Some things we’ll go to the grave not knowing. Like, for example, do people really watch Brothers & Sisters? Really?

Also, we’ll never know what happened between Rob Lowe and his nanny Jessica Gibson. Last year Lowe claimed that Gibson was trying to blackmail him and sued her, only for her to hit back with a countersuit, saying that Rob Lowe waggled his willy at her and kept trying to put his hands in her knickers like some kind of box-faced Benny Hill sketch.

Anyway, Rob Lowe and Jessica Gibson have dropped their lawsuits now so, long story short, pfff.

Try as we might, we’ve never thought of Rob Lowe as a particularly sexual person. Why that is, we don’t know – it could be because his face looks like it was built out of unusually smug Duplo, or it could be that he once filmed himself having sex with an underage girl and so thinking of him in connection with anything sexual creeps us the hell out. It’s probably the first one, in retrospect.

And that’s why last year’s malarkey between Rob Lowe and his nannies was so unexpected. You may remember that last year Rob Lowe sued all of his staff - some for allegedly swearing, some for allegedly having sex on his bed and then stealing all of his medicine and, in the case of nanny Jessica Gibson, for allegedly lying about giving him a massage. The lawsuits came as a surprise for three main reasons:

1 – It seemed like quite a heavyhanded reaction.

2 - We’d previously forgotten that Rob Lowe had ever existed, and

3 – Surely Rob Lowe would be too busy licking posters of his own chest while listening a tape recording of himself performing Mr Loverman by Shabba Ranks to notice it had even happened.

But more of a surprise was that Jessica Gibson countersued Rob Lowe, claiming that he liked nothing more than to flap his penis around at her and try and shove his hands down her knickers. What really happened between them? We’ll never know, because both Rob Lowe and Jessica Gibson have decided to drop their lawsuits. EW reports:

Both sides have reportedly requested that their respective lawsuits be dismissed, according to court records. Lawyers for both sides declined to comment to People, so it’s not known if a financial settlement was involved.

In many ways we suppose that a quiet, confidential end to this dispute is in everybody’s best interest. Particularly ours because every time we’re reminded of anything to do with Rob Lowe we think of this song and then we have to spend two afterwards hours quelling the urge to hurt people.

Anyway, it’s all over now, and both Rob Lowe and Jessica Gibson can get on with what they enjoy doing best. We don’t know what that is in the case of Jessica Gibson, but for Rob Lowe we’d imagine it probably involves covering himself in baby oil, drawing a pastel picture of himself riding a unicorn across a rainbow and trying to lick his own face. That’s just how we imagine Rob Lowe spends the majority of his time.

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As if the business of Rob Lowe suing three former employees for extortion wasn’t complicated enough, now there’s a doozy of a countersuit.

And we mean, it’s a doozy. Rob Lowe’s 24-year-old former nanny Jessica Gibson has hit back at Lowe with a lawsuit of her own that claims Rob Lowe alledgedly kept exposing himself to her, tried repeatedly to shove his hands down her knickers and grabbed her buttocks in all kinds of different ways.

This quarrel between Rob Lowe and his nanny is turning into an expensive game of he said/she said that’ll leave no reputations intact whatsoever. Having said that, though, perhaps it’s all a mix-up – perhaps Rob Lowe was only grabbing Jessica Gibson’s buttocks so he could see how dreamy it made his forearms look. That’d certainly make more sense.

We’ve always been under the impression that there’s something fishy about Rob Lowe. Maybe it’s the way his face is the exact dimension of a tortoise coffin. Maybe it’s the way his Visit California tourism advert seems desperately insincere. Maybe it’s the way he’s a recovering alcoholic who filmed himself having sex with an underage girl once. There’s just no way to find out for sure.

But when Rob Lowe sued his former nanny for a million dollars recently, it made even less sense than you’d expect it to. You’ll remember that Rob Lowe claimed that one nanny had told lies about an intimate relationship between them and was falsely claiming sexual harassment.That’s extortion.

Extortion is a criminal offence, but then Rob Lowe dismissed the help of the police when they offered to help him get to the bottom of the nanny’s claims. Which is unusual to say the least. Was Rob Lowe hiding something, you might ask?

Well, Jessica Gibson seems to think he is. That’s because Jessica Gibson is the former nanny who Rob Lowe is suing. And she’s now claimed in a countersuit that Rob Lowe allegedly exposed himself to her, tried to put his hands down his knickers and grabbed her buttocks. People reports:

Lowe, 44, the lawsuit… alleges, “placed his hand inside Gibson’s pants” several times from about Sept. 2005 to around Jan. 2008. The actor also allegedly grabbed her buttocks without her consent around Dec. 2007, according to the filing. In a statement read on Tuesday’s Today show, the Lowes’ attorney, Stanton “Larry” Stein, said: “Ms. Gibson’s older sister worked for the Lowes for 7 years. Ms. Gibson worked for the Lowes on and off for 7 years. She left at least 2 times, to pursue other jobs, and returned each time asking for more hours. She sent 2 emails the day after she left, both saying she loved the Lowes and her leaving had nothing to do with them but her heart wasn’t into being a nanny anymore. This is totally inconsistent with her latest allegations.”

So either Rob Lowe or Jessica Gibson is telling lies, but who? On the one hand, Rob Lowe’s behaviour around this lawsuit has been a little bit suspect, but on the other hand maybe Jessica Gibson is the liar here.

After all, being falsely accused of a sexual attack is probably every man’s worst nightmare. And what’s more: can you imagine Rob Low grabbing anyone’s buttocks? Of course you can’t.

That’s because Rob Lowe is too busy grabbing his own buttocks while looking in a mirror, yelling “Ow!” and snarling at himself in a creepy sexual way. That’s something we imagine that Rob Lowe does most days.

Read more:

Former Nanny: Rob Lowe Exposed Himself to Me – People