The religious fervour didn’t escape other celebrities either, who suddenly revealed a more spiritual side to them, despite portraying lives of grotesque, selfish wealth.

Rihanna tweeted, while wearing a bondage basque:

“Sean we praying for u baby”

Meanwhile, Justin Bieber who had cleverly got Jesus’ name tattooed on his arm-pit in Herbrew recently (cementing his place next to Kingston when the time comes), said:

“got my friend @seankingston in my prayers tonight. a true friend and big bro. please keep him in your prayers tonight as well.”

Ladies and pricks: He truly is the Kingston of Kings. AUTOTUNED HALLELUJAH!

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Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.

Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.

And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!

Even more amusing is that Lovato’s parents were so concerned about their starlet daughter’s well-being, that they needed to stage an intervention!

IMAGINE! HAHAHA! HOW FALL DOWN FUNNY!

The young star was treated in rehab for ‘emotional and physical issues’ in November after she promptly went about attacking one of her dancers while on tour with The Jonas Brothers. The only thing we see wrong there is that she didn’t attack The Jonas Brothers.

Either way, this PANT WETTING breakdown was coupled with a OOH STOP IT MY SIDES ARE HURTING FROM LAUGHING eating disorder, leaving Lovato with the most uproarious, mirth inducing battle with her self image, ever!

WAIT! WHAT’S THIS? WE CAN BARELY CONTAIN OUR GUFFAWS! She’s apparently been self-harming as well!

Lovato says:

“I basically had a nervous breakdown.”

“I was really bad off. My parents and my manager pulled me aside and said, “You need to get some help.” It was an intervention. I wanted freedom from the inner demons. I wanted to start my life over.”

HAHAHA! HOW BRILLIANTLY FUNNY!

And now, in a move that will see us referring to her as a mewing, self-worthing tit, she’s teamed up with some people to help young women to tackle self-esteem issues, fronting the ‘Love is Louder Than The Pressure to Be Perfect’ campaign.

YEAH! WHATEVER! DO A SUICIDE BID OR SOMETHING!

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You may, like hecklerspray, be a great big stinkin’ heathen and not believe in any religion of any sort. Or, of course, you might have felt the calling of a higher spirit or whatever. No matter what you believe, there’s no denying that of all the deities, Jesus has some of the best records.

That’s not to say Jesus has a wonderful record collection of rare Beach Boy acetates and the first German test-pressings of Kraftwerk albums, but rather, thanks to being taken on by America, he’s had some of the best songs written about him. Or Him.

And so, let us delve into Jesus’ back catalogue.

Through rock ‘n’ roll, gospel, the blues, folk and country, Jesus got a great testament from mere mortals and, while this writer may not believe, it’s hard not to believe in what Sister Rosetta Tharpe and Mahalia Jackson sing about.

While we may not believe the message, we certainly believe in their belief, which is good enough.

So, this playlist features Johnny Cash, Aretha Franklin, Sam Cooke and stars from the world of country and doo-wop and should tick your boxes in an old-timey way, unless of course, you’re a sneering prick who refuses to even indulge because you nearly read that Richard Dawkins book.

Spotify Playlist – Songs For Jesus And Nonbelievers

Too Late – Jewel Gospel Trio

Have More Faith In Jesus – Rev. Gary Davis

Pure Religion – Sister Rosetta Tharpe

Nobody Knows The Trouble I See – Dixie Hummingbirds

I Am A Pilgrim – The Country Gentlemen

Were You There When They Crucified My Lord? – Bill Monroe

Yield Not To Temptation – Aretha Franklin

Joshua Fought The Battle Of Jericho – Mahalia Jackson

Sea of Galilee – The Carter Family

Jesus Is Just Alright With Me – Doobie Brothers

Good News -The Staple Singers

The Christian Life – The Louvin Brothers

God’s Gonna Cut ‘Em Down – The Golden Gate Quartet

Will The Circle Be Unbroken – Leon Russell

Gabriel’s Call – Hazel & Alice

Farther Along – Rose Maddox

Walk Around Me My Lord – The Sensational Wonders

My God Is Real – Al Green

Without The Help Of Jesus – The Blind Boys Of Alabama

Must Jesus Bear This Cross Alone? – Sam Cooke

Jesus On The Mainline – Ry Cooder

There’ll Be Peace In The Valley For Me – Johnny Cash

Click here to listen to the Songs For Jesus Spotify playlist. If you don’t have Spotify, we’re pretty sure you can work out a way of hearing these songs.

HALLELUJAH!

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It doesn’t matter if you’re a vaguely famous human, you’re still a human. That means you’re still prone to being an unreasonable, ratty, snarky prick. Take troubled Disney star (we’re legally obliged to say that every time we mention her name) Demi Lovato for example. She’s been acting like a tool after being dumped by a Jonas Brother.

She sent a bitchy email, probably flooding her keyboard with mascara filled fluid, to her ex-Joe Jonas’ current beau Ashley Greene.

Apparently, Lovato was so pissed-off by the Clone-ass Brother’s decision to date Ashley Greene and… well… his decision to flaunt her and rub Lovato’s nose in it like forcing a puppy’s face in its own excrement when it makes a mess of the new rug, that she fired off what has been described as “a very nasty e-mail” to Greene.

Allegedly, Lovato was thunderously angry for…

“stealing her boyfriend and parading him around with him on tour.”

If you recall (which you won’t. That’s why we’re here. We remember all this crap to regurgitate it back to you as context for pointless drivelling stories like this), Jonas invited Greene along on the Camp Rock 2 tour, which Lovato was also performing on. Lovato then mysteriously jacked the tour in and went mental.

So this is a tale of a mad girl sniping at a happy couple? Not quite. See, Greene decided to poke glass in the open sores by responding in kind.

It is reported that an email was sent to Lovato of Greene and The Jonas Brother together looking really happy and junk. If she was really nasty, she would have been cradling a Jonas ballbag while holding a crudely made sign saying “Remember these? They’re mine now – you insane witch!”

Instead, it is more likely that the email said “LEAVE US ALONE!”

Of course, at the start of this month, Lovato entered a rehab facility for “emotional and physical issues,” after allegedly getting into a physical altercation with someone called Alex “Shorty” Welch. He’s a backup dancer on the Camp Rock tour.

Ladies and gents! We might just have a new mentalist to fill the boots on Lindsay Lohan, should she decide to clean her act up. Sounds like Lovato is a real-deal nutjob, unlike Taylor Momsen who is merely playing at it while parading her brattishness around (or, as they’re known normally, ‘tits’).

Come on Demi! We want more nutso action from you! Kill someone! Take drugs! Saw a leg off! Our helplessly pointless and empty lives are depending on you!

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Demi Lovato is something of a troubled star. For a kick-off, she’s religious. Secondly, she went out with one of the Jonas Brothers. It is little wonder that she ended up getting treatment for ‘emotional and physical issues’. A god-fearing woman who dry-humped with one of the most boring humans ever to walk the Earth. Poor lamb.

Still, at least she can take solace from the fact that people would like to give her money to bare her genitals.

That’s right. One company who deal in bongo films have made Lovato a most curious offer. Basically, they’re willing to pay for something that doesn’t exist. Presumably, that means we can all have non-existent wanks then?

Lovato, who was in Camp Rock, should you be staring at her face and wondering who the shitting crikey she is, has the opportunity to pocket $100,000 once she gets out of rehab… provided she signs over the rights to the sex tape that doesn’t exist.

Let it be on record that hecklerspray have a non-existent sex tape featuring all the writers wriggling around in each other’s debasery and muck and are completely willing to sign over the rights to it for anything in the region of 80 pence upwards.

Anyway, TMZ have obtained a letter from the kindly souls at Pornhub who are offering Demi the chance to be featured on their site.

The letter says:

“You don’t have to star with male talent, we are willing to accept a solo or Girl-Girl scene just as long as it’s shot in HD.”

The chances of an American Christian who nearly held-hands with a Jonas being in a video involving any sort of sexy sexiness at all is slim, let alone her getting off with a girl or having a leaky solo-bang. If those videos did exist, then you can be sure that they would close with God-fearing Demi weeping openly on her bed, praying for forgiveness and ringing up a priest for a quick exorcism.

In fairness, that would probably stick another $100,000 on the asking price for the tape. Which doesn’t exist.

Demi’s representatives have said:

“Perpetrating these completely unfounded rumors from supposed sources while Demi is in treatment dealing with serious physical and emotional issues is disgusting.”

“The sourcing on this report is so spotty that it is hard to fully respond.”

Who read spotty and thought of sickly genitals? Just us? Oh.

Still, the rumours abound about Lovato. Some people are claiming that Demi’s uncle Francisco kept people out of her dressing rooms and the like while she had sex inside… which is one of the more distressing images to flash through the celebrity gossip radar in 2010.

Demi’s rep, to paraphrase, says that this suggestion is a load of bollocks.

Anyway, nice to see that people are willing to offer money for tapes of private moments to someone while they’re in a treatment centre crying all the fluid from their body and wondering whether life is worth living.

Merry Christmas every one of us! Apart from Muslims, Hindus and anyone else who doesn’t believe in Christianity. Although not including those who don’t believe in Jesus, but like getting presents.

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Religion. Is it really the work of a few select individuals who carefully recorded what their various prophets said?

Or did the subsequent writings which form The Bible, The Quran and The Torah come as a result from a binge on hallucinogenic mushrooms? We couldn’t possibly comment, but we do know that some Christians don’t believe in dinosaurs. Haven’t they seen Jurassic Park?

Back when most religious texts where written, they all came to the conclusion that gays were evil. But we all know those views are so 2000AD. Why haven’t the church done a 2010 remix version of The Bible? You know, one that accepts gays in to society. We don’t hang them any more. Nowadays they are allowed to drive, own pets and even have jobs. Just like Elton John. He’s openly gay and makes nice piano based songs. Why wouldn’t the church like him? Perhaps calling senior prophet Jesus H. Christ gay doesn’t help. Silly Elton.

We are shocked at the allegations stated by Elton John. After all, we read The Bible when we were at school and didn’t feel any gayer as a result. But what about the story of Genesis, where a naked man and woman wandered around talking to evil snakes? If anything, it seemed like a warped version of Disney’s The Jungle Book. But how we were to tell any different?

So what exactly did Elton John say to upset various members of the God squad? In an interview with US magazine Parade, he was supposed to have said that Jesus was a:

“Compassionate, super intelligent gay man who understood human problems”.

As a result, various Christian do-gooders have gotten a little bit angry with the comments and retorted. We doubt Jesus is spinning due to the comments, but director of right-wing US Christian group Christian Voice Stephen Green dismissed the claim as rubbish. He then added:

“The Bible says Jesus was without sin and that rules out homosexuality. This is a desperate cry for attention”.

But what if Elton John is right? Are the Christians simply trying to drown him out with angry tuts? Have the supposed experts missed a few obvious gaytastic traits that Jesus possessed? Let us explain:

1 – Jesus’ posse of friends were known as his disciples. However, all of them were men. That’s right, this means he spent all day in the company of twelve men. Of course, this was perfect for talking about tits and having no women around to stop them playing football. But don’t men get urges of the sexual kind? Who knows what manly feelings got expressed. This could have easily led to many gay orgies.

2 – Apart from Jesus, we all know David Blaine is quite good at doing all sorts of mental illusions. However, the most famous magic trick Jesus did was turning water and bread in to wine and fish. Hello! Wine and fish? What about lager and steak? Everyone knows only gay men drink wine and eat fish.

3 – When Jesus wasn’t curing the sick or walking on water, his daytime job was to make tables and fix chairs. After all, he was a carpenter. But working long hours in the baking sun would make him hot and sweaty, forcing him to take off his top and arouse his work apprentice Dave. This is the stuff of gay porn!

So, when should we expect the phonecall to start rewriting The Bible for a post modern generation? We promise not to include any Catholic-style priest-on-choirboy action. Unless we do get permission for a XXX version.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The trouble with time travel is that if you go to the past and step on a butterfly, that butterfly’s family will then travel to the future and murder you and everyone you love.

We can’t remember how that old adage goes, actually. That makes the Chronovisor, invented by Father Pellegrino Ernetti, quite convenient. On it, you see, you can view the past without disturbing it – TV style.

The paranormal world can stand impressively on it’s own two feet until you ask for concrete evidence of this or that. When that happens the whole thing can crumble right before an unbeliever’s eyes. Believers though – well they’re busy making evidence of their own – like the Spiricom - remember that thing? It was the machine that communicated with the dead. A few conversations using it were caught on tape – including one where the dead guy talked carrots. It’s fascinating, really.

And then there’s the Psychomanteum. That’s used for dead talking too, but it uses a lot less wires and circuit boards than the Spiricom.

Now the Chronovisor, on the other hand, it doesn’t talk to the dead – but it will let you see them. In the past we mean. Because it’s a time travel machine. Not the kind that leaves flaming skid marks – no – those one’s actually transport you to the past. Hypothetically. The Chronovisor just lets you view transpired events from the comfort of your favourite arm chair.

This according to Wikipedia:

“The chronovisor was portrayed as a large cabinet with a normal cathode ray tube for viewing the received events and a series of buttons, levers, and other controls for selecting the time and the location to be viewed. It could also focus and track specific people. According to its inventor, it worked by receiving, decoding and reproducing the electromagnetic radiation left behind from past events, though it could also pick up sound waves.”

Now if you had a machine like that, what would you tune in to first? The murder of JFK? Roswell? Your horny parents conceiving you?

Well if you were a Catholic priest, you’d probably want to watch the crucifixion. And photograph it. Like it says the machine’s inventor Father Pellegrino Ernetti did here on Wikipedia:

“He said that he observed, among other historical events, Christ’s crucifiction and photographed it. A photo of this, Ernetti said, appeared in the May 2, 1972 issue of La Domenica del Corriere, an Italian weekly news magazine.”

Obviously there was a lot of doubt and scepticism regarding Ernetti’s claims. The picture of the crucified Christ (see attached), for instance, looked an awful lot like a wood carving made by some famous or not-famous pocket knife sculptor.

To top it off, there were rumours that on his death bed Ernetti took it all back in a last ditch effort to not walk through the pearly gates with a weird lie in tow.

Also, he said the machine got dismantled in the Vatican or something – so just because nobody can show it to you doesn’t mean it never existed. If you’re the type of person who needs to see it to believe it, well, you’re probably never gonna believe it, and you’re stupid anyway. Right, Ernetti?

If it did exist it’s a real shame it’s been reduced to a pile of pieces. Think of all the murders that could be solved with something like that. Also – you could keep rewinding and watching that one awesome game-saving catch you made in the seventh grade that caused your teammates to hoist you on shoulder and carry you briskly through a shower of ticker tape and the keys to several cities.

Man, back then you were good, weren’t you?

If only your dad had brought his stupid camera.

Your kids will never believe you.

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Madonna is said to be considering getting married to her 22-year-old partner, Jesus Luz. Yes, you heard us.

In a series of rather comical coincidences – that you could not make up unless you were hell-bent on being labelled a heathen – the queen of the baby-snatchers is rumoured to wish to marry her child boyfriend.

Not that we’re judging, mind you. This is ruddy Madonna we’re talking about. Let’s face it, short of long-division, there’s nothing that she cannot do. Except wear trousers. And not grind her hip bones into a fine powder, as she dry humps her dancers in every video.

Madonna currently has five children; her two biological ones Lourdes and Rocco, and her two adopted kids Mercy and David. Then there’s the fifth. Jesus. Whom no one seems to realise must be some other child she adopted. We’ve read somewhere he’s supposed to be her boyfriend, but that’s just silliness if ever we heard it. Jesus is clearly still a child, and he actually appears to be shaving off peach fuzz each morning, in lieu of something rugged-looking that more closely resembles facial hair.

Well, whoever Jesus is, he and his non-mother are about to break a taboo or twenty, according to rumours. News has resurfaced this week claiming that Madonna wants to marry Jesus, with whom she enjoys her first relationship – of sorts – since she divorced an adult male by the name of Guy Ritchie.

One can assume that wedding rumours have come to light, once more, as Madonna is no longer shy about being seen in public with a man less than half her age. Where they used to arrive and leave certain events separately, they are now always arm-in-arm. That’s no real surprise though – as it’s only polite for a nice young man to escort an elderly woman up and down pesky steps in such a manner. We kid, we kid.

The two are now all about being out in the open. Madonna even put Jesus in her new music video for Celebration. The title track of her greatest hits album. The video for which features another of her children, daughter Lourdes.

From the Daily Mail:

Madonna is preparing to marry her toyboy lover Jesus Luz, according to reports. The 51-year-old singer is lining up to defy critics of her nine-month relationship with the young Brazilian model and make him the next Mr Madonna before the end of the year.  The extraordinary claim came from a biographer of Madonna’s, Randy Taraborrelli. She reportedly said of Luz: ‘He’s so sweet. He checks in with me all the time. I probably should do the same, but you know me. I think he gets it now that I’m a little – shall we say –self-involved.’

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is all kinds of aces.

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It’s good when C-list celebrities share their political views isn’t it? Like the time Lee Ryan Out Of Blue told America to stop harping on about 9/11 because an elephant had just died somewhere. Or words to that effect.

What’s even better than C-list celebrities sharing their political opinions is Z-list celebrities espousing their theological beliefs.

Recently it was the turn of Speech Debelle to emit some spiritual pellets of wisdom.

If you’ve never heard of Speech Debelle, don’t worry. Her album may have failed to chart previously, but the most important thing now is that you pretend you knew about her ages ago because she’s just won this year’s Mercury prize.

In a pre-Mercury interview, she spectacularly revealed that the Second Coming may already have been and gone, in the form of Michael Jackson. Now, it would be easy for us to make jokes about how he certainly ‘touched’ children, but that would be highly clichéd, not to mention a little insensitive. So we’ll leave it to her:

“Jesus went around preaching the gospel and touching people to make the blind see and making lepers better. Michael Jackson’s gone around the world and done that … apparently, I don’t know if this is true, there were kids around him who had cancer that didn’t have cancer any more.”

It’s a good point.

We’re not sure if the children in question had undergone intensive medical treatment or extensive chemotherapy at any point, but that’s irrelevant. Medical research has shown that if you simply place a pop star in front of a sick child, the cancer will just run on out of them. Especially if the pop star in question has got a funny-looking nose. Fact.

If you’re hoping for a miracle cure from MJ though, you’ll be sorely disappointed. In case you missed it, he’s dead. Which is another way in which Jesus and Jacko are basically the same – they’re both dead.

Apparently Barry Manilow is still available for medical emergencies however, but he’s only really good at curing colds and sniffles, not so much with the cancer. And even then, all he does is give you a few Handy Andies and make you a Lemsip.

But, back to ways in which MJ and Jesus are almost definitely one and the same.

It’s a historical fact that Jesus came back to life as a rabbit on Easter Sunday and since then Christians have celebrated by eating chocolate. So, it looks like Michael’s going to have to do some serious resurrecting, and fast, if we’re to believe he really was the Messiah incarnate.

Well the good news is, he already has. Irrefutable film evidence exists which clearly shows Jacko’s ghost having a stroll around his house. Either that or some shadows. You can judge for yourself with this YouTube vid.

Damning stuff, you’re sure to agree.

This was a guest post by Leah Kayles from Smell My Cheese, which is actually quite wonderful.

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