Jessica Simpson Fat - HecklerSpray

Jessica Simpson Still Fixated On Her Slightly Fat Fortnight

February 17th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Jessica Simpson doesn’t know when to shut up. Last week a man called her ‘sexual napalm’ in a magazine.

That’s enough. If we were Jessica Simpson we’d disappear for a few months after being called something like that, just to let the reputation sink in a bit. Actually, no, we’d probably go the full JD Salinger, just to ensure that when we died our gravestone would read ‘Jessica Simpson. Sexual Napalm.’ We’d love to be known as ‘sexual napalm’. It’d certainly be a step up from ‘sexual dishwater’, which is where we probably stand at the moment.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson hasn’t disappeared. She’s done an interview about America’s obsession with weight instead. So rather than being ‘Jessica Simpson: Sexual Napalm’ she’s back to being ‘Jessica Simpson: The Woman Who Got Slightly Fat For A Few Days Once And Then Wouldn’t Stop Rabbiting On About It’ again. Suits us.

Jessica Simpson Goes On A Revenge Diet! So Take That, Um, Food!

July 29th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jessica Simpson won’t look back on 2009 fondly – first she got a bit fat, then she split up with her boyfriend.

But she’ll show them. Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson’s going to show them GOOD! How? By doing the only sensible thing that a 29-year-old single woman who had one solitary unflattering photo taken of her several months ago can do – she’s going on a crash diet and exercising furiously. That’s right, Jessica Simpson is determined to lose one pound a day until there’s nothing left but a pile of teeth, nipples and clumps of hair.

So great work, Jessica. Almost there.

Jessica Simpson Makes A TV Show All About How Fat She Is

May 28th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jessica Simpson knows how to react when life hands her a lemon. She eats the lemon, then shakes life by the shoulders screaming “More lemons! MORE LEMONS!”

And then she runs off and holds up a Krispy Kreme outlet at gunpoint and orders one of the staff to help her chug an entire day’s worth of glaze in one go right from the machine. Because, you see, Jessica Simpson is fat.

OK, Jessica Simpson isn’t fat. But one photo taken months ago made her look slightly fatter than usual. So Jessica Simpson is making a TV series about it. Seriously.

Hooray! Jessica Simpson Isn’t Quite As Fat As She Used To Be

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As a normal human being, you’ve probably spent the last few months fretting endlessly about Jessica Simpson.

Is she fat? Is she thin? Is she thinner but still a bit fat? If you waved a gateaux under her nose would she bite your arms off at the elbows to get it? These are important questions, and Jessica Simpson wasn’t answering them.

Now she has. Jessica Simpson performed a concert on Sunday in a tiny pair of Daisy Duke shorts, which means she’s either thin again or they’ve started making Daisy Dukes in massive sizes. Who can really say for sure?

Jessica Simpson Addresses Her Weight, Except Not Really

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that Jessica Simpson is clinically obese, she’s going to see a whole lot of benefits – it’ll round out that troublesome jaw, for starters.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Jessica Simpson isn’t clinically obese – she just wore a bad pair of trousers once and hasn’t stopped acting offended because some people said it made her bum look big. Now Jessica Simpson has described the furore, saying that she’s OK because she “prays out loud”.

Incidentally, Pray Out Loud is the name of Jessica Simpson’s new single. Lucky it wasn’t called Cry And Eat Crisps A Lot, eh? That would have been really embarrassing.