Grab your magic wands and swords – let’s hear it for the hottest fantasy film babes.

In our latest excuse to trawl the internet looking for pictures of sexy women, we have decided to focus our attentions on the strange world of fantasy.

Now, admittedly, this could be misinterpreted as an excuse to scour the net for porn.  Type in the words ‘fantasy film’ or ‘fantasy babes’ into your search engine of choice and you certainly get some interesting responses. But you’ll be delighted to know we stayed professional throughout, kept our greedy eyes off the one ring and stuck rigidly to our magical quest.

After all, this was more ‘dwarf’ than ‘dwarf porn’. However, it did raise an important issue: what exactly is a fantasy movie? Well, it’s actually a very difficult question to answer. We all kind of know what a fantasy film is, but we all add different movies into the equation.

For example: our superhero movies considered fantasy? Would you add horror movies? What about Star Wars? Anyway, to try and help us with our task we looked up several definitions. The best we could come up with was this:

‘Fantasy films are films with fantastic themes, usually involving magic, supernatural events, make-believe creatures, or exotic fantasy worlds. The genre is considered to be distinct from science fiction film and horror film, although the genres do overlap.’

But even this seemed a bit vague. So we decided to come up with our own rules, which basically meant we ditched horror and superhero movies, and let you argue among yourselves over the results.

For example, we decided Star Trek was science fiction, while Star Wars was more fantasy – for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, and no anime or cartoons. These are our rules, OK?

Anyway, enjoy!

25. Cherie Lunghi (Guenevere)
Movie: Excalibur

A must-see film – and not just because Cherie Lunghi and Helen Mirren get undressed.

24. Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts)
Movie: King Kong

Beauty killed the beast, but she at least kept us awake through the first hour and half of the movie.

23. Kira (Olivia Newton-John)
Movie: Xanadu

OK, the boss asked us to put this in. He has a thing for Olivia.

22. Jessica (Jenny Agutter)
Movie: Logan’s Run

You have to love Jenny Agutter. She loses her clothes more times than Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton combined.

21. Princess Lyssa (Lysette Anthony)
Movie: Krull

Krull was a terrible film, but Lysette gave a stand out performance.

20. Winona Ryder (Kim)
Movie: Edward Scissorhands
Everyone’s favourite cleptomaniac.

19. Andromeda (Judi Bowker)
Movie: Clash of the Titans

Did she do anything else?

18. Sorsha (Joanne Whalley)
Movie: Willow

Brit actress was one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood at one point – then she married Val Kilmer. What a Whalley.

17. Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards)
Movie: Starship Troopers

16. River (Summer Glau)
Movie: Serenity

Whether it’s playing some kind of killing machine in Serenity or as a, err, killing machine in the Terminator series, Summer is a ray of sunshine.

15. Morena Baccarin
Movie: Serenity

One of the most attractive space whores ever.

14. Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)
Movie: The Fifth Element

It’s Milla time!

13. Maj. Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra)
Movie: Doomsday

The sexy British actress was the original Lara Croft model – need we say more?

12. Trinity (Carrie Ann-Moss)
Movie: Matrix trilogy

11. Princess Farah (Jane Seymour)
Movie: Sinbad and the Eye Of The Tiger

Jane Seymour about to get ravaged by a one-eyed monster.

10. Arwen (Liv Tyler)
Movies: Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Pointy ears or not – Liv is stunning.

9. Loana (Raquel Welch)
Movie: One Million Years BC

Welch’s blonde cavewoman certainly gave us the bone.

8. Gail (Rosario Dawson)
Movie: Sin City

Sin in the city with Rosario Dawson? Hell yeah!

6. Padme (Natalie Portman)
Movies: Star Wars prequels

OK, the films were pants, but at least we had something to look at apart from that abortion Jar Jar.

5. Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey)
Movie: 300

She really does rule.

4. Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox)
Movie: Transformers

What a fox.

3. Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)
Movies: Star Wars trilogy

Gold bikini. Don’t think we need to add anything more.

2. Barbarella (Jane Fonda)
Movie: Barbarella

How good is that pic?

1. Jessica Alba
Movie: Sin City

A clear winner.

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Good news! It looks like Jessica Alba has finally found her calling! Because lord knows it isn’t acting!

No, instead Jessica Alba has revealed her true talent to be political activism. Admittedly she’s rubbish at that too, and the extent of her activism seems to involve illegally pasting up a load of posters about shark awareness in a city that’s 500 miles away from the sea and then getting caught doing it, but – to reiterate – she’s still better at that than she is at acting.

Not that it matters – Jessica Alba won’t be charged. Another win for moderate physical attractiveness! Hooray!

Honestly Barack Obama, you’ve got a lot to answer for. Before you turned up, our celebrities were happy to be celebrities. They’d show up for work in an inappropriate frock, do six minutes of work, get paid $400 million for it and then get drunk and punch a photographer in the face on the way home. Maybe they’d mumble the word ‘Darfur’ under their breath every couple of months, but only because they heard George Clooney do it once so they assumed that Darfur was a hot young fashion designer. And that’s the way we liked it.

But now? Now, because they managed to pull a sad face while saying the word ‘landmine’ in a black and white two-minute internet election video a year ago, all the celebrities seem to consider themselves to be all-powerful political mavens. Just look at Jessica Alba, for instance – the poor girl’s clearly as dumb as a box of sand, but because she endorsed Barack Obama in the last election and he ended up winning, she’s gone crazy with power.

And that explains why Jessica Alba has decided to take her unique brand of geographically-confused political activism to the streets. Which would be fine, except for the following things.

1 – Jessica Alba’s political activism apparently involved illegal flyposting.

2 – We know this because Jessica Alba then posed for photos next to the posters, and the photos appeared on the internet.

3 - Jessica Alba reportedly broke the law like this to raise awareness of the declining number of great white sharks – the big fishy human-eating dead-eyed bastards so universally disliked by everything else on the face of the Earth that someone once made a film about one getting its jawbone exploded off with a hand grenade and nobody even minded.

4 - Jessica Alba did this in Oklahoma City, a city so far away from the sea that it may as well be on the bastard moon.

But still, despite this it’s been revealed that Jessica Alba won’t be charged for her part in the flyposting campaign, as Parade reveals:

Police in Oklahoma City have decided against charging actress Jessica Alba with vandalism for her part in a campaign that left parts of the city covered with posters. Owners of the property on which the posters were placed did not want to press charges.  Last week, Alba apologized to Oklahoma City residents. “I got involved in something I should have had no part of.”

So all’s well that ends well. Thanks to all of this faff, everybody now knows that there are less sharks in the sea that there once were, that Oklahoma City residents have a lax attitude to pressing charges against flyposters and Jessica Alba is now apologising for things she should have had no part in – which means we can now expect similar apologies for Good Luck Chuck, The Fantastic Four, The Ring Eye, The Fantastic Four 2, Awake and The Love Guru.

Jessica, your conscience demands it.

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With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect.

How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?

Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.

Click here to launch the gallery

24 – Gisele

Fancy a ride?

23 – Kim Kardashian

Have you seen that sex tape?

22 – Vanessa Hudgens

Almost makes watching High School Musical worthwhile. No, what are we thinking? She doesn’t.

21 – Marissa Miller

A Sports Illustrated bikini model.

20 – Britney Spears

OK, so she’s nuts, but she used to be quite hot.

19 – Keeley Hazell

We can think of two reasons for her inclusion here.

18 – Hayden Panittiere

17 – Halle Berry

16 – Natalie Portman

The only reason anyone watched the Star Wars prequels.

15 – Shakira

Sexy, just don’t confuse her humble breasts for mountains.

14 – Evangeline Lilly

13 – Tricia Helfer

The sexiest toaster we’ve ever seen.

12 – Adriana Lima

We are just nuts about this Brazilian.

11 – Beyonce

That Jay-Z is a lucky chap.

10 – Scarlett Johannson

Seems like everyone’s got Scarlett fever.

9 – Elisha Cuthert

Back in 24, but is it better? No.

8 – Melissa Theuriau

Looks, she can even make earthquakes sexy.

7 – Allesandra Ambrosio

Ambrosio? Doesn’t that mean ‘food of the Gods’?

6 – Lena Heady

Makes us proud to be British.

5 – Megan Fox

What a, ahem, fox.

4 – Jessica Biel

Easy virtues? We wish.

3 – Tina Fey

Brains, beauty and funny. Perfect… almost.

2 – Angelina Jolie

Two words – grey wetsuit.

1 – Jessica Alba

We think we’re in love.

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And now we can add a third – Jessica Alba is also a genius. No, really, she is. Recently, unbearable gasbag Bill O’Reilly mocked Jessica Alba for saying that Sweden was a neutral wartime country. And now Jessica has hit back at Bill with all sorts of long words she almost certainly doesn’t understand..

Pick sides in this Jessica Alba/ Bill O’Reilly feud if you want. We’ll just pray that they have a fistfight that culminates in them both toppling over a cliff-edge onto some jagged rocks.

If you ever wondered how Bill O’Reilly would fill his time now that he doesn’t have a Republican president to blindly splutter illogical defences for all the time, now you know. In the absence of George Bush, Bill O’Reilly has looked down on the world and – quite rightly, we think – chosen the next subject worthy of his screaming outrage.

And that subject is this: pretty, yet obviously quite dim, actresses who stumble over technicalities of conflicts that took place 40 years before she was born. Phew – we don’t know about you, but we’ve lost count of number of sleepless nights we’ve racked up worrying if Jessica Alba fully understood the neutrality of certain European countries during World War II. But Bill O’Reilly’s on it. Relax, everyone.

This whole kerfuffle started when Jessica Alba told a reporter that Bill O’Reilly was an ‘a-hole’ and then started banging on about he should “be neutral… be Sweden.” Which, in turn, gave Bill O’Reilly the perfect opportunity to mock Jessica Alba for saying Sweden when she obviously meant Switzerland.

Well, Jessica Alba isn’t going to take this lying down. And that’s why she’s jumped on her computer, utilised the Microsoft Word Synonyms tool far more than is natural or healthy, and written a big long lot of self-justification. Look:

I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country’s history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O’Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people…it’s so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to.

Bill O’Reilly, you really are a massive dick. Look at what you’ve done. Everyone used to know what they got with Jessica Alba – pretty girl, grossly impractical motherhood ideals, a fierce dedication to the art of appearing almost but not quite completely naked in her terrible movies – but now you’ve made her feel the need to assert her intelligence on all of us. Thanks a lot Bill, you gigantic wanker.

You know what this means? It means that Jessica Alba is going to start appearing in piss-weak indie films just because the word ‘Darfur’ crops in in the first two pages of the script. It means that interviews with Jessica Alba are going to be even more infuriatingly vapid than usual because she’ll spend 45 seconds trying to think of a long word when a short one would have done the exact same job. It means, Bill O’Reilly, that you’ve turned this…

Into this…

Yeah, nice one Bill. You utter, utter bellend. Now neither of you have come out of this one with your dignity intact. We only hope you’re happy.

Seriously, try this crap with Megan Fox and we’ll cut your twatting balls off.

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You know how your first instinct upon seeing the pictures – after wondering why Will Weaton had done such a sexually ambiguous photoshoot – was to marvel at Jessica Alba’s body and swear that if you ever had kids you’d sexily malnourish them too?

Well, relax – some before-and-after photos have appeared on the internet, showing that Jessica Alba was so heavily airbrushed for the shots that we suspect the original model was actually an overweight stubbly bloke in his fifties from Dagenham.

For all of Kate Winslet’s endless whining, airbrushing is now completely the norm when it comes to professional celebrity photography. And it’s just as well because, if people really looked like they did in the photoshoots, then Hollywood would be full of waxy-skinned aliens who look like they’d snap in half if you touched them and constantly wear the same warped, completely immobile facial expression.

And, you know, we’ve already got Nicole Kidman for that.

But for some reason the issue of airbrushing has popped up again, and it’s all thanks to Jessica Alba’s 2009 Campari calender. You may remember the media froth about Jessica Alba’s calender photos when they were released last week. This wasn’t just because Jessica Alba and Campari are such a perfect match – one is an iconic drink that everyone secretly thinks is disgusting and the other is a celebrated actress who has never made a good film – but because Jessica Alba looked tanned and slim and sexy even though she only had a baby about five minutes ago.

Seriously, it’s an accomplishment – would you want to see Lisa Marie Presley’s post-baby swimsuit calender? No you wouldn’t, so Jessica Alba should be congratulated for her physique.

Or, to be slightly more accurate, whoever was in charge of airbrushing all the residual pregnancy wobbles off Jessica Alba’s body should be congratulated for her physique. As the LA Times reports, a set of before-and-after photos leaked onto the internet show just how much work was done on the snaps:

In the before shot, she’s slightly fuller around the hips and waist. In the after, she has a darker tan, narrower chin, less flesh on her thighs, less crinkles on the shorts, a way perkier and more defined bust and brighter makeup. Heck, even the pool water color has been popped to a deeper turquoise!

We’ve seen these before-and-after photos of Jessica Alba, and the level of digital manipulation is just shameless in some pictures. For instance, in one before shot Jessica Alba might look a little pale, somewhat drawn around the eyes and infinitesimally less skinny than usual, but she still gives off the impression of being an incredibly sexy, confident young mother.

But after the airbrushers had been to work, however, she’s barely recognisable – the size of her external fascia had been adjusted to W607mm/D495mm, someone had installed a manual control under her ashpan cover and she was clearly sporting an artificial burning coal effect. In retrospect, there’s a chance that we were actually looking at a picture of a Valor DGF special inset gas fire rather than the Jessica Alba Campari calender, but our point still stands.

Anyway, regardless of the level of airbrushing that may or may not have happened in the photoshoot, good for Jessica Alba. She’s shown that women can have it all – they can have a glamorous calender for Italian booze and a baby who can’t remember what its mother looks like because she’s panting away on a treadmill for 23 hours a day out of a genuine fear that her career’s over because people might fancy Megan Fox slightly more than her now. Jessica Alba, you’re like a champion of feminism or something.

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She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.

At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.

Jessica Alba really couldn’t have picked a worse time to have her baby, could she? Usually when a female celebrity has a baby, their profile shoots up and everyone thinks they’re wonderful, but that hasn’t really happened with Jessica Alba.

The truth is that people don’t care too much about Jessica Alba’s baby because they’re all babied-out. Nicole Kidman had a baby and Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby and Angelina Jolie had two babies and so just even thinking about Jessica Alba’s baby makes people want to hurt themselves, to be honest. It makes them want to hurt themselves in the eyes.

However, although Jessica Alba is so bland that she can’t drum up attention towards her baby without falling back on the old sexy talk, young Honor Marie had a genius wheeze up her sleeve – she made sure that she was born with an adult male’s haircut.

Perfect – and with a USP like rampant man-hair, Jessica Alba managed to sell her baby photos to OK! magazine for a cool $1.5 million. The fact that Honor Marie was born looking like a model in a poster on the wall of a small-town British barbershop in the mid-1980s wasn’t really brought up in the accompanying interview, but we know. We all know.

Anyway, Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren told OK!:

“She looks like a girl version of me,” Cash says. “She has my nose, my eyebrows and my…” “Forehead and dimples,” Jessica finishes, adding, “She has my mouth when I was a baby. And my ears.” “Maybe Honor is a mixture,” Cash reconsiders. “I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I’d kill myself!”

What? Cash Warren would kill himself if his daughter looked like Jessica Alba? If she looked like his own famously beautiful wife? What an odd thing to say. Does that mean:

a) Cash Warren would kill himself because he thinks that Jessica Alba is really ugly?

b) Cash Warren would kill himself in advance so he wouldn’t have to deal with the boyfriends that a girl who looks like Jessica Alba would inevitably be swamped with? Or

c) Cash Warren would kill himself out of shame for finding his daughter attractive?

We genuinely don’t know, but it’s a weird quote to put in an interview accompanying the first public pictures of your child. Imagine in 20 years time when the family are reminiscing together: “Shall we look at your baby photos, Honor Marie?” “What, the ones in the magazine where Dad threatened suicide for no discernible reason? No, I’m OK without, ta.”

In fact, between that and the weird Roger The Dodger haircut that the stylist has decided to give Honor Marie, it might be a good idea if Jessica Alba put her copy of the magazine in the bottom of a drawer and just forgot about it forever.

Read more:

Jessica Alba’s Dream Baby – OK!

Hecklerspray strongly recommends that you get down to your nearest jewellery shop and buy up all the crosses you can buy. Or if you don’t have much cash, go down to your nearest church and see what you can pick up.

You see, it could be the end of the world as we know it. For years, Christians have battled against evil and told us that one day Satan will rise up to do battle with us all. This has finally happened as Jessica Alba has unmasked herself as the evil lord of the underworld. And she’s a girl, who’d have thought that? So repent now people! Or just give Jessica a biscuit. That’d probably do it as well.

But how could this be? Is Jessica Alba really the demonic figure that we all feared or laughed at during cameo appearances in South Park with his lover Saddam Hussein? We just thought that Jessica was another pretty young thing who sent everyone into a loved-up trance. Remember her in Sin City? It was a struggle getting out of the cinema after watching her jiggle around like a jelly with a vibrator inserted into it.

The only possible explanation we can come up with for her becoming an evil beast is her recent birth. You know, the one where it made her all icky and a bit heavier. Somehow, during the birth, something in the universe must have clicked and turned Jessica Alba in to the cruellest person alive.

Soon we expect her to have thousands of 666s tattooed across every available bit of her skin. She’ll also get a lot of work from crap horror director Rob Zombie as she stars in films where zombies and random evil creatures come to eat fluffy rabbits.

But don’t panic just yet! All is not lost! You see, Jessica Alba only tuens into the devil because of something about food. She told Now magazine:

“I used to be a just a coffee for breakfast, yogurt for lunch girl. Now I have to have something every couple of hours. I turn into Satan if I don’t eat.”

You heard the girl, fill her up with food! Raid your cupboards for anything that will fill her appetite. It doesn’t matter what, just do it! Prunes, creamed corn or even spam, she’ll guzzle it down like drunks do with kebabs.

Even Kofi Annan has a plan. He told hecklerspray:

“We are flying Jessica Alba to an island just off the coast of New York. There she will be tied down and fed round the clock by a team of people whose sole job is to shovel food down her gullet. Each day, vans will make collections around the world to pick up unwanted food or leftovers. These will be transported immediately to the island for her consumption. This epidemic is being taken more seriously than global warning, knife crime and the person who stole my hat.”

Phew! Panic over everyone, it seems the UN is here to save the day. We don’t have to worry about ourselves being sacrificed or the blood of our families being drunk for Jessica Alba’s pleasure.

Just in case Jessica Alba doesn’t get the food needed to keep her human, though, we’re off to see the local priest to see if he’ll give us a clean slate. Hopefully even he can forgive us about that time with the cucumber…

Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

Remove the sexiness from Jessica Alba and you’re not left with much – maybe a set of untrimmed eyebrows and a staggeringly bad filmography at best. It’d be like Stephen Colbert waking up one morning and realising he wasn’t funny, or Kanye West waking up and realising he could deal with criticism in a sensible, even-handed manner. It just doesn’t bear thinking about.

But, according to Jessica Alba herself, that’s what being pregnant did to her. Before she got pregnant, Jessica Alba was so sexy that she could send legions of teenage boys into month-long masturbatathons just by casually dropping the subject of recreational sex into an interview.

But then, as soon as she got pregnant, Jessica Alba’s sexiness level dropped immediately, with boys only being able to spend two or three weeks abusing themselves to a freeze-frame of Into The Blue at a time, no matter how often she tried to lure them back by only talking about her massive boobies all the time.

However, now Jessica Alba has given birth to her daughter Honor Marie Warren, none of that matters any more. Sure, she may have experienced some bloating during the pregnancy, but the most important thing is that her baby exists, and the unconditional love between mother and daughter will be the most important relationship she ever has with anyone for the rest of her life.

So chances are Jessica Alba doesn’t even care that the baby made her pack on a tiny amount of weight, right Cosmopolitan magazine?

“I never felt less sexy,” Jessica Alba says of her own pregnancy. “I mean, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world … but I wanted to get rid of all the weight.”

Oh little Honor Marie Warren, what a life you’ll have. From the first time you’ll be accompanied home from school by a social worker because of your kindergarten art project ‘This is mommy crying because she says I made her fat once’ to the therapy bills you’ll rack up because Jessica Alba will somehow find a way to blame the theatrical failure of The Love Guru on all the hormones you were thumping through her body during filming, you’ll have a gifted existence. A gifted existence indeed.

His missus, Angelina Jolie, came second in the league table of ladies whose bodies they admired, with new mum Jessica Alba coming first.

Madonna and Britney: not so good.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

But this has to be the worst case of copycat behaviour we’ve ever seen.

Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills 90210 and… errm… some shit reality TV show fame, has gone and got herself one of those baby things in what experts are calling ‘clearly a rip off of Jessica Alba‘. The brazen attempt to hoard some publicity is sure to backfire as members of the public lash out at Tori and her derivative behaviour.

“Get some originality!” they may cry, “everyone’s having kids now! You’re copying lovely Jessica!”

But Spelling, with her many years in the limelight – or, more accurately half-in, half-out of the limelight – knows exactly how to react to her ‘your baby is a cynical ploy’ critics. She used the power of words:

“I’ve always wanted a little girl since I’m such a girly girly.”

But the wily veteran knows this wouldn’t be enough to shut the fools up, so she went on when talking to People Magazine:

“I immediately started crying. I couldn’t believe it. I have my beautiful little boy and now I’ll have my little girl! It’s amazing.”

Tori knows full well that an outpouring of emotion is something that even the harshest of critics will falter at – the sheer joy surrounding the birthing of a new life into this world is one that only utter bastards could be scornful of. Like hecklerspray, for example.

But such a blatant rip-off of another celeb’s actions has managed to reap dividends for the washed-up ’star’, who is set to star in the re-imagining of 90210. Or reinvention. Or whatever bullshit buzz word they want to use to make it sound as if it’s a good thing that no one in any realm of television or the movies seems to have an ounce of genuine creativity about them.

But at least Tori didn’t completely copy Jessica and saddle her child with a future psychological problem (commonly referred to as ‘a stupid name’), calling her a living cry for attention Stella Doreen. Granted, Doreen is stupid, but Stella is fine. Probably as it makes us think of beer.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Honor Marie Warren was probably called Honor because Jessica Alba and Cash Warren felt honored by having her, just as Cash Warren was named by his parents who felt a tight financial burden by having him. His parents were more accurate.

When Honor grows up, every time a boy kisses her they will no doubt follow it up by saying “what an honor”.

It won’t be confined to just boys either. Throughout her life, whenever she does a favor for anyone, or when anyone does a favor for her, someone will say “it’s been an honor” and then laugh.

At the age of about six, Honor will be asking God why her parents gave her such a rubbish name.

This will evolve into a deep psychological problem by the time she reaches adolescence and, if she isn’t fortunate enough to have inherited her mother’s gluteal genes as compensation, she will probably be reaching for the medicine cabinet before she makes her 20s.

It all happened on Saturday, June 7 in Los Angeles. Her representative, Brad Cafarelli, confirmed so to People magazine.

Jessica Alba was recently interviewed by Fit Pregnancy. When asked what kind of a mother she’d like to be, she said:

I don’t want to be my child’s best friend. I want to be a mom, But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it’s going to be about treading that line.

And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.

So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.

We’ve always been jealous of those children who can count backwards from their birthday and only get three or four months in before they get to their parents’ wedding anniversary. Because nothing says ‘I love you’ more than the nagging sense that your parents never really loved each other and only got married to appease their own guilt and that they both secretly resent you for it.

That’s something Little Baby Alba will come to experience in time, because now that Jessica Alba is heavily pregnant, her boyfriend Cash Warren has decided to get married to her.

Apparently Jessica and Cash got married in Beverly Hills on Monday and – following the new regulations stating that celebrities must make their weddings seem far more important than they actually are by not telling anyone first – it was all done in secret. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren tied the legal knot yesterday (Monday) in the Beverly Hills courthouse, saying their “I do’s” under an white trellis arch entwined with green and white fake flowers. Jessica wore a long blue dress, with her hair in a ponytail. Cash wore a white shirt and brown pants. They applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the processing before a staff member married them.

Ah, the enchanting beaurocracy of it all. We’re misting up just thinking about it. Still, just because Jessica Alba dumped Cash Warren once before she got pregnant and several times afterwards, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t meant to be together. Unless it does. It probably does in hindsight, actually. Whoops.

Anyway, figuring out that her parents probably just got married because of nothing more than an outmoded sense of guilt won’t be too much of an issue for Unborn Alba Female Number One to deal with. That’ll actually be third on her list of neuroses after the fact that her mother only communicates with her in garbled kindergarten Spanish and the deep shame she’ll feel once she’s figured out that at least one of her parents was directly responsible for Good Luck Chuck.

We wouldn’t like to be her when that kicks in.

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Jessica Alba and Cash Warren’s no-frills wedding ceremony - LAT

That's not to say that she didn't do a good job initially – in the early stages Jessica Alba all but demanded that everyone in the vicinity had to gawp at her massive new boobs for hours on end. But then that was followed by a confusing mid-section where Jessica Alba revealed that she kept chucking her boyfriend out. That's a sort of fiery thing to do, and fiery can sometimes be a little bit sexy, so we all went along with it.

And now? Now Jessica Alba has announced that, um, she's only going to talk Spanish to her new baby. Which is… well, it's crap, let's not beat around the bush.

Poor old Jessica Alba. Thanks to Jennifer Lopez's stupendous pregnancy, she's been relegated all over town. She hasn't got the biggest bump, she's not the most famous pregnant Latino, she's not even the most famous pregnant mother whose name begins with the letter J.  

But, as we've already maintained, what Jessica Alba has got is a giant gob that she's unable to keep quiet. On and on, she goes, yapping away about every single detail of her pregnancy from how much she likes it to how big her tits have got to how much of a demented hormone monster it's turned her into. On and on and on. At least we can turn Jessica Alba off – her unborn baby must be doing its nut.

But, hey, Jessica Alba's unborn baby had better learn to appreciate all the English it hears coming out of her mouth, because Jessica Alba has pledged to only speak Spanish to it from the second it emerges from her body. And it's all because Jessica Alba hates her dad. Or something. IOL reports:

Jessica Alba will speak nothing but Spanish when her baby is born later this year because she regretted not picking up the language of her grandparents when she was a child. "I wish to God that my dad spoke Spanish to my brother and me, but he didn't grow up with it. Hopefully I can pick it up because I want my kids to speak Spanish. I don't even want them to speak English for maybe the first two to three years, until pre-school. We're in the United States so they're going to learn it anyway." 

What a selfless thing for Jessica Alba to commit herself to do. But it won't be easy, only talking to a child in a second language. That's why we here at hecklerspray have decided to help Jessica Alba out with a few choice Spanish phrases she'll need as a mother, starting from her labour:

• Obtener esta maldita rata mal fuera de mi cuerpo – Get this fucking evil rat out of my body.

• Deje de llorar, por el amor de dios que usted acaba de dejar de llorar por un segundo – Stop crying, for the love of god would you stop crying just for a second.

• Yo solía ser tan bonita – I used to be so pretty.

• Juro a Dios, si no que este jodido alimentos en su boca follando estoy poniendo el pie en la eliminación de desechos - I swear to god, if you don't put this fucking food in your fucking mouth I'm putting your foot in the garbage disposal.

• Lamento que cada vez que ridículo 'sólo español' promesa a usted – I regret ever making that ridiculous 'Spanish only' promise to you.

Read and repeat, Jessica, read and repeat

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Alba will only speak Spanish to baby - IOL 

How wrong we were – it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.

At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest – if we'd let a man called Cash knock us up we'd be pretty bloody livid too.

Smart girl, Jessica Alba. She knows that she can't be the only pregnant celebrity on the scene, or – thanks to Halle Berry – the most ridiculously swollen pregnant celebrity. But Jessica Alba can be the most needlessly talkative pregnant celebrity.

Even though she's only been pregnant for about five minutes, Jessica Alba has announced her pregnancy, declared how much she enjoys being pregnant, expressed her fear of breastfeeding and remarked on what lovely big boobies she's got. And now it's time for Jessica Alba to explain her hormonal rage in forensic detail.

Jessica Alba, you see, has kicked her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house twice now. AHN reports:

"I think I threw him out of the house twice already since I've been pregnant. He's like, 'Are you just pregnant? I hope you're just pregnant and acting crazy,' and I'm like, 'It has nothing to do with that.' Little things make me so mad. He calls five minutes later than he said he was going to. You get so emotional when you're pregnant, and so irrational. It's totally dumb."

But while it's easy to put her dysfunctional behaviour down to a surge of pregnancy hormones, Jessica Alba might be affording it a bit too much of the blame. Because this whole 'kicking out and getting back together' thing isn't limited to her pregnancy – Jessica Alba dumped Cash Warren a month or two before he knocked her up. At this rate we'll be surprised if they even lasted until Easter.

But forget that, because Jessica Alba is barrelling through the pregnancy side-effect list so quickly that she's going to run out of stuff to blab about by the time she finally gives birth. So what next? An interview dedicated solely to all the haemorrhoids that have started jutting out of her anus? A press conference about the exact dimensions of poo that got evacuated in the last stage of labour?

Well, this is Jessica Alba we're talking about, so yes. Both of those things.

Read more:

Jessica Alba Admits To Kicking Boyfriend Out Of House – AHN 

And while the pregnancy means that they won't get to see Jessica Alba running around in her skimpies on film for a while, Jessica has thrown them a proverbial bone by talking at length about how big and squashy her newly-engorged boobs are. 

Teenagers, don't wank yourself into a blistered stump just yet – you haven't exactly heard what Jessica Alba has to say yet.

It's hard not to feel sorry for Jessica Alba sometimes. All she wants is to stand out from the crowd but the crowd won't let her. After all, it's not like she's the only pretty, almost-nude girl in Hollywood who churns out films so bad it seems like she's punishing us all for something.

But then Jessica Alba got pregnant – something that finally set her apart from her peers. And then what happened? Every single one of her peers got pregnant, that's what. Now Jessica Alba is back at square one again, having to compete for attention among the likes of Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry and – just to really rub it in – old square-jaw from 24.

So if you were Jessica Alba, what would your next move be? You're right – you'd start banging on about your tits like a woman possessed.

And although Jessica Alba has hinted at her boobies in the past, now it's time for her to describe exactly how massive and round and wobbly and, well, booby her boobies are getting. The Sun reports:

Jessica – who will have her first child with fiance Cash Warren in the spring – said : "I was like: 'Wow, where did these breasts come from?' It was instant. It was great, they're nice, but shocking."

And that's not all – just the other week Jessica Alba was loudly proclaiming that it won't be long until she's got a young mouth clamped to her huge, traffic-stopping, see-them-from-the-moon, marshmallowy boobies:

“Breast-feeding is kind of like the only thing I have been paranoid about – more than giving birth.”

Listen here Jessica Alba – stop it. Stop talking about your boobies. Yes, we know they're gigantic, but we're starting to get the impression that you could somehow manage to shoehorn a reference to your knockers into a serious discussion about international trade deficit, and it's getting old. Enough is enough. Leave your boobies alone.

It'll just make the lecture on how badly the birth messed up your vagina seem less important.

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'Pregnancy boobs are best' – The Sun