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Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Not In Kuwait For Charity

by Stuart Heritage

As we speak, Jessica Simpson is in Kuwait, ready to boost troop morale by jiggling her boobies around and kidding herself that people are interested in her singing voice.

It’s a lovely, kindhearted thing for Jessica Simpson to do. Or at least it would be, if Jessica hadn’t ratcheted up a gigantic bill to hand the organisers in the process.

Although her Kuwait visit is essentially a goodwill trip, Jessica Simpson’s private jet, accomodation and beauty entourage will leave concert organisers MySpace hundreds of thousands of dollars out of pocket. That’s fair enough, though – those troops want to see a bright-orange man-jawed bimbo of questionable musical credibilty, not a bright-orange man-jawed bimbo of questionable musical credibilty with a rubbish make-up job.

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Everyone Jessica Simpson’s Ever Shagged Wins An Award

by Stuart Heritage

To be in a relationship with Jessica Simpson isn’t just to admit to a perverse life-long infatuation with bright orange, massive-jawed women, you know.

By the looks of it, as soon as your penis gets anywhere near to Jessica Simpson, Cosmopolitan magazine lobs a Fun Fearless Male award at you too.

Yesterday’s Fun Fearless Male award luncheon in New York was attended by John Mayer (who did it with Jessica Simpson), Tony Romo (who’s doing it with Jessica Simpson) and Dane Cook (who might have done it with Jessica Simpson). Factor in the fact that last year’s winner was Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband Nick Lachey and you may as well rename the caboodle The Fun, Fearless And Suddenly Quite Paranoid About The Size Of Their Penis awards.

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Jessica Simpson To Invade Kuwait

by Stuart Heritage

Fed up with making underwhelming movies and songs, Jessica Simpson has apparently decided to go to Kuwait and gee up the troops there.

We know what you’re thinking. Haven’t those poor soldiers already suffered enough without Jessica Simpson turning up to bawl bad music at them?

But that’s unfair. Maybe Jessica Simpson is only going to Kuwait to perform a concert for the still-green new recruits alone. This is a time of war, remember, and if an inane bimbette warbling flaccid MOR pop songs is what’ll break those kids’ spirits for good and transform them into the kind of dead-eyed murder machines that the government requires them to be, then that’s what needs to be done.

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Jessica Simpson Sued for Hurting Millions of Fatties

by hecklerspray staff

Did you wake up this morning feeling hurt? If you did then you’re probably fat.

Hey, don’t through that half-eaten Twinkie at us – those things hurt when they’re stale – it’s Jessica Simpson that’s to blame. She’s hurting fat people everywhere. Millions of them, in fact. At least, that’s what the company that is suing her over an unreleased fitness video is saying. The good news for hurt fat people is that you can stop blaming your slow metabolism, glandular problem, or your genetics and start blaming Jessica Simpson.

Try it. We like it.

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Jessica Simpson All Pissy About Split Story

by Stuart Heritage

You may have read reports about Jessica Simpson getting dumped by Tony Romo – and it doesn’t matter if you haven’t, because Jessica Simpson’s read it for you.

We know. Jessica Simpson can read. Weird.

Anyway, Jessica Simpson isn’t pleased about the reports, to the extent that she’s getting her lawyers to make OK! magazine apologise for telling lies.

But, hey, Jessica Simpson can read. Who knew?

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Jessica Simpson Buggers Everything Up For Her New Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

As everyone knows, Jessica Simpson is currently infatuated with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo – which would be great except for the fact that Jessica has made Tony rubbish at everything.

On Sunday the Dallas Cowboys lost an important match against the Philadelphia Knicker-Kickers (or something), with Tony Romo having a particularly bad day. Now, Dallas American Football fans being what they are have studied everything from training to meteorological conditions to Philadelphia’s advanced level of man-marking in an effort to try and work out what was to blame for Tony Romo’s spectacular drop in form – and they’ve decided that it’s Jessica Simpson’s fault. It’s all Jessica Simpson’s fault. Everything is Jessica Simpson’s fault and she smells and walks like a man. Basically.

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Jessica Simpson To Get Her Arse, Boobs & Fanny Out For Art

by Stuart Heritage

One of the best things about being a mediocre actress, singer and reality TV star with a hunger for fame that far exceeds your talent is that eventually the only option left to you is public nudity.

And that appears to be the case with Jessica Simpson. With a straight-to-DVD box office dud stinking up her CV, Jessica Simpson has decided that the only way she’s ever going to win an Oscar is if she gets naked. Somewhat surprisingly, though, Jessica Simpson thinks she can achieve this by getting naked in a film, as opposed to the more logical tactic of getting naked, crawling on her hands and knees to the home of every single member of the Academy, capitulating to every one of their humiliatingly deviant sexual whims and then paying them a million dollars each for the pleasure. We get the impression that Jessica Simpson would be more likely to get an Oscar if she did all of those things.

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