Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.

There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.

Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.

No one’s ever really at fault when a marriage breaks down. Apparently. So Jesse has spent the last 12 months writing and promoting a book about cheating on and humiliating an Oscar winner for any other bastards who want to do the same.

Asked by a journalist whether he’d entirely emotionally moved on and detached from cheating on Sandra, Jesse responded simply, ‘Yeah, I’m cool.’ He’s ‘Cool’ with moving on from Nazi strippers and a burning sensation when he pees.

Oh, good.

Probed further, as to whether his life fell apart after the scandal or whether he was ever heckled by passersby, he replied that everyone loved him. Like, everyone. Only we in the media mocked him because we are, apparently, the only ones with any perspective. ‘I never got one negative comment. Not from anyone,’ insisted Jesse. ‘The only people that said negative stuff to me were paparazzi and they were like being paid to do that.’

We’re the only people who’re habitually pointing and laughing at his goober face, whiny voice, and thin excuses for philandering. We need our own book tour where we can promote Team Hecklerspray and blame our readers for the crotch rot and constant itching in tender places.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is currently having an affair behind the backs of the many ‘spray writers she’s told she’ll marry, the heartless sow.

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Sometimes hecklerspray likes to sit back and imagine up a perfect girl for us. She’s got boneless noodle arms & the body of a female Ghengis Khan. We haven’t found her yet, but we’re patient.

And lonely.

Jesse James definitely has a type too – and until recently we thought that type was ‘Adopted a very large African-American football player.’ But no, that’s not his type. His type is so covered in tattoos that you can only determine ethnicity by seeing a picture of her parents. Lucky for him, then, that Kat von D is back on the market.

When love’s truest arrow strikes, one can nought but heed it’s call. That’s why for most of tenth grade we dated a rhesus monkey. We fell in love at a carnival during a ring toss – and let the world be damned! Our parents didn’t understand – but they didn’t have to. All they needed to know was that bananas were cheaper in bulk, and hecklerspray was more flea-free than we had ever been.

True love has done a drive by on Jesse James more times than we can count. In fact, perhaps it’s fair to say he’s smitten by it every time he sees a really gross Nazi whore.

Really, that’s probably not fair to say. But we can say the man has a new lady friend – a famous one. Not Sandra Bullock famous, mind you, but famous none the less. It’s a tattooed lady named Kat von D, but the tats have got nothing to do with it. According to von D:

“Just because I have tattoos doesn’t mean, ‘Oh, you guys are a perfect match. I think that I’m his type on a different level than people would assume.”

We know we said she was famous up there, but we’re still not sure why. We think she may be the voice of Grover or something. Or she’s on some reality show that relays how perfectly normal, mentally healthy human beings can cover themselves in tattoos and it’s got nothing to do with Daddy’s unrequited love.

Now in getting back to our sweet, sweet noodle-armed lady, if any of you know one, pass it on won’t you. And fast too – we need half-noodle-armed babies for a weird tax loop hole.

If we get one before the end of 2011 we’ll save dozens of dollars.

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See, Jesse James? See? You’re not the only one who parade around like a gigantic strumpet.

Your estranged wife Sandra Bullock is just as capable. In fact, she’s even better at it than you are. Why? Because you only managed to hook up with a Nazi fetishist who was covered in so many tattoos that she looked like she’d fallen asleep under a pile of damp newspapers. But Sandra Bullock? She just kissed Scarlett Johansson. On the lips. On television. Really briefly.

The Sandra Bullock/ Scarlett Johansson kiss happened at the MTV Movie Awards, and it was largely the sexiest thing to happen all night. But, hey, when hasn’t the sight of a 45-year-old woman kissing a 25-year-old woman to make up for her husband’s multiple heartbreaking infidelities been sexy? No? Just us?

Just because you haven’t seen Sandra Bullock around for a few months doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been keeping busy. She’s been doing loads of stuff, really. There was that kid she adopted, for starters. And she’s probably been working on all kinds of film projects as well. And, oh yeah, crying. Lots of crying, as is probably to be expected when your husband gets caught having it away with a tattoo model in a Nazi hat called Bombshell. Or, if not crying, whatever the closest alternative to crying is when your face looks as if it’s been rendered almost fully immobile by surgery.

But at last night’s MTV Movie Awards, Sandra Bullock got to put all of that behind her by making her first public appearance since the Oscars and using it as an excuse to get off with Scarlett Johansson. MTV reports:

“I’m here because Ryan couldn’t be here, and I wanted to be here when you accepted your award for Best Kiss,” Scarlett said. After Sandra informed her they hadn’t won, ScarJo replied that she thought they should have won because it “was sweet and looked really soft.” And with that, the two began inching ever closer to each other until they—you got it!—kissed.

You see? Sandra Bullock can still be an aspirational figure. Now millions of horny teenagers around the world will make sure they’ll marry a butch mechanic in the hope that they’ll one day break their heart by cheating on them with a funny-looking tattoo model, because only then will they get to have an awkward two-second kiss with Scarlett Johansson. Keep living the dream, Sandra.

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Everybody has more or less moved on from the Sandra Bullock/ Jesse James scandal of earlier this year.

Sandra Bullock? She’s got her adopted child to worry about. Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee? She’s probably found another weirdo to have uncomfortably Nazi-themed sex with by now. And Jesse James? Well, actually, we haven’t heard the last of Jesse James yet. Speaking to Nightline last night, Jesse James revealed that he didn’t go to rehab for sex addiction this year, or for anger management – he did it because he was the victim of child abuse several decades ago.

Oh that’s right Jesse James, blame it all on your violently abusive monster of a father. That’s low, Jesse. That’s real low.

There’s always a consequence to fun, isn’t there? Take Jesse James, for instance – the consequence of his carefree infidelities was the destruction of his marriage and reputation. And it’s the same for us – it may have been a riot to giggle at the way that Jesse James cheated on one of the world’s most beautiful women with a Nazi fetishist who’s got a giant eyelashed fish tattooed up her arm, but that riot has to be cosmically balanced out by something. In this case it’s having to hear about how Jesse James was abused as a child.

Because he says he was. In fact, he can trace his decision to cheat on Sandra Bullock right back to the moment when his dad started hitting him. On Nightline last night, presumably as part of a Refusing To Shut Up Because You’re Clearly Some Sort Of Idiot special, Jesse James revealed that his stint in rehab earlier this year wasn’t to deal with his sex addiction at all – it was to deal with the emotions stemming from his abusive childhood. NBC reports:

James said he realized he “never had a chance to be a kid” because his father used to “terrorize” him. “He beat my ass pretty good a bunch of times,” James said. “I just remember, like, clinched teeth, [a] strained-neck look on his face.”… At age seven, James said, his father chased him in the dark until he fell and broke his arm. Afterward his father laughed and called him a “dummy.”

Bloody hell, this is a bit of a downer, isn’t it? Seriously, we think we just preferred it when Jesse James went around having weird Nazi sex with funny-looking women. Be more like that man again, Jesse. He was fun.

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Since her spectacular marital disintegration, Sandra Bullock has longed for one thing above all else.

A load of tattoos. Oh, and somebody to love. Somebody who’ll love Sandra Bullock no matter what. Someone who’ll never throw on a Nazi hat and have 11 months of illicit sex with a woman who’s got a selection of bland Little Book Of Calm platitudes permanently inked across her forehead. Somebody who’ll appreciate her. Someone who will never let her down. Someone who she can smother and mollycoddle and fuss over in a generally overcompensatory way, even though at times it’ll make them fantasise about running away because they feel as if they’re trapped in an emotional straitjacket.

So we should say hello to little Louis Bullock, a baby from New Orleans who Sandra Bullock has adopted as her very own. From now on, he’s all the man she’ll ever need. Wait, that sounded disgusting.

History has shown time and time again that if your marriage is failing, the last thing you should do is try to paper over the cracks with a baby. Rather than give you a new focus to share, it’ll only deepen the resentment between you and hasten the inevitable split – and you’ll have buggered up the life of a baby in the process. Nice work, idiots.

However, this isn’t really applicable to Sandra Bullock. She may have just adopted a little boy from New Orleans, but she didn’t do it to try and save her marriage. She did it to try and replace her marriage, which is obviously completely different so shut up.

Yes, while Jesse James was in sex rehab trying to cure his crippling addiction to having bizarre Nazi-tinged sex marathons with women so oppressively tattooed that they may as well have just wallpapered their entire bodies, Sandra Bullock was out doing something constructive – adopting a baby. People reports:

His name is Louis, and he is her newborn son. “He’s just perfect, I can’t even describe him any other way,” Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. “It’s like he’s always been a part of our lives.”

Now we’re being a little disingenuous here. Sandra Bullock didn’t split up from Jesse James, rush to the nearest possible adoption centre, grab the first child she saw and scream “YOU’RE MY HUSBAND NOW! YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU? NEVER NEVER NEVER!” right into its face. In fact she’d apparently been planning the adoption with Jesse James for four years, took care of Louis in January and had the adoption papers changed to make her his sole guardian after the split.

But we can still pretend that at one point or another, Sandra Bullock screamed “YOU’RE MY HUSBAND NOW!” into his face. It’s just funnier this way, OK?

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She’s destroyed Sandra Bullock’s marriage, has a thing for Nazi uniforms and looks like a redneck Na’vi.

Nice work, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee! You don’t don’t do things by half, do you? When you set out to become one of the most reviled people on the planet, you do absolutely everything you can to get there. Everything except for taking out a contract hit on Sandra Bullock, obviously. Because, clearly, that would be a smidgen too far.

That didn’t stop the FBI from allegedly investigating a claim that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee had organised for Sandra Bullock to be murdered, though. Fortunately it didn’t take long to reveal that the claims were bogus, which is just as well. Imagine if all other women tried to kill their lover’s wife. Elin Nordegren would have to live in a lead-lined panic room for the rest of her life.

Many things have tried to kill Sandra Bullock over the years. In Speed it was Dennis Hopper. In Speed 2 it was a moderately fast boat. In The Net it was some flashing green text on a black background. And in real life it definitely isn’t Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee.

We really can’t stress that enough. Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee isn’t trying to kill Sandra Bullock. Although Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee has all the motive needed to kill Sandra Bullock – she was having sex with Sandra Bullock’s husband, she likes to dress up as a Nazi from time to time, she lacks the mental ability to realise that writing pointless Little Book Of Calm-esque quotes directly onto her forehead with an inky needle is an incredibly stupid thing to do – it’s been fairly conclusively decided that at no point did she ever try and order a trained assassin to take Bullock out.

We know this because someone told the FBI that she had, and it all turned out to be rubbish. TMZ reports:

Roughly two weeks ago, McGee’s ex-husband, Shane Modica, reported that he received a call from a man in Missouri who claimed Bombshell wanted to put a hit on both Modica and Bullock … and the mystery caller claimed he was the person who was supposed to carry out the hits. Sources tell us Modica reported that the caller claimed he received his killing orders before the cheating scandal came to light.

But relax. The man from Missouri is known to local police – he has a head injury that apparently makes him ‘lose sense with reality’ – so it was quickly decided that the whole thing was nonsense. Which is probably best for everyone involved, because now we know that Sandra Bullock’s life isn’t in danger and that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee hasn’t done the stupidest thing that she could ever do.

Well, you know, the second stupidest thing. She’s already got a giant fish with fake eyelashes tattooed on one of her arms. Technically that does count as the stupidest.

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Great news! Yes, Sandra Bullock may be devastated because her husband cheated on her with a tattooed Nazi fetishist.

But it’s not all bad. Because now the tattooed Nazi fetishist feels remorse. That’s right - Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee has apologised to Sandra Bullock for all that sex she had with Jesse James. She didn’t apologise directly – she did it on TV – but we’re sure that Sandra Bullock saw it nonetheless.

Hang on, what? Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia? What’s the point of that? Honestly, she may as well have gone the whole hog and apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia under her breath in Esperanto wearing a full-body disguise inside an airtight nuclear bunker for all the good it’ll do. You know, we’re starting to think that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee might not be the trustworthy model citizen we think she is.

So in the last few months Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar for the worst film she’s ever made, won a Razzie for the second-worst film she’s ever made, realised that her husband had an 11-month affair with a tattoo model who’s got a giant eyelashed fish drawn up one of her arms and had to deny the existence of a sex tape where a Nazi pushes a shotgun all the way up her bumhole.

But let’s look on the bright side here. On the plus side, Sandra Bullock has demonstrated enviable stoicism throughout the scandal, possibly because her face has been rendered completely immobile by the effects of modern-day cosmetic surgery. And what’s more, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee feels bad about having sex with Jesse James now. So that’s just dandy. EW reports:

In an interview with Australian TV show Today Tonight, the Bombshell said, “Sandra, I’m sorry for your embarrassment. I’m sorry all this is public. I’m sorry for everything… I feel like I was lied to just as much as she was. If Jesse was upfront with me in the beginning, we wouldn’t be in this situation,” she said.

If you’ve ever been to Australia, you’ll know what a big deal this is. Today Tonight wouldn’t just let any old idiot appear on the show – Today Tonight is almost as prestigious as other Australian icons such as Today Today, Tonight Today, Tonight Tomorrow, Yesterday Next Month, This Afternoon A Week On Tuesday and 14 Years Ago At Some Point Between Now And Christmas. Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee, you’re in the big league now.

Anyway, now the ball is back firmly in Sandra Bullock’s court. Will she refuse to acknowledge the apology and let Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee fester, or will she be gracious enough to accept it for what it is? Fingers crossed it’ll be the latter – because that’s the only way our dream of seeing a Thelma & Louise-style road movie about one slightly Nazi-seeming woman who’s got words tattooed all over her face and another woman who can only pull one facial expression can come true. Make our dreams come true, Sandra.

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Ask any man what his fantasy is, and he’ll reply ‘Sandra Bullock, naked, with poo on her face and a gun up her bottom’.

Phwoar. Seriously, phwoar. And if you ask the man to elaborate slightly, then they’ll obviously explain that the man wiping poo across Sandra Bullock’s face and putting a gun up her bottom should be dressed as a Nazi and swearing quite a lot. So imagine everyone’s excitement when it was rumoured that Jesse James had made a Sandra Bullock sex tape featuring Nazi uniforms, facial poo-smearing and gun-based bottom play, and that he was threatening to leak it online following their split.

And imagine everyone’s disappointment when Sandra Bullock denied the existence of the sex tape yesterday in the strongest possible terms. Apparently it was all just a lie designed to damage her reputation. bit like The Net, except that was worse because it actually exists.

There’s no two ways about it, the rumours of the Sandra Bullock sex tape were based on nothing more than wishful thinking of the highest order. Deep down, everyone wanted to see the Sandra Bullock sex tape, for the following reasons:

1 – According to online whispers, the sex tape featured Sandra Bullock swearing copiously as Jesse James – sporting a Hitler moustache and dressed like a Nazi – handcuffed her, smeared faeces across her face and rammed a shotgun up her bottom, which barely even seems possible.

2 - People were naturally curious to see whether Sandra Bullock could force her cosmetically-tightened face into a recognisable human expression during the throes of sexual ecstasy or not.

3 - Sandra Bullock is an Oscar-winning actress, so the sex tape would have definitely had higher production values than any of the other Nazi poo-wipe anal-shotgun porn films currently available on the market.

4 – It would have meant that Speed 2 was no longer the worst thing that Sandra Bullock had starred in.

5 - As it was a Sandra Bullock film, the sex tape would have probably ended with the two leads overcoming their initial differences – like the Nazi uniform, the poo-smearing and the fact that there was a bloody great shotgun lodged halfway up her bottom – to live happily ever after.

But anyone hoping to see a grainy video of Sandra Bullock covered in human excrement and being used as a sort of impromptu ammunition holster is flat out of luck. Sandra Bullock, speaking for the first time since her split from Jesse James, has denied the existence of the sex tape. People reports:

Sandra Bullock has broken her silence during her marriage crisis, denying an Internet report there’s a sex tape with her and husband Jesse James. “There is no sex tape,” she says in a statement to PEOPLE on Tuesday. “There never has been one and there never will be one.”

So that’s that. In retrospect it was foolish to think that Sandra Bullock – one of the most recognisable faces on the planet – would ever think “Here I am, handcuffed to a bed with my Nazi fetishist husband’s turd plastered across my face and a shotgun wedged up my rectum. I can’t think of any possible reason why this moment shouldn’t be recorded for posterity”.

But at least now Sandra Bullock has put this all straight. Now nobody will talk about the Sandra Bullock sex tape any more. Except for us, now. And People magazine yesterday. And most of the internet until the end of time. Good work, Sandra!

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Gentlemen, next Valentine’s Day why not show your lady how much you love her by repeatedly shagging a tattoo model?

It works. Looks at Jesse James. He’s married to Sandra Bullock and, because Sandra Bullock is a movie star and already has enough flowers and jewellery and fancy dresses, the only way he can accurately express his love for her is to find the closest tattoo model – uncomfortable fixation on Nazi memorabilia preferred but not essential – and secretly shag her brains out for 11 months. It’s adorable.

True, Sandra Bullock may have misinterpreted Jesse James’s infidelity as a marriage-ending personal insult, but it wasn’t meant like that. After all, Jesse James’s lawyer has released a statement saying that Jesse loves Sandra ‘more than anything in his life’. Sandra’s so lucky – we wish that someone would love us more than they love screwing Nazi fetishists with fish scrawled all over their arms.

Because Sandra Bullock is a world-leader in the field of romantic comedies, she must be able to rouse a small amount of sympathy for her husband Jesse James. After all, his encounter with tattoo model Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee follows the rom-com blueprint exactly. Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy meets other girl who has own collection of Nazi hats and a fondness for having all kinds of unidentifiable crap permanently etched onto her skin, boy shags that girl for 11 months, first girl finds out, girl threatens to leave boy, boy goes to sex rehab and issues humiliating apology.

That’s basically the plot of every film that Sandra Bullock has ever starred in – and yet, despite this, Sandra Bullock seems determined to carry out her promise to divorce Jesse James as soon as possible.

But Jesse James isn’t going down without a fight. He’s realised, arguably too late, that he’s married to one of the most beautiful women on Earth and that no amount of sordid trysts with idiotically-tattooed rednecks who’ve got stupid nicknames and portfolios of distressing Nazi-themed photoshoots can make up for that. How much does Jesse James love Sandra Bullock? Let’s ask ABC News:

“When all is said and done, he wants the same people who were living in his house before all this happened to still be living there,” said his attorney, Joe Yanny. “And he wants to save his marriage with the woman he loves more than anything in his life.”

It’s a bold gambit by Jesse James, but it’s undoubtedly true. He loves Sandra Bullock more than anything in his life. Anything. He loves her more than motorbikes. He loves her more than his dog. He even loves Sandra Bullock more than he loves posing in Nazi hats for photos that will inevitably surface at the least opportune time possible. If publicly declaring that he loves Sandra Bullock more than anything in his life is the only thing that will save his marriage, then Jesse James should be applauded for his actions.

He shouldn’t be applauded for very long, of course, because he’ll need to get back to apologising relentlessly to his own biological children for insinuating that he doesn’t love them very much. But that’s all by the by, right?

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Recent celebrity scandals have proved that you can go to rehab for crack addiction, alcohol addiction and sex addiction.

But that’s not all. What if you’re addicted to something more specific? For instance, what if you’re not only addicted to sex but addicted to having sex behind Sandra Bullock‘s back with women dressed as Nazis who are so heavily tattooed that you can only assume that the tattooist used their body to aimlessly doodle on during a phone conversation? Is there a suitable treatment for that addiction?

There is! And that’s why Jesse James has just checked himself into rehab. Either that or it’s because he wants to blame his affairs on an illness, rather than the fact that he’s just a bit of a dirty-bollocked bastard. One or the other.

If we’ve learnt anything from the Tiger Woods affair, it’s to instinctively mistrust pornography actresses with too many vowels in their name. And if we’ve learnt anything else from the Tiger Woods affair, it’s that nothing cures serial infidelity like a golf club to the face and a ridiculous car crash. Rehab. We meant rehab. Nothing cures serial infidelity like rehab.

Rehab certainly cured Tiger Woods – you can tell by the way he’ll spend every day until he dies grovelling joylessly to his frosty and unaffectionate wife, rather than having loads of brilliant sex with hundreds of women – and now it’s going to cure Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James, too.

We all know what Jesse James’s problems are – mainly that he can’t help but fall hopelessly in love with anyone who has a fish tattooed on their arm, a collection of Nazi memorabilia in their wardrobe and a tendency to lick knives every time someone points a camera in their direction – but now he’s taking steps to try and fix them.

That’s why Jesse James has headed to Arizona and checked himself into a treatment facility. Hopefully, with the right attitude and enough time and plenty of money, Jesse James will finally be able to learn not to go around poking his todger into anyone with two lines of unreadable cursive tattooed across their face when he’s married to one of the most beautiful women on the planet. MSNBC reports:

“Jesse checked himself into a treatment facility to deal with personal issues,” his rep said in a statement. “He realized that this time was crucial to help himself, help his family and help save his marriage.” While the rep did not specify the type of treatment facility, one source confirms that it was “100 percent his own idea” — and not the result of an ultimatum from Bullock.

Jesse James should remember, though, that rehab is only the first step to recovery. Sure, it’ll straighten out a few of his problems, but nobody’s going to forgive him for anything until he’s given a wet-faced televised press conference about how sorry he is and then hugged his mother for just a little bit too long afterwards. Worked for Tiger Woods, anyway.

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It looks like the marriage between Sandra Bullock and Jesse James is finally over, and it’s time to divide the stuff.

Sandra, obviously, keeps the Oscar. Jesse gets to keep that funny little dog of his. And then there are Jesse James’s children – Chandler, Jesse Jr and Sunny. Who gets to keep those? Jesse James? Surely not – he’d only end up covering them in berserk fish tattoos to try and pretty them up. They’re not biologically hers, but could Sandra Bullock step in and win custody of them after the divorce?

In a word, no. There were rumours to the contrary, but Sandra Bullock’s rep has now firmly denied that she’s going to try to adopt the kids. And why should she? After all, she’s an Oscar-winning actress – soon enough she’ll have so many adopted African babies to care for that she’ll barely have time to look after anyone else.

Sandra Bullock has been keeping a low profile since it was revealed that her husband had been secretly sticking it to Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee – a woman who, to all intents and purposes, looks like a half-finished colouring-in book as owned by a toddler with ADD – and several stories have sprung up to fill the vacuum that her silence has caused.

And, in amongst all the usual waffle about divorces and whatnot, it was claimed that Sandra Bullock had designs on Jesse James’s kids. He’s got three of them, all from a previous marriage, and in interviews prior to the split, Bullock was fairly vocal about how attached she’d become to all of them. And now that he’s technically a single man again, it could mean that Jesse James would start bringing women back to the family home, each with a more illegible phrase tattooed across their face than the last. Imagine the effect that that would have on those poor kids.

Wouldn’t it be much better if Sandra Bullock simply adopted them instead? Anyone who has seen her films knows that she’s the perfect mother figure – she’s kind, approachable, has a great sense of humour and her face is so completely rigid that she’d never have the energy to open her mouth wide enough to shout at you. If Sandra Bullock adopted those children from Jesse James, everyone would win, right?

No. And it doesn’t matter either way, because it’s not like she’s going to do it anyway. People reports:

Despite reports, Sandra Bullock isn’t aiming to become a legal parent to her husband’s three kids. “There are no plans, nor have there ever been any plans, for Sandra Bullock to adopt any of Jesse James’s children,” her rep tells PEOPLE.

So, just to reiterate, some people thought that Sandra Bullock was going to do something, but in reality she isn’t. This is news. You’re welcome, the internet.

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Looking back it seems obvious that Jesse James would cheat on Sandra Bullock with Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee.

She’s got everything. A tattoo of an effeminate fish on her arm. A middle name that rhymes with her first name. Everything. Meanwhile, what’s boring old Sandra Bullock got? A best actress Oscar, a face that doesn’t move properly and a depressing dearth of tattooed cursive running right the way across her forehead. Ugh. Who’d want that?

Luckily, someone has now seen fit to stand up for Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee. Yes, it’s her dad so technically it doesn’t count and, yes, he obviously loves his daughter so much that he’s willing to overlook that time she dressed up as a Nazi. But at least he knows that she’s sorry. It’s written all over her face. Or at least something‘s written all over her face. She is a tattoo model, after all.

Her alleged 11-month affair with Jesse James was supposed to be the making of Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee. She presumably looked at all of Tiger Woods‘s mistresses, saw that one of them got a TV presenting deal due to her willingness to put it about willy nilly and thought that she’d be treated in the same way once she announced that she’d been having it off with Sandra Bullock’s husband. The fact that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee very quickly sold her story to a magazine certainly lends credence to this theory.

But McGee’s dreams have all turned sour impossibly quickly. That’s partly because everyone likes Sandra Bullock, and would therefore be naturally disposed to dislike the woman who kept banging her husband, and partly because dressing up as a Nazi and licking a knife traditionally isn’t a particularly good way to engender sympathy from the general public.

So, right now, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee needs a friend. She won’t find one in Jesse James, and the fish tattoo on her arm has been behaving in a noticeably frosty way since she came forward with her story, so who’ll stand up for her in this time of need? Why, none other than her father Denny McGee. Or Denny ‘Bombshell’ McGee. or The Lovely Denny McGee. Or whatever it is he calls himself. God knows.

Anyway, Denny McGee has done what any father in his situation would do. He’s looked through his daughter’s tattoos, her history of dressing up as a Nazi and her reputation as one of the most hated women on the planet, and he’s seen the innocent little girl who once loved normal little girl things, like ponies and princess and scrawling unreadable words across her forehead in permanent marker. He’ll stick up for his daughter no matter what. MSNBC reports:

“She told me that she was going out with Jesse James… the motorcycle guy. I’m like, ‘Oh, I thought he was married to Sandra Bullock.’ She goes, ‘Well, they were, but now they have a thing where they kind of live apart.’… I don’t know about my daughter having any Nazi — any relations with them at all. That’s ridiculous. She’s always been a good girl.”

See? You might look at Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee and see nothing more than a bunch of tattoos, a nickname that references an explosive device and a tedious flirtation with Nazi imagery, but her father sees something completely different. There’s a moral for us all there – admittedly it’s ‘all dads are stupid’, but that still counts, right?

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You don’t want to mess around with Sandra Bullock. Anyone who’s seen any of her films knows that only too well.

So we feel for Jesse James today. He’s finally apologised for his 11-month affair with Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee – a woman primarily known for having a fish with eyelashes tattooed on one of her arms – and God only knows the punishment she’s going to dole out to him. She might drive him around on a bomb-bus like in Speed, or be slightly racist to him like in Crash, or embark on a madcap chalk-and-cheese roadtrip with him that ends with the realisation that – even though they’re so different – they’re actually in love like in every other film that Sandra Bullock has ever made.

Either way, Jesse James should be worried. That was our original point.

Jesse James is married to Sandra Bullock, but he reportedly had an 11-month affair with a tattoo model called Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee. That’s like going out for hamburger when you’ve got steak at home. True, the steak might have gone to see a cosmetic surgeon a while ago and now it can’t move its face properly, but at least it’s not a hamburger. And, specifically, at least it’s not a hamburger that’s got some illegible scripture permanently scrawled across its forehead.

Seriously, you don’t go out for forehead-tattooed hamburger when you’ve got facially-immobile steak at home. Every idiot knows that, Jesse James.

But it seems like Jesse James knows that too. A day after the allegations about him surfaced, Jesse has done the decent thing and apologised for as much as it’s physically possible to do without actually admitting that you cheated on Sandra Bullock. Jesse James told People:

“The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded… There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way. This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”

What happens from here is anybody’s guess. Obviously the most sensible outcome would be for Sandra Bullock to realise that she can only make her husband happy if she covers herself from head to toe in all kinds of crappy, amateurish tattoos. True, it might narrow down her field of work to films about fairground workers or romantic comedies set in violent all-woman jails, but that’s a small price to pay for knowing that you’re keeping your man happy.

Or, you know, she could just divorce him or whatever. Either one’s fine, really.

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When Kate Winslet split up from her husband, everyone was all like “Ha ha! It’s the curse of the Oscars!”

And then they were all like “Ha ha! Watch out Sandra Bullock!” Which was funny, because Sandra Bullock appeared to have one of the strongest marriages in Hollywood. Except now it turns out that maybe that wasn’t the case – it’s being reported that her heavily-tattooed husband Jesse James allegedly had an 11-month affair with a tattoo model named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.

We don’t know what caused Jesse James to allegedly stray from Sandra Bullock like this, but maybe it’s because he found her to be too emotionally cold. Jesse, you idiot, she isn’t emotionally cold! She just can’t move her face very much because of all the surgery she’s had on it! Jesus, men are such pigs!

Right everyone, it’s time to take this curse of the Oscars thing seriously. Only this week did Best Actress Oscar-winner Kate Winslet split up with her husband, following in the footsteps of every other Best Actress winner from Hillary Swank to Reese Witherspoon. And now it looks as if Sandra Bullock, who only won the Best Actress Oscar about three seconds ago, could be next. You see, it’s been reported that Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James enjoyed an 11-month affair with a tattoo model.

If it’s true, then Jesse James should be ashamed. Sandra Bullock has been there to help him through all the hardest periods of his life – like when that stalker tried to run him over, and when he lost his dog, and when Sandra Bullock became so much more rich and powerful than him that his may as well have just snipped his testicles off with a set of nail scissors and slung them into the sea – and this is how he repays her? For shame.

The woman who Jesse James is alleged to have cheated on Sandra Bullock with is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. What does she have in common with Jesse James? They’re both covered from head to toe in tattoos, that’s what. And that itself is obviously quite a turn-on. Imagine you’re having sex with Sandra Bullock – you’ve only really got her pretty face, her glorious body and her nice hair to look at. Boring!

Now imagine that you’re having sex with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. You could pass the time by looking at the great big fish with eyelashes that’s swimming down her arm, or the giant keyhole on her chest, or you could try to work out the phrase that’s been tattooed across her forehead – is it ‘Prayers For Sinners’? ‘Playing For Scanners?’ ‘Ploughing For Spanners’? – which is obviously much more fun. Anyway, Michelle Bombshell McGee has detailed the alleged affair in In Touch magazine. MSNBC has details:

According an interview McGee gave In Touch Weekly, the whole affair began after she sent James a social-media friend request, hoping to be on his television show, and things escalated to the point where they had “intimate relations.”  She went on to tell the magazine that she and James had sex “two or three times” the night they met and from there a “serious relationship” began.

While this news must obviously be devastating for Sandra Bullock, it’s worse for people who like good acting. This curse of the Oscars thing has got so serious that there won’t be an actress in the land who’ll want to risk giving a good performance in case it jeopardises their marriage.

Dame Helen Mirren, scared that another Oscar might make her husband run away, will redub her performance in The Tempest so that Prospera shouts everything in an inexplicably high-pitched Jamaican accent. Keira Knightley will fart as powerfully as possible after every fifth sentence in Never Let Me Go. And Meryl Streep, obviously, will sign up for Nazi Zombie Brain-Eaters From Mars 3 at the first possible opportunity. We hope you’re happy, Jesse James. We hope you’re really happy.

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If you’re a fan of news stories about people who are married to famous people and lose their dog, read on.

This is your moon landing. This is your Mandela freedom walk. This is your perestroika. You see, CinnaBun – the pitbull terrier who belonged to Sandra Bullock‘s husband Jesse James until she went missing at the end of last month – has finally turned up. Truly, this is the greatest story about a dog belonging to a man who is married to a woman who stars in films going missing and then being returned ever.

It’s such a touching story that it’s thought Sandra Bullock wants to adapt it into a movie. Only in the movie she’ll play Jesse James, Hugh Grant will play CinnaBun and they’ll have sex at the end. It is a Sandra Bullock film, after all.

What an up and down year Sandra Bullock has had. You might not have noticed – primarily because her face looks as if it’s been tightened to such an absurd degree that her face isn’t really capable of conveying emotion any more – but Sandra Bullock has been up and down relentlessly over the last 12 months. First she made The Proposal, which did quite well. Then she made All About Steve, which did horribly. Then she made The Blind Side, which did phenomenally well. Then she was nominated for Worst Actress. Then she was nominated for Best Actress.

Then her husband’s dog CinnaBun went missing. And then it came back. Honestly, we don’t know how Sandra Bullock copes with such turmoil. No, literally, we don’t know how she copes with it – her face is so rigid and emotionless that we honestly can’t work out her processes.

Anyway, this story about CinnaBun going missing and then coming back is big news. In fact it’s currently the top story on PeoplePets.com – the pet-related offshoot to People magazine – beating the hot news that a family in Montana has just bought an unusually small horse into second place. In your face, unusually small horse! PeoplePets reports:

After three weeks of a desperate search for his beloved pit bull, Jesse James Tweeted Wednesday that he and CinnaBun have been reunited. Along with a photo of CinnaBun putting her paws up to his chest in a happy greeting, James posted this message: “So Happy! Thnx Everyone for all the help! She looks like she hz had quite the Adventure!”

And Jesse James isn’t the only one pleased that CinnaBun has been found. His followers on Twitter have been just as overjoyed, tweeting heartfelt comments like:

“Never a fan of pit bulls, especially ones that are free to roam around attacking unsuppecting humans and other animals. But glad you got your dog back.”

and:

“lol hell yeah. what’r you cryin, sissy boy… sum french cries”

But nobody is happier about the return of CinnaBun than Sandra Bullock herself. At least we think that’s what her face is trying to convey. It’s hard to tell. It could just as easily be anger, we suppose. Or guilt. Or incontinence. Oh, we give up.

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