Civil servants should be very, very worried. Your time is up. You’re about to be killed. Hunted like mongrels and executed before your weeping families. It sounds fanciful, but it is definitely, definitely going to happen.
That’s because the good people of Britain are unable to form opinions of their own, instead, they wait for celebrities to say things so they can be followed out to the letter.
Y’see, supreme leader of men, Jeremy Clarkson has called for all public sector workers to be shot dead in front of their families. He made an impassioned plea via popular chatshow, The One Show.
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Alex James. Remember when you fancied him? You were cooler than your friends because they all fancied Damon when eyeing up Blur like a sexy meat hamper. Alex James was the dreamboat on bass and oh! How he made you swoon.
Sadly, for The Alex James Fan Club, he’s always been an unbearable peen. We’ve been told first hand by one member of Blur that people have to write his basslines for him and he copies them for live shows.
And of course, these days, he’s an even bigger weapon. He makes cheese and has named some of his children Geronimo, Artemis and Galileo. AND BETTER YET, he likes hanging around with Jeremy Clarkson and David Cameron (see above) AS WELL AS running a festival which has financially crippled a primary school!
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You know Thingummy Chops? That fella who could drive cars really fast? Him who was The Stig for a few years? Yeah. Him. He’s called Ben SomethingOrOther. No. We don’t care either. Well, Mr Whatsit is moaning and complaining about the BBC and the people at Top Gear because they paid him to drive a car and asked him not to ruin the secret of Christmas.
The Man Who Played The Stig, who will now be referred to as ‘The Man Who Played The Stig’ is being a whiny bitch because the Top Gear folks are being nasty to him. Rather amusingly, they’ve likened The Man Who Played The Stig to a Dalek and a Blue Peter dog.
You would’ve thought that, after all these years, he would’ve learned that the Top Gear team aren’t known for being overly sensitive about… well… anyone on Earth. Read More >>>
We’ve been playing it coy and cool for the last few weeks because we’ve been sitting on a story so big that we assumed it must be a massive, outrageous lie. We still can’t quite believe what we’re about to announce.
The crux of the matter is that we’ve known the person behind the helmet of Top Gear’s new Stig. The BBC have threatened us with legal action should we reveal the identity of the new driver, but as Ben Whateverhemightbecalled proved, the BBC cannot suppress this information.
Of course, like Santa Claus or Jesus Christ Our Lord, it’s more fun to believe in the myth rather than find out the boring truth. As such, we’ll give no information until you get over the jump. If you want to find out who the new Stig is, please read more. Read More >>>
People were up in arms about The Stig’s unmasking being considered newsworthy. So, of course, this article is dedicated to those people in an attempt to wind them up to the point where they grind their teeth into dust.
Of course, you’ll be more than aware of the fact that Some Bloke told the world that he was The Stig. If you really want to know his name before you forget it for the rest of your life, he’s called Ben. Ben Collins. He can drive cars really fast.
Or at least he used to because Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he’s been handed his P45 after his little court battle with the BBC.
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You’ve got to hand it to us Brits haven’t you? We certainly know where our preferences lie and what key issues are the most important in determining the outcome of our lives.
Or whatever makes the trending topics on Twitter. Forget the plight of some Chilean miners stuck down a hole or the flooding in Pakistan.
WE KNOW WHO THE STIG IS, SO WE CAN CROWD AROUND HIM IN SHOPPING CENTRES AND ASK WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DRIVE FAST CARS WHICH GO BRUMMMMMMMMMM BRUMMMMMMMMMM.
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There are some moves people will make to maintain credibility, and there are some moves which end up being quite misinformed.
Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?
But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?
Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.
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Now, here at Hecklerspray sometimes even we have to hold our hands up and give begrudging praise where it is due.
So it is with a heavy heart that even we have to concede that Top Gear is a fantastic TV show. It’s so good even people who aren’t particularly interested in cars like it. For God’s sake, even our mums like it. It’s that good.
In fact, it’s so good, it can even afford to have that annoying, smug, pubic-haired twit Jeremy Clarkson in it – and still be good. It’s that good.
But don’t just take our word for it. Take a look at the show’s best moments and judge for yourselves. And if you have some suggestions of you own, please let us know.
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