Posts tagged as:

Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Literally Cannot Sing

by Paul Gibson

Fans in Grand Rapids, USofA, were treated to a Jessica Simpson concert with a wonderful twist: she didn’t sing the songs.

A recent appearance in a hilarious comedy fatsuit, and now deciding to not sing her own songs during her own concert. We applaud you, Jessica Simpson, for your refusal to let convention dictate how a sexy popstar should behave.

1 comment Read more >>>

Jessica Simpson Thanks The Fans She Hasn’t Eaten Yet

by Stuart Heritage

Jessica Simpson may have been mercilessly teased about her weight gain, but she knows what’s important.

Cakes. Cakes are important to Jessica Simpson. And Big Macs. And, more relevantly to this story, fans. All through Dumpygate, Jessica Simpson’s fans have been right there for her. And last night Jessica thanked her fans by performing a concert, where she told them that sometimes people wrongly focus on pointless things.

And since nobody would have heard of Jessica Simpson were it not for that awful TV show about her inherent lack of marital intelligence, we’re taking her as an expert on pointlessness.

1 comment Read more >>>

Fat Jessica Simpson Is Sexy, Says Wrong Kim Kardashian

by Stuart Heritage

Jessica Simpson sang These Boots Were Made For Walking, even though This Mouth Was Made For Gorging is probably more accurate.

Or, you know, These Thighs Were Made For Crushing Cars. Or something. Basically, Jessica Simpson has got a little bit fat, and everyone’s talking about it.

Thanks to a couple of unflattering pictures taken last weekend, people now refer to Jessica Simpson as Heifer-ca Simpson, Jessica Not-Thinson or Jessica Simpsonofabitchyougotfat. Or maybe we made those up. We’re not telling.

And now Kim Kardashian has said that Jessica Simpson looks ‘hot’. That’s because she’s insulated by fat, you insensitive bitch.

18 comments Read more >>>

No! Jessica Simpson’s Hairdresser Slightly Injured By A Camera

by Stuart Heritage

Sad news- in fact, this is probably the saddest news about one of Jessica Simpson’s hairdressers that we’ve heard in over a month.

We can hardly bring ourselves to tell you this, but here goes – on Saturday night, Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser Ken Paves got caught in the middle of a paparazzi crush while out with Simpson, and ended up bleeding out of his face a little bit because he got socked with a camera.

This incident is a sign that the war between celebrities and the paparazzi has just taken a turn for the worse. Jessica Simpson’s hairdresser getting donked in the face is how it begins, but we dread to think what’ll come next. Lindsay Lohan’s manicurist getting kicked in the shins? The little old lady who Ryan Seacrest employs to water his plants getting a nasty Chinese burn and a wedgie? Where will the madness end? WHERE?

Sad news- in fact, this is probably the saddest news about one of Jessica Simpson's hairdressers that we've heard in over a month. We can hardly bring ourselves to tell you this, but here goes - on Saturday night, Jessica Simpson's hairdresser Ken Paves got caught in the middle of a paparazzi crush while out with Simpson, and ended up bleeding out of his face a little bit because he got socked with a camera. This incident is a sign that the war between celebrities and the paparazzi has just taken a turn for the worse. Jessica Simpson's hairdresser getting donked in the face is how it begins, but we dread to think what'll come next. Lindsay Lohan's manicurist getting kicked in the shins? The little old lady who Ryan Seacrest employs to water his plants getting a nasty Chinese burn and a wedgie? Where will the madness end? WHERE?
0 comments Read more >>>

Jessica Simpson Drinks Beer to Make Her Smart, Which Explains a Lot.

by Ian Dransfield

Jessica Simpson is now marketing something that kills your braincells on the notion that it’s a ‘smart’ choice. The ironing is delicious. Though, let’s face it, probably intentional too. Yes, the girl that did some stuff once, apparently, is the new face of the Stampede Brewing Company‘s beer that’s supposed to be good for you, [...]

20 comments Read more >>>

Jessica Simpson Goes Country, Infuriates Some Rednecks

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Jessica Simpson’s much-hyped acting career is lying twitching in the gutter, Jessica can now go back to her first love.

No, wait – Jessica Simpson’s first love is cacky reality TV shows that exploit her personal relationships with others, isn’t it? OK, well in that case Jessica Simpson has gone back to her second love – music.

And not just any music, either – Jessica Simpson has gone country, and she’s marked the occasion with a concert at a festival in Wisconsin. But sadly, Jessica Simpson’s country concert didn’t go down well with the locals, who booed and jeered her for not being country enough. Now, if she’d have smashed her teeth up real bad and had sex with a blood relative beforehand, it would have been a different story altogether.

7 comments Read more >>>

Pamela Anderson Quite Opinionated On Jessica Simpson And Her Entire Carnivorous Wardrobe

by Shawn Lindseth

If there is one thing Hecklerspray hates, it's anything that lives underwater. Seriously, if God meant for those things to survive he would have given them lungs. If there is another thing Hecklerspray hates, it's when celebrities wear T-shirts that look like they were made in a 7th grade home-ec class but with not one [...]

0 comments Read more >>>

Jessica Simpson Says Her Creepy Dad Didn’t Fit Her for a Training Bra, Y’All

by hecklerspray staff

Jessica Simpson says her dad didn’t fit her for her first training bra.

Let’s face it, no one ever thought that he did. In fact, we all went about blissfully without ever having thought about it at all. But now that the topic has been broached and your day has been ruined by the mental image, all we can think is “Joe Simpson fit his daughter for a training bra?? Ewwww…” That, and, “We missed a story about Joe Simpson fitting his daughter for a training bra??”

We apologise for missing such an important, vomit-inducing piece of journalism. It shan’t happen again. We will be the first to supply you with details when Joe Simpson details accounts of fitting his daughter for her second and third training bras, as well as every subsequent regular bra up to the present.

Jessica Simpson says her dad didn’t fit her for her first training bra. Let’s face it, no one ever thought that he did. In fact, we all went about blissfully without ever having thought about it at all. But now that the topic has been broached and your day has been ruined by the mental image, all we can think is “Joe Simpson fit his daughter for a training bra?? Ewwww...” That, and, “We missed a story about Joe Simpson fitting his daughter for a training bra??” We apologise for missing such an important, vomit-inducing piece of journalism. It shan’t happen again. We will be the first to supply you with details when Joe Simpson details accounts of fitting his daughter for her second and third training bras, as well as every subsequent regular bra up to the present.
1 comment Read more >>>

Jessica Simpson Still Loves That Guy Who Keeps Trying To Dump Her

by Stuart Heritage

Ask yourself this – is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don’t really care about?

Jessica Simpson doesn’t seem to think so, because she’s slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it’s all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they’ve split up.

Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson isn’t just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because ‘Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She’s Sad And So, So Alone’ is a headline that we’re itching to use, you know.

1 comment Read more >>>

PETA Loathes Jessica Simpson’s Meaty Diet & Meaty Wardrobe

by Shawn Lindseth

If you are a celebrity, and everything seems to be in the right place for you career-wise, the last thing you want is for PETA to come screeching in like a thousand angry bikers and start smashing things up. That’s because in tinseltown PETA could absolutely ruin you with their opinions, their powerful organization and [...]

8 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →