Jessica Simpson doesn’t know when to shut up. Last week a man called her ‘sexual napalm’ in a magazine.

That’s enough. If we were Jessica Simpson we’d disappear for a few months after being called something like that, just to let the reputation sink in a bit. Actually, no, we’d probably go the full JD Salinger, just to ensure that when we died our gravestone would read ‘Jessica Simpson. Sexual Napalm.’ We’d love to be known as ‘sexual napalm’. It’d certainly be a step up from ‘sexual dishwater’, which is where we probably stand at the moment.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson hasn’t disappeared. She’s done an interview about America’s obsession with weight instead. So rather than being ‘Jessica Simpson: Sexual Napalm’ she’s back to being ‘Jessica Simpson: The Woman Who Got Slightly Fat For A Few Days Once And Then Wouldn’t Stop Rabbiting On About It’ again. Suits us.

Jessica Simpson is a real woman. She’s got everything that real women have, like curves and a reality TV show and a string of famous boyfriends and a dad who won’t shut up about how brilliant her boobs are. If you don’t have all of those things, by the way, then you’re not a real woman. They’re the rules. Sorry.

But, like any other normal woman, Jessica Simpson occasionally has fat days. The difference is, though, when Jessica Simpson has a fat day then a) it gets picked up by the media and b) Jessica Simpson will still be carping on about it like it was the most important thing that’s ever happened to a human being in the complete history of time a full year after it happened.

You may remember, although you probably don’t, that last January Jessica Simpson performed a concert in a pair of unflattering trousers. A few magazines, perhaps insensitively, said she looked quite fat in them. And that was it. Except Jessica Simpson wasn’t done – she addressed the issue in public and then signed up to make a TV show about how people of all shapes and sizes should be proud of how they look. And then she got really skinny to make sure that people stopped saying nasty things about her. And that was it.

Except Jessica Simpson still isn’t done – she’s in this month’s Allure magazine, expressing disappointment at America’s obsession with her weight. Weight. America’s obsession with weight. Nothing to do with her weight at all. No siree. Nope. She’s fine with how she looks. Nothing to see here. People reports:

“I would not wish on my worst enemy what I went through,” of the abuse she faced from the media in the aftermath of that photo. “When I think of America, it’s very diverse, but we do have the cookie-cutter way we’re supposed to look. The 29 year-old… calls America’s obsession with weight “disgusting.” The Texan says, “My job is to be creative. And I’m not weighing in for anybody.”

Wise words indeed. Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson can cure America’s obsession with weight as soon as possible, so she can go on to cure some of America’s other important, genuinely non-specific problems – like its disgusting obsession with making fun of self-obsessed orange-skinned dullards, or its disgusting obsession with not buying Jessica Simpson albums even though she worked really hard on them and stuff. Good luck Jessica! We’re right behind you!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Jessica Simpson won’t look back on 2009 fondly – first she got a bit fat, then she split up with her boyfriend.

But she’ll show them. Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson’s going to show them GOOD! How? By doing the only sensible thing that a 29-year-old single woman who had one solitary unflattering photo taken of her several months ago can do – she’s going on a crash diet and exercising furiously. That’s right, Jessica Simpson is determined to lose one pound a day until there’s nothing left but a pile of teeth, nipples and clumps of hair.

So great work, Jessica. Almost there.

You know what we like to we when we’ve been dumped? We like to crap in their shoes and then sit in their front garden for week, crying and cutting ourselves and wailing “WHY? Why won’t you LOVE ME?” Also, we like to go on a berserk, unsustainable diet and exercise regime because it’s easier to blame the break-up of a relationship on excess fat than the fact that we’re essentially dull and unpleasant people to be around. So, hey, at least we’ve got something in common with Jessica Simpson in that respect.

You may remember that Jessica Simpson split up with her boyfriend Tony Romo recently. Well, the good news is that Jessica is determined to show Tony Romo what he’s missing. And while she’s at it, she’s going to show all those people who called her fat what they’re missing, too. In fact, Jessica Simpson is going to show everyone! She’ll prove the WHOLE WORLD wrong. Except, you know, not the parts of the world that say that she isn’t very good at singing or acting. She’s only losing a bit of weight. Jeez.

Actually, we take that back. Jessica Simpson isn’t just losing a bit of weight. Jessica Simpson’s going on a REVENGE DIET! Whatever one of those is. OK! explains:

“Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my old body back,’” a friend of the singer reveals. “She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.” And the results are already starting to show — Jessica dropped 10 pounds in just the first 10 days of working out! “She doesn’t want to give anyone more reason to not take her seriously,” explains the pal. “She’s tired of weight being a talking point.”

OK, great. Jessica Simpson is tired of weight being a talking point. That’s a perfectly valid thing to say. After all, dramatically losing the equivalent of 30 human kidneys in weight in little over a week is absolutely going to stop people talking about her weight. Apart from this article. And the cover story of OK! magazine. And God knows what else.

And it’s only a bit of weight. It’s not as if Jessica Simpson has just signed a contract to produce and host an entire television series dedicated to using weight as a talking point, is it? What? It is? Oh well, at least now it’ll be a show where the viewers won’t be able to identify with the host in the slightest. And isn’t that the best type of show?

Still, we can’t help feeling that Jessica Simpson has an ulterior motive here. Maybe she’s losing this weight because she plans to get naked in a movie soon. Or maybe she’s teetering on the brink of an eating disorder. It doesn’t really matter – whichever one it is, someone’s probably going to end up vomiting.

Retweet this post or follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Jessica Simpson knows how to react when life hands her a lemon. She eats the lemon, then shakes life by the shoulders screaming “More lemons! MORE LEMONS!”

And then she runs off and holds up a Krispy Kreme outlet at gunpoint and orders one of the staff to help her chug an entire day’s worth of glaze in one go right from the machine. Because, you see, Jessica Simpson is fat.

OK, Jessica Simpson isn’t fat. But one photo taken months ago made her look slightly fatter than usual. So Jessica Simpson is making a TV series about it. Seriously.

Without wanting to seem impolite, gorging on sausage rolls until her body ended up looking like a child’s sock stuffed with a wheelbarrow full of luncheon meat was probably the best thing that Jessica Simpson has ever done.

We mean it. Look at the evidence – not so long ago, Jessica Simpson was just another former popstar with her best years behind her, a film career that had bottomed out and a sideline as a country artist that didn’t interest anybody in the slightest. Then someone took a photo of Jessica Simpson in a pair of jeans that made her arse look like two hippos wrestling inside a latex glove and – bam! – Jessica Simpson’s back in the gossip magazines where she belongs.

And Jessica Simpson’s not going to let this opportunity slip through her fingers. That’s partly because her fingers are still coated with honey from the time she kicked over a beehive and ate the contents in a fit of hunger a few weeks ago, but it’s also because Jessica Simpson has spotted a niche, and she’s determined to milk it for all she can. She’s already discussed her weight at length, so that makes her an expert on body-image. And what do experts do? That’s right, they make TV shows. The New York Daily News reports:

The singer, who has repeatedly faced public scrutiny for her fluctuating weight, has reportedly visited TV networks to pitch a reality series titled “The Price of Beauty.” The show will be based on society’s outlook of women’s bodies, Us Weekly reports in its upcoming issue. “She and a friend set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why,” says a source.

We’re not sure if Jessica Simpson’s The Price Of Beauty will be about people with genuine body-image issues, or just about people who had one picture taken of them that made them look a bit chubby and then refused to shut up about it, but we’re sure it will be excellent. If only because Jessica is bound to find somewhere on her global adventure where bright orange girls with big jaws are considered beautiful, and she’ll stay there forever.

Anyway, we don’t want to spoil Jessica Simpson’s The Price Of Fame for anyone, but – based on her other forays into reality TV – we think we know how it’ll end. Jessica Simpson will set off to explore the concept of body-image but then fall out of love with the concept of body-image a few episodes in, after which she’ll keep her obviously sham exploration of body-image going because the money’s good, and then she’ll divorce it a couple of days after the show gets cancelled.

Just a hunch, like.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

As a normal human being, you’ve probably spent the last few months fretting endlessly about Jessica Simpson.

Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn’t answering them.

Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she’s either thin again or they’ve started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?

Not so long ago, the whole world was obsessed with Jessica Simpson’s weight, after photos of her at a concert made it look as if she’d spent a couple of months mainlining dripping while hooked up to an IV full of doughnut glaze in a flotation tank full of gravy.

Why was this? Well, it was either because the patriarchal media’s endemic consumption and ownership of the female form is a transparent ploy to keep women in a subservient position, or it was because it was a nice distraction from discussing Jessica Simpson’s singing or acting – either one of which tend to send people into a blaze of face-tearing, mind-melting madness. But we digress.

The point is, despite the public outcry over her wobbly belly and planet-sized arse, Jessica Simpson said time and time again that she was comfortable in her own weight; that she was right where she was supposed to be.

And she meant it, too, because Jessica Simpson has just lost loads of weight, and she’s doing just about everything she can to make sure everyone knows. Metro reports:

Toned down and bronzed, the country singer ditched her plus sized jeans for her old denim hot pants to thrill the crowds at the final night of the Strawberry Festival Sunday in America. Just a few months back The Dukes of Hazzard actress, 28, was happy to wave away her struggles to maintain her one time 36-24-36 frame. ‘Curves are better. I don’t get the whole rail thing… It’s emotionally destructive, it really is.’

But despite whatever hypocrisy might be at play here, this really is a return to the Jessica Simpson we know and love. Bright orange, dressed like Willie Nelson‘s slutty granddaughter, sad because she’s not married instead of sad that she’s grossly overweight – not to mention that all this weight-loss has really sharpened the definition of her jawline again. And, after all, Jessica Simpson’s not Jessica Simpson unless you’re terrified of her ability to bite clean through your leg in a moment of anger.

What’s more, this sudden weight-loss is bound to be massively profitable for Jessica Simpson. By Christmas she’ll have definitely brought out a fitness DVD. Or, at the very least, a tearful exclusive magazine interview about her battle with bulimia. Which will it be? Place your bets now!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Now that Jessica Simpson is clinically obese, she’s going to see a whole lot of benefits – it’ll round out that troublesome jaw, for starters.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Jessica Simpson isn’t clinically obese – she just wore a bad pair of trousers once and hasn’t stopped acting offended because some people said it made her bum look big. Now Jessica Simpson has described the furore, saying that she’s OK because she “prays out loud”.

Incidentally, Pray Out Loud is the name of Jessica Simpson’s new single. Lucky it wasn’t called Cry And Eat Crisps A Lot, eh? That would have been really embarrassing.

Suddenly ballooning up like a redneck Violet Beauregarde has been the best thing to happen to Jessica Simpson for years. We’re being serious here. Her movie career was sinking fast, her career as a country singer wasn’t winning anyone over and – worst of all – she was being eclipsed in the celebrity stakes by her Skekis of a little sister.

But a few months of what we presume to be pity-bingeing on melon-sized clumps of unprocessed suet later, and Jessica Simpson is back where she belongs – being seriously discussed by lonely people who emotionally invest in the lives of strangers to try and ward off an inevitable existential meltdown.

And Jessica Simpson is loving it. Just because she got a bit fat and then tried to wear a pair of jeans that made her bottom look like a sun-blistered dinghy, Jessica Simpson can’t stay out of the news. Celebrities are defending her, between-song concert banter is misconstrued as heartfelt thanks from Jessica Simpson to all the fans who don’t care that she’s got 12 chins and arteries like fibreglass, and people even care when she messes up songs and starts crying again – we thought that people got bored of that old trick long ago.

But one thing that Jessica Simpson hasn’t done is directly address her weight gain. That all changed on CBS’s The Early Show this morning, though, when Jessica Simpson said this:

“Honestly, I am right where I’m supposed to be. I am so happy. Right now I’m on tour with Rascal Flatts, having a blast. We’re at Madison Square Garden tomorrow. Everybody’s just been so warm and welcoming. Lots of hugs, I like that… Texas style. Everything’s really great. It’s all about keeping the faith. That’s why I pray out loud.”

You see, Jessica Simpson is entirely comfortable with… hey, wait a minute! Jessica Simpson didn’t address her weight gain at all! All she actually did was promote her tour and forthcoming single in the style of a woman dictating a wartime telegram. Does that count? We don’t even think that actually counts.

Oh well, it’ll fall to someone else to secure Jessica Simpson’s first directly explicit statement about all the fuss over her weight gain, then. It’ll be a race against time, though – wait too long and Jessica Simpson runs the very real risk of swallowing the entire planet, Katamari-style.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!