Jessica Taylor - HecklerSpray

Dancing On Ice: Coleen Nolan’s (Finally) Out

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Next week sees the Dancing On Ice final take place – and it’ll be taking place without Coleen Nolan.

Things were against Coleen Nolan from the very start. Last night Coleen Nolan had to contend with a back injury that she picked up in training. And to her credit, during her routine to You're Still The One, it didn't seem as if Coleen was injured at all. Admittedly that's because she always skates like a woman with a smashed spine, but never mind.

So who’ll win Dancing On Ice on Sunday? Here’s our rundown for Jessica Taylor…

Dancing On Ice: Jessica Taylor

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The thing we like best about Dancing On Ice, other than the fact that it’s nearly over, is the weekly Torvill and Dean routine.

Really, we honestly love it. It doesn’t matter what they do, Torvill and Dean always deliver. Like on Sunday’s show, for instance, Torvill and Dean’s routine was almost completely unforgettable, apart from the fact that he was dressed like a stroppy waiter and she was dressed like a discarded Ferrero Rocher wrapper. It’s attention to detail like this that makes Torvill and Dean number one!

Here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Jessica Taylor…

Dancing On Ice: Jessica And Zoe

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Before we start looking at today’s Dancing On Ice contestants, we really should applaud Torvill and Dean.

Usually Torvill and Dean’s Dancing On Ice openings are flaccid displays of ego that just hold everything up and make the show five minutes longer than it needs to be. But not on Sunday – on Sunday their routine legitimately defied description. It was a sort of arctic gay-off that culminated in an actual rainstorm. Sadly Christopher Dean wasn’t struck by lightning at the end but, hey, maybe next time.

Anyway, on to the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Jessica Taylor and Zoe Salmon…

Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon & Jessica Taylor

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Does anyone else get the feeling that Dancing On Ice isn’t really trying any more?

We’re just asking because the required element on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was just rubbish. They had to skate on one leg, bend down, spin around and then stop. Hey, Dancing On Ice, that’s not what we want from our required elements. We want the required element to be a lion, on skates, chasing Ray Quinn around. Got that?

Here’s the Dancing On Ice review for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon & Jessica Taylor

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Ready for some more Dancing On Ice action? Don’t answer that, we know you’re not. We were being rhetorical.

Anyway, now that Dancing On Ice has been going for a few weeks, we’re starting to see the required elements get harder and harder. On Sunday’s show, for example, the required element involved spinning around a for bit. We don’t know about you, but it’s death-defying stunts like that that make us proud to be British.

Here are the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

Dancing On Ice: Jessica Taylor And Ray Quinn (Again)

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Here it is again, the fourth and final installment of this week’s Dancing On Ice contestant rundowns.

But before we get into any of that, did you know that both Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby are now on Twitter? It’s true, and it’s fuelled our desire to see Dancing On Ice completely Twitterfied by the end of the series. There’s still a long way to go, though. Twitter.com/baldyskeletorjudge doesn’t even exist yet. For shame.

Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…

Dancing On Ice: Jessica Taylor & Ray Quinn

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If it’s Thursday, it means it’s our last Dancing On Ice rundown of the week. And we’ve saved the best for last.

By ‘best’ we obviously mean ‘most likely to win’. Because, let’s be fair, they’re hardly the best examples of people, are they? A woodstained monosyllabic northerner and a boy that looks like a character from a wartime propaganda cartoon? Oh, do come on.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, the Dancing On Ice rundown for Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…

Dancing On Ice: Ray Quinn’s Going To Win, The Little Sod

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s the fourth and final day of this week’s hecklerspray Dancing On Ice rundown, so you’ve got a few days off before it all starts again.

So what are we most looking forward to on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice? Well, Todd Carty, obviously. And that’s about it. Oh, and the empty sensation that we’re wasting our lives. Those two things. Mainly the second one, now we come to think of it.

Anyway, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon, Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…