Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

Remember to click ‘HD’ to see Mof in all his terrifying glory.

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Women! Famous ones! Women about to ruin their lives by introducing more children to this cripplingly awful planet! HURRAY! We have started knitting tiny woollen shoes and cutting a high leg to make attractive tanga brief nappies for the discerning celeb sprog.

And in great news for punners and headline writers, Hilary Duff is pregnant on the year anniversary of her marriage to some pointless athlete or other.

Elsewhere, Jessica Alba has a baby, which means that we can rehash our jokes about cheap Alba stereo units that people used to buy, which most of you will have never heard of because you’re all ironic, middle-class shitheads who had everything they ever wanted, not that it stopped you from writing maudlin poetry, crying on your driving holiday to France.

Anyway, Duff fizzed with naive excitement about her imminent child, not aware of the fact that it will almost certainly tear her undercarriage into one grotesque hole, and then robbing of her of joie de vivre ’til the offspring is at least 40 years old, saying:

“I can’t believe it has already been a year, time really flies when you’re having fun! We also want to share the exciting news that… BABY MAKES THREE!!! We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives.”

A long, miserable chapter where all social networking profile pictures are replaced with dribbling images of a puking infant.

We hope she’ll be carbon offsetting this little spewing, crying git-button. We really do. As a wealthy American child, Duff may as well pour gasoline on the roadside while burning tyres in a factory made from panda skulls.

And while this was all going on, Jessica Alba finally announced the birth of her second budget stereo which has a temperamental CD player and a twin-cassette deck, one that chews tapes up, the other which sounds muffled for no reason at all.

She’s named it Haven Garner Warren for some reason. She’s shared a picture of her pride and joy online, which you can see here.

Yes. You’re supposed to care.

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Do you like looking at Jessica Alba? Do you think she’s a very attractive woman but would look much better with no clothes on, writhing around on a bed and panting like a dog locked in a car on a sunny day?

Well, chances are, you’ve been a bit frustrated with chunks of Alba’s career as she’s shown herself to be a bit of a prude. Not too much, but y’know, a bit.

And so, if you went to the cinema to watch Machete in the hope of loads of filth, smut and sex, the reason you were left half-cocked is because Alba made the director take out loads of sex scenes that were written into the script for her character.

Sadly for you perverts, Alba confessed that she was just too ‘conservative’ to commit to the movie when she first read the script.

The 29-year-old, who had already worked with Machete director Rodriguez on Sin City, said that when she read the script ‘there was a lot of sex stuff’ for her character. That sounds fun doesn’t it? Sadly for you, she persuaded him to cut some of the scenes.

Alba said she told the director:

“You know the scenes where this is happening? I just feel really uncomfortable doing that.”

As such, she decided that a better idea would be to ditch the smoulderiness in favour of the sexiest thing of all – politics. Oh god.

“I also said it would be great if we girls could be just as strong and dynamic as the men, and he thought that was a great idea.”

“And then the political undertone is incredible. You never get to talk about socio-political issues in life, let alone in a film.”

Of course, Machete is based on the spoof trailer that appears in the Grindhouse flick. Sadly, instead of getting a super trashy film that was smart enough to be dumb, we got something with a message.

Gah.

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Jessica Alba is a constant on pointless Top 100 Women That Other Humans Masturbate Over Pictures Of lists. Her genes are doing something right. Right? Wrong. That’s because Jessica Alba is so horrific to look at that the Earth itself has grown a mouth, just so it can do a little sick in it.

That’s according to her anyway.

Yep, Jessica Alba thinks that she’s one of the least attractive actresses in the film industry. That’s right. Less-attractive than Kathy Burke.

Alba has told British GQ magazine that ever since daughter Honor Marie popped out of her insides, her looks aren’t what they used to be.

She says:

“My breasts are saggy, I’ve got cellulite, my hips are bigger… every actress out there is more beautiful than me.”

Of course, this didn’t stop her from appearing in the magazine in a variety of figure hugging outfits that show off how irritatingly toned she is.

Not that you’ll be seeing her in the nip or anything, as she’s still not willing to do nude scenes in films. Despite, of course, having already done some nude scenes in films.

She told Scarlet magazine in February:

“I’ll never do a nude scene. I can act sexy and wear sexy clothes but I can’t go naked.”

“I think I was always very uncomfortable about the way my body developed, and I remember my grandmother would freak out and throw a towel over me if she saw me wearing just a bra and panties.”

“I come from a very Catholic family so it wasn’t seen as a good thing to flaunt yourself like that. I can handle being sexy with clothes on but not with them off.”

Have you seen Sleeping Dictionary? She looks pretty naked in that. Oh dear. We’ve lost all our readers after mentioning that. Dirty buggers.

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The Killer Inside Me, the latest genre excursion from filmmaker Michael Winterbottom, opens with a huge red herring. A jaunty, stylish credits sequence ushers the film in to the tune of Little Willie John’s version of ‘Fever’. ‘Fever”s a bit of an aural signpost.

Putting it over the opening credits of a film is like saying “What follows will be sexy. You will basically be able to smell it”.

The fact that The Killer Inside Me won’t give you a fever that’s hard to bear, however, is the least of its problems.

Casey Affleck stars as Deputy Sheriff Lou Ford, tasked with running prostitute Joyce Lakeland (Jessica Alba) out of town at the behest of a local property tycoon (Ned Beatty in a stetson, always a pleasure), whose son has designs on eloping with her. Deputy Ford and Joyce fall in love, conspire to dupe Beatty out of some money and skip town. Ford decides to take the plan in a wholly different direction and has good old-fashioned moider in mind.

Tonally weird – not in a good way – and largely inconsequential – despite a final act attempt at ladling on profundity – The Killer Inside Me, adapted from Jim Thompson’s darkest noir, just kind of hangs there, as a film, pissing off those, like me, who really wanted it to be great and using a certain kind of shock tactic to bait those who probably wouldn’t have given the film a second look otherwise. This is the film where Jessica Alba gets punched in the face.

Repeatedly.

For a good few minutes.

Yes, it’s difficult to skirt around the violence in The Killer Inside Me. Thompson’s prose goes pretty hard, but translated to pictures… well, it’s hard to lie here, it’s pretty repugnant. And we’re gorehounds.

Part of the reason for this is Winterbottom’s failure to convey the love between Ford and Joyce, which gives the ensuing violence a tasteless nihilistic tinge. It feels low-stakes and exploitative, when it shouldn’t have (yes there’s a place for low-stakes, exploitative, nihilistic violence, but the lack of feeling is a minus here).

It’s a shame as the impressive cast all do good work, most notably Kate Hudson who – as Ford’s put-upon girlfriend, Amy – is as good as she’s ever been. Affleck is dependably excellent and chilling and Elias Koteas and Brent Briscoe do well with small roles.

Winterbottom’s prolific nature is really starting to tell, however, and his films are suffering as a by-product. Yeah, okay we know you like to knock out at least a film a year but maybe taking a little more time on some of them might elevate them from merely ‘good’ to ‘great’ status. There’s yet to be a dislikeable Winterbottom feature (yes, you can even manage to enjoy the reviled ‘NME Goes Grumble’ of 9 Songs for what it is), but it’s hard to love any of them. They all, to a film, stop short of greatness and The Killer Inside Me is no exception.

It does have a lot to recommend – the performances, as mentioned, the arid Texan-noir atmosphere and a barmy epilogue that’s pretty faithful to the book – but the overall impression left by The Killer Inside Me, in spite of the amount of times Alba’s face gets pounded, is that of a trifle when it should have cut deeper.

The Killer Inside Me is released on Blu-Ray & DVD on Monday September 27th.

There’s no doubt that comic book movies have included some of the hottest actresses around.

It only makes sense. I mean, if you were creating a comic book story, wouldn’t you draw the hottest women you could think of?

So, obviously, when it comes to turning these scribbles into real people for Movieland, you really have to find the cream. And, for the most part, the studios get it right. So much so, that crunching them down into just 26 was one of the hardest tasks we have ever done.

But it was worth every minute. Enjoy.

26. Maria Bello
Notable comic book movie appearance: A History Of Violence (2005)

Some of you may or may not know that A History Of Violence is a comic book movie. Probably because it doesn’t involve anyone with in tights with superpowers. However, Maria Bello comes close to a superwoman.

25. Natalie Portman
Notable comic book appearance: V for Vendetta (2005)

Another pants film, but Natalie Portman is always worth watching. Terrible accent though.

24. Tanya Roberts
Notable comic book appearance: Sheena (1984)

Possibly the worst movie ever made, but Tanya Roberts does a topless bathing scene. Unfortunately, it has been taken down. If anyone can find it, please send it to us.

23. Maggie Gyllenhaal
Notable comic book appearance: The Dark Knight (2008)

I think we’d all like to give her a bit of a spanking.

22. Naomi Watts
Notable comic book movie appearance: Tank Girl (1995)

I suppose we all had to start somewhere. I definitely prefer her Ring though.

21. Adrienne Barbeau
Notable comic book movie appearance: Swamp Thing (1982)

Her jiggle was the movie’s most memorable special effect.

20. Leonor Varela
Notable comic book movie appearance: Blade 2

A bit of a favourite among the hecklerspray crew. Mind you, with a name that sounds like fabric conditioner it’s only natural she’d clean up.

19. Eva Mendes
Notable comic book movie appearance: Ghost Rider (2007)

Eva Mendes really needs a new agent. She stars in the worst films ever. Ghost Rider certainly falls into that category, but Eva certainly made it slightly watchable.

18. Liv Tyler
Notable comic book movie appearance: The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Is it wrong to prefer with pointy ears?

17. Kelly Hu
Notable comic book movie appearance: X-Men 2 (2000)

Kelly Hu kicked ass in X Men 2. Although you wouldn’t want her to rake her claws down your back.

16. Helen Slater
Notable comic book movie appearance: Supergirl (1984)

More girl next door than hot babe, but it’s always the quiet ones.

15. Kirsten Dunst
Notable comic book movie appearance: Spider-Man trilogy (2002-2007)

Not everyone’s cup of tea, but certainly sexy enough to deserve a place on here.

14. Jennifer Garner
Notable comic book appearances: Daredevil (2003) and Elektra (2005)

Again, both Daredevil and Elecktra were pants, but Jennifer Garner dressed up in that outfit helped ease the pain.

13. Halle Berry
Notable comic book appearances: X-Men trilogy (2000-2006) and Catwoman (2004)

Catwoman sucked big time, but her outfit almost made it worth watching. Almost…

12. Jennifer Connelly
Notable comic book appearance: Hulk (2003), Rocketeer (1991)

Maybe there is something wrong with us, but Hulk was so bad we kept hoping it would end like Requiem For A Dream. That would have woken a few people up.

=10. Malin Akerman and Carla Gugino
Notable comic book movie appearance: Watchmen (2009)

The office is divided over who is better, so we bottled it and slung them together.

9. Rebecca Romijn
Notable comic book appearances: X-Men trilogy (2000-2006)

She may not have looked at her best in X-Men- unless you are turned on by scaly, blue things – but there is no doubt behind the make-up Rebecca is a real class act.

8. Michelle Pfeiffer
Notable comic book movie appearance: Batman Returns (1992)

Batman Returns was a poor follow-up to Batman, but Michelle Pfeiffer certainly livened things up in that suit. OK, we avoided the obvious pussy jokes.

8. Jane Fonda
Notable comic book movie appearance: Barbarella (1968)

Some of you maybe scratching your heads right now, but Barbarella is indeed based on a comic book. A French one by Jean-Claude Forest to be exact. Of course, it is just another excuse to stick a video of Jane Fonda in barely anything on our site.

7. Lena Headey
Notable comic book movie appearance: 300 (2006)

I think we would all would have liked to have gone Spartan on the sexy British actress.

6. Rosario Dawson
Notable comic book movie appearance: Sin City (2005)

Living in sin with Rosario Dawson? OK, where do we sign up?

5. Famke Janssen
Notable comic book appearances: X-Men trilogy (2000-2005)

I think we all would not mind being between Famke’s thighs – even if she is squeezing you to death. Oh, bollocks, wrong movies. Thing is, being turned into dust particles doesn’t work as well, does it?

4. Milla Jovovich
Notable comic book movie appearance: Ultraviolet (2006)

OK, the movie sucked, but Milla is always worth watching.

3. Emmanuelle Vaugier
Notable comic book movie appearance: Painkiller Jane

The Saw actress even outshines Kristanna Loken in the TV movie of Painkiller Jane. Not an easy task.

2. Jessica Biel
Notable comic book movie appearance: Blade: Trinity

It was difficult separating Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba for the top spot, but I’d love to give it a try.

1. Jessica Alba
Notable comic book movie appearances: Sin City, Fantastic Four

Take your pick which role you prefer out of the sexy stripper from Sin City or the angelic Susan Storm in the Fantastic Four, there is no doubt Jessica Alba is one of the hottest women in Hollywood right now.

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Grab your magic wands and swords – let’s hear it for the hottest fantasy film babes.

In our latest excuse to trawl the internet looking for pictures of sexy women, we have decided to focus our attentions on the strange world of fantasy.

Now, admittedly, this could be misinterpreted as an excuse to scour the net for porn.  Type in the words ‘fantasy film’ or ‘fantasy babes’ into your search engine of choice and you certainly get some interesting responses. But you’ll be delighted to know we stayed professional throughout, kept our greedy eyes off the one ring and stuck rigidly to our magical quest.

After all, this was more ‘dwarf’ than ‘dwarf porn’. However, it did raise an important issue: what exactly is a fantasy movie? Well, it’s actually a very difficult question to answer. We all kind of know what a fantasy film is, but we all add different movies into the equation.

For example: our superhero movies considered fantasy? Would you add horror movies? What about Star Wars? Anyway, to try and help us with our task we looked up several definitions. The best we could come up with was this:

‘Fantasy films are films with fantastic themes, usually involving magic, supernatural events, make-believe creatures, or exotic fantasy worlds. The genre is considered to be distinct from science fiction film and horror film, although the genres do overlap.’

But even this seemed a bit vague. So we decided to come up with our own rules, which basically meant we ditched horror and superhero movies, and let you argue among yourselves over the results.

For example, we decided Star Trek was science fiction, while Star Wars was more fantasy – for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, and no anime or cartoons. These are our rules, OK?

Anyway, enjoy!

25. Cherie Lunghi (Guenevere)
Movie: Excalibur

A must-see film – and not just because Cherie Lunghi and Helen Mirren get undressed.

24. Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts)
Movie: King Kong

Beauty killed the beast, but she at least kept us awake through the first hour and half of the movie.

23. Kira (Olivia Newton-John)
Movie: Xanadu

OK, the boss asked us to put this in. He has a thing for Olivia.

22. Jessica (Jenny Agutter)
Movie: Logan’s Run

You have to love Jenny Agutter. She loses her clothes more times than Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton combined.

21. Princess Lyssa (Lysette Anthony)
Movie: Krull

Krull was a terrible film, but Lysette gave a stand out performance.

20. Winona Ryder (Kim)
Movie: Edward Scissorhands
Everyone’s favourite cleptomaniac.

19. Andromeda (Judi Bowker)
Movie: Clash of the Titans

Did she do anything else?

18. Sorsha (Joanne Whalley)
Movie: Willow

Brit actress was one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood at one point – then she married Val Kilmer. What a Whalley.

17. Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards)
Movie: Starship Troopers

16. River (Summer Glau)
Movie: Serenity

Whether it’s playing some kind of killing machine in Serenity or as a, err, killing machine in the Terminator series, Summer is a ray of sunshine.

15. Morena Baccarin
Movie: Serenity

One of the most attractive space whores ever.

14. Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)
Movie: The Fifth Element

It’s Milla time!

13. Maj. Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra)
Movie: Doomsday

The sexy British actress was the original Lara Croft model – need we say more?

12. Trinity (Carrie Ann-Moss)
Movie: Matrix trilogy

11. Princess Farah (Jane Seymour)
Movie: Sinbad and the Eye Of The Tiger

Jane Seymour about to get ravaged by a one-eyed monster.

10. Arwen (Liv Tyler)
Movies: Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Pointy ears or not – Liv is stunning.

9. Loana (Raquel Welch)
Movie: One Million Years BC

Welch’s blonde cavewoman certainly gave us the bone.

8. Gail (Rosario Dawson)
Movie: Sin City

Sin in the city with Rosario Dawson? Hell yeah!

6. Padme (Natalie Portman)
Movies: Star Wars prequels

OK, the films were pants, but at least we had something to look at apart from that abortion Jar Jar.

5. Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey)
Movie: 300

She really does rule.

4. Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox)
Movie: Transformers

What a fox.

3. Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)
Movies: Star Wars trilogy

Gold bikini. Don’t think we need to add anything more.

2. Barbarella (Jane Fonda)
Movie: Barbarella

How good is that pic?

1. Jessica Alba
Movie: Sin City

A clear winner.

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Good news! It looks like Jessica Alba has finally found her calling! Because lord knows it isn’t acting!

No, instead Jessica Alba has revealed her true talent to be political activism. Admittedly she’s rubbish at that too, and the extent of her activism seems to involve illegally pasting up a load of posters about shark awareness in a city that’s 500 miles away from the sea and then getting caught doing it, but – to reiterate – she’s still better at that than she is at acting.

Not that it matters – Jessica Alba won’t be charged. Another win for moderate physical attractiveness! Hooray!

Honestly Barack Obama, you’ve got a lot to answer for. Before you turned up, our celebrities were happy to be celebrities. They’d show up for work in an inappropriate frock, do six minutes of work, get paid $400 million for it and then get drunk and punch a photographer in the face on the way home. Maybe they’d mumble the word ‘Darfur’ under their breath every couple of months, but only because they heard George Clooney do it once so they assumed that Darfur was a hot young fashion designer. And that’s the way we liked it.

But now? Now, because they managed to pull a sad face while saying the word ‘landmine’ in a black and white two-minute internet election video a year ago, all the celebrities seem to consider themselves to be all-powerful political mavens. Just look at Jessica Alba, for instance – the poor girl’s clearly as dumb as a box of sand, but because she endorsed Barack Obama in the last election and he ended up winning, she’s gone crazy with power.

And that explains why Jessica Alba has decided to take her unique brand of geographically-confused political activism to the streets. Which would be fine, except for the following things.

1 – Jessica Alba’s political activism apparently involved illegal flyposting.

2 – We know this because Jessica Alba then posed for photos next to the posters, and the photos appeared on the internet.

3 - Jessica Alba reportedly broke the law like this to raise awareness of the declining number of great white sharks – the big fishy human-eating dead-eyed bastards so universally disliked by everything else on the face of the Earth that someone once made a film about one getting its jawbone exploded off with a hand grenade and nobody even minded.

4 - Jessica Alba did this in Oklahoma City, a city so far away from the sea that it may as well be on the bastard moon.

But still, despite this it’s been revealed that Jessica Alba won’t be charged for her part in the flyposting campaign, as Parade reveals:

Police in Oklahoma City have decided against charging actress Jessica Alba with vandalism for her part in a campaign that left parts of the city covered with posters. Owners of the property on which the posters were placed did not want to press charges.  Last week, Alba apologized to Oklahoma City residents. “I got involved in something I should have had no part of.”

So all’s well that ends well. Thanks to all of this faff, everybody now knows that there are less sharks in the sea that there once were, that Oklahoma City residents have a lax attitude to pressing charges against flyposters and Jessica Alba is now apologising for things she should have had no part in – which means we can now expect similar apologies for Good Luck Chuck, The Fantastic Four, The Ring Eye, The Fantastic Four 2, Awake and The Love Guru.

Jessica, your conscience demands it.

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With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect.

How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?

Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.

Click here to launch the gallery

24 – Gisele

Fancy a ride?

23 – Kim Kardashian

Have you seen that sex tape?

22 – Vanessa Hudgens

Almost makes watching High School Musical worthwhile. No, what are we thinking? She doesn’t.

21 – Marissa Miller

A Sports Illustrated bikini model.

20 – Britney Spears

OK, so she’s nuts, but she used to be quite hot.

19 – Keeley Hazell

We can think of two reasons for her inclusion here.

18 – Hayden Panittiere

17 – Halle Berry

16 – Natalie Portman

The only reason anyone watched the Star Wars prequels.

15 – Shakira

Sexy, just don’t confuse her humble breasts for mountains.

14 – Evangeline Lilly

13 – Tricia Helfer

The sexiest toaster we’ve ever seen.

12 – Adriana Lima

We are just nuts about this Brazilian.

11 – Beyonce

That Jay-Z is a lucky chap.

10 – Scarlett Johannson

Seems like everyone’s got Scarlett fever.

9 – Elisha Cuthert

Back in 24, but is it better? No.

8 – Melissa Theuriau

Looks, she can even make earthquakes sexy.

7 – Allesandra Ambrosio

Ambrosio? Doesn’t that mean ‘food of the Gods’?

6 – Lena Heady

Makes us proud to be British.

5 – Megan Fox

What a, ahem, fox.

4 – Jessica Biel

Easy virtues? We wish.

3 – Tina Fey

Brains, beauty and funny. Perfect… almost.

2 – Angelina Jolie

Two words – grey wetsuit.

1 – Jessica Alba

We think we’re in love.

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Jessica Alba has two main talents – picking terrible movies and giving unwatchable performances in them.

And now we can add a third – Jessica Alba is also a genius. No, really, she is. Recently, unbearable gasbag Bill O’Reilly mocked Jessica Alba for saying that Sweden was a neutral wartime country. And now Jessica has hit back at Bill with all sorts of long words she almost certainly doesn’t understand..

Pick sides in this Jessica Alba/ Bill O’Reilly feud if you want. We’ll just pray that they have a fistfight that culminates in them both toppling over a cliff-edge onto some jagged rocks.

If you ever wondered how Bill O’Reilly would fill his time now that he doesn’t have a Republican president to blindly splutter illogical defences for all the time, now you know. In the absence of George Bush, Bill O’Reilly has looked down on the world and – quite rightly, we think – chosen the next subject worthy of his screaming outrage.

And that subject is this: pretty, yet obviously quite dim, actresses who stumble over technicalities of conflicts that took place 40 years before she was born. Phew – we don’t know about you, but we’ve lost count of number of sleepless nights we’ve racked up worrying if Jessica Alba fully understood the neutrality of certain European countries during World War II. But Bill O’Reilly’s on it. Relax, everyone.

This whole kerfuffle started when Jessica Alba told a reporter that Bill O’Reilly was an ‘a-hole’ and then started banging on about he should “be neutral… be Sweden.” Which, in turn, gave Bill O’Reilly the perfect opportunity to mock Jessica Alba for saying Sweden when she obviously meant Switzerland.

Well, Jessica Alba isn’t going to take this lying down. And that’s why she’s jumped on her computer, utilised the Microsoft Word Synonyms tool far more than is natural or healthy, and written a big long lot of self-justification. Look:

I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country’s history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O’Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people…it’s so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to.

Bill O’Reilly, you really are a massive dick. Look at what you’ve done. Everyone used to know what they got with Jessica Alba – pretty girl, grossly impractical motherhood ideals, a fierce dedication to the art of appearing almost but not quite completely naked in her terrible movies – but now you’ve made her feel the need to assert her intelligence on all of us. Thanks a lot Bill, you gigantic wanker.

You know what this means? It means that Jessica Alba is going to start appearing in piss-weak indie films just because the word ‘Darfur’ crops in in the first two pages of the script. It means that interviews with Jessica Alba are going to be even more infuriatingly vapid than usual because she’ll spend 45 seconds trying to think of a long word when a short one would have done the exact same job. It means, Bill O’Reilly, that you’ve turned this…

Into this…

Yeah, nice one Bill. You utter, utter bellend. Now neither of you have come out of this one with your dignity intact. We only hope you’re happy.

Seriously, try this crap with Megan Fox and we’ll cut your twatting balls off.

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You know the 2009 Campari calender, the one where Jessica Alba pouts and struts like the sexiest little Greek boy alive?

You know how your first instinct upon seeing the pictures – after wondering why Will Weaton had done such a sexually ambiguous photoshoot – was to marvel at Jessica Alba’s body and swear that if you ever had kids you’d sexily malnourish them too?

Well, relax – some before-and-after photos have appeared on the internet, showing that Jessica Alba was so heavily airbrushed for the shots that we suspect the original model was actually an overweight stubbly bloke in his fifties from Dagenham.

For all of Kate Winslet’s endless whining, airbrushing is now completely the norm when it comes to professional celebrity photography. And it’s just as well because, if people really looked like they did in the photoshoots, then Hollywood would be full of waxy-skinned aliens who look like they’d snap in half if you touched them and constantly wear the same warped, completely immobile facial expression.

And, you know, we’ve already got Nicole Kidman for that.

But for some reason the issue of airbrushing has popped up again, and it’s all thanks to Jessica Alba’s 2009 Campari calender. You may remember the media froth about Jessica Alba’s calender photos when they were released last week. This wasn’t just because Jessica Alba and Campari are such a perfect match – one is an iconic drink that everyone secretly thinks is disgusting and the other is a celebrated actress who has never made a good film – but because Jessica Alba looked tanned and slim and sexy even though she only had a baby about five minutes ago.

Seriously, it’s an accomplishment – would you want to see Lisa Marie Presley‘s post-baby swimsuit calender? No you wouldn’t, so Jessica Alba should be congratulated for her physique.

Or, to be slightly more accurate, whoever was in charge of airbrushing all the residual pregnancy wobbles off Jessica Alba’s body should be congratulated for her physique. As the LA Times reports, a set of before-and-after photos leaked onto the internet show just how much work was done on the snaps:

In the before shot, she’s slightly fuller around the hips and waist. In the after, she has a darker tan, narrower chin, less flesh on her thighs, less crinkles on the shorts, a way perkier and more defined bust and brighter makeup. Heck, even the pool water color has been popped to a deeper turquoise!

We’ve seen these before-and-after photos of Jessica Alba, and the level of digital manipulation is just shameless in some pictures. For instance, in one before shot Jessica Alba might look a little pale, somewhat drawn around the eyes and infinitesimally less skinny than usual, but she still gives off the impression of being an incredibly sexy, confident young mother.

But after the airbrushers had been to work, however, she’s barely recognisable – the size of her external fascia had been adjusted to W607mm/D495mm, someone had installed a manual control under her ashpan cover and she was clearly sporting an artificial burning coal effect. In retrospect, there’s a chance that we were actually looking at a picture of a Valor DGF special inset gas fire rather than the Jessica Alba Campari calender, but our point still stands.

Anyway, regardless of the level of airbrushing that may or may not have happened in the photoshoot, good for Jessica Alba. She’s shown that women can have it all – they can have a glamorous calender for Italian booze and a baby who can’t remember what its mother looks like because she’s panting away on a treadmill for 23 hours a day out of a genuine fear that her career’s over because people might fancy Megan Fox slightly more than her now. Jessica Alba, you’re like a champion of feminism or something.

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Things we’ve learnt today, number 14 – Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene.

She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.

At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.

Jessica Alba really couldn’t have picked a worse time to have her baby, could she? Usually when a female celebrity has a baby, their profile shoots up and everyone thinks they’re wonderful, but that hasn’t really happened with Jessica Alba.

The truth is that people don’t care too much about Jessica Alba’s baby because they’re all babied-out. Nicole Kidman had a baby and Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby and Angelina Jolie had two babies and so just even thinking about Jessica Alba’s baby makes people want to hurt themselves, to be honest. It makes them want to hurt themselves in the eyes.

However, although Jessica Alba is so bland that she can’t drum up attention towards her baby without falling back on the old sexy talk, young Honor Marie had a genius wheeze up her sleeve – she made sure that she was born with an adult male’s haircut.

Perfect – and with a USP like rampant man-hair, Jessica Alba managed to sell her baby photos to OK! magazine for a cool $1.5 million. The fact that Honor Marie was born looking like a model in a poster on the wall of a small-town British barbershop in the mid-1980s wasn’t really brought up in the accompanying interview, but we know. We all know.

Anyway, Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren told OK!:

“She looks like a girl version of me,” Cash says. “She has my nose, my eyebrows and my…” “Forehead and dimples,” Jessica finishes, adding, “She has my mouth when I was a baby. And my ears.” “Maybe Honor is a mixture,” Cash reconsiders. “I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I’d kill myself!”

What? Cash Warren would kill himself if his daughter looked like Jessica Alba? If she looked like his own famously beautiful wife? What an odd thing to say. Does that mean:

a) Cash Warren would kill himself because he thinks that Jessica Alba is really ugly?

b) Cash Warren would kill himself in advance so he wouldn’t have to deal with the boyfriends that a girl who looks like Jessica Alba would inevitably be swamped with? Or

c) Cash Warren would kill himself out of shame for finding his daughter attractive?

We genuinely don’t know, but it’s a weird quote to put in an interview accompanying the first public pictures of your child. Imagine in 20 years time when the family are reminiscing together: “Shall we look at your baby photos, Honor Marie?” “What, the ones in the magazine where Dad threatened suicide for no discernible reason? No, I’m OK without, ta.”

In fact, between that and the weird Roger The Dodger haircut that the stylist has decided to give Honor Marie, it might be a good idea if Jessica Alba put her copy of the magazine in the bottom of a drawer and just forgot about it forever.

Read more:

Jessica Alba’s Dream Baby – OK!

We’re not ones for spreading malicious lies about people, but we have received word that someone living amongst us is demonic and pure evil.

Hecklerspray strongly recommends that you get down to your nearest jewellery shop and buy up all the crosses you can buy. Or if you don’t have much cash, go down to your nearest church and see what you can pick up.

You see, it could be the end of the world as we know it. For years, Christians have battled against evil and told us that one day Satan will rise up to do battle with us all. This has finally happened as Jessica Alba has unmasked herself as the evil lord of the underworld. And she’s a girl, who’d have thought that? So repent now people! Or just give Jessica a biscuit. That’d probably do it as well.

But how could this be? Is Jessica Alba really the demonic figure that we all feared or laughed at during cameo appearances in South Park with his lover Saddam Hussein? We just thought that Jessica was another pretty young thing who sent everyone into a loved-up trance. Remember her in Sin City? It was a struggle getting out of the cinema after watching her jiggle around like a jelly with a vibrator inserted into it.

The only possible explanation we can come up with for her becoming an evil beast is her recent birth. You know, the one where it made her all icky and a bit heavier. Somehow, during the birth, something in the universe must have clicked and turned Jessica Alba in to the cruellest person alive.

Soon we expect her to have thousands of 666s tattooed across every available bit of her skin. She’ll also get a lot of work from crap horror director Rob Zombie as she stars in films where zombies and random evil creatures come to eat fluffy rabbits.

But don’t panic just yet! All is not lost! You see, Jessica Alba only tuens into the devil because of something about food. She told Now magazine:

“I used to be a just a coffee for breakfast, yogurt for lunch girl. Now I have to have something every couple of hours. I turn into Satan if I don’t eat.”

You heard the girl, fill her up with food! Raid your cupboards for anything that will fill her appetite. It doesn’t matter what, just do it! Prunes, creamed corn or even spam, she’ll guzzle it down like drunks do with kebabs.

Even Kofi Annan has a plan. He told hecklerspray:

“We are flying Jessica Alba to an island just off the coast of New York. There she will be tied down and fed round the clock by a team of people whose sole job is to shovel food down her gullet. Each day, vans will make collections around the world to pick up unwanted food or leftovers. These will be transported immediately to the island for her consumption. This epidemic is being taken more seriously than global warning, knife crime and the person who stole my hat.”

Phew! Panic over everyone, it seems the UN is here to save the day. We don’t have to worry about ourselves being sacrificed or the blood of our families being drunk for Jessica Alba’s pleasure.

Just in case Jessica Alba doesn’t get the food needed to keep her human, though, we’re off to see the local priest to see if he’ll give us a clean slate. Hopefully even he can forgive us about that time with the cucumber…

While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail.

Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

Remove the sexiness from Jessica Alba and you’re not left with much – maybe a set of untrimmed eyebrows and a staggeringly bad filmography at best. It’d be like Stephen Colbert waking up one morning and realising he wasn’t funny, or Kanye West waking up and realising he could deal with criticism in a sensible, even-handed manner. It just doesn’t bear thinking about.

But, according to Jessica Alba herself, that’s what being pregnant did to her. Before she got pregnant, Jessica Alba was so sexy that she could send legions of teenage boys into month-long masturbatathons just by casually dropping the subject of recreational sex into an interview.

But then, as soon as she got pregnant, Jessica Alba’s sexiness level dropped immediately, with boys only being able to spend two or three weeks abusing themselves to a freeze-frame of Into The Blue at a time, no matter how often she tried to lure them back by only talking about her massive boobies all the time.

However, now Jessica Alba has given birth to her daughter Honor Marie Warren, none of that matters any more. Sure, she may have experienced some bloating during the pregnancy, but the most important thing is that her baby exists, and the unconditional love between mother and daughter will be the most important relationship she ever has with anyone for the rest of her life.

So chances are Jessica Alba doesn’t even care that the baby made her pack on a tiny amount of weight, right Cosmopolitan magazine?

“I never felt less sexy,” Jessica Alba says of her own pregnancy. “I mean, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world … but I wanted to get rid of all the weight.”

Oh little Honor Marie Warren, what a life you’ll have. From the first time you’ll be accompanied home from school by a social worker because of your kindergarten art project ‘This is mommy crying because she says I made her fat once’ to the therapy bills you’ll rack up because Jessica Alba will somehow find a way to blame the theatrical failure of The Love Guru on all the hormones you were thumping through her body during filming, you’ll have a gifted existence. A gifted existence indeed.

From DietPixie – A massive 90% of blokes aged 15-40 would like to be more muscular, with the favourite body to covet being Brad Pitt’s.

His missus, Angelina Jolie, came second in the league table of ladies whose bodies they admired, with new mum Jessica Alba coming first.

Madonna and Britney: not so good.

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