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Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba’s Guts Airbrushed Off In That Calender

by Stuart Heritage

You know the 2009 Campari calender, the one where Jessica Alba pouts and struts like the sexiest little Greek boy alive?

You know how your first instinct upon seeing the pictures – after wondering why Will Weaton had done such a sexually ambiguous photoshoot – was to marvel at Jessica Alba’s body and swear that if you ever had kids you’d sexily malnourish them too?

Well, relax – some before-and-after photos have appeared on the internet, showing that Jessica Alba was so heavily airbrushed for the shots that we suspect the original model was actually an overweight stubbly bloke in his fifties from Dagenham.

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Jessica Alba Shows Off Her Unusually Hairy Baby

by Stuart Heritage

Things we’ve learnt today, number 14 – Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene.

She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.

At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-moneycovershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.

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Jessica Alba Is Actually Satan

by Matthew Laidlow

We’re not ones for spreading malicious lies about people, but we have received word that someone living amongst us is demonic and pure evil.

Hecklerspray strongly recommends that you get down to your nearest jewellery shop and buy up all the crosses you can buy. Or if you don’t have much cash, go down to your nearest church and see what you can pick up.

You see, it could be the end of the world as we know it. For years, Christians have battled against evil and told us that one day Satan will rise up to do battle with us all. This has finally happened as Jessica Alba has unmasked herself as the evil lord of the underworld. And she’s a girl, who’d have thought that? So repent now people! Or just give Jessica a biscuit. That’d probably do it as well.

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Jessica Alba: Pregnancy Made Her All Fat And Gross And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail.

Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

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Men Want Brad Pitt’s Bod, But Fancy Jessica Alba

by hecklerspray staff

From DietPixie – A massive 90% of blokes aged 15-40 would like to be more muscular, with the favourite body to covet being Brad Pitt’s.

His missus, Angelina Jolie, came second in the league table of ladies whose bodies they admired, with new mum Jessica Alba coming first.

Madonna and Britney: not so good.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

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Tori Spelling Copies Alba, Has Child

by Ian Dransfield

It’s not uncommon to see a celebrity that has suffered a downturn in their career take ‘inspiration’ from another, more popular personality to get their life back on track. But this has to be the worst case of copycat behaviour we’ve ever seen. Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills 90210 and… errm… some shit reality TV [...]

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Little Girl Pulled Screaming Out Of Jessica Alba’s Naughty Bits

by Paul Sorrenti

A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girls attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

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Jessica Alba Gets Married, Shotgun Style

by Stuart Heritage

As the Bible states, “If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can’t convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her.”

And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.

So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.

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Jessica Alba To Never Speak English To Her Baby

by Stuart Heritage

We’re starting to get the impression that Jessica Alba is running out of ways to keep her pregnancy sexy.

That’s not to say that she didn’t do a good job initially – in the early stages Jessica Alba all but demanded that everyone in the vicinity had to gawp at her massive new boobs for hours on end. But then that was followed by a confusing mid-section where Jessica Alba revealed that she kept chucking her boyfriend out. That’s a sort of fiery thing to do, and fiery can sometimes be a little bit sexy, so we all went along with it.

And now? Now Jessica Alba has announced that, um, she’s only going to talk Spanish to her new baby. Which is… well, it’s crap, let’s not beat around the bush.

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Jessica Alba Kicks Her Boyfriend Out Twice

by Stuart Heritage

Having seen several of her films, we thought that the only emotions Jessica Alba could convincingly portray were low-level dimness and moderate-level dimness.

How wrong we were – it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.

At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest – if we’d let a man called Cash knock us up we’d be pretty bloody livid too.

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