Jessie Wallace has become the latest celebrity to be voted off Strictly Come Dancing because, well, because she was a bit poo.

Jessie Wallace’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to Help was so toe-curlingly tryhard that it was less of a dance and more of a painful retelling of the third act of A Doll’s House. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she had a great big weepy tantrum about it afterwards that left her face looking like either an orange panda or an expressionist painting of a rotted tangerine.We can’t decide which.

But now Jessie Wallace is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…

Christine Bleakley – The worst thing you can be on Strictly Come Dancing is confident, because chances are it’ll come back and smack you in the face in the from of the squishy Scouse judge screeching bad alliterative insults at you, and that’s what happened to Christine Bleakley on Saturday. She spent the entire week leading up to Saturday’s Quickstep to She’s So Lovely bouncing around all full of herself like Scrappy Doo, only to end up sort of buggering it up. True, it was perky and cheeky and everything, but all her enthusiasm took away from her poise and precision, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that she “didn’t quite have quite the sparkle” that everyone wanted. Having said that, it’s abundantly clear that Christine Bleakley fancies her Strictly Come Dancing partner like mad – so at least it’ll set up a furious man-on-man topless fistfight between him and Adrian Chiles, which is something. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Jodie Kidd – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd decided to go for a Rumba to I Just Can’t Stop Loving You. That’d be good, except for the twin facts that a) Rumbas are sexy dances and b) Jodie Kidd is roughly as sexy as a bucket of offal. That meant that her Strictly Come Dancing routine this weekend was a textbook example of wild overcompensation. Jodie wasn’t so much ‘sexy’ as ‘pissed-up streetwhore’ and that sort of shone through. Our calculations show that, of their whole 90 second routine, Jodie and her partner spent approximately 65 seconds rubbing each other’s faces in a hamfisted approximation of lust, 10 seconds putting everyone off their tea by kissing each other and the remaining 15 seconds just sort of standing around doing the air lasso. The Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this, calling the routine “almost pornographic” although, to be fair, they were actually referring to Jodie’s partner’s obscene man-cleavage. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow - Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Cherie Lunghi.

Last night, the Strictly Come Dancing ladies had their first chance to convince the public that they weren’t cack, and Gillian Taylforth failed.

According to one of the Strictly Come Dancing judges, the thing that left Gillian Taylforth down the most was all her ‘gapping’ – a term so obscene sounding it almost made us bring our tea back up. But we shouldn’t get too downhearted – at least the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off wasn’t between Gillian and Jessie Wallace. That would have been like watching a spangly version of Jeremy Kyle, and nobody needs that.

Anyway, with Gillian Taylforth gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s our recap of the girls, starting with Jessie Wallace and Christine Bleakley…

Jessie Wallace - Believe what you read and Jessie Wallace is the troublemaker of this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Apparently she hates everyone else in the competition because they’re either younger than her, prettier than her, better dancers than her or don’t have a voice that sounds like shrieking fox intercourse. Anyway, on Saturday Jessie Wallace had her chance to put all the rumours behind her with her first Strictly Come Dancing performance. Since Jessie is basically the living embodiment of a pikey salsa night at a shit nightclub, it was only natural that she did a Salsa. So she did, and even dressed up like a transvestite’s curtain for it, too. But that didn’t help the fact that Jessie Wallace ended up jerking around like she was being possessed by a hyperactive tapeworm for the entire 90 seconds. Which apparently wasn’t what the Strictly Come Dancing judges were looking for, weirdly. Bottom of the class and lucky to survive. Strictly Come Dancing score – 20

Christine Bleakley – Although Christine Bleakley didn’t introduce herself to the Strictly Come Dancing audience as ‘the woman best known for possibly but probably not having it off with Adrian Chiles‘, but that’s what she actually is. Anyway, can Christine Bleakley dance? Oh, God knows. For all her yammering about being nervous ahead of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, her Foxtrot to The Way You Look Tonight seemed like it was sort of OK, but to be honest we were a bit distracted by her partner, who kept pulling these weird faces like he was trying to swallow a cloud. It was graceful, we suppose, but a bit dull. So, needless to say, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 27

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap continues, with our take on Lisa Snowdon.