Jesse James is still talking about how he cheated on Sandra Bullock a year ago. It behooves him to talk about betraying his ex-wife for the sake of his book sales. So, his current book tour includes belated apologies and indignant admissions of guilt. However, you may be interested to know, any wrongdoing on his part is in the eye of the beholder and Jesse is only sorry that you’re so sensitive.
There are probably no innocent parties here and we don’t know the full story. There were two people in that relationship.
Until there were suddenly seven more people and Jesse was having sex with all of them. It took two of them to break-up the relationship. Which is, incidentally, roughly how many strippers with whom he cheated.
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Sometimes hecklerspray likes to sit back and imagine up a perfect girl for us. She’s got boneless noodle arms & the body of a female Ghengis Khan. We haven’t found her yet, but we’re patient.
And lonely.
Jesse James definitely has a type too – and until recently we thought that type was ‘Adopted a very large African-American football player.’ But no, that’s not his type. His type is so covered in tattoos that you can only determine ethnicity by seeing a picture of her parents. Lucky for him, then, that Kat von D is back on the market.
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See, Jesse James? See? You’re not the only one who parade around like a gigantic strumpet.
Your estranged wife Sandra Bullock is just as capable. In fact, she’s even better at it than you are. Why? Because you only managed to hook up with a Nazi fetishist who was covered in so many tattoos that she looked like she’d fallen asleep under a pile of damp newspapers. But Sandra Bullock? She just kissed Scarlett Johansson. On the lips. On television. Really briefly.
The Sandra Bullock/ Scarlett Johansson kiss happened at the MTV Movie Awards, and it was largely the sexiest thing to happen all night. But, hey, when hasn’t the sight of a 45-year-old woman kissing a 25-year-old woman to make up for her husband’s multiple heartbreaking infidelities been sexy? No? Just us?
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Everybody has more or less moved on from the Sandra Bullock/ Jesse James scandal of earlier this year.
Sandra Bullock? She’s got her adopted child to worry about. Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee? She’s probably found another weirdo to have uncomfortably Nazi-themed sex with by now. And Jesse James? Well, actually, we haven’t heard the last of Jesse James yet. Speaking to Nightline last night, Jesse James revealed that he didn’t go to rehab for sex addiction this year, or for anger management – he did it because he was the victim of child abuse several decades ago.
Oh that’s right Jesse James, blame it all on your violently abusive monster of a father. That’s low, Jesse. That’s real low.
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Since her spectacular marital disintegration, Sandra Bullock has longed for one thing above all else.
A load of tattoos. Oh, and somebody to love. Somebody who’ll love Sandra Bullock no matter what. Someone who’ll never throw on a Nazi hat and have 11 months of illicit sex with a woman who’s got a selection of bland Little Book Of Calm platitudes permanently inked across her forehead. Somebody who’ll appreciate her. Someone who will never let her down. Someone who she can smother and mollycoddle and fuss over in a generally overcompensatory way, even though at times it’ll make them fantasise about running away because they feel as if they’re trapped in an emotional straitjacket.
So we should say hello to little Louis Bullock, a baby from New Orleans who Sandra Bullock has adopted as her very own. From now on, he’s all the man she’ll ever need. Wait, that sounded disgusting.
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She’s destroyed Sandra Bullock’s marriage, has a thing for Nazi uniforms and looks like a redneck Na’vi.
Nice work, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee! You don’t don’t do things by half, do you? When you set out to become one of the most reviled people on the planet, you do absolutely everything you can to get there. Everything except for taking out a contract hit on Sandra Bullock, obviously. Because, clearly, that would be a smidgen too far.
That didn’t stop the FBI from allegedly investigating a claim that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee had organised for Sandra Bullock to be murdered, though. Fortunately it didn’t take long to reveal that the claims were bogus, which is just as well. Imagine if all other women tried to kill their lover’s wife. Elin Nordegren would have to live in a lead-lined panic room for the rest of her life.
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Great news! Yes, Sandra Bullock may be devastated because her husband cheated on her with a tattooed Nazi fetishist.
But it’s not all bad. Because now the tattooed Nazi fetishist feels remorse. That’s right - Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee has apologised to Sandra Bullock for all that sex she had with Jesse James. She didn’t apologise directly – she did it on TV – but we’re sure that Sandra Bullock saw it nonetheless.
Hang on, what? Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia? What’s the point of that? Honestly, she may as well have gone the whole hog and apologised to Sandra Bullock on TV in Australia under her breath in Esperanto wearing a full-body disguise inside an airtight nuclear bunker for all the good it’ll do. You know, we’re starting to think that Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee might not be the trustworthy model citizen we think she is.
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Ask any man what his fantasy is, and he’ll reply ‘Sandra Bullock, naked, with poo on her face and a gun up her bottom’.
Phwoar. Seriously, phwoar. And if you ask the man to elaborate slightly, then they’ll obviously explain that the man wiping poo across Sandra Bullock’s face and putting a gun up her bottom should be dressed as a Nazi and swearing quite a lot. So imagine everyone’s excitement when it was rumoured that Jesse James had made a Sandra Bullock sex tape featuring Nazi uniforms, facial poo-smearing and gun-based bottom play, and that he was threatening to leak it online following their split.
And imagine everyone’s disappointment when Sandra Bullock denied the existence of the sex tape yesterday in the strongest possible terms. Apparently it was all just a lie designed to damage her reputation. bit like The Net, except that was worse because it actually exists.
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