Do you hear that noise? That loud, regular, cracking noise that sounds like a constant 21-gun salute? You do?

Turns out that’s Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s biological clock. Loud, huh? So loud, in fact, that it appears to have sent Jennifer Love Hewitt a bit berserk. You see, Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t married yet. Or engaged. But all that’s going to change, yes sirree.

Jennifer Love Hewitt says that if her boyfriend hasn’t proposed to her in a year, there’ll be ‘a situation’. Save the date, kids – June 4 2010 is the date Jennifer Love Hewitt officially becomes a gnarled old spinster. Fun!

Deep down, you have to feel a little bit sorry for Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nothing’s really turned the way she wanted. A decade ago it looked like she might become one of the biggest actresses on the planet, with a glittering pop career that’d rival the likes of Britney Spears and a blissful marriage to an A-list husband. Fast-forward to now, though, and what does Jennifer Love Hewitt have?

A CV full of nightmarish phrases like ‘Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties‘, ‘Jackie Chan’s The Tuxedo‘ and ‘That awful programme about the woman who grimaces sympathetically at ghosts’, that’s what. Add to that plans to record a country album – everyone’s favourite last-ditch bid for musical recognition – and a total lack of any form of wedding bells whatsoever, and you’ve got yourself a sad little picture of unfulfilled desire.

And that’s something that Jennifer Love Hewitt just isn’t going to stand for any more. She already has one broken engagement behind her, so she’s decided to grab life by the scruff of the neck and take matters into her own hands the only way she knows how – by publicly warning her boyfriend that if he hasn’t proposed to her in 12 months’ time, she’s going to rip his balls off and shove them up his nose. Marie Claire reports:

The actress has been dating her Ghost Whisperer co-star Jamie Kennedy since December last year. However, talking on Arizona radio’s Johnjay And Rich show, the 30-year-old [said] ‘By this time next year, if we’re not planning something, then there’s a situation,’ she stressed.

Attagirl, Jen. After all, everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart is through a series of humiliating public ultimatums. Keep this up for long enough and you’ll have broken his spirit so much that he won’t just become glumly resigned to the fact that you’re going to marry him, but also to the fact that you want chihuahuas for bridesmaids and a first dance accompanied by a medley of Shania Twain songs performed on a harp, too. Not bad for someone who you haven’t even been going out with for a year yet. Take note, girls.

But still, it’s a little bit sad that Jennifer Love Hewitt has been forced into a position where she literally has to terrify a man in front of an audience to even get close to getting married. What’s the moral of this story? We say it’s that none of this would have happened if Jennifer Love Hewitt had done the decent thing and taken her top off once or twice in a film back when people liked her.

Then again, that is our answer to everything.

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