Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?

But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?

Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.

In an interview set to air on the channel that knows not how to make good telly – ITV1 – Katie Price talks to Piers Morgan and… good god he’s a disgusting weasel of a man.

We mean, she’s bad enough and it isn’t like Peter Andre is much better – the man is a simpleton – but Piers Morgan? Honestly. Whelks have more appealing personalities than that gutterscum. He’s so much of a prat Jeremy Clarkson punched him in the face – when one of the biggest anuses on TV hits you, you know you’re doing something wrong.

Where were we?

Ah yes – so Peter and Katie split up, then there was some ruckus about who gets the kids, when they get them and blah blah blah then some other meticulously-managed PR-shit came about and lo, the two were still featured all over every magazine in the world.

It’s hard to care.

A source said some words which someone took down and eventually got said words to Digital Spy:

“Katie is fed up with the public backlash against her. Unfortunately though, her version of events is rather different to Pete’s.”

Let’s do some scientific-type study here then. Her version of events is probably different because she’s out on the lash all the time, getting her well-worn vagina out for all asunder and making new potholes in the street every time she drunkenly trips up.

Or at least that’s what we’d guess.

Katie Price may be a ridiculous-looking hag of a woman, Peter Andre may be… well – what is he, really? And as for the kids, well, they’re probably going to be messed up when they’re older, let’s be honest.

But Piers Morgan? Why, oh why…

So it is with a heavy heart that even we have to concede that Top Gear is a fantastic TV show. It’s so good even people who aren’t particularly interested in cars like it. For God’s sake, even our mums like it. It’s that good.

In fact, it’s so good, it can even afford to have that annoying, smug, pubic-haired twit Jeremy Clarkson in it – and still be good. It’s that good.

But don’t just take our word for it. Take a look at the show’s best moments and judge for yourselves. And if you have some suggestions of you own, please let us know.

14. Beating the Germans

OK, but beating the Germans should always be enjoyed.

13. Killing a Toyota pick-up

Toyota – the Rasputin of pick-up trucks.

12. Car darts

Darts with cars – brilliant.

11. Crossing The Channel

The only way to cross The Channel.

10. The Ariel Atom

Clarkson becomes even more grotesque than normal.

9. Bugatti Veyron v Eurofighter Typhoon

A car racing a plane? Doesn’t seem like a fair challenge.

8. Football, with cars!

Cars and football – genius!!

7. Richard Hammond’s return

It’s an emotional return for The Hamster after he almost died in a high speed crash. Hankies out.

6. The Top Gear Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics was never this interesting.

5. The car v the tank

We’d all like to shoot Jeremy Clarkson with a tank.

4. The Arctic adventure

Richard Hammond by sled, Jeremy Clarkson and James May by car. Who will win the race to the North Pole? Are we the only people who wished Jeremy Clarkson had frozen to death?

3. The Reliant Robin space shuttle

A Reliant Robin suddenly becomes interesting.

2. Turning a car into a boat

Turning cars into boats! Water a great idea!! Get it?

1. The American road trip

Welcome to the United States. Welcome to TV gold! For the full episode, click below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOyDLUzAAOY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2syY12OPkwI

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But one lucky child claims that Jeremy Clarkson recently made him cry for a whole new reason. Specifically because Jeremy Clarkson screamed “I will hunt you down and rip your fucking head off,” at him.

And all because the boy took a photo of Jeremy Clarkson asleep on a beach. Why did Jeremy Clarkson overreact so furiously to a sleeping picture? Was it because he’s an avowed defender of human rights and privacy laws, or was it because he’s a drooler? He’s a drooler, isn’t he. He certainly looks like one.

Should Jeremy Clarkson suddenly lose his lucrative careers presenting shouty TV show about cars and writing a million near-identical books called things like Jeremy Clarkson: I Don’t Know Why I Bother and Jeremy Clarkson: Pffff, Typical, he’d be perfectly suited for a job as a Dickensian child-catcher.

Actually, that’s a little unfair. Child-catchers usually succeed at catching children by being creepily nice to them and offering them lollipops, whereas Jeremy Clarkson tends to just go mental at kids until they run away crying. He’d be a shit child catcher. We apologise.

Honestly, Jeremy Clarkson is developing a bit of a reputation around children. Not so long ago Jeremy Clarkson got in trouble with police when he picked a a boy up and screamed at him, just because the boy looked at him funny. And now it’s alleged that Clarkson’s been at it again.

According to reports, Jeremy Clarkson recently launched into a foul-mouthed rant at 12-year-old Tom Dickman because he’d used his new camera to take a picture of Jeremy Clarkson asleep on a beach. And Jeremy Clarkson’s response? Well, this:

“Are you the little fucker that took my picture? If you do that again or it goes on the internet I will hunt you down and rip your fucking head off.”

And if it wasn’t bad enough that Tom Dickman was screamed at by an irate man with a perm and a mouth that looks like the results of a terrorist attack on a ceramic factory, the poor boy’s Dad appears to be a tiresome gobby wanker as well, as the Sunday Mirror reports:

Tom ran to his dad Chris in tears. The 37-year-old garage owner, from Hitchin, Herts., said: “I saw it all happen. Tom was a huge fan of Top Gear and Clarkson was his hero. He watched the show every week and even asked me to buy him the DVDs for Christmas and birthdays. Clarkson’s reaction was out of order. He utterly humiliated and scared my son. Who the hell does Clarkson think he is?… I used to think Top Gear was great – but I won’t watch it ever again.”

What with this recent spate of child-scaring, we wouldn’t be surprised if Jeremy Clarkson soon becomes a kind of urban myth for parents who want to stop their kids from misbehaving. Basically a bit like the bogeyman who lives under your bed, except one with a distinct war cry that sounds quite a lot like petty-minded muttering about immigrants and recycling and local governments. Or somthing.

Read more:

Jeremy Clarkson in four-letter rant to boy, 12 – Sunday Mirror

Apparently so. Jeremy Clarkson has been in the middle of a police investigation over an incident that took place last month. Supposedly Jeremy Clarkson got angry with a group of youths outside a Milton Keynes ski-centre, picked one of them up by the scruff of his hoody and verbally threatened him. Honestly, what sort of a world do we live in where packs of abusive teenage would-be happyslappers can't even walk the streets without fearing that gangly, outspoken, badly-dressed, middle-aged motoring broadcasters will pick them up and tell them off any more. Someone should lock this Jeremy Clarkson bastard up.

Jeremy Clarkson is a lot like Shaft in many ways. True, Clarkson isn't a black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks – he's a pube-haired 47-year-old television motorist from Chipping Norton – but we hope you can nevertheless understand that Jeremy Clarkson is still a bad mother, and that we're talking 'bout Jeremy Clarkson, so you can dig it.

Mainly, like Shaft, Jeremy Clarkson is a cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about, and that's especially true if that danger is a third of his age and wearing a hoody. Jeremy Clarkson, you see, has been questioned by police for picking up a Milton Keynes teenage boy who was taunting him.

On November 23 Jeremy Clarkson stepped outside the Xscape sports complex in Milton Keynes, where he'd been celebrating his daughter's birthday, when he was apparently set upon by a gang of cartoonishly surly teenagers. Jeremy Clarkson actually wrote about the incident in his column in The Times, so we'll let him continue:

"I asked them politely to leave me alone. I walked away. I even walked away a bit more. But they kept coming. And so, figuring that attack was probably the best form of defence, I grabbed the ringleader by his hoodie, lifted him off the ground and explained, firmly, that it’d be best if he went back to his tenement… So, weirdly, I was standing there holding this boy by the scruff of his neck, and instead of worrying about being stabbed I was actually thinking: “Jesus, I’m going to get done for assault if I’m not careful.” I therefore put him down, and in a flurry of swearing and hand gestures involving various fingers he was gone."

However, a 14-year-old girl who filmed the incident on her phone contacted police about Jeremy Clarkson's behaviour, and he was later questioned. However, after watching the CCTV footage of the Clarkson hoody-bashing, Thames Valley police have stated that there's no evidence that a crime took place so no further action will be taken, while adding that Jeremy Clarkson was probably the victim, if anything.

God knows we've scoured the internet to try and find the mobile phone video of Jeremy Clarkson picking up the teenager and waggling him around – partly to see if his account is true and partly because it'd be funny to see Jeremy Clarkson all red-faced and indignant – but we can't. Send it in if you stumble across it, by all means.

But now we're in the unusual position of having Jeremy Clarkson – a man who can't even open his mouth without offending homosexuals any more – as a sort of champion of moral justice. Which is weird.

The real tragedy here, of course, is that it happened so late in the year. Had all this taken place in, say, May then Jeremy Clarkson would have had the chance to write nine or ten Christmas cash-in books about the incident and the state of today's youth in general – each with an imperceptibly different picture of Jeremy Clarkson's quizzically disgruntled face on the cover – as well as a DVD called Clarkson's Vigilante Justice consisting of 90 minutes of Jeremy Clarkson angrily booting PSPs out of toddlers' hands while hardcore dubstep ragga music plays in the background.

Well, we'd have bought it. 

Read more:

Jeremy Clarkson Quizzed Over Hoody Row – Times