Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.

Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn’t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.

But, that’s the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn’t know. As if you didn’t Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We’ll sort you out. Come here. It’ll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.

So, just to quickly sum up – 320,332 people applied for the X Factor and 293,023 people got through to Boot Camp. So that leaves us with approximately the entire population of Austria in the Judges Houses stage of the competition. The world has never seemed smaller. Kelly’s mentoring the girls, Tulisa’s got the groups, Gary’s got the boys, and Louis’ got the terminally ill mentals. All in all, things seem pretty straight forward so far. But Jesus, guys, stop dwelling on the past – that’s how you got into this situation of watching The X Factor and THEN reading an X Factor blog about The X Factor in the first place.

Peter Dickson informed us that the X Factor has gone ‘global’, which is true, because yes – the X Factor has gone to America where it is infinitely going to be more successful, cheers for reminding us Peter. Come to think of it, isn’t Peter Dickson just making an entire mockery of The X Factor in a sort of modernist pastiche kind of way anyway? A man who makes stinking wads of cash by having a stupid voice, whilst ex-contestants do UK Tours of the nations Shakeaways? Blimey. That’s going to take a hell of a lot of Antonioni films to help us fully understand the scope of that one.

Anyway, Tulisa  firmly told her girls that ‘NO ONE IS HERE TO LOOK CUTE’ – cue the camera cutting to a thousand girls wearing braces with accordians sellotaped to their gussets. It was always going to be an emotional. We mean, Gary Barlow’s going to take ‘risks’ for god’s sake. How often does that ever happen? Oh, and Louis is going to cry again.

It was funny the first time, but now it’s just kind of awkward to watch.

All the contestants were so darned excited about being able to go on an actual plane to an actual country, because they’re all poor and starving to death for the sake of their talent. One of the contestants (who we don’t know the name of, because we didn’t want to) actually shared to the camera her fears of ‘not being able to get on the plane’, she’s so emotionally incapacitated by the state of her musical aspirations. Can you imagine THAT much sentiment on one plane? No WONDER Ryanair announced plans to temporarily cut capacity by grounding 80 aircraft in the winter schedules between November 2011 and April 2012 due to the high cost of fuel and continuing weak economic conditions! RIGHT GUYS? Oh, they’re travelling by Virgin Atlantic. Well, there goes all our laughter.

The judges met their new prospective new definitions of music in LA, Barcelona, Miami and Greece, which is lovely for us to watch and lovely for Olly Murs, who’s probably been gagging to check out the Parthenon ever since he watched the Malayalam version of Alexander the Great last year, which we heard he just adored. Meanwhile, Gary Barlow standing on a ledge in LA is the most uncomfortable thing we’ve ever seen.

Firstly, we met with Tulisa and the definitelygoingtowinthisyear group category. Tulisa is ‘so excited to get her hands on the final four’. Christ, our EARS, Tulisa. We can’t all be as sexually experimental and all knowledgable about hip hop and leather like you. Tulisa’s all important celebrity helper is for some reason Jessie J, who has a broken leg, in case you didn’t get the NASA report about that 400 years ago. Jessie apparently used to be in a group, so it’s totally relevant for her to be there and she has a fringe and a Brit award so she must know what she’s on about.

Either way, this is going to be a much better combination of musical minds than that time Dannii Minogue and Natalie Imbruglia were teamed up to see who could sing Damien Rice with the most sincerity.

It kicked off to a flying start with Jessie J informing the groups with every ounce of Morgan Freeman’s prefrontal cortex that the best thing for the groups will be is if ‘they all pull together.’ Oh god, that’s actually really good advice. Imagine if they all sung together at the same time as well. That’d be like some sort of mental thing Sigourney Weaver would have to flame thrower the shit out of, make no mistake. And we’re not the only ones, as one of the members of one of the groups (that’s as accurate as we can get, sorry) sighs that she is ‘literally in awe’ of Jessie, which we can totally relate too because we too thought it was pretty phenomenally staggering that Jessie saved the entire ruptured state of the economy by writing Price Tag. Isn’t it nice when you can relate to people?

Next up was Miami, where we got to pretend that we were hanging out with Kelly Rowland. Kelly’s celebrity guest was Academy Award winning incredibly successful human being Jennifer Hudson. ITV1 do their bit for equality by immediately cutting to Misha, the only black finalist of the category, for her reaction, because black people like to see other black people. True, Jennifer Hudson is quite a good celebrity guest judge, but she still never supported Cyndi Lauper’s 2008 ‘Bring Ya to the Brink’ tour at any point, so overall we’re still not impressed.

Then we joined Louis in Barcelona (oh god, if only) to take a look at the mental old contestants. Louis says that ‘he probably has the most hopeful category of the year’, which is true. Not talented, mind. Just hopeful. Speaking of hope, look! There’s Carolynne from Fame Academy 2, who says she is here to ‘work’. Well, that was very nice of the ITV1 camera crew to film some of the opinions of the bar staff in that case. Moving on from all the mass hilarity, we are introduced to Louis’ celebrity expert… Sinitta.

Okay, you can carry on laughing now. What the hell was she doing there? Has Louis not checked under all of the seats of the Westlife tour bus or something? Nonetheless, Sinitta is there. Being Sinitta, once again. Quite possibly the 2004 British Comedy Award-winning X Factor’s most unfunny inside joke. The tears of joy and LITERAL AND NOT FIGURATIVE AWE of the youngster categories are put into harsh perspective with Louis’ category awkwardly clapping and Terry reasoning that he didn’t expect her to be a bit fit, as if the man wasn’t clutching enough straws in his life already.

Finally, we got to be with Gary and the boys in LA. Gary goes on about the fact he got dropped from his record label once and had to come to LA to ‘find himself’/find anyone on Planet Earth who hadn’t seen this and of course his celebrity friend is Robbie Williams. And yes, he was wearing a comedy palm tree outfit, and yes, he did explain why he was wearing a comedy palm tree outfit, which obviously made it even funnier. God, it was funny when he did that. God, it’s funny when Robbie Williams gets naked, like that time he did it for Comic Relief once and how that was funny also, and also for charity which just made us all feel really great whilst we were laughing too.

Hey, isn’t it weird how Robbie has battled depression and self esteem issues for most of his adult life and probably uses his nude body as a comedic shell to hide from his brutalised view of his inner self? Still though. Palm leaves. LOOL!

For a laugh, the auditionees then began to actually sing for their mentors. Because they’re not on holiday, they’re here to have a horrible time in three quarter length trousers. Here is a rundown of their auditions and just how horribly awkward it really was.

THE GROUPS

The Vesty Divs The Keys – Sang one of the really boring Beyonce songs that nobody gave two hoots about at Glastonbury. You know, the one where she didn’t shake any part of her body. Terrible. And yeah, we know she’s withchild now and that would ultimately be an awful thing to do, but still. Can she really give us bootylicious and then take away said bootylicious? Just like that? Really? Well, maybe we’ll just take away her first born child and make it listen to loads of Tori Amos, see how she likes it. What were we talking about?

The Estrelles – Rubbish name that doesn’t make any sense. If you want to sound ‘exotic’, call yourselves Las Ketchup. Also – bad at singing songs. Obviously, not a major issue – but just thought we’d mention.

We Forgot to Write Down Their Name but Essentially Two Crying People –  Hey there! Did you accidently turn up on The X Factor and sing a Kings of Leon song? Did Jessie J absolutely rip the shit out of you once you were done? Never fear! Next time just paralyze yourself on gin and tonics and rip your clothes off and fall off a table, and all your dignity will come flooding gently back. That’s a hecklerspray promise.

The Lovettes – The Wedon’treallyfindwecanemotionallyattachifwe’rebeinghonest-ettes MORE LIKE.

The Risk – There’s quite a funny bit where one of the guys says how he just completely doesn’t want to be in the group and thinks he’s better than the others. Come on, you know us too well to know we don’t paraphrase, don’t you? Oh, sorry, we didn’t mention their singing. Well, they sing No Air. There. Now you’re crying and can’t open your paracetamol lids. That’s what you get.

Two Shoes – Apparently Two Shoes are ‘not just a pair of Essex girls here for the crack’. Based on this, we want them to win. They’re actually really good and we would love to give them some crack.

Nu Vibe – Oh look at us, we have penises and we sing songs written by people with vaginas instead. Novel. Voltaire never thought of THAT ONE, did he?

Rhythmix – Isn’t this a type of biscuit that one of The Apprentice teams made up once?

GIRLS

Amelia Lily – Kindathoughtthiswasgoodsowhatever.

Jade Richards – Yeah yeah. Vowel splitting and being in the sub consciousness of Kelly Rowland is probably exactly how David Bowie did things at the start too, but this was rubbish. That’s right Jade, you don’t fool us. You’re probably secretly happy and everything. You probably go home and do happy eyebrows and watch porn and feel really good about yourself.

Sophie Habibis – YES, Sophie Habibis. With your impossible last name and your sex organs. We like you.

HER NAME MIGHT BE SARAH – BUT QUITE FRANKLY WE FORGOT – Boring.

Melanie McCabe – Nice bun, but ultimately boring.

Holly Repton – Jesus, how many of them were there? Well done Holly, you bored us too.

Misha Bryan – AKA OLIVER TWIST – Poor Misha. She’s never even eaten a Marks and Spencers ready meal, let alone been on a plane with two floors before. We bet she’s never even looked at a lobster. Someone give this poor woman a fucking fiver so she can buy a rag to sleep in at night or something.

Janet Devlin – “I love not wearing shoes. It makes me feel more grounded.” You know what makes us feel more grounded? Trench foot.

THE MENTALS

Johnny Robinson – If Johnny Robinson took Viagra, they’d instate a national law to surgically remove every woman’s ovaries.

Natalie Cassidy Sami Brookes – Sorry Alicia Keys, someone just made your song even less interesting, if you can imagine.

Terry Winstanley – Old man got older.

Carolynne Goode – Blah blah blah vocal chords blah blah blah.

Some Guy – Yeah, he sang Bruno Mars. I think we’re done here.

GOLD-AMAZING-IE – Amazing.

Jonjo – Oh god. THIS GUY. Never has a man been more deserving of the name ‘Jonjo.’ Has his wife had her boring baby that won’t amount to anything yet?

Kitty Brucknell – Ha. Mental diseases. They’re so funny. Kitty says some sort of botched line from Notting Hill and then jumps in a pool. When is Louis going to stop mistaking borderline personality disorder for charisma?

THE BOYS

Frankie Cocozza – Skinny jeans? BUT THEY ARE FOR GIRLS, FRANKIE! HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL? Long hair? BUT THEY ARE FOR GIRLS FRANKIE! YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING. God, we hope you get through and screw everybody until they’re bone dry.

John Wilding – When we have a weird face, we like to compensate with even weirder hair too.

Joe Cox – Olly Murs just called. We didn’t answer, because we just didn’t feel like chatting with Olly Murs. Ever.

James Michael – Poor POOR creative and amazing James Michael literally cannot sing without a guitar because he plays guitar. You need to know this. James Michael has the ability to play the guitar.

Max Vickers – “He sings like his mum has just told him to turn his X Box off.” Says Robbie Williams, who once released some albums, so we’ll assume in some sort of mental universe that makes a scrap of sense and just go with that.

Luke Lucas – A boy with the ability to buy green headphones and bad at singing songs. Give us some of that DNA NOW.

And that, our emotionally disturbed friends is that. Tomorrow, find out who got through in our EXCLUSIVE REVEAL THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE SHUT UP YOU DON’T KNOW.

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Winning that Oscar for Dreamgirls didn’t just make Jennifer Hudson a household name, it also changed her life forever.

Not in a particularly good way, either. When Jennifer Hudson started acting, she probably thought that she’d do Dreamgirls and then maybe a couple of comedies or a big summer action flick. But no. Jennifer Hudson has won an Oscar now, so every film she stars in from now on is legally entitled to be overlong, dreary and so relentlessly worthy that you feel like scrubbing yourself clean with a dry brush afterwards.

And that’s why Jennifer Hudson is about to play Winnie Mandela in what promises to be a right old bundle of bloody laughs.

One of the main things that worries us about Jennifer Hudson is that she used to be an American Idol contestant, and that it wouldn’t take much for other Simon Cowell-approved singers to follow her lead. Sure, it might be OK for Jennifer Hudson to play a notorious historical figure in a transparently Oscar-baiting biopic, but what if it sparks a trend?

What if Leona Lewis suddenly decides that she wants to play Rosa Luxemburg in a film about the 1919 Spartakusbund uprising? Or what if Jedward signs up to play Dmitry Ivanovsky in a biopic about pioneering microbiology? You’d try to hammer yourself unconscious with whatever’s nearest to you, that’s what.

And it’d all be Jennifer Hudson’s fault for playing Winnie Mandela in an upcoming biopic based on the book Winnie Mandela: A Life. Variety reports:

Jennifer Hudson is set to star in Winnie, a drama that casts her as the former wife of South Africa’s first black president, Nelson Mandela. “I was compelled and moved when I read the script,” Hudson said. “Winnie Mandela is a complex and extraordinary woman and I’m honored to be the actress asked to portray her. This is a powerful part of history that should be told.”

Of course, Jennifer Hudson didn’t need to say any of that. She could have just shouted “I WANT ANOTHER OSCAR!” directly into the face of the Variety editor through a megaphone while repeadedly bonking him on the head with an oversized polystyrene Oscar, since that’s what she obviously means, but where would be the fun in that?

That’s assuming that Jennifer Hudson will win an Oscar for playing Winnie Mandela, of course, and there’s no guarantee that she will. Remember, she only won the Oscar for Dreamgirls because she was able to channel the emotions of her character through a number of painfully schmaltzy showtunes. So if Jennifer Hudson wants to win another Oscar for Winnie, there’s only one thing for it: it’s going to have to be a musical.

No, bear with us. A Winnie Mandela musical would be awesome. Imagine Jennifer Hudson, standing against the backdrop of Apartheid-ravaged South Africa, belting out the timeless Orange Free State (Is Something I Hate). Or winking her way through the ribald crowd-pleaser Let’s Burn Our Enemies With Tyres And Petrol! Or closing the whole thing with the heartfelt show-stopper Election (It’s Fifth Place For Me). It’d be awesome. Or terrible. Probably terrible.

But anything that stops Jennifer Hudson from making any more Sex And The City films, eh?

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Jennifer Hudson is still relatively new to this fame thing, so we can forgive her for not knowing all the rules.

Like pregnancy, for example. Jennifer Hudson didn’t inform the media of her pregnancy. That’s fine if you do a J-Lo and swan about for the full pregnancy in a series of increasingly ridiculous outfits. But Jennifer Hudson didn’t do that – she just got pregnant, shut up and then had a baby.

Well two can play at that game. We’re saying nothing about the baby. Apart from this. And the six paragraphs after this. But that’s it, you hear? For today.

You can tell a lot about a celebrity by the names they choose for their children. If they give a child a regular name like Kevin or Mark, they’re either normal or hopelessly unimaginative. If, on the other hand, they call their child Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, then they’re Lisa Bonet and words can’t express the pity we feel for the child.

But if a celebrity gives their baby exactly the same name as its father, well then that sounds like a sign of massive egomania. So congratulations to Jennifer Hudson and her uncontrollable egomaniacal lunatic of a fiance David Otunga, because they’ve just welcomed baby David Otunga Jr into the world. MSNBC reports:

“The baby is beautiful and perfect,” says Hudson’s rep Lisa Kasteler. “His parents are ecstatic.” David weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and is the first child for Hudson and her fiancé David Otunga. The couple kept the sex of the baby a delivery surprise.

That’s David the child who weighs 7 lbs., 14 oz, not David the father. At least we assume so – we don’t think we’ve ever seen a picture of David Otunga, and Jennifer Hudson notoriously likes to keep her personal life private, so for all we know she’s getting married to a man with the exact weight and dimensions of a newborn baby. This same name business is going to get very confusing – especially when we run that ‘David Otunga Craps In His Nappy’ story. And, trust us, we are going to run that story.

Regardless of that, though, Jennifer Hudson’s pregnancy was marked by a staunch unwillingness to confirm her state to the media, only allowing for a tiny amount of speculation at the Michael Jackson memorial concert. While at the time that may have felt like the right thing to do – giving her the opportunity to experience the magic of pregnancy without the stress of any external pressures – there’s a good chance that Jennifer Hudson will regret it in later years.

Because, really, nobody wants to wake up one morning filled with the crippling guilt that comes because they didn’t roll around in a sandbox full of blusher, then put on a manky jacket and jut out their veiny, oversized gut on the cover of an internationally-read magazine like Christina Aguilera did. And Jennifer Hudson is sadly going to have to live with that for the rest of her life.

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Anyone watching Michael Jackson’s memorial yesterday will have noticed something very strange indeed.

No, not the way that they made a 12-year-old kid sing an old Michael Jackson song directly at Michael Jackson’s coffin – although in retrospect that was sort of strange – we’re talking about Jennifer Hudson. Apparently reports are suggesting that Jennifer Hudson is eight months pregnant.

Jennifer Hudson’s pregnancy is completely unconfirmed, by the way – all anyone has to go on is the GIANT BABY BUMP STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY. And the way that JENNIFER HUDSON HAS ALREADY HAD A BABY SHOWER. Other than that, we’re stumped.

We believe it was Elton John who first mentioned the circle of life – the spiritual reassurance that, as one life is taken away from the world, another one is ushered in. It’s poetic stuff, and it was a theme hinted at during last night’s Michael Jackson memorial service. No, not in the sense that you could probably chop Stevie Wonder in half down the middle these days and still end up with enough flesh for two normal-sized men. We’re talking about Jennifer Hudson. Just like we were a couple of paragraphs ago. Don’t you people listen? What’s wrong with you?

Anyway, Jennifer Hudson’s appearance at the memorial seemed to confirm a rumour that’s been floating around for a while – that she’s pregnant with David Otunga‘s child. And not just a little bit pregnant, either – we mean full-on, waddling, achey-titted, might-actually-pop-the-bloody-thing-out-during-a-high-note pregnant.

According to AC, the fact that Jennifer Hudson is obviously pregnant has led some to believe that – get this – Jennifer Hudson might be pregnant:

Jennifer Hudson performed a radiant and soulful rendition of “Will You Be There” at the Michael Jackson memorial. While she looked stunning, her flowing white dress and “baby bump” have led viewers to suspect that she is pregnant.

See? That’s the bloody thing about baby bumps – they have a nasty habit of making people think that you’re pregnant. The report then goes on to state that Jennifer Hudson has already had her baby shower and that everyone she meets seems to want to be photographed with their hands on her stomach, both of which tend to be tell-tale signs that you’re pregnant. Along with the fact that you’re very clearly pregnant. That too can often be a tell-tale sign that you’re pregnant.

But you know what? If Jennifer Hudson wanted us to know that she’s pregnant, then she would have told us. So, as a mark of respect to her privacy, we’ve decided to stop speculating. That’s because if Michael Jackson’s death has taught us anything, it’s that human life is the most precious thing on Earth and should be treated with the utmost sanctity.

And also it’s because Jennifer Hudson is obviously so sodding pregnant that we probably don’t need to speculate. Honestly, the biggest question is why she didn’t hold a microphone up to her crotch and let the baby duet with her. It’s what we’d have done in her place.

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Jennifer Hudson’s a wildcat, isn’t she. For instance, remember that time she got drunk, punched a bear in the face and then skateboarded down the Eiffel Tower?

You don’t? Well, that’s because it never happened. Jennifer Hudson isn’t a wildcat at all. Jennifer Hudson is a bit boring. In fact, it’s impossible to make Jennifer Hudson interesting. Jennifer Hudson wouldn’t even be interesting if she sneezed fireworks and farted mice.

Having said that, Jennifer Hudson has just announced her engagement to David Otunga, who’s apparently a man of some sort. And, let’s be fair, that is interesting, provided that a) you know who David Otunga is, b) you care enough about Jennifer Hudson to invest in her personal life and c) you’re a gormless dumdum of the absolute highest order.

If you look at Jennifer Hudson’s accomplishments, she’s actually achieved quite a lot. She’s been an American Idol finalist, she’s won 29 awards including an Oscar for her first-ever film role, the city of Chicago has named a day after her and she starred in the Sex And The City movie so she’s probably seen Kim Cattrall‘s baps quite close up.

But has any of that phased Jennifer Hudson? No it hasn’t. Or perhaps maybe it has. The truth is that nobody knows if any of that has phased Jennifer Hudson or not because nobody cares enough about Jennifer Hudson to find out.

Forget about Jennifer Hudson being so boring that the only way she could be more boring is for her to reclassify herself as algae, though, because Jennifer Hudson’s only gone and got engaged.

Who to? Well, since Jennifer Hudson is an Oscar-winning actress, we’re sure she’s had her pick of the A-list. That’s why her new fiance is David Otunga, who’s apparently from the reality TV show I Love New York 2. If you haven’t seen I Love New York 2, it’s a lot like I Love New York 1. And if you haven’t seen I Love New York 1 then congratulations, because you now share something in common with every single human being alive. MTV reports:

Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson and boyfriend, David Otunga, got engaged over the weekend. The couple’s rep spoke exclusively to People magazine saying “I can confirm that Jennifer got engaged to her boyfriend David on Friday night in L.A.”

Apparently David Otunga proposed to Jennifer Hudson with a diamond engagement ring on her 27th birthday which seems to us like a bit of a cop-out, like the sort of thing you do when you don’t know what present to buy them. Chances are David Otunga was backwards and forwards between a marriage proposal and some HMV vouchers for quite some time.

Anyway, no date has been set for Jennifer Hudson’s marriage. Or maybe it has. We really don’t think we’ve got it in us to actually go and check, you know.