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Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez Runs Triathlon To Prove She’s Harder Than You

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Lopez could beat you in a fight, have no doubt of that – she’d trample your stupid face into the dirt and then shatter your ribs with her arse.

What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in atriathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.

What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez now lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and unusually concentrated doses of Epinephrine. Delicious!

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Jennifer Lopez Sued Over Alleged Doggy Chomp Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can’t even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei.

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flightattendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

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Jennifer Lopez Acts Like An Idiot; Annoys People

by C J Davies

We can all be a bit demanding sometimes.

Why, only the other day, the people in the office next door had their radio playing too loud, so hecklerspray stormed over there and ordered them to turn it off. They didn’t listen, of course, but once we tipped that vial full of the Ebola virus into their coffee maker, they soon quietened down. After a few hours of tortured screaming and vomiting. Still – it beat The Chris Moyles Show hands-down.

We’re just grateful, though, that we don’t have to deal with stroppy diva Jennifer Lopez, whose sense of self-importance is now seemingly so large it may have to obtain planning permission simply to exist. She decided to go on a little shopping excursion to the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset’s Miracle Mile last week, you see, and members of staff have blabbed to Page Six magazine about what an unrepentant twat she was acting.

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Jennifer Lopez Rears Behind Her Own Reality Show

by hecklerspray staff

Jennifer Lopez, my how we’ve watched you grow.

It seems only yesterday you were hangin’ with Puff Daddy with your corn rows and white jeans while he didn’t shoot Tupac. Then came the Ben Affleck phase, which cursed us all with morphing celebrity couple names into one obnoxious word, but you moved on to get married to a gaunt lizard man like Marc Anthony and have babies like we always hoped you would.

Well, looks like there’s nothing left for you to do. What’s that, Jennifer Lopez? You’re making a reality show? No. Listen carefully – there’s nothing left for you to do.

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Look! Photos Of Jennifer Lopez’s Twins! In A Magazine!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a hard month, knowing that Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins but not being able to see what they look like.

Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez’s twins – do they have their mother’s eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots – but now the truth is finally out.

The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twin babies have been published on the front cover of today’s People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez’s twins look perfectly fine – although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn’t knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.

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Jennifer Lopez Gives Twins Reassuringly Crap Names

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Lopez has finally decided to announce the name of her newborn twins – they’re called Max and Emme.

“Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart,” you’re probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, “They’re not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme.”

To which we say, do you know what the twins’ full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that’s what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.

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Jennifer Lopez Finally Gives Birth To Those Twins Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

According to highly scientific calculations, Jennifer Lopez has been pregnant for anywhere between 12 and 15 years.

Or rather Jennifer Lopez was pregnant – last night Jennifer Lopez gave birth to the twin babies she’s been expecting since the summer of 1963.

Not a whole lot is known about Jennifer Lopez’s twins yet – it’s only been a matter of hours since they were born, after all. However, judging by the size of Jennifer Lopez in the latter stages of her pregnancy, we can safely assume that each twin was the size of a fully-grown overweight nightclub bouncer from Dagenham by the time it shawshanked out of her birth canal.

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Jennifer Lopez’s Twins To Be Insanely Freaking Rich

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a conundrum: you see two magazines, one that promises exclusive pictures of Jennifer Lopez and her new twins and another one that’s about generic mid-20th century brickwork – which do you buy?

No question – the brickwork one every time. Because a) hey, bricks, woo, and b) you really couldn’t give a tenth of a rat’s chuff about anything to do with Jennifer Lopez.

Still, that hasn’t stopped People magazine from paying an estimated $6 million for exclusive American distribution rights for Jennifer Lopez’s baby photos. We honestly can’t see how Jennifer Lopez is that much of a draw, so maybe People has heard something we don’t know – maybe J-Lo’s twins are co-joined at the arse or something. Yes, that’s definitely it.

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Jennifer Lopez Has Two Big-Arsed Babies On The Way

by Stuart Heritage

As Jennifer Lopez is so fond of reminding us, she used to have a little now she got a lot – but it seems that she was discussing the contents of her over-stuffed womb all along.

That’s because Jennifer Lopez isn’t just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez’s impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let’s not forget that the Spanish word for ‘twins’ and the Spanish word for ‘underwhelming singing voice’ are very similar, so there’s a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez’s performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

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Holy Crap, Jennifer Lopez Is Pregnant!?

by Stuart Heritage

Well, you could literally knock us down with a feather at the moment because Jennifer Lopez – the very obviously pregnant pop star with a fashion designer who last week confirmed her pregnancy – has announced that she’s pregnant.

Sorry, we’re still trying to get over this shocking Jennifer Lopez pregnancy bombshell because it’s genuinely come right out of the blue. All we’ve had to go on is Jennifer Lopez persistently assuming coyness every time someone mentions motherhood or babies in front of her, performing tours around the world with a belly that’s been steadily growing in size because of the baby growing inside it and clearly being undeniably pregnant. And now it turns out that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant? That’s literally the most surprising thing we’ve experienced all day, with the exception of every single thing we’ve seen, heard, thought or smelled, obviously.

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