Civil servants should be very, very worried. Your time is up. You’re about to be killed. Hunted like mongrels and executed before your weeping families. It sounds fanciful, but it is definitely, definitely going to happen.

That’s because the good people of Britain are unable to form opinions of their own, instead, they wait for celebrities to say things so they can be followed out to the letter.

Y’see, supreme leader of men, Jeremy Clarkson has called for all public sector workers to be shot dead in front of their families. He made an impassioned plea via popular chatshow, The One Show.

During his interview, Clarkson was asked what he would do with strikers, he replied:

“I would have them all shot”.

“I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families… I mean how dare they go on strike when they have these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed, while the rest of us have to work for a living.”

With that, twitter exploded in a flurry of activity. Within minutes of his comments, 46 civil servants in Lincolnshire had been rounded up in a public square and culled. The families of the executed were devastated but said to be understanding of the action.

One recent widow cried:

“I loved my wife. I really, really loved her… but Jeremy spoken, and well, we know that everything he says is incredibly grave and serious. We would’ve liked the opportunity to fight our corner, but when Clarkson speaks, there’s no stopping what follows.”

A 20-year-old lady who watched her father being shot through the face by Clarksonites, noted:

“I’m obviously saddened by this, but in time, I’ll remember that everything Jeremy Clarkson says is considered, thought-out infinitely and deadly, deadly serious.”

The cull is set to continue today. All public sector buildings are advised to keep a look-out for marauding individuals wearing double denim and chanting the riff from ‘Black Night’ over and over. This is just like the time Clarkson made all the lorry drivers of the world go on a killing spree of prostitutes.

Stay vigilant folks.

Alex James. Remember when you fancied him? You were cooler than your friends because they all fancied Damon when eyeing up Blur like a sexy meat hamper. Alex James was the dreamboat on bass and oh! How he made you swoon.

Sadly, for The Alex James Fan Club, he’s always been an unbearable peen. We’ve been told first hand by one member of Blur that people have to write his basslines for him and he copies them for live shows.

And of course, these days, he’s an even bigger weapon. He makes cheese and has named some of his children Geronimo, Artemis and Galileo. AND BETTER YET, he likes hanging around with Jeremy Clarkson and David Cameron (see above) AS WELL AS running a festival which has financially crippled a primary school!

The Alex James Fan Club has probably been sticking their collective fingers in their ears for the last few years, desperately trying to avoid the obvious shortcomings of their fave Britpop hunk. However, seeing as most Blur fans from the mid-90s are now in respectable jobs and giving off an air of being a conscientious member of society, they’ll have to try twice as hard to ignore this slop of news.

Remember when James ran something called ‘Harvest’? It was a festival that had food, music and visiting Tories. Alex tottered around in tweed like Lord Snooty’s vaguely eccentric, scruffy cousin and well…

…the festival has abruptly ceased trading according to The Guardian and everyone concerned is now “uncontactable” despite the fact that “tickets for next year’s festival had already been sold.”

The Alex James Presents Harvest website offers no information about refunds and the former Fat Les’er isn’t keen to talk about it to anyone.

His publicist is similarly quiet, although, they will tell you about his new mozzarella and the “foodio” he’s building so he can think about cheese. But maybe Alex is just busy, right? Yep. Busy talking about his line of cheese at Asda, which he recently crowed about, saying:

“It’s generated something like £2m worth of publicity! It even made the New York Times! But I suppose that’s what I set out to do.”

So far, so boring business. But what about the local primary school he’s shafting?

The local school, Kingham primary, organises its own annual music festival. Alex James used their contacts book and the school duly provided him with entertainment. However, now the festival has gone belly up, this little school is out of pocket.

Headteacher Ed Read told the Cotswold Journal that it was owed £7,000 for the entertainment it organised.

“There are 200 children at this state school who rely on that money. It’s going to have a huge impact. With the national austerity measures, budgets in schools have been reduced. Our music teacher is paid largely by the music festival we do ourselves. We are either going to have to lose the music teacher, or take it from other budgets which will reduce other parts of the curriculum.”

So there you have it. As we stand, Alex James is not only an irritating tit, but one that could well lose someone their job and bugger up a load of children’s schooling.

We should’ve known really, afterall, he was in a band called MeMeMe.

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You know Thingummy Chops? That fella who could drive cars really fast? Him who was The Stig for a few years? Yeah. Him. He’s called Ben SomethingOrOther. No. We don’t care either. Well, Mr Whatsit is moaning and complaining about the BBC and the people at Top Gear because they paid him to drive a car and asked him not to ruin the secret of Christmas.

The Man Who Played The Stig, who will now be referred to as ‘The Man Who Played The Stig’ is being a whiny bitch because the Top Gear folks are being nasty to him. Rather amusingly, they’ve likened The Man Who Played The Stig to a Dalek and a Blue Peter dog.

You would’ve thought that, after all these years, he would’ve learned that the Top Gear team aren’t known for being overly sensitive about… well… anyone on Earth.

In his first (and quite possibly last) interview since the BBC failed to block his memoir, That Stig Bloke has accused the BBC of hypocrisy because they first revealed his identity.

The driver told the Sun today that the BBC was took him for granted:

“People seemed to have got used to me doing a stunt or slide brilliantly. If you do it right they look easy, but they’re not. Yet Andy [Wilman, Top Gear executive producer] has since said I was the same as a Dalek or the Blue Peter dog. With respect to the Dalek operators, I don’t think it’s quite the same thing and I thought I could leave with more respect than that.”

In all due respect, there’s probably a good number of former racing-drivers out there with loads of time on their hands who would kill to be paid to appear on one of television’s biggest shows and do a slide, brilliantly. No?

He continued, melodramatically:

“It is a travesty that a state-funded broadcaster gagged my free speech. It was hypocritical to suggest I’d done any more to reveal myself than they had.”

Here, he’s referring to the fact that the Radio Times (part of BBC Worldwide) speculated about the Stig’s identity and his name was one of the published possibilities.

“I was astonished. I was being outed by the very people I worked for. Yet I knew nothing about it. It caused a huge question over whether I was viable any more.”

“It was becoming clear that it was either jump or be pushed. Last Christmas I began writing my book.”

Sounds like someone needs to call a Waaaaahmbulance for The Fella Who Drove Cars In Disguise On Top Gear For A Bit. Seriously, he needs to man up. If you hang around with pricks like Top Gear, they’re going to treat you like a prick when you ruffle their feathers.

Anyway, the BBC have made a statement which says:

“Today’s interview appears in a newspaper that is owned by the same company that is publishing Ben’s book. It seems to have been designed simply to attempt to generate further sales.

“The BBC categorically refutes any accusations of bullying. Once Ben informed the BBC of his intentions, he was reminded of his confidentiality obligations and it was made clear to him that if he went ahead with the book, he would not be able to remain in his role.”

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We’ve been playing it coy and cool for the last few weeks because we’ve been sitting on a story so big that we assumed it must be a massive, outrageous lie. We still can’t quite believe what we’re about to announce.

The crux of the matter is that we’ve known the person behind the helmet of Top Gear’s new Stig. The BBC have threatened us with legal action should we reveal the identity of the new driver, but as Ben Whateverhemightbecalled proved, the BBC cannot suppress this information.

Of course, like Santa Claus or Jesus Christ Our Lord, it’s more fun to believe in the myth rather than find out the boring truth. As such, we’ll give no information until you get over the jump. If you want to find out who the new Stig is, please read more.

The announcing of a new Stig is timed with the departure of a infamous media node within these very walls and we can exclusively reveal that the new ‘mystery driver’ on the show will be our soon to depart editor, Stuart Heritage.

As you can see from this leaked mobile phone photo, the moment when Heritage met Richard Hammond for the first time is captured for all to see.

Stuart will be departing Hecklerspray at the end of the week, with the customary parting gift of a P45 and a £10 voucher for the now defunct Andy’s Records.

We wish him all the best in his new role and we hope that this revelation will not see him fired from Top Gear like that last guy who got fired.

Stuart said:

“I’ve loved writing for Hecklerspray all these years. Five, long, gruelling, miserable years. I really have. Remember that story about Alan Davies biting a tramp? Salad days bruv. Salad days. However, when the Beeb came knocking on the door, having seen my punditry work on Sky News, they told me I was the perfect stature to sit in a car and drive it at death-inducing speeds. How could I say no?”

He added:

“The said that my face was perfect for the role of The Stig and they couldn’t wait to stick a racing helmet on my head. They were so eager and excited that until I placed the infamous mask on, the producers of the show spent their time pointing at my head whilst dry-heaving.”

Let us just hope that the producers of the programme don’t discover that Stuart is currently only in possession of a provisional driving license which already has three points on it after he careless mowed down a cyclist by the name of Mr. B. Johnson.

Here’s a clip of our Stu’s first car test, due to be shown on the first episode of the new Top Gear series, due in the autumn of 2011.

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People were up in arms about The Stig’s unmasking being considered newsworthy. So, of course, this article is dedicated to those people in an attempt to wind them up to the point where they grind their teeth into dust.

Of course, you’ll be more than aware of the fact that Some Bloke told the world that he was The Stig. If you really want to know his name before you forget it for the rest of your life, he’s called Ben. Ben Collins. He can drive cars really fast.

Or at least he used to because Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he’s been handed his P45 after his little court battle with the BBC.

Thanks to all this, the world will spin the wrong way on its axis as Clarkson announced that the show’s format will change after The Stig outed himself. Imagine that. A TV show doing things slightly differently than it once did. Trying to process that notion is making us collectively feel like we’re coming down off bad drugs.

Clarkson said:

“He is history as far as we are concerned, he is sacked.”

“It was a shock. I was hurt, actually, because I liked him and he came around to my house and had drinks and all the time he was writing a book, so I feel a bit hurt.”

So what’s next? Well, apart from Ben Whatshisface wondering whether his book was worth it and whether he should’ve given up such a well-paid and prestigious job, Clarkson said that Top Gear won’t be short of options.

“We’ve many, many thousands of people queuing up to be whatever it is that we create.”

“I have spent the last three weeks doing nothing but trying to figure out what we will do instead. We will get somebody. Top Gear is damaged but not out.”

So there you have it. Earth shattering stuff. Jeremy Clarkson feels hurt and Ben Thingy will now sit at home, alone, dressed in a boiler suit with a pan on his head, making the sound of shrieking tyres and shouting the word ‘Gambon’ over and over until he finally ends his life with a hose attached to the exhaust of his Toyota Prius.

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You’ve got to hand it to us Brits haven’t you? We certainly know where our preferences lie and what key issues are the most important in determining the outcome of our lives.

Or whatever makes the trending topics on Twitter. Forget the plight of some Chilean miners stuck down a hole or the flooding in Pakistan.

WE KNOW WHO THE STIG IS, SO WE CAN CROWD AROUND HIM IN SHOPPING CENTRES AND ASK WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DRIVE FAST CARS WHICH GO BRUMMMMMMMMMM BRUMMMMMMMMMM.

The Stig, who’s that then? Petrolheads everywhere bow down to the fourth member of BBC’s Top Gear, as he was the once anonymous character paid to drive cars round a track to unfunny narration from Jeremy Clarkson. Supposedly, the secret of The Stig’s identity was never meant to be revealed, but a court injunction from the High Court has allowed an autobiography to be published by a bloke who drives cars in a mask.

The formula for Top Gear is very basic. It’s presented by ringleader Jeremy Clarkson, with help from James May and Richard Hammond, collectively known as the three musketeers of the mid-life crisis. Each spouting overgrown hair and wearing ill-fitting clothes, the trio shout and emphasise each word as they entice the studio audience into watching the same rehashed footage of cars zooming round a track, cars being slagged off, cars being praised, cars being blown up and cars being priced so highly you’d wish you’d starting saving for one whilst you were in the womb.

So just who is The Stig? Well take a deep breath – he is apparently racing driver Ben Collins. No, us neither. We have no idea who he is and won’t be searching Wikipedia for his tampered biography page. Exciting stuff or what? The Telegraph reports:

“The High Court has refused to ban a book which reveals that Top Gear’s The Stig is racing driver Ben Collins. After more than a day of legal argument in private, Mr Justice Morgan said he would not grant the BBC a temporary injunction blocking publication of Mr Collins’s autobiography.”

But before you start to create an effigy of Ben Collins, it seems that if you used basic detective skills, then the identity of The Stig wasn’t quite as top secret as the secret recipe used by Colonel Sanders in his greasy chicken. Reporting further, The Telegraph says:

“It was widely reported that The Stig was Mr Collins after his company’s financial reports listed Top Gear among its work.”

How will the producers of Top Gear react? Will they bloke up The Stig and nickname him The Stag? Thus widening the appeal to the shows alpha male audience? Or will the simply hire someone else and threaten to attach his testicles to a car battery if identities of future Stigs are breached?

Probably the latter if Jeremy Clarkson gets his way.

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There are some moves people will make to maintain credibility, and there are some moves which end up being quite misinformed.

Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?

But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?

Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.

In an interview set to air on the channel that knows not how to make good telly – ITV1 – Katie Price talks to Piers Morgan and… good god he’s a disgusting weasel of a man.

We mean, she’s bad enough and it isn’t like Peter Andre is much better – the man is a simpleton – but Piers Morgan? Honestly. Whelks have more appealing personalities than that gutterscum. He’s so much of a prat Jeremy Clarkson punched him in the face – when one of the biggest anuses on TV hits you, you know you’re doing something wrong.

Where were we?

Ah yes – so Peter and Katie split up, then there was some ruckus about who gets the kids, when they get them and blah blah blah then some other meticulously-managed PR-shit came about and lo, the two were still featured all over every magazine in the world.

It’s hard to care.

A source said some words which someone took down and eventually got said words to Digital Spy:

“Katie is fed up with the public backlash against her. Unfortunately though, her version of events is rather different to Pete’s.”

Let’s do some scientific-type study here then. Her version of events is probably different because she’s out on the lash all the time, getting her well-worn vagina out for all asunder and making new potholes in the street every time she drunkenly trips up.

Or at least that’s what we’d guess.

Katie Price may be a ridiculous-looking hag of a woman, Peter Andre may be… well – what is he, really? And as for the kids, well, they’re probably going to be messed up when they’re older, let’s be honest.

But Piers Morgan? Why, oh why…

Now, here at Hecklerspray sometimes even we have to hold our hands up and give begrudging praise where it is due.

So it is with a heavy heart that even we have to concede that Top Gear is a fantastic TV show. It’s so good even people who aren’t particularly interested in cars like it. For God’s sake, even our mums like it. It’s that good.

In fact, it’s so good, it can even afford to have that annoying, smug, pubic-haired twit Jeremy Clarkson in it – and still be good. It’s that good.

But don’t just take our word for it. Take a look at the show’s best moments and judge for yourselves. And if you have some suggestions of you own, please let us know.

14. Beating the Germans

OK, but beating the Germans should always be enjoyed.

13. Killing a Toyota pick-up

Toyota – the Rasputin of pick-up trucks.

12. Car darts

Darts with cars – brilliant.

11. Crossing The Channel

The only way to cross The Channel.

10. The Ariel Atom

Clarkson becomes even more grotesque than normal.

9. Bugatti Veyron v Eurofighter Typhoon

A car racing a plane? Doesn’t seem like a fair challenge.

8. Football, with cars!

Cars and football – genius!!

7. Richard Hammond’s return

It’s an emotional return for The Hamster after he almost died in a high speed crash. Hankies out.

6. The Top Gear Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics was never this interesting.

5. The car v the tank

We’d all like to shoot Jeremy Clarkson with a tank.

4. The Arctic adventure

Richard Hammond by sled, Jeremy Clarkson and James May by car. Who will win the race to the North Pole? Are we the only people who wished Jeremy Clarkson had frozen to death?

3. The Reliant Robin space shuttle

A Reliant Robin suddenly becomes interesting.

2. Turning a car into a boat

Turning cars into boats! Water a great idea!! Get it?

1. The American road trip

Welcome to the United States. Welcome to TV gold! For the full episode, click below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOyDLUzAAOY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2syY12OPkwI

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It’s nothing new for Jeremy Clarkson to make children cry – in fact parents often use images of Clarkson’s hair and wardrobe choices to scare their children into paying attention at school.

But one lucky child claims that Jeremy Clarkson recently made him cry for a whole new reason. Specifically because Jeremy Clarkson screamed “I will hunt you down and rip your fucking head off,” at him.

And all because the boy took a photo of Jeremy Clarkson asleep on a beach. Why did Jeremy Clarkson overreact so furiously to a sleeping picture? Was it because he’s an avowed defender of human rights and privacy laws, or was it because he’s a drooler? He’s a drooler, isn’t he. He certainly looks like one.

Should Jeremy Clarkson suddenly lose his lucrative careers presenting shouty TV show about cars and writing a million near-identical books called things like Jeremy Clarkson: I Don’t Know Why I Bother and Jeremy Clarkson: Pffff, Typical, he’d be perfectly suited for a job as a Dickensian child-catcher.

Actually, that’s a little unfair. Child-catchers usually succeed at catching children by being creepily nice to them and offering them lollipops, whereas Jeremy Clarkson tends to just go mental at kids until they run away crying. He’d be a shit child catcher. We apologise.

Honestly, Jeremy Clarkson is developing a bit of a reputation around children. Not so long ago Jeremy Clarkson got in trouble with police when he picked a a boy up and screamed at him, just because the boy looked at him funny. And now it’s alleged that Clarkson’s been at it again.

According to reports, Jeremy Clarkson recently launched into a foul-mouthed rant at 12-year-old Tom Dickman because he’d used his new camera to take a picture of Jeremy Clarkson asleep on a beach. And Jeremy Clarkson’s response? Well, this:

“Are you the little fucker that took my picture? If you do that again or it goes on the internet I will hunt you down and rip your fucking head off.”

And if it wasn’t bad enough that Tom Dickman was screamed at by an irate man with a perm and a mouth that looks like the results of a terrorist attack on a ceramic factory, the poor boy’s Dad appears to be a tiresome gobby wanker as well, as the Sunday Mirror reports:

Tom ran to his dad Chris in tears. The 37-year-old garage owner, from Hitchin, Herts., said: “I saw it all happen. Tom was a huge fan of Top Gear and Clarkson was his hero. He watched the show every week and even asked me to buy him the DVDs for Christmas and birthdays. Clarkson’s reaction was out of order. He utterly humiliated and scared my son. Who the hell does Clarkson think he is?… I used to think Top Gear was great – but I won’t watch it ever again.”

What with this recent spate of child-scaring, we wouldn’t be surprised if Jeremy Clarkson soon becomes a kind of urban myth for parents who want to stop their kids from misbehaving. Basically a bit like the bogeyman who lives under your bed, except one with a distinct war cry that sounds quite a lot like petty-minded muttering about immigrants and recycling and local governments. Or somthing.

Read more:

Jeremy Clarkson in four-letter rant to boy, 12 – Sunday Mirror

There are several things that you'd expect Jeremy Clarkson to be be questioned by police about – crimes related to dentistry and fashion, for example – but lifting a teenage hoodlum off the ground by his hoody?

Apparently so. Jeremy Clarkson has been in the middle of a police investigation over an incident that took place last month. Supposedly Jeremy Clarkson got angry with a group of youths outside a Milton Keynes ski-centre, picked one of them up by the scruff of his hoody and verbally threatened him. Honestly, what sort of a world do we live in where packs of abusive teenage would-be happyslappers can't even walk the streets without fearing that gangly, outspoken, badly-dressed, middle-aged motoring broadcasters will pick them up and tell them off any more. Someone should lock this Jeremy Clarkson bastard up.

Jeremy Clarkson is a lot like Shaft in many ways. True, Clarkson isn't a black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks – he's a pube-haired 47-year-old television motorist from Chipping Norton – but we hope you can nevertheless understand that Jeremy Clarkson is still a bad mother, and that we're talking 'bout Jeremy Clarkson, so you can dig it.

Mainly, like Shaft, Jeremy Clarkson is a cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about, and that's especially true if that danger is a third of his age and wearing a hoody. Jeremy Clarkson, you see, has been questioned by police for picking up a Milton Keynes teenage boy who was taunting him.

On November 23 Jeremy Clarkson stepped outside the Xscape sports complex in Milton Keynes, where he'd been celebrating his daughter's birthday, when he was apparently set upon by a gang of cartoonishly surly teenagers. Jeremy Clarkson actually wrote about the incident in his column in The Times, so we'll let him continue:

"I asked them politely to leave me alone. I walked away. I even walked away a bit more. But they kept coming. And so, figuring that attack was probably the best form of defence, I grabbed the ringleader by his hoodie, lifted him off the ground and explained, firmly, that it’d be best if he went back to his tenement… So, weirdly, I was standing there holding this boy by the scruff of his neck, and instead of worrying about being stabbed I was actually thinking: “Jesus, I’m going to get done for assault if I’m not careful.” I therefore put him down, and in a flurry of swearing and hand gestures involving various fingers he was gone."

However, a 14-year-old girl who filmed the incident on her phone contacted police about Jeremy Clarkson's behaviour, and he was later questioned. However, after watching the CCTV footage of the Clarkson hoody-bashing, Thames Valley police have stated that there's no evidence that a crime took place so no further action will be taken, while adding that Jeremy Clarkson was probably the victim, if anything.

God knows we've scoured the internet to try and find the mobile phone video of Jeremy Clarkson picking up the teenager and waggling him around – partly to see if his account is true and partly because it'd be funny to see Jeremy Clarkson all red-faced and indignant – but we can't. Send it in if you stumble across it, by all means.

But now we're in the unusual position of having Jeremy Clarkson – a man who can't even open his mouth without offending homosexuals any more – as a sort of champion of moral justice. Which is weird.

The real tragedy here, of course, is that it happened so late in the year. Had all this taken place in, say, May then Jeremy Clarkson would have had the chance to write nine or ten Christmas cash-in books about the incident and the state of today's youth in general – each with an imperceptibly different picture of Jeremy Clarkson's quizzically disgruntled face on the cover – as well as a DVD called Clarkson's Vigilante Justice consisting of 90 minutes of Jeremy Clarkson angrily booting PSPs out of toddlers' hands while hardcore dubstep ragga music plays in the background.

Well, we'd have bought it. 

Read more:

Jeremy Clarkson Quizzed Over Hoody Row – Times