Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
We all know Britain’s premiere broadcaster Channel 5 is working its socks off to bring us the very best in televisual entertainment every single day, which is why you’ll be pleased to hear that they’ve come up with the perfect vehicle for John & Edward Grimes, more commonly known as the entity “Jedward”!
Lucky us!
The TV gurus at Channel 5 have given the plucky lads the opportunity to stamp their chirpy brand of brain-damaged humour all over the home video clip show.
On hecklerspray, as in life, sometimes it is necessary to choose sides. Sometimes it’s easy and you can choose a party who has been cheated on or lied to and who isn’t acting like an overgrown baby about every little thing.
Then sometimes you just have to choose the lesser of two evils.
When it’s a straight shoot-out between argumentative Kenneth Williams impersonator Louis Walsh and pint-sized “hater” hater and Swagger Jagger inflicter Cher Lloyd the lines become blurred and shades of grey begin to set in. Eventually we just had to be loyal and consider who we’d hated the longest.
Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!
Blue?s fairly average effort at the Eurovision Song Contest over the weekend, in which they discussed the merits of a mysterious figure named ?Ican?, brought to light an interesting political phenomenon north of the border (in Scotland, yeah?).
On realizing that even Jedward were better than the UK entry, several sources on the Twitter could be heard muttering darkly that this was as good a reason as any to vote ?yes? to Independence in Big Eck?s referendum.
A lot of people in Scotland will tell you they voted SNP t?other week on the grounds that they did a pretty decent job of the last four months in government; because their traditional faith in the Lib Dems has been bummed to within an inch of its life; or because they were inherently disgusted by the prospect of Labour leader Iain Gray?s toupee-like hair representing the nation at international events, behaving like a ferret on ketamine. But that's all lies. What the Scottish people really want is to be able to put forward their own entry to the Eurovision.
White cliffs of Dover-haired, auto-tune fiends John and Edward have taken the time to point out the cripplingly obvious fact they must be celibate. ‘Jedward’ who, until recently, were conjoined twins connected by the vocal chords have stated in an interview?that they have taken a vow of celibacy.
Members of their female fan base, the twins revealed their desire to keep their pale cocks in their pants in an interview with GT magazine. The Irish twins insisted that they won’t be taking advantage of their groupies because sex is strictly off limits; clearly ignoring the fact that most of their fans are too young to give a good porking to in the first instance.
The pair were said to have taken their vow in front of their proud parents and a presumably furiously masturbating Louis Walsh who managed to turn toward an intern just at the moment of orgasm, otherwise that couple of seconds would probably have been the focus of the news story.
In the first 2 weeks of the Apprentice we saw the candidates tackle Bangers and Beaches. This week our intrepid job-seekers took on another couple of words starting with the letter b, namely baking and boredom.
Lord Sugar told his gaggle of personality deficient buzzword soundboards that they had to go about, ?turning flour into serious dough.?
What followed was an hour of television that was less interesting and engaging than waiting in line at Greggs.
Strangely, there is one small thing that Jedward and Michael Jackson have in common which isn't related to music. Even though both artists are as culturally important as 56k internet dial-up connection, they have still continued to somehow remain in the public eye. Jedward crop up at any given opportunity to suck the teat of fame whilst Michael Jackson relies on his army of psychotic fans to breathe life in to his otherwise rotting corpse.
At first, we assumed that Jedward were going to be releasing an album covering the late singer, but with an Irish twist. Imagine hits such as ‘Earth Song (So I Can Grow Me Spuds)’ and ‘Don't Stop ?Til You've Downed Your Stout In One!’
Even we?d relent and pay 79p for a download. Sadly it seems, this project isn't happening, nor is any musical dream of these combining forces. Boringly Jedward have just stupidly gone and bought the crusty old sheets of Michael Jackson. Are they clean or full of jizz stains? Actually, we don't want to know.
The ending of Big Brother (when they actually, you know, get round to taking it off the telly and take it round the back of the Channel 4 shed to cave it's head in with a spade) seems to have created a vacuum of crappy, ill-judged housemates designed to make the average person want to drive a sinusoidal stake through their eye.
Just the other week saw the momentous cultural juggernaut that is Jedward: Let Loose was introduced onto the nation?s screens, provoking dozens of the manufactures of basic building materials to commit suicide, just in case they provided a single brick or sliver of cement to the house that they are living in. Glassmakers, on the other hand are waiting till the end of the series before they start topping themselves, on the off chance that a pane of glass might shatter and stick in one of the twins’ eyes, or shear one of their heads off between vertebrae C3 and C4.
But that's not all. There's another, worse one, round the corner. It features Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. Ugh, we know.
I honestly don't know why people want to know the goings-on of the third placed contestant of a rubbish talent show that aired nine years ago, but in case anyone is bothered, Darius Danesh (or whatever he’s called now) nearly died at the weekend.
Nearly died. Not ?actually? died. Not ?suffered irreparable damage to his larynx?. Not ?hilariously squashed his winky in a car door and now has to make an agonising decision to either have it removed and live like a girl for the rest of his life or to simply try and refashion the lumpen remains into vaguely the right shape with offcuts of meat and hairnets. No, he ?nearly died?. Which basically means he's nothing, and he's fine, and you might as well stop reading now, unless you have some kind of sick perversion which compels you to find out the exact circumstances behind the accident of every twelfth-rate celebrity with over inflated senses of entitlement.
Seriously, there's no death, no amusing dismemberment, and Jedward weren't even in the same car to suffer a fatal hairdo related injury. There is so little point in continuing.
Everyone seems to think that technology has made life easier now.
But it hasn't. If anything the floodgates have been opened and let an influx of morons cause nothing but annoyance. Prior to websites like YouTube, we watched crap TV, but it was well made rubbish that later went on to win multiple BAFTAs.
Thanks to the surge of reality TV, ‘celebrities’ are shot out of the fame womb and into our faces daily. Jedward have experienced an amazing year of energetically pissing us off with their ability to be pop stars despite being useless at singing, dancing and miming. With X Factor 2010 starting soon, the brotherly duo probably realise their time is up and the fame baton will be passed on to another singer whose true potential is only reached when they shove his their hand into a bear trap. Fear not though, Jedward aren't going down without a fight. They?re going to chop off their trademark quiffs to gain your attention.
