Jeremy Clarkson - HecklerSpray

Execution Of Civil Servants Imminent After Jeremy Clarkson’s Call To Arms

December 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Civil servants should be very, very worried. Your time is up. You’re about to be killed. Hunted like mongrels and executed before your weeping families. It sounds fanciful, but it is definitely, definitely going to happen.

That’s because the good people of Britain are unable to form opinions of their own, instead, they wait for celebrities to say things so they can be followed out to the letter.

Y’see, supreme leader of men, Jeremy Clarkson has called for all public sector workers to be shot dead in front of their families. He made an impassioned plea via popular chatshow, The One Show.

Blur’s Alex James Hates Music Teachers And Primary Schools

November 4th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Alex James. Remember when you fancied him? You were cooler than your friends because they all fancied Damon when eyeing up Blur like a sexy meat hamper. Alex James was the dreamboat on bass and oh! How he made you swoon.

Sadly, for The Alex James Fan Club, he’s always been an unbearable peen. We’ve been told first hand by one member of Blur that people have to write his basslines for him and he copies them for live shows.

And of course, these days, he’s an even bigger weapon. He makes cheese and has named some of his children Geronimo, Artemis and Galileo. AND BETTER YET, he likes hanging around with Jeremy Clarkson and David Cameron (see above) AS WELL AS running a festival which has financially crippled a primary school!

Top Gear’s The Stig Goes On The Whine Offensive At The BBC

September 10th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

You know Thingummy Chops? That fella who could drive cars really fast? Him who was The Stig for a few years? Yeah. Him. He’s called Ben SomethingOrOther. No. We don’t care either. Well, Mr Whatsit is moaning and complaining about the BBC and the people at Top Gear because they paid him to drive a car and asked him not to ruin the secret of Christmas.

The Man Who Played The Stig, who will now be referred to as ‘The Man Who Played The Stig’ is being a whiny bitch because the Top Gear folks are being nasty to him. Rather amusingly, they’ve likened The Man Who Played The Stig to a Dalek and a Blue Peter dog.

You would’ve thought that, after all these years, he would’ve learned that the Top Gear team aren’t known for being overly sensitive about… well… anyone on Earth.

Exclusive! Identity Revealed Of New Top Gear Stig

September 8th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

We’ve been playing it coy and cool for the last few weeks because we’ve been sitting on a story so big that we assumed it must be a massive, outrageous lie. We still can’t quite believe what we’re about to announce.

The crux of the matter is that we’ve known the person behind the helmet of Top Gear’s new Stig. The BBC have threatened us with legal action should we reveal the identity of the new driver, but as Ben Whateverhemightbecalled proved, the BBC cannot suppress this information.

Of course, like Santa Claus or Jesus Christ Our Lord, it’s more fun to believe in the myth rather than find out the boring truth. As such, we’ll give no information until you get over the jump. If you want to find out who the new Stig is, please read more.

Top Gear’s The Stig Has Been Fired Says Jeremy Clarkson Before Presumably Getting New Stig

September 8th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

People were up in arms about The Stig’s unmasking being considered newsworthy. So, of course, this article is dedicated to those people in an attempt to wind them up to the point where they grind their teeth into dust.

Of course, you’ll be more than aware of the fact that Some Bloke told the world that he was The Stig. If you really want to know his name before you forget it for the rest of your life, he’s called Ben. Ben Collins. He can drive cars really fast.

Or at least he used to because Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he’s been handed his P45 after his little court battle with the BBC.

The Stig Pulls Off His Helmet, Every Other Problem With The World Rattles On

September 1st, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

You've got to hand it to us Brits haven't you? We certainly know where our preferences lie and what key issues are the most important in determining the outcome of our lives.

Or whatever makes the trending topics on Twitter. Forget the plight of some Chilean miners stuck down a hole or the flooding in Pakistan.

WE KNOW WHO THE STIG IS, SO WE CAN CROWD AROUND HIM IN SHOPPING CENTRES AND ASK WHAT IT?S LIKE TO DRIVE FAST CARS WHICH GO BRUMMMMMMMMMM BRUMMMMMMMMMM.

Katie Price And Piers Morgan: A Perfect Reason To Blow Up Your TV!

July 10th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

There are some moves people will make to maintain credibility, and there are some moves which end up being quite misinformed.

Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?

But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?

Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.

Top 14 Top Gear Moments

September 20th, 2012 By David Schwartz

Now, here at Hecklerspray sometimes even we have to hold our hands up and give begrudging praise where it is due.

So it is with a heavy heart that even we have to concede that Top Gear is a fantastic TV show. It’s so good even people who aren’t particularly interested in cars like it. For God’s sake, even our mums like it. It’s that good.

In fact, it’s so good, it can even afford to have that annoying, smug, pubic-haired twit Jeremy Clarkson in it – and still be good. It’s that good.

But don’t just take our word for it. Take a look at the show’s best moments and judge for yourselves. And if you have some suggestions of you own, please let us know.

Jeremy Clarkson ‘Goes Berserk At Crying Child’

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s nothing new for Jeremy Clarkson to make children cry – in fact parents often use images of Clarkson’s hair and wardrobe choices to scare their children into paying attention at school.

But one lucky child claims that Jeremy Clarkson recently made him cry for a whole new reason. Specifically because Jeremy Clarkson screamed “I will hunt you down and rip your fucking head off,” at him.

And all because the boy took a photo of Jeremy Clarkson asleep on a beach. Why did Jeremy Clarkson overreact so furiously to a sleeping picture? Was it because he’s an avowed defender of human rights and privacy laws, or was it because he’s a drooler? He’s a drooler, isn’t he. He certainly looks like one.

Jeremy Clarkson: Badass Hoody-Basher

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There are several things that you'd expect Jeremy Clarkson to be be questioned by police about – crimes related to dentistry and fashion, for example – but lifting a teenage hoodlum off the ground by his hoody?

Apparently so. Jeremy Clarkson has been in the middle of a police investigation over an incident that took place last month. Supposedly Jeremy Clarkson got angry with a group of youths outside a Milton Keynes ski-centre, picked one of them up by the scruff of his hoody and verbally threatened him. Honestly, what sort of a world do we live in where packs of abusive teenage would-be happyslappers can't even walk the streets without fearing that gangly, outspoken, badly-dressed, middle-aged motoring broadcasters will pick them up and tell them off any more. Someone should lock this Jeremy Clarkson bastard up.