Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? Well, she’s having a baby. That’s right! She had unprotected sex and her assorted ovaries and whatnot worked sufficiently well enough to harvest a tiny, shitting human! And yes, we’re supposed to care because it is still regarded as ‘a little miracle’.
Now then, how do people usually first find out they’re preggo?
Some just know after throwing up in a morning. However, morning sickness means nothing if you’re so riddled with anxiety that you are constantly puking and dry-heaving. Some do a widdle on a pregnancy test stick and read the results. Not Jessica Simpson though. She suddenly found herself having something called “a conscience” and it was the baby transmitting messages to her brain, like some evil genius.
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You know Jessica Simpson, right? She’s that blonde woman of no-fixed talent. She’s a thing that exists solely to provide erections to teenage boys, produce dribble in the arrestedly developed adults and occupy perfectly good shoes.
Well, she’s tired of being a nothing and is finding some self-worth inside her ovaries.
Yes! It’s the news we’ve all been waiting for! She is reportedly pregnant with her first child and, to celebrate, she’s eating a variety of harrowing snacks!
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The big news this week is that Jessica Simpson can read. You heard. She’s been taking classes in how to become a functioning human after she realised that her fame would be fleeting if she relied solely of her looks.
Oh, and let us not forget her singing voice. Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Sorry. Now that Jessica Simpson is a proper bookworm, she’s gravitating to real wordy affairs like the backs of oestrogen pill packets and the front of Pepsi cans. Better yet, she’s sharing her love of words with her fiancé Eric Johnson.
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The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.
Right? RIGHT?
If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:
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To be clear, while this rumour makes Jessica Simpson look like a cat lady desperate to keep a boyfriend of six months, this story is regarding $100,000 more than any of the hecklerspray gang have. That includes our pocket money, paper rounds, and the weekly tin of beans we get paid to entertain you good folks.
Jessica became engaged to her boyfriend-since-May, Eric Johnson, on Thursday of last week. She confirmed the news on Sunday. It had been six days since ex-husband Nick Lachey proposed to his girlfriend-of-four-years, Vanessa Minnillo.
Jessica insisted the timing of her engagement was a coincidence, caused by nothing more than withholding sex until she got her own way (we’re guessing that last bit). Either that, or engagement was just an option that didn’t require stretch trousers and dirty nappies; moreover, there’s no ‘Take backsies!’ on a baby, and no one gives you jewellery. Read More >>>
Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? There’s a chance you’ve had a guilty orgasm over her with your palm after seeing her in one of her revealing outfits. Just because you puked on yourself during your onanistic bout doesn’t get you off the hook. You’re still a weirdo for jacking off over someone who has a peculiarly wide face.
Anyway, Simpson is getting married again, which must be thrilling news for you… if you’re a maker of wedding cakes to the celebrity world.
And thank the stars that John Mayer isn’t on Twitter any more, or we’d have to include all his dribblings and abuse directed toward his ex-wife in a barely humorous story. Read More >>>
Christmas is rubbish. It’s a day that smells of farts which you are unable to muster up the effort to waft them away… heavy lidded and as full as a fat lady’s shoe. The TV is consistently awful with round-up shows, end-of-year quizzes and premiere’s of films you didn’t want to see in the first place.
Worst of all is the music, as the saccharine ballads are rolled out on TV, complete with the on-screen ticker reminding you of stranger’s unrelenting loneliness and palpable misery.
And this year will be worse than most as Jessica Simpson has revealed that she will release a Christmas album this year. Read More >>>
As normal humans, we often find ourselves waking up in a cold sweat worrying about Jessica Simpson’s love life.
Is she single? Is she happy? Do the answers to either of those two questions in any way indicate the onset of more binge-eating? Because then she’d have to get thin again and make another one of those terrible TV shows about how awful it is to occasionally be slightly fatter than normal, and that’d just be unbearable. So a happy Jessica Simpson equals a happy us.
The good news, then, is that Jessica Simpson has got a new boyfriend who used to play football just like her old boyfriend did. But is she happy? Hard to say. She is still Jessica Simpson, after all.
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