Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
We have all known for many years that Jessica Simpson wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.? Her biggest asset has always been?her gigantic rack, possibly her singing voice, but really not her brain.?
However, even I am a calling some “bullshit” on reports that Simpson is looking to get plastic surgery on a certain part of her anatomy to look like everyone’s favorite purveyor of golden showers and fame whoring.
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure a wedding day would ever come for Jessica Simpson with her baby daddy/fianc? Eric Johnson.? In case buying her own engagement ring wasn’t enough of a rocky start, they’ve thrown in having a couple of babies (adorable babies, mind you), and have let a few years go by with no movement forward.
But gold digging wannabe men everywhere, don’t lose hope!? The day finally arrived, Eric Johnson has secured himself a lifetime of spousal support, and Jessica can go back to pretending she didn’t peak during his marriage to Nick Lachey.
Once upon a time, Jessica Simpson magically beat Britney and Christina to become the hottest pop princess of the late 90s.? She was dumber than a sack of rocks, but it was okay because she has tig ol bitties and a fantastic ass.
Then, unfortunately, Simpson showed she was human by gaining some weight, rocking some mom jeans (before becoming a mom), and eventually having two children who reeked havoc on her thighs.? But that Weight Watchers deal seems to finally be paying off for her, as seen in a new Instagram picture posted.
Older siblings tend to get more attention than younger siblings. Believe me, I know, I’m the oldest of four kids. In the entertainment industry, a lot of older siblings tend to get more credit for being more talented and attractive (Beyonce and Solange, anyone?), but sometimes, a little brother or sister not only out hots their older sibling, they also out talent them.
Here are 10 younger siblings that are getting noticed all on their own for not only being mega hot, but also finding their own success away from the shadow of their older brother or sister. These guys aren’t just stepping out of their older sibling’s shadow, they’re starting to cast their own.
In the last two weeks, Kaley Cuoco married a guy that she dated for about an hour and Hilary Duff split up with her weird looking husband after three years of marriage. What do these things have in common? Well, technically, nothing other than the fact that both Kaley and Hilary are blond starlets that married athletes, but I have no desire in writing about female stars who get wetties for athletes.
Nope, what they have in common that I’m interested in is the fact that both Hilary and Kaley’s marriages were ones that probably should’ve waited. Hilary was only 23 when she got married, which is super young by today’s standards, and I’ve had heartburn longer than Kaley knew her husband. People in Hollywood have a lot of money, which means they often blow it on stupid shit like getting married without thinking about it. Sometimes they get married too young and sometimes they get married too quickly after being with someone. And we all know how that ends up going for them.
Everyone’s favorite ding-dong is coming to NBC. Jessica Simpson has confirmed?that she and her cleavage will star in and executive produce?a scripted sitcom loosely based on her life.
Always the exhibitionist, Jessica reveals that she’s eager for the world to see first-hand all the zany things that happen in her life.
“There’s a lot of things that happen in my life that I’m like, ‘People have to know about this’ … all the embarrassing things that happen behind closed doors, I wish, always wish that they were filmed.”
But this is according to the National Enquirer, so, you know–consider your source. They’re either incredibly spot on or very, very wrong. It’s either ‘Brad leaves Jen for Angelina’ or ‘Cher is Heading a Sex Cult.’ There is rarely middle ground in the?Enquirer newsroom.
At any rate, Jessica Simpson’s parents, Tina and Joe Simpson, have confirmed that they are indeed getting a divorce after thirty-four years of marriage. But according to the Enquirer, the divorce was spurred by Joe’s dropping a bomb on the Simpson family. According to the report: “He’s gay!”
Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? Well, she’s having a baby. That’s right! She had unprotected sex and her assorted ovaries and whatnot worked sufficiently well enough to harvest a tiny, shitting human! And yes, we’re supposed to care because it is still regarded as ‘a little miracle’.
Now then, how do people usually first find out they’re preggo?
Some just know after throwing up in a morning. However, morning sickness means nothing if you’re so riddled with anxiety that you are constantly puking and dry-heaving. Some do a widdle on a pregnancy test stick and read the results. Not Jessica Simpson though. She suddenly found herself having something called “a conscience” and it was the baby transmitting messages to her brain, like some evil genius.
You know Jessica Simpson, right? She’s that blonde woman of no-fixed talent. She’s a thing that exists solely to provide erections to teenage boys, produce dribble in the arrestedly developed adults and occupy perfectly good shoes.
Well, she’s tired of being a nothing and is finding some self-worth inside her ovaries.
Yes! It’s the news we’ve all been waiting for! She is reportedly pregnant with her first child and, to celebrate, she’s eating a variety of harrowing snacks!
The big news this week is that Jessica Simpson can read. You heard. She’s been taking classes in how to become a functioning human after she realised that her fame would be fleeting if she relied solely of her looks.
Oh, and let us not forget her singing voice. Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Sorry. Now that Jessica Simpson is a proper bookworm, she’s? gravitating to real wordy affairs like the backs of oestrogen pill packets and the front of Pepsi cans. Better yet, she’s sharing her love of words with her fianc? Eric Johnson.
