Articles tagged with: Jessica Alba
From DietPixie - A massive 90% of blokes aged 15-40 would like to be more muscular, with the favourite body to covet being Brad Pitt’s. His missus, Angelina Jolie, came second in the league table of ladies whose bodies they admired, with new mum Jessica Alba coming first.
Madonna and Britney: not so
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It's not uncommon to see a celebrity that has suffered a downturn in their career take 'inspiration' from another, more popular personality to get their life back on track. But this has to be the worst case of copycat behaviour we've ever seen. Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills 90210 and... errm... some shit reality TV show fame, has gone and got herself one of those baby things in what experts are calling 'clearly a rip off of Jessica Alba'. The brazen attempt to hoard some publicity is sure to backfire as members of the public lash out at Tori and her derivative behaviour.
A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’. According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl. They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl's attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.
As the Bible states, "If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can't convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her." And if anyone knows that it's Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or - worse still - not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married. So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she's so lucky.
We're starting to get the impression that Jessica Alba is running out of ways to keep her pregnancy sexy.
That's not to say that she didn't do a good job initially - in the early stages Jessica Alba all but demanded that everyone in the vicinity had to gawp at her massive new boobs for hours on end. But then that was followed by a confusing mid-section where Jessica Alba revealed that she kept chucking her boyfriend out. That's a sort of fiery thing to do, and fiery can sometimes be a little bit sexy, so we all went along with it.
And now? Now Jessica Alba has announced that, um, she's only going to talk Spanish to her new baby. Which is... well, it's crap, let's not beat around the bush.
Having seen several of her films, we thought that the only emotions Jessica Alba could convincingly portray were low-level dimness and moderate-level dimness.
How wrong we were - it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.
At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest - if we'd let a man called Cash knock us up we'd be pretty bloody livid too.
Now that another man's unborn baby is living in her stomach, Jessica Alba runs the risk of alienating her biggest market - the horny teenage boy.
And while the pregnancy means that they won't get to see Jessica Alba running around in her skimpies on film for a while, Jessica has thrown them a proverbial bone by talking at length about how big and squashy her newly-engorged boobs are.
Teenagers, don't wank yourself into a blistered stump just yet - you haven't exactly heard what Jessica Alba has to say yet.
You have to admire Jessica Alba - even though her pregnancy means that her career as a nubile sexpot is over, she's putting a brave face on it.
In fact, she's doing more than that - Jessica Alba seems to be over the moon that she's pregnant, telling anyone who'll listen that being pregnant is "awesome" and that she's having fun "nesting" and stuff.
Don't worry boys, even though Jessica Alba is pregnant, she hasn't forgotten about you - which is why there's some pretty heavy-duty discussion of breast-engorgement where this one's headed.
