Jessica Simpson doesn’t know when to shut up. Last week a man called her ‘sexual napalm’ in a magazine.

That’s enough. If we were Jessica Simpson we’d disappear for a few months after being called something like that, just to let the reputation sink in a bit. Actually, no, we’d probably go the full JD Salinger, just to ensure that when we died our gravestone would read ‘Jessica Simpson. Sexual Napalm.’ We’d love to be known as ‘sexual napalm’. It’d certainly be a step up from ‘sexual dishwater’, which is where we probably stand at the moment.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson hasn’t disappeared. She’s done an interview about America’s obsession with weight instead. So rather than being ‘Jessica Simpson: Sexual Napalm’ she’s back to being ‘Jessica Simpson: The Woman Who Got Slightly Fat For A Few Days Once And Then Wouldn’t Stop Rabbiting On About It’ again. Suits us.

Jessica Simpson is a real woman. She’s got everything that real women have, like curves and a reality TV show and a string of famous boyfriends and a dad who won’t shut up about how brilliant her boobs are. If you don’t have all of those things, by the way, then you’re not a real woman. They’re the rules. Sorry.

But, like any other normal woman, Jessica Simpson occasionally has fat days. The difference is, though, when Jessica Simpson has a fat day then a) it gets picked up by the media and b) Jessica Simpson will still be carping on about it like it was the most important thing that’s ever happened to a human being in the complete history of time a full year after it happened.

You may remember, although you probably don’t, that last January Jessica Simpson performed a concert in a pair of unflattering trousers. A few magazines, perhaps insensitively, said she looked quite fat in them. And that was it. Except Jessica Simpson wasn’t done – she addressed the issue in public and then signed up to make a TV show about how people of all shapes and sizes should be proud of how they look. And then she got really skinny to make sure that people stopped saying nasty things about her. And that was it.

Except Jessica Simpson still isn’t done – she’s in this month’s Allure magazine, expressing disappointment at America’s obsession with her weight. Weight. America’s obsession with weight. Nothing to do with her weight at all. No siree. Nope. She’s fine with how she looks. Nothing to see here. People reports:

“I would not wish on my worst enemy what I went through,” of the abuse she faced from the media in the aftermath of that photo. “When I think of America, it’s very diverse, but we do have the cookie-cutter way we’re supposed to look. The 29 year-old… calls America’s obsession with weight “disgusting.” The Texan says, “My job is to be creative. And I’m not weighing in for anybody.”

Wise words indeed. Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson can cure America’s obsession with weight as soon as possible, so she can go on to cure some of America’s other important, genuinely non-specific problems – like its disgusting obsession with making fun of self-obsessed orange-skinned dullards, or its disgusting obsession with not buying Jessica Simpson albums even though she worked really hard on them and stuff. Good luck Jessica! We’re right behind you!

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As a normal human being, you’ve probably spent the last few months fretting endlessly about Jessica Simpson.

Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn’t answering them.

Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she’s either thin again or they’ve started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?

Not so long ago, the whole world was obsessed with Jessica Simpson’s weight, after photos of her at a concert made it look as if she’d spent a couple of months mainlining dripping while hooked up to an IV full of doughnut glaze in a flotation tank full of gravy.

Why was this? Well, it was either because the patriarchal media’s endemic consumption and ownership of the female form is a transparent ploy to keep women in a subservient position, or it was because it was a nice distraction from discussing Jessica Simpson’s singing or acting – either one of which tend to send people into a blaze of face-tearing, mind-melting madness. But we digress.

The point is, despite the public outcry over her wobbly belly and planet-sized arse, Jessica Simpson said time and time again that she was comfortable in her own weight; that she was right where she was supposed to be.

And she meant it, too, because Jessica Simpson has just lost loads of weight, and she’s doing just about everything she can to make sure everyone knows. Metro reports:

Toned down and bronzed, the country singer ditched her plus sized jeans for her old denim hot pants to thrill the crowds at the final night of the Strawberry Festival Sunday in America. Just a few months back The Dukes of Hazzard actress, 28, was happy to wave away her struggles to maintain her one time 36-24-36 frame. ‘Curves are better. I don’t get the whole rail thing… It’s emotionally destructive, it really is.’

But despite whatever hypocrisy might be at play here, this really is a return to the Jessica Simpson we know and love. Bright orange, dressed like Willie Nelson‘s slutty granddaughter, sad because she’s not married instead of sad that she’s grossly overweight – not to mention that all this weight-loss has really sharpened the definition of her jawline again. And, after all, Jessica Simpson’s not Jessica Simpson unless you’re terrified of her ability to bite clean through your leg in a moment of anger.

What’s more, this sudden weight-loss is bound to be massively profitable for Jessica Simpson. By Christmas she’ll have definitely brought out a fitness DVD. Or, at the very least, a tearful exclusive magazine interview about her battle with bulimia. Which will it be? Place your bets now!

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Now that Jessica Simpson is clinically obese, she’s going to see a whole lot of benefits – it’ll round out that troublesome jaw, for starters.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Jessica Simpson isn’t clinically obese – she just wore a bad pair of trousers once and hasn’t stopped acting offended because some people said it made her bum look big. Now Jessica Simpson has described the furore, saying that she’s OK because she “prays out loud”.

Incidentally, Pray Out Loud is the name of Jessica Simpson’s new single. Lucky it wasn’t called Cry And Eat Crisps A Lot, eh? That would have been really embarrassing.

Suddenly ballooning up like a redneck Violet Beauregarde has been the best thing to happen to Jessica Simpson for years. We’re being serious here. Her movie career was sinking fast, her career as a country singer wasn’t winning anyone over and – worst of all – she was being eclipsed in the celebrity stakes by her Skekis of a little sister.

But a few months of what we presume to be pity-bingeing on melon-sized clumps of unprocessed suet later, and Jessica Simpson is back where she belongs – being seriously discussed by lonely people who emotionally invest in the lives of strangers to try and ward off an inevitable existential meltdown.

And Jessica Simpson is loving it. Just because she got a bit fat and then tried to wear a pair of jeans that made her bottom look like a sun-blistered dinghy, Jessica Simpson can’t stay out of the news. Celebrities are defending her, between-song concert banter is misconstrued as heartfelt thanks from Jessica Simpson to all the fans who don’t care that she’s got 12 chins and arteries like fibreglass, and people even care when she messes up songs and starts crying again – we thought that people got bored of that old trick long ago.

But one thing that Jessica Simpson hasn’t done is directly address her weight gain. That all changed on CBS’s The Early Show this morning, though, when Jessica Simpson said this:

“Honestly, I am right where I’m supposed to be. I am so happy. Right now I’m on tour with Rascal Flatts, having a blast. We’re at Madison Square Garden tomorrow. Everybody’s just been so warm and welcoming. Lots of hugs, I like that… Texas style. Everything’s really great. It’s all about keeping the faith. That’s why I pray out loud.”

You see, Jessica Simpson is entirely comfortable with… hey, wait a minute! Jessica Simpson didn’t address her weight gain at all! All she actually did was promote her tour and forthcoming single in the style of a woman dictating a wartime telegram. Does that count? We don’t even think that actually counts.

Oh well, it’ll fall to someone else to secure Jessica Simpson’s first directly explicit statement about all the fuss over her weight gain, then. It’ll be a race against time, though – wait too long and Jessica Simpson runs the very real risk of swallowing the entire planet, Katamari-style.

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