Apparently, Jessica Biel was scarred by taking her clothes off in ‘Powder Blue’, a film she’s made that no-one watched. No. She’s not disrobing with a chainsaw you dolt. Her scars are emotional.
Emotional scars are the worst ones aren’t they? Mind-scabs are agony.
Anyway, despite saying that she found it “brutal” to see images of her naked body strewn across the Internet thanks to the nudey clip from the film (which you can watch over the jump if you’re unbearably lonely), she’s actually willing to do it again. That’s because she’s an actor and they sometimes take their clothes off. It’s spectacularly unremarkable news. Unremarkable news with boobs though.
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Mila Kunis clearly doesn’t think much of herself. Her self esteem is so obviously low that even we, the troglodytes of the ‘spray hovel, can feel completely superior to her. That said, she did spend a bit of time between Natalie Portman’s legs in Black Swan, whereas we have to make do with photocopies of her face with a hole poked in the mouth.
That said, Kunis used to willingly have sex with Macaulay Culkin and even we’re not that depressed and lonely.
Where we sync up is accepting sexual advances from weirdos on the internet. Jaded writers relying on the kindness of strangers is no big news, but a successful actress with a nice face? Yep. It’s true. Mila has agreed to go on a date with a US Marine sergeant who asked her out for a date on YouTube.
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Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, and then promptly stopped making records because there’s more money in the movies. Seeing as we don’t have a proper male pop-superstar, we can blame JT for Justin bloody Bieber.
And Mila Kunis is the woman who indulged in some lavendering with Natalie Portman in Black Swan, which will keep most of you in mucky thoughts for a lifetime.
Both of these attractive humans appear in a film called Friends With Benefits and for the most part, they’re both naked in it. Two attractive people with no clothes on. What a nice image to have in your head, which will slowly erode your sense of worth because you begin to feel more ugly with each vinegar stroke.
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Hey ladies and homosexual men! How many times have you imagined having some kind of sexual activity with Justin Timberlake? Sadly for you, he’s never even considered you as a conquest because you’re as ugly as a barrel of rubber Brian Sewell masks. Sorry.
No, our Justin is linked with the world’s most beautiful women, all of whom are lucky enough to be in with a shout of seeing exactly what makes up Justin’s ‘triple threat’ (stuff to do with kissing boobs, bits and bum no doubt, the mucky bugger).
However, one person who isn’t flashing her under carriage at JT is Olivia Wilde who you’ll know as being that woman from Tron or something.
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Remember when Justin Timberlake made records? That was fun wasn’t it? He came along and gave us the tunes Michael Jackson was too chicken to chance his arm on and generally revived everyone’s hopes for a decent male popstar.
Then, after a few decent spots on Saturday Night Live, he beggared off and started making films, leaving us to suffer Justin Bieber and… well… there’s no other famous male singers. Thanks Timberlake, you inconsiderate swine.
And thanks to being a genuine triple-threat, Timberlake is not exactly short of female admirers (and male admirers no doubt). So, Justin is in the enviable position of being able to ditch Jessica Biel in favour of Mila Kunis. His life must be awful, eh?
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Good news girls, the man of your dreams is back on the market! That’s right – Jessica Biel is single again!
Wait, that’s not right. We meant to say this: Good news boys, the girl of your dreams is back on the market! That’s right – Justin Timberlake is single again! No, wait, hang on. We’ve confused ourselves. Anyway, our point is this – Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have totally split up.
Except they haven’t. A magazine claimed that Justin Timberlake had left Jessica Biel for Rihanna, but apparently it was all a lie. And yet you’re still reading this. God, you’re weird.
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Could we have a moment’s silence for Jessica Biel? The struggle that woman has gone through. Honestly, it beggars belief.
What struggle are we talking about? Well, look at her. The poor wretch is beautiful. Do you know the endless misery that comes from having skin as clear and luminous as an angel’s teardrop? Can you understand the despair that you have to endure day after day just because both of your eyes point in the same direction? It’s a nightmare. A living nightmare.
And that’s why Jessica Biel deserves our sympathy – she’s been describing her horrifying plight to Allure.
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Breaking news: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are dating. Oh, wait, we already knew that.
The pair have been together for over two years, and in that entire time ol’ Timbo would have been more likely to have admitted to regular nose picking than to dating his foxy partner.
For the first time since he over-shared about his juvenile love with a pre-headshave Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake has opened up to the media about a girlfriend.
On the one hand, we should probably be glad that Justin makes a point, these days, never to speak at length with the media. Have you ever heard him talk?
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