jennifer ellison - HecklerSpray

Review: Dancing on Ice – It’s All A Bit Shocking & Wrong

August 6th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Dancing on Ice may have spent the entire series trying to keep up with the rapid pace of reality TV but really we all know that it's wonderfully behind the times. Which is presumably why they decided to do a Circus themed night, years after Britney and Take That briefly brought those arenas of freakery and animal cruelty back to everyone's attention.

The excuse for being so woefully out-of-touch? It was props week, and obviously they couldn't just give people a few props to skate with without trying to tie the whole thing together with an overarching theme. Even though that's exactly what they've done every other year.

They needn?t have bothered though, because Louie Spence was determined to make the show all about him and his potentially incorrect opinions and supposedly shockingly low marks. Unfortunately for Louie, though, the rest of the celebs were determined to be equally shocking and appalling.

Dr Heckle & Mr Tweet: Movie Night With Aggros Santos & Les Dennis in Danger!

July 28th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Welcome back #friends, #romans and #teamfollowback! How the devil are you? Good. Good. Still beliebing? Us too. Yep. Despite it all. No, we didn’t do much for #Malickmonday either, we were too wiped out from #1Dmemories. Yeah, we know. Yeah, we must have used the whole tub of antiseptic wipes too. Boy, what a Friday night to remember that was. Who even needs repression anyway? So funny.

SO, after the roaring success of last week?s pilot feature Dr Heckle (two retweets, and a phone call off mother saying she hasn't had time to read the article yet because she'd just bought Ice Age 3 on DVD, but that she still loves us because she didn't have a?Caesarean) we are back!

Like #Backstreet, and #Sexy, and #Shady, and #BabyGot are also unswervingly pretty back. We never let you guys down, because we’re all understanding and streetwise but still like to have a good time as long as we take care of our responsibilities lol. You know what we’re like when we get protective. Just think of it like this: We are the ?Three Men and you are the Little Lady. Great. Now we’re on the same page.

Dancing On Ice Review: It’s All About The Sexual Assault

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

This week’s Dancing on Ice was apparently Movie Week. Really, it was just dodgier outfits than usual, a few rubbish puns and some nicely manufactured drama. There were injuries! There were dangerous lifts! And there was Heidi Sugababe?s golden vadge! Her terrifying, terrifying golden ladybits.

Before old Bigface Sugababe assaulted our eyes with her genitals though, the rest of the skaters were subjected to injury and actual sexual assault. Like Jennifer Ellison, who has ruined her ribs, apparently. Which was INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC and caused her to change her routine at the last moment and look like she was about to die when she came off the ice.

We did not feel the required amount of sympathy. Although that's maybe because we have no soul.

Dancing on Ice Review: Too Many Andys

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Dancing on Ice. It's always been the runty sibling of the celeb reality shows, hasn't it? Relegated to Sunday nights in January when anyone with any sense is in the pub breaking every single resolution all at once. They may be missing a show that clearly has the best premise of any show ever broadcast ever, but they don’t care. The fools.

The magic of DOI is that its full celebrities so desperate for attention that they're willing to brain themselves on some frozen water in the vain hope that they might get a feature in Closer magazine about their incredible new figure.

They?re putting themselves in actual, mortal danger. Because they want to be back on TV. Does anything ever get better than that?

It’s The Desperate Slags On Ice Lineup Everybody! Is Your Favourite Sugababe In Here?!

January 4th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Still reeling from the Christmas carbohydrate intake and eventually calming down from the unfortunate and thinly veiled insults from your elderly, racist grandmother? Well don't get too comfortable because your rage-meter is set to reach all new, Jeremy Clarkson-esque highs with the unveiling of the Desperate Slags on Ice lineup.

Dancing On Ice always been a one-stop WTF shop, comprised of people you'd generally forgotten had even existed, only to turn up, get their face smashed off ice and then slink off into The Bill or Holby City, or if they're lucky, series 300 of My Family.

It's the final stop on the bus ride to celebrity oblivion before Celebrity Big Brother with Michael Barrymore and whatever natural body parts of Pete Burns are left.