We didn’t see either of those two coming – we wouldn’t have predicted Jennifer’s eviction despite her gigantic unpopularity, and even though the arrival of the three new housemates had been widely reported for ages all over the place, we just didn’t expect that either. What major surprise is next? Will Mario say something that’s kind of dickish? Who knows?

We’ll be discussing the new Big Brother housemates over the course of this week’s betting odds, so we’d better get going – here are the Big Brother betting odds for Rebecca, Lisa, Maysoon, Mohamed and Stuart, with help from Paddy Power…

Rebecca – Rebecca apparently considers herself to be an ‘exhibitionist’, which is a polite way of saying that she gets her tits out and shrieks a lot. But over the last week in the Big Brother house, Rebecca has tipped over from ‘exhibitionist’ to ‘flat-out shitbag’. She’s smashed stuff, she’s chopped up people’s clothes and she’s screamed abuse at anyone who’s happened to stumble into her line of sight – all in the slightly moronic belief that it’s entertaining. And it’s clearly worked, which is why Big Brother housemates and viewers alike are desperate to evict Rebecca at the first possible opportunity. Her inevitable eviction will be bittersweet, though – true, we won’t have to listen to her deafening squawking for an hour every day, but she’ll almost definitely have her norks out in Nuts within a fortnight. Yeesh. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Lisa – Why are Lisa’s Big Brother betting odds always so terrible? We honestly can’t understand it – more than anyone, Lisa is like the Big Brother mother figure this year, and nobody seems to dislike her. And yet for some reason she doesn’t stand a hope in hell of winning Big Brother. Why is this? Is it because we as a society are systematically rejecting matriarchs as a sort of subconscious response to the current economic climate? Or is it because she’s got giant hands and actually shaves her own face? Yeah, it’s probably that. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Maysoon – Disappointed. We were promised that one of the new Big Brother girls would be the star of a famous advert. We were absolutely certain that she’d be the little dead kid from the ‘If you hit me at 40mph’ road safety adverts, but no. Instead we got Maysoon, an exhausted-looking girl who’s apparently been in a Lynx advert. We don’t think we’ve seen that particular advert because we’re sure if we’d seen Maysoon we’d have sat bolt upright and declared “Goodness! What’s an unusually tired-looking girl like that doing in a commercial for schoolboy deodorant?” Anyway, everyone hates Maysoon because, in her Big Brother intro tape, she only talked about how pretty she was, which is a) not very clever and b) not very true. Current Big Brother betting odds – 50/1

Mohamed – When Big Brother housemates survive evictions, it tends to affect their self-confidence. Bolstered by the knowledge that people actually like them, they develop a kind of cocky bulletproof swagger. Not Mohamed though. Since he was saved from Big Brother eviction a week and a bit ago, Mohamed has slowly retreated into his shell, to the point where he literally hasn’t done a single thing of any worth for a day or two now. He might have his eye on new Australian Angelina Jolie Big Brother housemate, so it’ll be fun watching him get spectacularly shot to pieces, but other than that it looks as though Mohamed is settling in for a long stint at the head-down factory. Which should be fun. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Stuart – Forget threatening to kill fellow Big Brother housemates or spitting in their faces, if there’s one thing that Big Brother should remove housemates for it should be quoting John Lennon songs in a hamfisted effort to get into a girl’s knickers. It’s been scientifically proven that anyone who didn’t growl “Oh fuck off you bright orange dickwipe” when Stuart sighed “All you need is love: John Lennon” to Jennifer last week no longer qualifies as human. Stuart is clearly a prize bellend and he deserves some sort of superficial temporary mutilation for that alone, but we’re willing to forgive him if he starts to exclusively express himself via the medium of John Lennon song titles. And we might even vote for him if he manages to interrupt a conversation with an oversincere, pseudo-profound “Woman is the nigger of the world: John Lennon.” Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Sara, Belinda, Mario and Rachel. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Honestly, you know you’re in trouble when the most exciting things to happen in the Big Brother house are Dale being a bit sad because a girl doesn’t like him and Rebecca not being able to go more than five or six seconds without flopping her sweaty hooters out. Big Brother’s so much more fun when they’re all trying to kill each other. Still, there’s always next week.

So here are the Big Brother betting odds for Jennifer’s eviction, with help from Paddy Power…

Jennifer – No! No you idiots, don’t vote Jennifer out! Look, we know it’s probably too late and that Jennifer’s Big Brother eviction was probably sealed the instant that the nominations were announced, but getting rid of Jennifer would be a travesty. Here’s why – Jennifer’s an arsehole. A nasty-minded, spiteful arsehole with a toweringly unrealistic opinion of herself, the kind of arsehole who’d ditch her own baby to take part in reality TV show. There is literally not a single good thing to be said about Jennifer at all. And that’s why we need to keep her in the Big Brother house, at least until Big Brother gets its act together and replaces Dennis with a couple of gorgeous leggy tit models who’ll steal Dale and Stuart away from her and leave her all lonely and upset. Wouldn’t that be entertaining? Wouldn’t it? Of course it would. But, no, you go ahead and vote Jennifer out tonight. You know best. Current Big Brother betting odds – 1/25

Next week: Big Brother betting odds to win again. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Why? Because Sylvia, the Sierra Leone civil war refugee who obviously wanted to hump everything that moved, was evicted from Big Brother on Friday night.

And since the eviction came hours after Dennis, the obnoxious Scottish gay one, was removed from the house for spitting in Mohamed’s face, the atmosphere between the Big Brother campers is as poisonous as it’s ever been. But, lord, emotional trauma is so entertaining.

So who’ll win Big Brother? Here are our Big Brother betting odds to win for Lisa, Jennifer, Stuart and Dale, with help from Paddy Power…

Lisa – Interesting that, of all the honking self-interested shitbags in the Big Brother house this year, it’s Lisa who’s been deemed least likely to win. Why’s that? Our only guess is that it’s because whenever there’s an argument anywhere in the house, you know it’s a matter of time before Lisa ploughs into the middle of it. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except that Lisa’s voice is so simultaneously booming and shrill that dentists could use it to remotely dislodge tartar. Plus, as we’ve said before, we’re pretty sure the sight of Lisa kissing Mario with tongues more or less instantly sterilised us. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Jennifer – Meanwhile, Jennifer might have just become our least favourite Big Brother housemate of the year. To be fair, she was getting there already because of the way that a) when she talks she looks exactly like a grass-chewing cow and b) she’s clearly a bit of a slag, but after last Thursday’s argument that led to Dennis’ removal from the Big Brother house, she’s front and centre. It’s not so much because she cried when Rex smudged her rubbish drawing; more because she cried for about three hours about it and started saying things like “You wouldn’t be allowed to do that in an art gallery.” Which is true, you wouldn’t be allowed to do that in an art gallery, but that’s because art galleries are full of art and not creatively invalid, woefully-deformed doodles of what appear to be a pile of logs with nipples and a face. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Stuart – For a week we thought there was nothing to Stuart other than a six pack and a hopelessly mis-informed make-up job. But how wrong we were – it turns out that there’s actually a six pack, a hopelessly misinformed make-up job and quite a nasty temper, as demonstrated during Thursday night’s Big Brother argument. It’s one thing to get aggressive, but quite another to get aggressive because a boy accidentally touched a girl’s drawing and ever so slightly smudged it. That little outburst has seen Stuart labelled as a bully, and his Big Brother betting odds have taken a tumble as a result. Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Dale – Of course, compared to Dale, Stuart looks like Archbishop Desmond Tutu. That’s because, while Stuart lost his temper during Thursday’s argument, Dale had the kind of gibbering violent meltdown we’ve only really seen monkeys  do during the first scene of 28 Days Later. He looked like he was going to attack Rex. Then he looked like he was going to attack Mohamed. Then he almost attacked Mohamed again the following day – if this keeps up then Dale will be removed from the Big Brother house long before he gets the chance to be evicted. Still, though..  thick as shit, emotionally unstable, constantly on the verge of lashing out and hurting somebody – at least Dale’s going to make a model PE teacher. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Rex, Mario, Rebecca and Mohamed. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Oh, we’re just kidding – thanks to the delight of catch-up on demand TV we’re all up to date on the Big Brother shenanigans. There was a mouthy woman who got kicked out, a smug orange man who got put in as her replacement and literally nothing else. Simple. But it’s the start of a new week, and that means it’s time for a fresh new batch of Big Brother betting odds.

So who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dennis, Lisa, Sylvia, Mario and Jennifer, with help from Paddy Power …

Dennis – Now this is just a hunch, so don’t quote us on this, but we get the feeling that Dennis might actually be gay. Call us crazy, but for all his steel-jawed masculine silence and almost visible reek of testosterone, we think he’s hiding his true sexuality from us. Anyway, Big Brother usually favours homosexuals – the pink vote traditionally has a huge say in who wins each series – but right now Dennis is the most unpopular Big Brother housemate around. Why? Imagine sitting in a room with him while he belts out Total Eclipse Of The Heart over and over again in his creepily sincere way, interspersing it with weird American-accented spoken-word interludes. How long before you beat him to death with one of his own shoes? That’s right, four seconds. Case closed. Current Big Brother betting odds – 100/1

Lisa – From what we’ve been able to gather, Big Brother has so far been a near-constant parade of clips of that dreadful Alex women starting fights with various inanimate objects, leaving little time for anyone else to get a look-in. So why, then, has Lisa got such horrific Big Brother betting odds at the moment? Well, it might be because she looks like a man, or that she seems fairly happy to let her boyfriend squeeze her spots in front of everyone. Mainly, though, we think that Lisa is getting such short shrift in the Big Brother betting odds because the longer she stays, the more likely it is that she’ll have sex. With Mario. On camera. And the day that happens is the day that our eyes instinctively burst into flames to protect our mind. Current Big Brother betting odds – 100/1

Sylvia – It’s never a good sign when it takes you five minutes of staring blankly into space trying to work out who a Big Brother housemate actually is, but that seems to be everyone’s most common reaction when they hear the name Sylvia. Aside from an early screaming argument with a blind man who happened to be wearing her knickers, Sylvia hasn’t really asserted herself at all in the Big Brother house. Perhaps she’s playing the old ‘play it quiet and end up coming fifth’ game, but it’s certainly no way to win Big Brother. Or maybe she’s got another gameplan up her sleeve. Let’s hope so, because anything that stops her bleating on about the traumatic civil war that forced her out of her own country can only be a good thing, eh? Eh? Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Mario – He might looks like a kebab-meat sculpture of Sylvester Stallone, but Mario is undoubtedly a good person. That’s unquestionably true, because of the way he looks after Mikey. After all, everyone knows that the best way to care for the blind is to constantly patronise them while never letting them forget their own disability, and that’s precisely what Mario’s been doing. Easily one of the most cluelessly narcissistic fartwipes in Big Brother history, Mario’s mission to make sure everyone sees him as a friendly, intrinsically wise scallywag has failed with everyone in the Big Brother house, everyone who watches Big Brother and everyone else on the face of the Earth living or dead. But he still thinks he’s doing OK, so that’s something. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Jennifer – Things we hate about Big Brother, numbers 44 and 45: when a Big Brother housemate makes an incendiary intro tape and then piffs away into vapour as soon as they enter the house, and when people are so desperate for 30 seconds of recognition that they’ll ditch their own kids to go on Big Brother. Sadly Jennifer is guilty of both of these – on her way into the house, Jennifer came off as a mental right-wing anti-immigrant crackpot but then, faced with some actual immigrants, Jennifer retreated into a cycle of meek household chores and going all moony over Dale at the drop of a hat. Hey, look Jennifer’s 22-month-old daughter – Mummy’s about to kiss a thick stranger with tongues! Yay! Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Dale, Rex, Stuart and Rebecca. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Her TV show Friends was the greatest show of all time, The Rembrandts were the greatest band of all time, her man was without doubt the sexiest man of all time, and she too was the single most desired female in the human race, second only to a feisty young computer simulation called Lara – but what did Jennifer care about her?

No artificial intelligence was going to seriously threaten her position in Brads mind. He loved her. That computer simulation would have to pull a Pinocchio for him to be even the slightest bit interested. And a Gepetto was nowhere to be seen.

That was until a man called Simon West showed up, who wished that Lara would become a real girl. A physical being whom he might be able to touch with his hands one day. And he wished so hard that it actually came true! All of a sudden, every boy in the world became aware that Aniston was old news – a new girl was in town.

And unfortunately for Jennifer – despite his many wonderful aspects – Brad was a boy too.

Suddenly, Jennifer was slipping down the sexiest rankings, being taken over by some barely-legal pop-stars going by the names of Britney and Christina, as well as the real life Lara, one Miss Angelina Jolie, who was beginning her meteoritic rise to the top of wank-charts. Friends aired its final episode, Jennifer was reaching the wrinkly side of thirty, and The Rembrandts were just a fading memory. Oh, the horror of it all!

Next thing you know Brad’s saying something like “Guess what, Jennifer, baby? I’m starring alongside that Lara Croft girl in my next film, how about that?”

How about that, Jennifer? With Brad gone and her status diminished, she was left with Vince Vaughn, much in the way we’ve all been left with Vince Vaughn – desperately waiting for someone better to properly fill the void he tip-toes around in. And it, of course – like most Vince Vaughn projects should be – was doomed from the start.

Where was Jennifer to turn to next? How far had she been relegated? To a builder from Essex, perhaps? Surely not! What next, an elf?

According to the New York Post, eyewitnesses have reported seeing Aniston looking all loved up at Beso, an LA eatery, with none other than real life Legolas, Orlando Bloom – Jennifer has found her own real boy! An onlooker said:

They were sitting very close. She was looking at him like he was her favourite guy in the world.

Hooray for love! It's done some wondrous things in it's time, lets just hope it can now bewitch Ms Aniston into actually thinking Orlando is a man she can settle down with, and may we never have to write about her philanderings again.

Come on love! Please!

Read more – New York Post – Love In Bloom