Not content with ruining The Wizard of Oz, Oliver! and Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, it looks like Professional Scrotum Impersonator and Part Time Song Word Writerer, Andrew Lloyd Webber has declared his intentions on turning heresy into an all-singing, all dancing, some crying, and probably a few catty comments, contest.
Originally entitled ‘Superstar’, it is set to be played directly into our eyeballs in the Summer on ITV.
As we all know, but will recap for heathens not in the loop, Jesus Christ Superstar is about The Son Of Our Lord Amen, but through the eyes of Judas Iscariot during his ‘Maybe Paganism is the way to go’ phase. Iscariot becomes disenfranchised with Jesus’ teachings and other general prattlings (but not the magic. The magic is the bestest), believing that his claims are just that of a madman with a cult following. Much like One Direction, or Chris Brown, or Michael Jackson fans.* It’s basically the boring parts of Easter but with toe tappingly fantastic songs. But no eggs.
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Hey! Are you a big fan of Sean Kingston? Well, when you’ve finished taking a long, hard look at your depressing self and come to the realisation you don’t deserve the glorious ears bestowed upon your tasteless skull, there’s some news that may interest you!
Mr Sean Kingston of Popsville would like you, his clearly troubled fans, to pester him more.
That’s right! He’s requesting that, should you see him walkin’ down the street (we could turn this into a joke, playing off a lyric from a famous song, but you twunts wouldn’t get it because you spend all your time listening to Sean Kingston and other tween dross), you should totally stop him for a nice chat.
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Remember Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi? That was pretty funny wasn’t it? After all, he was a Nazi at one point. He was a massive, massive… well… tiny Nazi in the Hitler Youth. Of course, the Nazism is nothing compared to the whole Catholicism thing.
Of course, you can’t go around calling a Pope negative names and not expect some heat from those mass-loving lunatics.
So step right up Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights to lay the holy smackdown! Probably in Latin too! Because Catholics are all completely mental and like responding to priests in a language they don’t understand! The cads!
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God isn’t having a good time of it lately. His representatives on Earth aren’t doing It any favours. Of course, God Itself is a spiteful, vengeful chump anyway and made man in Its own image, so It only has Itself to blame.
Going after the Almighty is Susan Sarandon. Of course, you can’t kick God in the shins so you have to pick on the next best thing… and that happens to be Pope Benedict: The Godwaffe.
Discussing her role in Dead Man, which saw her sending a copy to The Pope, she was asked ‘which pope?’ That’s when the Catholics got jumpy and started muttering ‘You wouldn’t get people talking about Muslims like that… it’s so unfair.’ Maybe if you started flying planes into buildings, we might be a little more scared of pointing out how mental some of you are, eh?
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Remember when we told you that God tried to kill Sean Kingston? Well, the young singer is about to defy Our Lord Whatshisface all over again by going jet-skiing after cheating certain death.
Talking to the press for the first time since he cracked his skull open on the side of a Miami bridge, the singer who once opined that Beautiful Girls make him ‘suicidal’ was noticeably slimmer as he discussed his recovery.
God gave Sean a shattered wrist, a broken jaw and water in his lung and has spent months eating his tea through a feeding tube with his head wired up. Not content with the warning from God, Sean fully intends to climb on a jet ski again and show that pesky universe ruler what’s what.
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You rotten swinebrains thought we were making things up when we told you that God Almighty tried to kill Sean Kingston when he careered into a concrete bridge with his face in Miami.
You thought that we were just jesting you when we reported that God wanted to teach Kingston a lesson for singing about suicide. We weren’t! And now we have massive proof all over the place!
The giant fact is that Sean Kingston has said ‘GOD IS GREAT!’ in his first tweet since his divine accident which nearly killed him by taking his head clean off.
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Sean Kingston, as you know, collided with a bridge at high speed. He was on a jet ski as opposed to, y’know, running on water. He isn’t Jesus, although, they do have similarities such as the ability to cure lepers and their mutual loathing of Ancient Rome.
Anyway, Sean was looking like he was going to shrug off his massive frame and join the choir invisible for a while, but it seems that he’s got out of his bed and started tottering around, which is good isn’t it?
Mainly because, if Kingston is our new saviour – which we suspect he is – this resurrection will mean we get another national holiday. Well done to Sean Kingston for that. And well done God for saving his second eldest.
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Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.
Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.
And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!
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