If there’s one thing Hecklerspray thoroughly enjoys, it’s necking with the various plant life naturally inhabiting Puerto Rico. Sure – you may think that sounds weird but that’s just because you’ve never seen one of their shrubs in a bikini. You should go in the late spring – that’s when things are particularly leafy.

If there’s another thing we love it’s watching Broadway shows written by heavy-set senior citizens who carry guns through airport metal detectors and then fake dismay when TSA declines them that privilege.

Lucky for us, then, that Jerry Lewis is bringing his Nutty Professor movie to Broadway.

Jerry Lewis is going to turn the Nutty Professor into a Broadway musical. He likely takes the task quite seriously because he knows there’s gotta be at least enough good source material for Eddie Murphy to remake it in 30 years time.

We’ve yet to see the script, but there are a couple of things we feel secure in predicting as definite inclusions. The first, of course, being that any effeminite male-characters are definitely gonna know how to read – lesson learned, eh Jerr? Secondly – you can feel free to bring a gun to the show so long as you don’t try to use it at the overpriced snack bar. The last thing you’re sure to see present on opening night is all the actors looking quite confused as they appear to fake a heart attack in a director’s chair off the cuff.

That’s just what happens when the guy sitting there is older than Moses.

That’s right – Lewis is directing. Playbill News has the scoop:

“Marvin Hamlisch and Rupert Holmes will write the songs, and legendary actor, director, writer and producer Jerry Lewis will make his theatrical directorial debut with the new Broadway musical, The Nutty Professor, based on the 1963 film that Lewis starred in and co-wrote.”

When asked how excited he was to direct on Broadway, Lewis mumbled something about misplacing his bottom teeth, and then he turned up his TV set to an unearthly volume and held up one of those old-timey hearing-cones to his ear.

That’s more of an approximation than a quote. Here’s a quote:

“I was born with show business in my blood and working on Broadway gets it coursing through my veins like no other place can. Marvin and Rupert have given one of my favorite and most enduring films…a hilarious and gorgeous adaptation for Broadway and I could not be happier. Does this story sing and dance? You bet it does.”

If you are planning to attend on opening night – don’t bother. We feel like telling you he’s filling the seats with kids who suffer from that disease he always tries to fight. What is it again? The pumpkin flu?

So unless you want to get really sick and die from something with no known cure – don’t go that night.

Really you can go. We made up the sick-kids bit.

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When it comes to the anti-gay slur, there’s perhaps no greater master than Jerry Lewis – the man is nothing short of a maestro.

Just over a year since Jerry Lewis last got into trouble for airing his uniquely fruity views on homosexuals during a live telethon, he’s done it again. This time, Jerry Lewis managed to offend all the gays in the world while in Australia, where he told a reporter that cricket is “a fag game.”

Obviously that’s a completely outrageous thing to say, and it’s obvious why so many people have reacted to Jerry Lewis’ comment with horror. By calling cricket a fag game, Jerry Lewis has displayed not only a casual intolerance of homosexuals but also a huge lack of education – cricket isn’t a fag game at all. It’s a crap game that only turds enjoy. Again, cricket is a crap game that only turds enjoy.

As the star and director of an unreleased movie about a German clown who lures Jewish children to their deaths in Nazi concentration camps, Jerry Lewis probably isn’t anyone’s go-to man when it comes to matters of taste. But even by his own standards, Jerry Lewis is having a rough couple of years.

It all started when, midway through the annual Jerry Lewis telethon, Lewis decided to refer to someone called Jesse The Illiterate Faggot, drawing the ire of the two or three people who actually happened to be watching it live. Jerry Lewis immediately issued an apology for the outburst and everything quickly went back to normal.

Except now he’s gone and done it again. In Australia, where he’s touring a show that we assume is called An Evening Of Faded Nostalgia And Uncomfortable Bitterness With Jerry Lewis, Lewis has kicked up a storm by blurting out a choice anti-gay slur about cricket. AP reports:

Following a news conference in Sydney Friday, Lewis, 82, was asked by a Network Ten national TV reporter for his opinion on the Australian nation sport of cricket. “Oh, cricket? It’s a f– game. What are you, nuts?” Lewis replied. The network broadcast the comment in full on its Friday evening news bulletin along with footage of Lewis handling an imaginary cricket bat with an effeminate gesture.

Inevitably, Jerry Lewis’ comments have been met with a wave of appalled responses all demanding an apology. True, most of them are from gay people offended to be associated with a sport as lumpen and dreary as cricket, but that’s beside the point.

Whether Jerry Lewis does issue an apology for this slur or not remains to be seen. Our gut feeling is that he won’t, since lobbing such an obviously offensive comment around seems to have been the best advert that his show will ever get.

In fact, if Jerry Lewis was smart, he’d adapt this tactic of offending the locals in every single new country he takes the show to. Maybe in Britain he could say that the Queen smells of penis, or in France that boules is only ever played by paedophiles.

One thing’s for sure, though, he’ll need to get in some serious training if he ever wants to tour Japan – we hear it’s deceptively hard to make your eyes go squinty while screaming “ME SO SOLLY!” without literally dying of shame these days.

Sometimes muscular dystrophy is stopped by well intentioned telethons raising money for its cure, and sometimes to stop it – you have to shoot it all to hell.

Jerry Lewis has tried the former thousands of times. He’s raised hundreds of millions of dollars to fight the disfiguring beast – but it keeps coming back. He raises more money… then it comes back again. It’s as if his efforts are all for nought.

Well Lewis has had it – he’s apparently found out where muscular dystrophy lives, and was flying there to confront it with a bullet-hungry gun. Airport authorities probably don’t care about the welfare of muscular dystrophy, and may even root for Lewis when the final battle goes down, but when they found him with a firearm on the far side of the metal detector, they had to detain him anyway.

Jerry Lewis is 82 years old, Jerry Lewis’ apology to Jesse the illiterate faggot was true and heart-felt, and Jerry Lewis hates diseases that rob people of personal mobility while weakening their bones. This is all we know of the man since he voluntarily retreated from the gleam of the public eye. He has become a mystery, a mystery the world simply must solve.

And so it is another piece to the Jerry Lewis puzzle has been laid before us – he likes to illegally carry guns. It’s unknown what exactly he does with the guns he carries, but we assume he sells them to colour-wearing pre-teens in Compton. We don’t blame him, because as we all know – social security don’t stretch by itself.

On Lewis’ last trip to Compton, though, it seems he forgot to sell one of the guns he kept tucked in the back of his giant grey sweats. Did we mention we’re speculating? But Reuters isn’t:

“Comedian Jerry Lewis was detained by police in Las Vegas late last week when airport screeners found an unloaded gun in his baggage, authorities said on Tuesday. Lewis, 82, had a small .22-caliber handgun when he arrived at the security screening area on Friday at Las Vegas McCarran International Airport, said Officer Ramon Denby, a spokesman for the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. The comedian was briefly detained and the gun was seized. Lewis was cited for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, Denby said.”

Really, this all brings us to the need for more serious gun restrictions implemented within the United States. We have a few ideas. For instance, senior citizen comedians should be banned completely. Also, anyone from the south. Also, you shouldn’t be able to own a gun if you are ugly or seriously retarded. Also if you have diseases you can’t have a gun. This simple measure could help prevent the spread of things like AIDS, bronchitis, and that one sickness where your outer-skin turns rigid like a skeleton.

Can you imagine living in a world without diseases that make your outer skin so bone-like? You won’t have to just imagine it – if you ban all guns.

C’mon people – let’s ban them.

Let’s ban them together.