Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.
Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.
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Women! Famous ones! Women about to ruin their lives by introducing more children to this cripplingly awful planet! HURRAY! We have started knitting tiny woollen shoes and cutting a high leg to make attractive tanga brief nappies for the discerning celeb sprog.
And in great news for punners and headline writers, Hilary Duff is pregnant on the year anniversary of her marriage to some pointless athlete or other.
Elsewhere, Jessica Alba has a baby, which means that we can rehash our jokes about cheap Alba stereo units that people used to buy, which most of you will have never heard of because you’re all ironic, middle-class shitheads who had everything they ever wanted, not that it stopped you from writing maudlin poetry, crying on your driving holiday to France.
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Do you like looking at Jessica Alba? Do you think she’s a very attractive woman but would look much better with no clothes on, writhing around on a bed and panting like a dog locked in a car on a sunny day?
Well, chances are, you’ve been a bit frustrated with chunks of Alba’s career as she’s shown herself to be a bit of a prude. Not too much, but y’know, a bit.
And so, if you went to the cinema to watch Machete in the hope of loads of filth, smut and sex, the reason you were left half-cocked is because Alba made the director take out loads of sex scenes that were written into the script for her character. Read More >>>
Jessica Alba is a constant on pointless Top 100 Women That Other Humans Masturbate Over Pictures Of lists. Her genes are doing something right. Right? Wrong. That’s because Jessica Alba is so horrific to look at that the Earth itself has grown a mouth, just so it can do a little sick in it.
That’s according to her anyway.
Yep, Jessica Alba thinks that she’s one of the least attractive actresses in the film industry. That’s right. Less-attractive than Kathy Burke. Read More >>>
The Killer Inside Me, the latest genre excursion from filmmaker Michael Winterbottom, opens with a huge red herring. A jaunty, stylish credits sequence ushers the film in to the tune of Little Willie John’s version of ‘Fever’. ‘Fever”s a bit of an aural signpost.
Putting it over the opening credits of a film is like saying “What follows will be sexy. You will basically be able to smell it”.
The fact that The Killer Inside Me won’t give you a fever that’s hard to bear, however, is the least of its problems. Read More >>>
There’s no doubt that comic book movies have included some of the hottest actresses around.
It only makes sense. I mean, if you were creating a comic book story, wouldn’t you draw the hottest women you could think of?
So, obviously, when it comes to turning these scribbles into real people for Movieland, you really have to find the cream. And, for the most part, the studios get it right. So much so, that crunching them down into just 26 was one of the hardest tasks we have ever done.
But it was worth every minute. Enjoy.
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Grab your magic wands and swords – let’s hear it for the hottest fantasy film babes.
In our latest excuse to trawl the internet looking for pictures of sexy women, we have decided to focus our attentions on the strange world of fantasy.
Now, admittedly, this could be misinterpreted as an excuse to scour the net for porn. Type in the words ‘fantasy film’ or ‘fantasy babes’ into your search engine of choice and you certainly get some interesting responses. But you’ll be delighted to know we stayed professional throughout, kept our greedy eyes off the one ring and stuck rigidly to our magical quest. Read More >>>
Good news! It looks like Jessica Alba has finally found her calling! Because lord knows it isn’t acting!
No, instead Jessica Alba has revealed her true talent to be political activism. Admittedly she’s rubbish at that too, and the extent of her activism seems to involve illegally pasting up a load of posters about shark awareness in a city that’s 500 miles away from the sea and then getting caught doing it, but – to reiterate – she’s still better at that than she is at acting.
Not that it matters – Jessica Alba won’t be charged. Another win for moderate physical attractiveness! Hooray!
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