jesse james - HecklerSpray

Jesse James Is Sorry You’re So Sensitive About Cheating

July 6th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.

There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.

Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.

Jesse James Dates Girl With Skin That Will Look Fine In 50 Years

August 20th, 2010 By Shawn Lindseth

Sometimes hecklerspray likes to sit back and imagine up a perfect girl for us. She’s got boneless noodle arms & the body of a female Ghengis Khan. We haven’t found her yet, but we’re patient.

And lonely.

Jesse James definitely has a type too – and until recently we thought that type was ‘Adopted a very large African-American football player.’ But no, that’s not his type. His type is so covered in tattoos that you can only determine ethnicity by seeing a picture of her parents. Lucky for him, then, that Kat von D is back on the market.

MTV Movie Awards: Sandra Bullock Kisses Scarlett Johansson

June 7th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

See, Jesse James? See? You’re not the only one who parade around like a gigantic strumpet.

Your estranged wife Sandra Bullock is just as capable. In fact, she’s even better at it than you are. Why? Because you only managed to hook up with a Nazi fetishist who was covered in so many tattoos that she looked like she’d fallen asleep under a pile of damp newspapers. But Sandra Bullock? She just kissed Scarlett Johansson. On the lips. On television. Really briefly.

The Sandra Bullock/ Scarlett Johansson kiss happened at the MTV Movie Awards, and it was largely the sexiest thing to happen all night. But, hey, when hasn’t the sight of a 45-year-old woman kissing a 25-year-old woman to make up for her husband’s multiple heartbreaking infidelities been sexy? No? Just us?

Jesse James Shagged Around Because His Dad Was Mean

May 26th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Everybody has more or less moved on from the Sandra Bullock/ Jesse James scandal of earlier this year.

Sandra Bullock? She’s got her adopted child to worry about. Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee? She’s probably found another weirdo to have uncomfortably Nazi-themed sex with by now. And Jesse James? Well, actually, we haven’t heard the last of Jesse James yet. Speaking to Nightline last night, Jesse James revealed that he didn’t go to rehab for sex addiction this year, or for anger management – he did it because he was the victim of child abuse several decades ago.

Oh that’s right Jesse James, blame it all on your violently abusive monster of a father. That’s low, Jesse. That’s real low.

Sandra Bullock Has A Baby – So Take THAT, Nazi Sex-Fiends

April 29th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Since her spectacular marital disintegration, Sandra Bullock has longed for one thing above all else.

A load of tattoos. Oh, and somebody to love. Somebody who’ll love Sandra Bullock no matter what. Someone who’ll never throw on a Nazi hat and have 11 months of illicit sex with a woman who’s got a selection of bland Little Book Of Calm platitudes permanently inked across her forehead. Somebody who’ll appreciate her. Someone who will never let her down. Someone who she can smother and mollycoddle and fuss over in a generally overcompensatory way, even though at times it’ll make them fantasise about running away because they feel as if they’re trapped in an emotional straitjacket.

So we should say hello to little Louis Bullock, a baby from New Orleans who Sandra Bullock has adopted as her very own. From now on, he’s all the man she’ll ever need. Wait, that sounded disgusting.

Bombshell McGee Not Trying To Murder Sandra Bullock, Honest

April 19th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

She’s destroyed Sandra Bullock’s marriage, has a thing for Nazi uniforms and looks like a redneck Na’vi.

Nice work, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee! You don’t don’t do things by half, do you? When you set out to become one of the most reviled people on the planet, you do absolutely everything you can to get there. Everything except for taking out a contract hit on Sandra Bullock, obviously. Because, clearly, that would be a smidgen too far.

That didn’t stop the FBI from allegedly investigating a claim that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee had organised for Sandra Bullock to be murdered, though. Fortunately it didn’t take long to reveal that the claims were bogus, which is just as well. Imagine if all other women tried to kill their lover’s wife. Elin Nordegren would have to live in a lead-lined panic room for the rest of her life.

‘Bombshell’ McGee Sorry For Banging Sandra Bullock’s Chap

April 13th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Great news! Yes, Sandra Bullock may be devastated because her husband cheated on her with a tattooed Nazi fetishist.

But it’s not all bad. Because now the tattooed Nazi fetishist feels remorse. That’s right – Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee has apologised to Sandra Bullock for all that sex she had with Jesse James. She didn’t apologise directly – she did it on TV – but we’re sure that Sandra Bullock saw it nonetheless.

Hang on, what? Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia? What’s the point of that? Honestly, she may as well have gone the whole hog and apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia under her breath in Esperanto wearing a full-body disguise inside an airtight nuclear bunker for all the good it’ll do. You know, we’re starting to think that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee might not be the trustworthy model citizen we think she is.

Sandra Bullock’s Filthy Filthy FILTHY Sex Tape Sadly Denied

April 7th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Ask any man what his fantasy is, and he’ll reply ‘Sandra Bullock, naked, with poo on her face and a gun up her bottom’.

Phwoar. Seriously, phwoar. And if you ask the man to elaborate slightly, then they’ll obviously explain that the man wiping poo across Sandra Bullock’s face and putting a gun up her bottom should be dressed as a Nazi and swearing quite a lot. So imagine everyone’s excitement when it was rumoured that Jesse James had made a Sandra Bullock sex tape featuring Nazi uniforms, facial poo-smearing and gun-based bottom play, and that he was threatening to leak it online following their split.

And imagine everyone’s disappointment when Sandra Bullock denied the existence of the sex tape yesterday in the strongest possible terms. Apparently it was all just a lie designed to damage her reputation. bit like The Net, except that was worse because it actually exists.

Jesse James Loves Sandra Bullock Despite Her Lack Of Nazi Hats

April 6th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Gentlemen, next Valentine’s Day why not show your lady how much you love her by repeatedly shagging a tattoo model?

It works. Looks at Jesse James. He’s married to Sandra Bullock and, because Sandra Bullock is a movie star and already has enough flowers and jewellery and fancy dresses, the only way he can accurately express his love for her is to find the closest tattoo model – uncomfortable fixation on Nazi memorabilia preferred but not essential – and secretly shag her brains out for 11 months. It’s adorable.

True, Sandra Bullock may have misinterpreted Jesse James’s infidelity as a marriage-ending personal insult, but it wasn’t meant like that. After all, Jesse James’s lawyer has released a statement saying that Jesse loves Sandra ‘more than anything in his life’. Sandra’s so lucky – we wish that someone would love us more than they love screwing Nazi fetishists with fish scrawled all over their arms.

Jesse James Goes To Rehab, Literally Nobody Surprised At All

March 31st, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Recent celebrity scandals have proved that you can go to rehab for crack addiction, alcohol addiction and sex addiction.

But that’s not all. What if you’re addicted to something more specific? For instance, what if you’re not only addicted to sex but addicted to having sex behind Sandra Bullock‘s back with women dressed as Nazis who are so heavily tattooed that you can only assume that the tattooist used their body to aimlessly doodle on during a phone conversation? Is there a suitable treatment for that addiction?

There is! And that’s why Jesse James has just checked himself into rehab. Either that or it’s because he wants to blame his affairs on an illness, rather than the fact that he’s just a bit of a dirty-bollocked bastard. One or the other.