jesus - HecklerSpray

Jason Donovan Gets TV Work: A Guide To Donovitis

March 13th, 2012 By Robin Darke

It's time to invest heavily in padded panty liners and cod liver oil tablets because Jason Donovan has just been announced as one of the new judges set to fill Andrew Lloyd Webber?s new talent search show. Tentatively entitled Superstar because it looks for the leads in Lloyd Webber?s newest obsession; trying to make money from Jesus.

As if Easter wasn?t enough.

Donovan is the housewife?s favourite with a career heavily reliant on his good looks and charming, inoffensive words, churning out album after album of mediocre covers and books to satiate the hidden desires of women who regret their decision to marry your father and want to run away and live on Ramsay Street with Donovan and Craig McLachlan and Harold Bishop.

Andrew Lloyd Webber On The Hunt For Jesus (Still Claims To Not Be Crazy)

January 19th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Not content with ruining The Wizard of Oz, Oliver! and Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, it looks like Professional Scrotum Impersonator and Part Time Song Word Writerer, Andrew Lloyd Webber has declared his intentions on turning heresy into an all-singing, all dancing, some crying, and probably a few catty comments, contest.

Originally entitled ?Superstar?, it is set to be played directly into our eyeballs in the Summer on ITV.

As we all know, but will recap for heathens not in the loop, Jesus Christ Superstar is about The Son Of Our Lord Amen, but through the eyes of Judas Iscariot during his ?Maybe Paganism is the way to go? phase. Iscariot becomes disenfranchised with Jesus? teachings and other general prattlings (but not the magic. The magic is the bestest), believing that his claims are just that of a madman with a cult following. Much like One Direction, or Chris Brown, or Michael Jackson fans.* It's basically the boring parts of Easter but with toe tappingly fantastic songs. But no eggs.

Sean Kingston Wants You To Pester Him Constantly, Forever, Until He Eventually Snaps

December 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Are you a big fan of Sean Kingston? Well, when you’ve finished taking a long, hard look at your depressing self and come to the realisation you don’t deserve the glorious ears bestowed upon your tasteless skull, there’s some news that may interest you!

Mr Sean Kingston of Popsville would like you, his clearly troubled fans, to pester him more.

That’s right! He’s requesting that, should you see him walkin’ down the street (we could turn this into a joke, playing off a lyric from a famous song, but you twunts wouldn’t get it because you spend all your time listening to Sean Kingston and other tween dross), you should totally stop him for a nice chat.

Catholic League Keep Straight Face And Show Mass Amnesia When Calling Susan Sarandon ‘Despicable’

October 19th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Remember Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi? That was pretty funny wasn’t it? After all, he was a Nazi at one point. He was a massive, massive… well… tiny Nazi in the Hitler Youth. Of course, the Nazism is nothing compared to the whole Catholicism thing.

Of course, you can’t go around calling a Pope negative names and not expect some heat from those mass-loving lunatics.

So step right up Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights to lay the holy smackdown! Probably in Latin too! Because Catholics are all completely mental and like responding to priests in a language they don’t understand! The cads!

Susan Sarandon Thinks The Pope Is A Nazi, And In Spain, Nuns Stole Babies And Sold Them!

October 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

God isn’t having a good time of it lately. His representatives on Earth aren’t doing It any favours. Of course, God Itself is a spiteful, vengeful chump anyway and made man in Its own image, so It only has Itself to blame.

Going after the Almighty is Susan Sarandon. Of course, you can’t kick God in the shins so you have to pick on the next best thing… and that happens to be Pope Benedict: The Godwaffe.

Discussing her role in Dead Man, which saw her sending a copy to The Pope, she was asked ‘which pope?’ That’s when the Catholics got jumpy and started muttering ‘You wouldn’t get people talking about Muslims like that… it’s so unfair.’ Maybe if you started flying planes into buildings, we might be a little more scared of pointing out how mental some of you are, eh?

Sean Kingston To Defy God By Going Jet Skiing Again

August 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when we told you that God tried to kill Sean Kingston? Well, the young singer is about to defy Our Lord Whatshisface all over again by going jet-skiing after cheating certain death.

Talking to the press for the first time since he cracked his skull open on the side of a Miami bridge, the singer who once opined that Beautiful Girls make him ‘suicidal’ was noticeably slimmer as he discussed his recovery.

God gave Sean a shattered wrist, a broken jaw and water in his lung and has spent months eating his tea through a feeding tube with his head wired up. Not content with the warning from God, Sean fully intends to climb on a jet ski again and show that pesky universe ruler what’s what.

Sean Kingston Tweets To God, Proving That The Almighty Tried To Kill Him On His Jetski

June 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You rotten swinebrains thought we were making things up when we told you that God Almighty tried to kill Sean Kingston when he careered into a concrete bridge with his face in Miami.

You thought that we were just jesting you when we reported that God wanted to teach Kingston a lesson for singing about suicide. We weren’t! And now we have massive proof all over the place!

The giant fact is that Sean Kingston has said ?GOD IS GREAT!? in his first tweet since his divine accident which nearly killed him by taking his head clean off.

Sean Kingston Is Tottering Around After His Jet Ski Accident, Becomes New Jesus

June 7th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Sean Kingston, as you know, collided with a bridge at high speed. He was on a jet ski as opposed to, y’know, running on water. He isn’t Jesus, although, they do have similarities such as the ability to cure lepers and their mutual loathing of Ancient Rome.

Anyway, Sean was looking like he was going to shrug off his massive frame and join the choir invisible for a while, but it seems that he’s got out of his bed and started tottering around, which is good isn’t it?

Mainly because, if Kingston is our new saviour – which we suspect he is – this resurrection will mean we get another national holiday. Well done to Sean Kingston for that. And well done God for saving his second eldest.

Demi Lovato Had A Hilarious Nervous Breakdown

April 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.

Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.

And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!

HecklerPlay: Spotify Playlists ? Songs For Jesus And Nonbelievers

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

You may, like hecklerspray, be a great big stinkin’ heathen and not believe in any religion of any sort. Or, of course, you might have felt the calling of a higher spirit or whatever. No matter what you believe, there’s no denying that of all the deities, Jesus has some of the best records.

That’s not to say Jesus has a wonderful record collection of rare Beach Boy acetates and the first German test-pressings of Kraftwerk albums, but rather, thanks to being taken on by America, he’s had some of the best songs written about him. Or Him.

And so, let us delve into Jesus’ back catalogue.