Because that’s incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins – and now it’s been rumoured that he’s hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant.

And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.

It’s good to see that after all the arguments, comparisons to butchery cast-offs and possibly having it away with steroid-using idiots, Guy Ritchie and Madonna have managed to move on from their divorce with the utmost dignity.

Well, you know, dignity only relative to two people who dress up like slutty 14-year-olds and make the worst films in the history of planet Earth respectively. Madonna is apparently going out with a boy named Jesus who could literally only be younger than he currently is if he was a test tube full of sperm, and Guy Ritchie is still cartwheeling after a woman so unrelentingly upper class that she probably employs a full staff of Indonesians just to keep riff-raff out of her eyeline in case one of them offends her delicate sensibilities.

You may remember that Guy Ritchie and Hugh Grant’s ex-girlfriend Jemima Khan were possibly but not quite a couple back in December. Well we’ve got some blisteringly hot news for you – Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan are… still possibly but not quite a couple. Gigantic news, we know. Gather yourselves and read what the News Of The World has to say about it:

One close friend told me: “They’re taking things slowly as Guy doesn’t want to throw himself back into the dating world so soon after splitting with him. Jemima has been there to comfort him — they’ve become very good friends because of it. But everyone can see there’s clearly a connection between them and I don’t think anyone would be surprised if they take things on to the next level.”

Personally we’re hoping that Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan do manage to take things on to the next level, because at this rate, the next level would be ’sharing a strand of spaghetti like in Lady And The Tramp except the strand of spaghetti is nine miles long and they’re both quite full up’.

Honestly, we’ve calculated that Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan are moving so slowly that they’d need to take things on by about 300 extra levels before they actually become a couple, which we’d like to see because they’d probably split up a couple of days afterwards and then we’d actually have something decent to write about for once. People, let’s make it happen.

Read more:

A Guy Khan Look! – NOTW

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Or, to be more specific, they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak.

To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen ‘canoodling’ with Jemima Khan – a woman who’s basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.

The best thing about the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce – aside from the happy relief that we’ll never see Madonna star in a woefully-directed cockney gangster thriller about some nonces trying to turn over the Kabbalah – is that they’ve both managed to make a clean break of it.

It was simple – Madonna and Guy Ritchie decided to split up, Madonna handed Guy Ritchie an obscene amount of money and they both went on their merry ways. Since then, Madonna has been seen gyrating her crotch at Alex Rodriguez and, if today’s reports are true, a dancing teenage Jesus – although we’ll admit that we haven’t actually read today’s reports properly – and Guy Ritchie doesn’t seem to be doing too badly out of this either.

Not only has Guy Ritchie been romantically linked with a ginger girl from his new film, but he’s also apparently set his sights on Jemima Khan, the aristocratic ex-girlfriend of Hugh Grant, daughter of right-wing billionaire James Goldsmith and former wife of Star Trek villain Khan Noonien Singh.

Those of you with pointlessly long memories will remember that Jemima Khan is the woman who got the hump because Hugh Grant didn’t want to marry her and then left, and then went back to him, and then left, and then went back to him and blah blah blah forever until everyone died. And now it looks like it might be time for her to go through all that kerfuffle again with Guy RItchie. They’ve been canoodling, don’t you know. Monsters And Critics reports:

Guy Ritchie has a new squeeze, it has been reported. According to London’s Telegraph, the director was canoodling with British millionaire heiress Jemima Khan. The report says that Ritchie and Khan attended a U.K. dinner party together earlier this month, hosted by Matthew Freud and his wife, Elisabeth Murdoch.

Actually, we’re hoping this rumour is true. Guy Ritchie and Jemina Khan would be such a good match for each other. Jemima has lived her entire life in the shadow of powerful men, so we’d have to endure fewer of the ridiculous power struggles that Guy constantly had with Madonna. More importantly, though, Jemima Khan is bloody well loaded, so if Guy moves fast enough he can marry her and then divorce her by Easter and he’ll probably get another pub out of it.

Still, though – Guy Ritchie isn’t the only with a type, is he? First Hugh Grant and now Guy Ritchie? It seems like nothing turns Jemima Khan on more than British people who make rubbish films but are bizarrely lauded in America. If we were James McAvoy, we’d be investing in a decent pair of running shoes.

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