Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…
“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.
Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.
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As well you know, Jennifer Lopez split up with her fella, Marc Anthony recently, and everyone was so shocked that the UN set up a helpline to stop us all from committing suicide in the streets. It really was an awful time.
It’s about to get worse.
See, Marc Anthony is not happy to just break one celebrity marriage now that he’s been reported to be “inappropriately close” to Jada Pinkett Smith – or, if you prefer, Will Smith’s wife. Oooooooh. Don’t mess with lovely Will Smith.
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You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.
Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.
After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it’s arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised “Hang on a second. This woman’s dimples aren’t cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We’ve all been duped!’ and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.
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The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.
So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?
Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.
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Jennifer Lopez and the historically named Marc Anthony are still set to film their globe-trotting talent show together, despite announcing the end of their marriage last week and the inevitable feelings of murderous rage that come as part and parcel of any such split.
Last month it was announced that the former couple hatched a plan in their volcano lair and were to jet off on a massive global tour this summer in order to find the best Latin wannabe stars for their new TV talent show titled, oddly enough, ‘Q’viva! The Chosen’.
The original idea of the programme is thought to have been altered slightly to reflect the change in Lopez and Anthony’s marital situation.
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Celebrity boob enthusiasts! We don’t mind if you don’t want to read these words and get straight to the mammaries. Yes. There’s a picture of Jennifer Lopez’s right boob over the jump. Honestly. Go straight there. You’ll miss some jokes but the traffic is all good.
Right. For those of you who remain and want to see what words we’ll write about J-Lo’s right buster, we’re all poised like a coiled sponge to disappoint.
So what’s happening? Well, the American Idol judge allowed her bubular to hang out while appearing on a German TV show, clearly enjoying the fact that they’re all sexually liberated over there with their porn films, hairy genitalia and their penchant for tanga briefs.
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We haven’t seen much of Jennifer Lopez recently. We tried shouting her name every night through the broken windowpane in our rancid bedsit, but we’ve had no success – only letters telling us to pipe down before someone rips out our vocal chords with a butter knife.
Suddenly it dawned on us as to the whereabouts of Jennifer Lopez. She’ll be hanging out somewhere in New York’s Bronx suburb! As per the lyrics to her 2002 single “Jenny From The Block” she won’t have moved out of her ghetto neighbourhood for pastures new, instead she’ll be keeping it real with her crew and posse.
Lopez has stuck to her roots so firmly that she’s refused to embrace modern pop music and open herself up to Geordie soloist Cheryl Cole. Ha’way man Jennifer Lopez, poor Cheryl Cole will feel like she’s not worth it, pet.
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If you ever wanted to open up the kitchen drawer, take out a bread knife and attempt self harming due to bone-crushing news, this is the time. Professional nobody with a sex tape Kim Kardashian has been given a dubious honour, meaning that out of the planet’s six billion plus people, her booty is the peachiest of them all.
The main question is how such a person can proudly chalk this accolade on their CV, ensuring future employers will fall on the floor with spluttered gasps of amazement.
Who cares about a Nobel Peace Prize when you can be told that you have a bang tidy botty? Perhaps Kim Kardashian will get the chance to imprint her buttocks in to a poor person’s version of the Hollywood walk of fame? Like a pissy old park bench. Read More >>>
