Despite everything we’ve said, alluded to or thought over the last six months, we’re thrilled that Beverly Hills 90210 is coming back. Really.

Why? Because new Beverly Hills 90210 makes a clean break from the past. It’s banished all the pastel sweaters and pouffy hair of the old Beverly Hills 90210 and brought in a brand new team of youngsters who underline just how completely brand new the brand new Beverly Hills 90210 is. It’s brand new, you know.

So who’s the biggest star of this super-new, bleeding-edge Beverly Hills 90210? Um, Shannen Doherty. Off the old Beverly Hills 90210. But it’s not all cripplingly pointless news, because now she’s famous again, Shannen Doherty gets to put the record straight about a fight she didn’t have with Jennie Garth more than a decade ago. Whew!

There are a few surprising things about the new series of Beverly Hills 90210. Firstly, the studio responsible has only decided to abbreviate its title down to 90210 rather than wrongly pander to its braindead young audience and call it something like Bevvaleee Hilz Nine Oh Too Won Piss.

Secondly, Shannen Doherty is back in it. Shannen Doherty, for crying out loud. Since leaving the original show in 1994 because everyone agreed that she was a stroppy little princess who crew and co-stars to peel her boiled eggs for her (or something), Shannen Doherty has been filling her wilderness years with one Kevin Smith film, about 30 seconds of Charmed, a car crash and the worst-sounding TV show in history.

But now Shannen Doherty is back, and she’s got a few scores to settle. Like, for instance, remember that time that Shannen Doherty and her Beverly Hills 90210 co-star Jennie Garth had a real-life fist-fight? No?

Actually us neither – we only have a finite amount of brainspace and we’d rather use it to remember what our relatives look like than to store information about violent incidents between two people from a 15-year-old TV show that we never even liked in the first place – but that’s not going to stop Shannen Doherty from banging on about it, is it?

No. You see, Shannen Doherty has decided to finally come forward and proclaim that the fist-fight between her and Jennie Garth never even happened. Shannen told Us Weekly:

“We never did,” Doherty, 37, tells Us. “I think I would remember Jennie’s fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face. It just goes to show you how people will lie.”

Great stuff. Breath a sigh of relief, everyone. Oh, you already are. What’s that? You’re not breathing a sigh of relief? That’s actually a sigh of disappointment and barely-concealed anger at Shannen Doherty, Us Weekly and hecklerspray for wasting your time with a story about something that didn’t even happen, even though if it did actually happen it wouldn’t have altered a single molecule of your life anyway?

Whoops.

It must be an epic ride being Tori Spelling – living the trials, tribulations and… trials again of a Hollywood superstar.

Well, it would be if she actually did anything worthwhile ever, instead of just getting knocked up and kind of lingering around, like that person at a party you kind of know but don’t want to talk to but at the same time don’t want to ask to leave as that would be far too rude. Even though they’re standing there, people are staring and it’s killing the funtime vibe – you’re ruining the party, Tori Spelling. Get out.

Ahem.

It would seem that this is the exact attitude favoured by the execs behind the remake of Beverly Hills 90210 – imaginatively titled 90210 – who appear to have asked Tori to leave the TV party. Maybe it didn’t quite happen like that, but we’re trying to fit this in with quite a poorly-thought out and stretched analogy. Hush down.

Listen: Tori Spelling was on board for the new 90210, probably being all ‘like whoa’ and all deep and introspective (while being rich) when she was getting into character, but then she found out that her co-stars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth, were being paid around $50,000 per episode, whereas poor old Tori was only getting about $20,000 for each exciting adventure.

Unsurprisingly, little Miss Spelling reacted quite badly to the news, demanded equal pay and was turned down. Unsurprisinglyier, Tori then backed out of the show, leaving 90210 again without Donna Martin - just as it was in the 90s when she ended her run on the show after numerous spats with the cast and crew. Old habits, and all that.

Fortunately, there is more than enough for Tori Spelling to fall back on – she has… hmm… this one’s a toughie… well, she has a kid to look after… and… hmm… nope – that’s about it, really. She could write another book, or sell more of her stuff or something, but she doesn’t really seem to have that much else going for her right now.

While she may have had a point in expecting wage equality with her guest appearances on the new 90210, hecklerspray didn’t really know what to think about it all. Then we were pointed in the direction of one of those ‘quote’ things where someone said some words about it, and it told us what to think. The source told Deadline Hollywood Daily:

“She thought she deserved parity, and she’s got a point.”

Which is the kind of statement you don’t really want to argue with – straightforward, no fluff, gets the point across: some textbook quoteage. Well done that ‘source’.

Alas – even with the crippling loss of Tori Spelling, it looks as if the producers intend to actually go ahead with 90210. How they could dare we do not know, but the premiere of the show is set to air on September 2nd. We will be watching, probably crying and definitely laughing at how bad it’s sure to be.

Not that we’re negative or anything.