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Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston Not Pregnant, Still Fairly Annoying

by Stuart Heritage

People, it’s OK – there’s not going to be a baby with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s blood running through it any more.

Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that’s not the case. And how do we know?

Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse – something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked – thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we’re now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston’s new movie called, um, whatever it’s called.

People, it's OK - there's not going to be a baby with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's blood running through it any more. Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that's not the case. And how do we know? Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse - something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked - thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we're now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston's new movie called, um, whatever it's called.
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Dear God, Is Jennifer Aniston Pregnant Now?

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart – she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart - she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment. Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it's not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going "Feeeed meee! I'm so hungryyy!" Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer's baby. Oh, and they're getting married as well. Allegedly. If this is true, we can't help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn't be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer - she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It's the only way.
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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer: Somewhat Tediously Back On

by Stuart Heritage

Mayerston? Johnnifer? Jehn Anistayer? Manny Man Maniston? We need to think up a cute compound name fast, because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back on.

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, the celebrity couple that you know nobody cares the slightest sniff about, presumably not even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, who get shoved into your face around the clock regardless – are back on, with Aniston apparently being the guest of honour at Mayer’s 31st birthday party.

What’s more, John Mayer has apparently written a song about Jennifer Aniston to show his devotion, sealing their romance. The song, entitled Shut Up You Whiny Pinch-Faced Bitch, is due for release next month by the way.

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer Spotted ‘Tonguing’ ‘Each Other’

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were perhaps the greatest couple ever, given that they’re both carefree, fun-loving, girl-haired attention-seekers.

And that’s why, when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up earlier this year, the world slipped into a deep gloom. For instance, you know how the stock market collapsed and capitalism ended and food and fuel prices suddenly surged and the environment’s on the brink of disaster and we’re all going to die of bird flu? Yeah, that all happened because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up. It’s true.

However, it’s time to get out the bunting because now Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together! And if they’re not back together, then they’ve almost certainly been caught with their tongues wedged right the way down each other’s gullet in an airport in front of everyone. So, you know, get the bunting out once the waves of nausea have subsided. There’s no rush.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were perhaps the greatest couple ever, given that they're both carefree, fun-loving, girl-haired attention-seekers. And that's why, when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up earlier this year, the world slipped into a deep gloom. For instance, you know how the stock market collapsed and capitalism ended and food and fuel prices suddenly surged and the environment's on the brink of disaster and we're all going to die of bird flu? Yeah, that all happened because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up. It's true. However, it's time to get out the bunting because now Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together! And if they're not back together, then they've almost certainly been caught with their tongues wedged right the way down each other's gullet in an airport in front of everyone. So, you know, get the bunting out once the waves of nausea have subsided. There's no rush.
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Jennifer Aniston Has Dinner With Brad Pitt! Dinner! Possibly!

by Stuart Heritage

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston may have had a secret dinner together, so you know what this means – Jennifer Aniston actually eats stuff. Weird.

According to reports, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up in secret during the Toronto Film Festival, where Brad Pitt is promoting Burn After Reading and Jennifer Aniston is promoting her recent break-up with John Mayer or a new haircut or something. Seriously, we haven’t bothered to check.

Anyway, this Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston dinner might not have happened – in fact, it’s more likely that Brad and Jennifer went to great lengths to studiously avoid each other – but let’s report the dinner as fact anyway. That way we might anger Angelina Jolie enough to stop thumping out a baby with a stupid name every couple of minutes. We’re doing you a favour, really.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston may have had a secret dinner together, so you know what this means - Jennifer Aniston actually eats stuff. Weird. According to reports, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston met up in secret during the Toronto Film Festival, where Brad Pitt is promoting Burn After Reading and Jennifer Aniston is promoting her recent break-up with John Mayer or a new haircut or something. Seriously, we haven't bothered to check. Anyway, this Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Aniston dinner might not have happened - in fact, it's more likely that Brad and Jennifer went to great lengths to studiously avoid each other - but let's report the dinner as fact anyway. That way we might anger Angelina Jolie enough to stop thumping out a baby with a stupid name every couple of minutes. We're doing you a favour, really.
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Quick, Jennifer Aniston’s Back On TV! Everybody Hide!

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when Jennifer Aniston was famous for acting rather than limply flouncing between a million doomed relationships like a big soggy dullard?

Us neither, actually. But, hey, good news! Jennifer Aniston’s somehow managed to stop being such a needy whining pissbag for long enough to get a proper acting job on the television! It’s been reported that Aniston’s signed up to film a guest spot on the next series of 30 Rock.

That’s great news, because personally we’d missed seeing Jennifer Aniston on TV. It’s been getting kind of boring only watching her on the 1,300 episodes of Friends broadcast by E4 every single day. In fact, there was a couple of seconds yesterday where Jennifer Aniston’s pointy face wasn’t being directly shoved down our throats, so this 30 Rock guest spot will fill this void nicely. Thanks, Jennifer Aniston! You’re the greatest!

Remember when Jennifer Aniston was famous for acting rather than limply flouncing between a million doomed relationships like a big soggy dullard? Us neither, actually. But, hey, good news! Jennifer Aniston's somehow managed to stop being such a needy whining pissbag for long enough to get a proper acting job on the television! It's been reported that Aniston's signed up to film a guest spot on the next series of 30 Rock. That's great news, because personally we'd missed seeing Jennifer Aniston on TV. It's been getting kind of boring only watching her on the 1,300 episodes of Friends broadcast by E4 every single day. In fact, there was a couple of seconds yesterday where Jennifer Aniston's pointy face wasn't being directly shoved down our throats, so this 30 Rock guest spot will fill this void nicely. Thanks, Jennifer Aniston! You're the greatest!
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Jennifer Aniston Still a ‘Lady’, John Mayer Keeps Moths in His Wallet

by Ian Dransfield

John Mayer has, rather unsurprisingly, been using his breakup with Jennifer Aniston to get himself a nice big slice of publicity. It’s not that we didn’t expect him to go down that route, but it does still irritate when it actually happens. After all, he is still a dull nobody that would have faded into [...]

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Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer Split: He Can’t Commit, She May be Mental

by Ian Dransfield

Aww, put the confetti away – it seems Jennifer Aniston is destined for a life of endless unfulfilling relationships after her fling with John Mayer was consigned to nothingness. Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – [...]

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer All Super Nonstop Kissy Kissy

by Stuart Heritage

Quick, get your confetti out – this fling between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seems to be getting pretty serious.

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer: Either Dating Or Quite Hungry

by Stuart Heritage

All anyone wants for Jennifer Aniston is happiness – a quiet, private happiness that makes her so happy she stops making films.

And, fingers crossed, she might have just stumbled onto it. It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston may have found love with squidge-faced bluesman John Mayer after the pair of them were both seen eating in a restaurant with ‘their heads close together.’ Sounds like love to us.

If it’s true it’s nice to see that Jennifer Aniston has successfully moved on from Brad Pitt once and for all, and has learnt her lesson about getting into relationships with tedious-looking prettyboys by getting into a relationship with a… oh. Never mind.

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