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Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Still Refusing To Die With Dignity

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been eight or nine seconds since our last Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo update, so you’re probably flapping about like a cold turkey junkie desperate for more.

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.

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Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Possibly Back On, Earth Quivers

by Stuart Heritage

Did you cry when you discovered that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had split up?

We sure did, but that was only because we were busy trying to take out our brain by ramming knitting needles up our nostrils just so we wouldn’t have to hear about titting Jessica Simpson and TonyRomo all the arseing time. It stung, OK?

Anyway, if you did cry when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up then get ready to do a happy little jig – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back on! Or they might be back on based on one report of hand-holding! Or they aren’t back together at all! Or they’re forever doomed to a lifetime of unrelenting misery! Either way, let’s all do a happy little jig anyway! Whee! We may have pierced the part of our brain that regulates inhibition! Wheeeeee!

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Ashlee Simpson Gets Married, Turns Out She’s Pregnant

by Paul Sorrenti

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) wedding ceremony and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

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Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo Split All Daddy Simpson’s Fault

by Stuart Heritage

Like us, you’re probably devastated by the news that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up.

No? You forgot about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split as soon as you heard about it because you don’t really know who Tony Romo is and you’re not especially fussed whether Jessica Simpson lives or dies? Us neither, now we come to think of it.

Anyway, even though nobody can really put their hand on their heart and honestly claim to even slightly care about any of this, someone must be to blame for Jessica and Tony’s split. And apparently it’s Joe Simpson, Jessica Simpson’s dickish dad, who inadvertently broke the couple up by being all dickish. We know – thrilling.

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Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Probably A Little Bit Split Up

by Stuart Heritage

Though they’ll never admit it, every single girl on Earth gets bitterly jealous when their sister gets married.

Except, of course, for Jessica Simpson. Cut Jessica Simpson open and nothing but white beams of joy shoot out of her veins. So, even though Jessica Simpson’s sister Ashlee is due to get married the day after tomorrow, Jessica Simpson has nothing to be angry or bitter or jealous about.

Except that Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Tony Romo has probably just dumped her and she’ll have to go to the wedding alone and spend a day constantly surrounded by millions of glaring reminders that plenty of people are capable of having successful relationships and she isn’t one of them. Chances are she’s pretty gnawed up about that, to be fair.

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Paris Hilton And Lindsay Lohan Attacked By Scarlett Johansson

by Paul Sorrenti

Scarlett Johansson (the actress – and now singer – famous for having Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on her chest; you know the one?) has blasted two of hecklerspray’s most cherished celebrities!

The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris and our Lindsay is not quite her cup of tea.

How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

No, of course they don’t. If they did humanity would have become extinct a long, long time ago.

It takes a good deal of effort to say ‘ah’ for that amount of time and with that amount of people. There are literally girlfriends out there, all over the world right now (possibly even reading this), who wouldn’t even say ‘ah’ to their own boyfriends for much more than a minute each week.

Sometimes less.

Scarlett Johansson (the actress - and now singer - famous for having Scarlett Johansson’s boobs on her chest; you know the one?) has blasted two of hecklerspray’s most cherished celebrities! The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris and our Lindsay is not quite her cup of tea. How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves? No, of course they don’t. If they did humanity would have become extinct a long, long time ago. It takes a good deal of effort to say ‘ah’ for that amount of time and with that amount of people. There are literally girlfriends out there, all over the world right now (possibly even reading this), who wouldn’t even say ‘ah’ to their own boyfriends for much more than a minute each week. Sometimes less.
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Jessica Simpson In ‘Pleased For Her Own Sister’s Happiness’ Shock

by Stuart Heritage

There have been several reactions to the news that Ashlee Simpson is getting engaged to that fool from Fall Out Boy.

Some have reacted with disgust that their pretty little Ashlee Simpson could fall for such a whiny-looking twerp. Others have reacted with disgust that their emo hero Pete Wentz could for such a gormless pop twonk. Other really couldn’t care less either way. Most people really couldn’t care less either way.

Not Jessica Simpson, though. Harnessing the skills that have built up her reputation as a fearless innovator, Jessica Simpson has inexplicably decided to be pleased for Ashlee and Pete – marking the first time in history that a woman has been pleased that another woman is getting married.

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Jessica Simpson Sick With Stinky Piss

by Stuart Heritage

Kidney infections can be painful and distressing and they absolutely aren’t funny – unless they happen to Jessica Simpson, in which case they sort of are.

Jessica Simpson was released from hospital yesterday after being treated for what’s being described as a kidney infection. However, details are vague and nobody knows if Jessica Simpson had a real kidney infection or whether it was just a smokescreen for a more embarrassing ailment.

But, just this once, we’ll take the bait. Our guess is that Jessica Simpson really did have a kidney infection, but only because that means Jessica Simpson definitely has really stinky piss. Jessica ‘Stinky Piss’ Simpson. Old stinky piss, that’s her. Stinky piss.

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Have Sex With Someone Famous Without Them Saying A Thing!

by Matthew Laidlow

It’s always the case of wanting but never having in hecklerspray’s world. We’d love to shout rude stuff to blind people, the local hobo and bus drivers who never stop for us.

But we’re scared of getting beat up off said people. And if that wasn’t bad enough, our mums might find out and then we wouldn’t get fish fingers and chips for tea. Just a slapped arse. And no-one wants that. Other people around the world have their own wants, too. The old problem of trying to have sex with someone famous has baffled stalkers for years, for instance. But now one company aims to help perverts/fanatics everywhere by producing super-realistic celebrity shag dolls. Featuring everyone from Jessica Simpson to Lindsay Lohan, the days off posh wanks are over!

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Jessica Simpson Not In Kuwait For Charity

by Stuart Heritage

As we speak, Jessica Simpson is in Kuwait, ready to boost troop morale by jiggling her boobies around and kidding herself that people are interested in her singing voice.

It’s a lovely, kindhearted thing for Jessica Simpson to do. Or at least it would be, if Jessica hadn’t ratcheted up a gigantic bill to hand the organisers in the process.

Although her Kuwait visit is essentially a goodwill trip, Jessica Simpson’s private jet, accomodation and beauty entourage will leave concert organisers MySpace hundreds of thousands of dollars out of pocket. That’s fair enough, though – those troops want to see a bright-orange man-jawed bimbo of questionable musical credibilty, not a bright-orange man-jawed bimbo of questionable musical credibilty with a rubbish make-up job.

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