Michael Jackson’s death may well be very sad for those who still bought his albums post-Dangerous (yes, these people actually exist), but it hasn’t been all bad news for the world.

You see, like deep sea creatures gorging on the carcass of a dead whale, Michael Jackson’s cadaver has created something of a cottage industry, where everyone is making a nice living out of an injection of Propofol.

And one person doing very well out of Michael’s death is Jermaine Jackson who, ironically enough, is paying his mortgage by scalding everyone who is making money out of Michael’s deathly mishap.

So what’s the deal?

Well first off, Jermaine thinks that MJ was killed by greed, power and money. Again, that Propofol may have something to do with it and years of alleged substance abuse. But yeah, greed, power and money.

Speaking before the manslaughter trial of Conrad Murray (coming to a TV near you later this month), Jermaine says that those surrounding his brother failed to look after him, as they pushed him to play his money spinning comeback gigs.

Of course, you could argue that Jermaine failed to pick the phone up frequently enough to make sure his quite obviously ill for a number of years brother was up to the job.

JJ say:

“Why didn’t somebody call me or Jackie or Tito or Marlon or his family, to say, ‘Come down here, your brother is not acting normal?’ Had we been called, he would be alive today. We would have taken him to the hospital”

“Because they wanted the show to go on… It’s all about — this is a story about greed and power and money. And not looking at the person in Michael.”

That’s Jermaine Jackson there, who is currently promoting a book he’s written about Michael Jackson. A book that he wasn’t writing when his brother was alive.

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The Jackson family really has a lot to answer for in terms of their dire financial situation. Who they gonna blame it on? Most people would point the finger at poor advice given to them from second rate lawyers, but the Jackson family are a wacky bunch of loons, so they’ll end up passing the buck to sunshine, moon light, good times and boogie.

World renowned musician and court visitor Michael Jackson was always having money problems. After blowing wads of cash on crap that wouldn’t appear in Sunday newspaper supplements, the king of pop died in a lot of debt.

You’d therefore expect the Jackson clan to not follow in his footsteps and be more money-minded. That would make sense wouldn’t it? But in true Jackson fashion, the other family members have made a complete mess of everything. And step forward Jermaine Jackson who is in trouble for, allegedly, slacking on child payments. The monster!

As far as the Jackson family is concerned, Michael will always be the main bread winner, even though he never made a decent record past 1993. Zombie-like fans froth at the mouth with each fresh posthumous release. Let’s be honest, who else would the family count on? Janet Jackson never set the music world alight and was only ever popular inside her own lunchtime.

Now, it’s not like Jermaine Jackson has been the bitch of family household and was forced to lick Janet’s feet and fetch Tito Cornish pasties at the click of his tubby fingers. He was part of the original Jackson 5 and should, in theory, have a large amount of cash wedged away for a rainy day based on record sales and radio play. Not being able to save money seemingly runs in the family with the eldest of the Jacksons declaring himself:

“Broke”

Hold on a second, isn’t this the same Jermaine Jackson who appeared on the 2007 celebrity baiting version of Big Brother? A show that earned him £250,000 after he spent a couple of weeks boxed in with people he’d never heard of. Instead of investing the money or stuffing it under a mattress like most normal people, he has instead squandered it and has been reported to have said:

“I’m not rich like Michael was. In 2008 I made no money.”

Technically, Michael Jackson isn’t rich anymore either, though the coffin he’s buried in will probably be worth more than the gross income of a small developing country. So who are the poor innocent parties that have been caught up in all of this bother?

Again, it’s the children and, in what is now a predictable Jackson family trait, Jermaine has given his offspring a life of woe. Not only are they missing out on £1,800′s worth of child support payments every month, but they’re also cursed with stupid, stupid names.

That’d be Jaafar, 14, and Jermajesty, 10. As if they weren’t bullied enough by the outside world thanks to Uncle Mike’s interesting bedroom activities.

Still, it’s not as daft as naming your kid Blanket.

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You know what? I’ve come to the conclusion that Janet Jackson is probably my favourite out of all of the ill-fated Jackson Cloning experiments of the 50s and 60s.

Face it, she isn’t the one that gave her children aggressively brainless names that make them sound like they’re suffering a minor stroke due to an onset of unaccountable self-aggrandisement whenever they introduce themselves, like Jermaine did. She seems like less of a manic than LaToya. And there are fewer whispered rumours of ‘shedosmilia’ or ‘smiled smape’ than the dead one.

Of course, there are about 600 failed Jackson experiments that I haven’t mentioned. I didn’t mention them because it’s impossible for any human being to have any knowledge of more than five at a time before the urge to cease existing becomes irresistible. Having said that though, I’d be willing to bet that not one of the other hundreds of Jacksons lurking on the edge of major cities waiting for the ‘go code’ to be transmitted to their frontal cortex can spark civil unrest with the slightest hint of their unclothed chebs being shown on prime time television. That fact alone makes Janet the best one.

But having total genital power over all teenage boys that cared enough to record, slow down and squint at the precise point that you could see a square centimetre of famous nork is not enough for Janet, no way. Now she’s claiming to have discovered Lady Gaga. DigitalSpy honks:

Janet Jackson has reportedly claimed that she was aware of Lady GaGa before anyone knew who she was. “Before she made it, before anyone knew who she was, I knew who she was and, to see her finally make it, I was so happy.”

Doesn’t that confirm her status as the Best Jackson? Not only is she a supreme talent scout, she can also see into the future. She knew who Lady Gaga was even before she knew herself. Of course, all of the Jacksons are known for their unimpeachable ethics and high moral standing, so it would be unfitting of us to speculate on this unprompted, frankly unrealistic claim.

It simply must be true. To suggest that it is just because people can barely remember who she is, other than the person who simultaneously corrupted the largest number of impressionable American children in living memory, sparking off mass juvenile orgies with merely a picosecond flash of boob, would be the act of a charlatan. Not to mention that she has a reissue of her Best Of out and each headline she gets is roughly equivalent to 4.5 units sold. No, it’s far more likely that she trawled stripclubs on the Lower East Side of Manhattan looking for the next eccentric Madonna wannabe. Surely.

Besides, why would she pretend to have discovered someone like Lady Gaga? Surely the logical successor to the Jackson’s crown of Creating Overproduced Commercial Soul would be Chris Brown. The only trouble there is that her name would be linked to someone accused of a horrific physical cri- oh wait, nevermind.

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When famous people die, it’s quite common for their devoted fans to spend months in mourning. Or in the case of Michael Jackson fans, quite probably forever.

For superstar like individuals, their memories go on forever. In Michael’s case, it will be through his music and various court cases.

Despite kicking the bucket in June, Michael Jackson is still all over the news. This time, it’s all about a tribute TV show about him. Whilst we thought the Bo Selecta program was good enough, people still want more. And so Jermaine Jackson is set to host a brand new show for BBC 3 where he aims to find people who can quite literally moonwalk the bum out of the dancefloor.

It’s odd really – a massive chunk of the TV schedule is going to be given up for an X Factor meets Britain’s Got Talent to find someone who can dance like Michael Jackson. How times have changed. We don’t believe for one second that when Elvis farted himself to death, TV producers back then held burger-eating competitions as a fitting tribute.

Now we might not be the brightest sparks but, casting our minds back to Britain’s Got Talent a few years ago, we remember a couple of dancers. It wasn’t that pesky George Sampson or Diversity. Thinking about it really hard, it was a duo called Signature. During their first round audition, they came out and boogied on down to some songs inspired by no other then monkey lover Michael Jackson.

BBC 3! We know you struggle to fill your schedule with shows that aren’t repeats of EastEnders, constant reruns of existing shows like Family Guy and one of documentaries featuring so-called cool people like George Lamb. But as license fee payers, we’re telling you that this Michael Jackson show doesn’t need to be made. Just bloody crown Signature the winners.

Because he now has a chance of becoming the most popular Jackson, Jermaine Jackson told the BBC:

“Michael inspired people across the world to master his moves and create their own unique routines.”

We’d like to believe Jermaine Jackson there, but we don’t think that quote is completely true. Michael was a crap dancer until he had his regular lessons with Joe Jackson. Armed with his trust belt, he taught more to Michael then any teacher could. How do you think the track Beat It got its name? Jermaine added further:

“I’m really excited and delighted to be part of this show and look forward to finding the UK’s most talented and inspiring dancers.”

Out of the thousands that will appear in front of the camera, the majority will be utterly gash, a few will wave like idiots and say hello to their mum, some might believe it’s their ticket to bagging a footballer and the rest might remember what the show is about. Honestly, Michael will be literally turning in his gold-plated grave and gnawing on his silver glove in horror at the thought of this. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?

We’ll only watch if Bubbles is the judge and eliminates the losers by throwing his droppings at the contestants.

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The saddest thing about Michael Jackson’s death is probably the complete lack of attention that it received.

There was only a memorial concert. Oh, and endless wall-to-wall radio tributes. And that film that’s coming out soon. And a hastily-compiled greatest hits CD. And more ropey-looking unofficial market stall T-shirts than you could count. But that’s it.

So thank God for Jermaine Jackson, because he’s planning a tribute show for Michael Jackson in Vienna. We’re guessing that its working title is ‘Jermaine Jackson Presents Jermaine Jackson And The Jermaine Jackson Allstars In Jermaine Jackson’s Tribute To Michael Jackson (Starring Jermaine Jackson)’.

Since Michael Jackson died, each member of the Jackson family has taken to coping in largely individual ways. There’s Katherine Jackson, who keeps busy by raising Michael Jackson’s children. There’s Janet Jackson, who busies herself with making Michael’s children speak in public, seemingly against their wishes, on the saddest of their lives. And there’s Joe Jackson, who’d love nothing more than to corral Michael Jackson’s kids into the gruelling world of showbusiness.

But what about Jermaine Jackson? What’s he going to do without Michael Jackson? He’s probably not going to be able to sell his ‘Michael Jackson is probably a child molestor‘ book for a while, so he’ll have to look elsewhere. Specifically to Vienna, where he’s organising a huge tribute concert to Michael Jackson, the pure soul who wanted to change the world and definitely didn’t feel up any kids.

You may have thought that a tribute concert to Michael Jackson would be held in America, because he was American. Or in London, at the site of Michael Jackson’s proposed concerts. Or even in Bahrain, where Michael Jackson spent a weird transvetitey period of his life. But, no, it’ll be held in Vienna because, um, Michael Jackson quite liked Mr Kipling Viennese Whirls. Or something. Look, we don’t know. But, as Reuters reports, Jermaine Jackson thinks that the concert will be just tip-top:

“I have invited many of the most acclaimed talents of our time,” Jermaine Jackson said on the website promoting the concert, “and many have already confirmed to perform in honor of my beloved brother… I want to make people aware of the humanitarian side of Michael. I want to show them how his true emphasis wasn’t music, or performing; it was improving the world.”

Now we’re not sure exactly which artists have agreed to take part in this concert, because details aren’t really the Jackson way – as far as dates go, ‘sometime near the end of September’ is as close as we can get – and we’re not sure if it’ll be as unsettlingly odd as the Michael Jackson memorial show.

But what we do know is that Jermaine Jackson wants these concerts to be an annual event, and that a ‘substantial portion’ of the proceeds will go to several charities, including Larry King’s cardiac foundation and, we’re guessing, the Institute For Keeping The Buttons On Jermaine Jackson’s Military Jackets Nice And Shiny. But don’t quote us on that.

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Like most of the planet, we’ve spent the last few weeks weeping hysterically along to the words of Dirty Diana, or turning up at beat poetry nights to deliver a sobbed version of Billie Jean with a simple bass drum accompaniment.

Our grief, it seemed, was never going to end. At one point we even considered having Michael Jackson‘s strange clown face tattooed onto our own faces, so that we could spend the rest of our lives singing Man in the Mirror in front of a mirror. To the man in the mirror.

And then we realised two things. Firstly, we realised that we prefer Prince. Secondly, there are lots of other Jacksons to fall in love with. “Could one of them replace Michael?” we whispered to a passing old man. His silence told us everything we needed to know. Yes. One of them could. But which one?

Without even a second thought, we immediately discounted both Janet and LaToya on the grounds that both of them are women. In any case, Janet is probably a bit too successful in her own right, so if we replaced Michael with her, we’d have to find someone to replace Janet. That’s too much work. And LaToya is a little bit slutty. On the plus side, she does have exactly the same face as Michael. Still, no girls, we decided. That was the rule.

Tito was also dismissed early on. Even back in the heady days of the Jackson Five, he was rumoured to be “the quiet one”, which is an astonishing feat. A bit like being considered the gayest member of the Village People. His stage dynamism let him down too. You’d never catch MJ biting his bottom lip during a boring guitar solo.

Next for the chop was Marlon Jackson, whose god-awful foray into solo work was so abominable that he ended up jacking in music altogether and becoming an estate agent.

Then Randy was thrown out, not on the grounds that he didn’t deserve a shot, but for sharing a name with the fat American Idol judge. If we were going to flounce around the world telling people that we’re massive Randy Jackson fans, we wouldn’t want to waste time explaining to every second idiot that we’re talking about the one who replaced Jermaine in the Jackson Five, not the one who makes barking noises when young homosexuals stay pitch-perfect throughout a Barry Manilow recital.

And thus we were left to chose between Jackie – the oldest of The Jackson Five – and Jermaine, who will forever be fondly remembered as the silent one in the racist edition of Celebrity Big Brother. Both men have the same childlike Michael Jackson voice, but Jermaine just nicked it for his stronger pop credentials, having forged something of a successful solo pop career for himself back in the olden days. Thus Jackie was kicked to the curb like an old hooker.

So, without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, we give you THE NEW MICHAEL JACKSON – JERMAINE JACKSON! WOO!

Who else is feeling MUCH BETTER now?

For more gold like this, visit Josh’s real site, Interestment. It’s just like this, but more.

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For years the world has thought that a Jackson Five reunion would be impossible, not least because nobody can imagine going to watch a gang of rickety old child-stars limping through Rockin' Robin fronted by a frail alabaster ghoul.

However, the world clearly doesn't have the self-belief of Jermaine Jackson, because he's decided that this exact tactic is what will make him successful again. According to Jermaine Jackson, the Jackson Five will reform and play some shows next year, with Michael Jackson firmly in place as a member of the group. But, accounting for Michael Jackson's notorious flakiness, Jermaine Jackson has drafted in a few Jackson Five understudies as a contingency should Michael Jackson pull out. And who wouldn't want to see a reunited Jackson Five with Samuel L Jackson, Randy Jackson or noted long-dead American organic chemist Charles Loring Jackson singing all of Michael's parts?

Michael Jackson is the kind of guy that, if he says he'll do something, you can normally expect to wait ten years and a thousand lawsuits before he eventually squeaks out something that's completely unrelated to anything he's ever mentioned. For instance, Michael Jackson's 9/11 charity single never emerged, nor did his Hurricane Katrina charity single. Or his 50 Cent collaboration. Or that album of duets with the dead Pope. Or the album he was supposed to be recording in Bahrain.

And now it seems like Michael Jackson is ready to reunite and go on tour with the Jackson Five again, which to all intents and purposes means that in the year 2035, Jackie Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, Tito Jackson and Marlon Jackson will perform a solitary 90-second song in front of some blank-faced porcelain dolls in a shed alongside a wounded crow in an afro that they all doggedly refer to as 'Michael'.

Or maybe not, because Jermaine Jackson – aka the man who came second on Celebrity Big Brother, making him more famous than the mannish one from S Club 7 and less famous than Shilpa Shetty – is adamant that the Jackson Five will be touring next year, and that Michael Jackson will definitely be in the fold. You know, just like he was during Celebrity Big Brother and – we suspect – every single morning since the Jackson Five officially disbanded 17 years ago.

Anyway, here's what Jermaine Jackson told BBC 6 Music:

"Michael will be involved. We feel we have to do it one more time. We owe that to the fans and to the public… There's been so much going on, getting over all the hurdles that we all were faced with during Michael's trial. But we are stronger than ever. I'm gonna say thank you, thank you, thank you so much to all the fans and the supporters of my family all over Europe, all over the UK especially, who came out to show their love and their support… He was at the meetings. Michael will be involved."

Not only that but Jermaine Jackson also claimed that a new Jackson Five album is in the works which, given Jermaine's tendency to assert himself as the lead singer of the band whenever possible even though he's spent the last 30 years primarily known as Michael Jackson's brother, probably means that he's recording some songs that he might let Michael hum in the background of if he's good.

Of course, that's just speculation – and not particularly good speculation either. Far more likely is the scenario that a Jackson Five reunion is never going to happen, Michael Jackson is never going to take part in it and Jermaine Jackson is either woefully misguided or talking out of his botty.

Read more:

Jackson Five 'Could Tour In 2008' – BBC