It doesn’t matter that you’re as hard as nails and have shown yourself to be quite the dancer in the background of one scene in Breakdance: The Movie, your heart can still batter you in a fight. Of course, we’re talking figuratively here about action-flick legend Jean-Claude Van Damme having a heart attack.

The Muscles from Brussels was reportedly hospitalized in New Orleans after suffering a heart attack the day after his 50th birthday.

What was his birthday cake made of? Steroids and butter?

Anyway, Van Damme suffered the heart attack while shooting his latest film called Weapon according to E! News. May we stop briefly to applaud the title of that film. We’re imagining that the ‘weapon’ is Mr Van Damme himself. He’s probably got feet made out of bullets or something.

Production had been taking place in Romania until last week when the cast and crew flew to New Orleans for a few days of filming.

However, shortly after arriving in the US, the entire shoot was put on hold due to ‘complications’.

Or, if you don’t work in Hollywood, ‘complications’ means ‘Jean Claude Van Damme has had a heart-attack’. That’s not very nice is it? Get Well Soon cards from Hollywood productions houses must be the most emotionless thing in the world (well, maybe second to Gillian McKeith).

Dear Jean Claude Van Damme, we hope you become less complicated soon. Yours, Dark Movie Overlords.

Van Damme’s wife and mother of two of his children, Gladys Portugues, are said to have joined him in New Orleans.

You’re probably thinking that we’re being especially flippant about someone being rather ill. It’s okay (we hope). He was admitted to hospital before being released and returning to Belgium where he’s expected to make a full recovery.

See?

He’s fine.

OKAY?

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Last week hecklerspray was invited to the Cannes Film Festival for a few days as guests of Stella Artois.

Here are 10 things we now know about this year’s festival that no other website will tell you (or even care about)…

1 – That Darth Vader is not as big as he looks in the movies and in his spare time likes to cavort with half-naked girls in clubs

OK, so it wasn’t really the Dark Lord of the Sith, but a midget dressed up as him. However, it was by far the finest moment of the trip. The Force was certainly strong with him as he threw shapes on the dance floor surrounded by seven of the most stunning girls hecklerspray has ever been allowed to get close to without violating some kind of court order.

The scary thing is that, while our gaze was fixed almost entirely on the writhing girls, looking at some of the strange people in the club, there were definitely some who only had eyes for Dwarf Vader and his tiny lightsabre. Here is a very blurry picture, but we hope to have a video of it soon.

2 – That Eva Longoria really does not want to talk to hecklerspray

Even if we pathetically run after her at a VIP party screaming “Eeeva”. At one point we are pretty sure she started to break into a jog. In fact, her bodyguard was even less impressed. Sorry we don’t have a picture of the blessed event, but, as much as we can remember from our drunken haze, she was very small, very pretty, had very big hair and a designer dress with jewels encrusted in it. We think. There were also a lot of Russian hookers around. See, who needs Vanity Fair?

3 – That you really need to apply sun cream, even if it’s cloudy

Or you will end with third degree burns, looking like the Singing Detective and shunned by your embarrassed peers.

4 – That Jean Claude van Damme likes hecklerspray more than Eva Longoria, but dresses like a kid with an Asbo

Well, he at least said hello and shook our hand – almost breaking it in the process. However, he would not have his picture taken with us, possibly because he could sense the desperation in our eyes, but mainly because he did not want people to realise he was shorter than the dwarf in the Darth Vader outfit. We did manage to take a couple of pictures, however, before he got very uncomfortable and went AWOL (get it?).

Now we are big fans of the Muscles from Brussels but were baffled with what he was wearing (even we made an effort by wearing a suit). Tracksuit bottoms and a white T-shirt? Maybe now he is unemployed he spends most of his time in his backyard in Essex, drinking strong lager (not Stella), smoking tabs and shouting at the neighbours.

5 – That Ethan Hawke is a very small man who tries to compensate by hiring the cast of 300 to protect him

OK, so it wasn’t quite an entire army of Spartan soldiers, but five bodyguards, who even followed him into the toilet. But every movie star we saw was a lot smaller than we thought they would be. In fact, we had to check we were in Cannes rather than Lilliput.

6 – That Universal bosses think Russell Crowe is ‘a bastard’

Of course, that is assuming the guy we spoke to was actually who he says he was and that he was not joking when he said it. Maybe he was cursing the grumpy Australian after just seeing the movie Robin Hood for the first time. We certainly were. Despite the fanfare, the film was rubbish, proof if ever you needed it that while you can’t polish a turd, you can always roll it in glitter.

7 – That taxi drivers in Cannes are murderous, treacherous swines

How do we know this? Well, all we can say is that we are lucky to still be here after being hit not once but twice on pedestrian crossings. In fact, they even accelerated. Maybe Eva Longoria hired them.

8 – That Russell Crowe can handle his drink

We arrived at the Robin Hood party at midnight – about three hours after Crowe. We were told he had already gone, but he actually did not leave until 5am after quite a few drinks. Mind you, he had just been given the dreaded slow hand clap by the Cannes audience after trying to address them at the end of the movie and was probably nursing his bruised, king-sized ego.

9 – That the Cannes film festival attracts a lot of strange people

Women dressed as zombies, pensioners with mullets dressed in pyjamas – and that’s just the celebrities. It’s like walking around a David Lynch movie.

10 – That there is no way of telling people you are going to Cannes without sounding like a smug knob

Believe us, we at least tried.

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They may be able to talk the talk – but can they really walk the walk?

Hollywood movies are littered with so-called tough guys. But take away their stunt doubles, green screens and fake guns and what do you have left? Nic Cage? He’s just a lanky streak of piss. Mel Gibson? Give me a break. Mark Wahlberg? Don’t make us laugh. Tom Cruise? Now you really are taking the piss.

Well, hecklerspray has come up with a list of Hollywood actors we think really could mix it with the best of them. These are Hollywood hardmen who really did live up to the name.

Enjoy! And if you have a problem with our choices, we’ll be waiting outside…

25. Kurt Russell

He’s the only Snake we like. In his heyday he could kick your ass with just one eye.

24. Bruce Willis

OK, so maybe we are getting carried away after watching the Die Hard series too many times – but what the hell.

23. Lee Marvin

He would slap you like a bitch.

22. Jason Statham

OK, so he would probably get his arse kicked by someone higher than a blue belt in karate, but we’ll let him off because he’s British and went out with Kelly Brook. What do you mean those are stupid reasons?

21. James Gandolfini

Whatever you do –don’t get on the wrong side of him.

20. David Carradine

Forget the fact the he died dressed as a lady in a cupboard with a string around his penis – he was in Kill Bill! Are you kidding?

19. Charles Bronson

You would have to have had a Death Wish to take on Charles Bronson in his prime.

18. Steve McQueen

There’s menace in those eyes of his – mark our words. It’s also just an excuse to see one of the best movie car chase scenes ever.

17. Chow Yun-Fat

He’s one Fat guy you would not want to tease.

16. Jackie Chan

It’s hard to think of Jackie Chan as a tough guy, but would you pick a fight with him?

15. Jack Bauer

Technically he’s a character and not a real person, so he probably shouldn’t be on this list. But are you going to tell him that?

14. Steven Seagal

Would have appeared higher but for a story we heard about the Divine Ponytail. Apparently, Seagal was always trash-talking Van Damme back in the day. But then one day while in a nightclub Van Damme had enough and offered Seagal out for a fight, which he backed out of. So it’s official – Seagal is not as hard as Van Damme.

13. Vin Diesel

Something tells us he’s all fart and no shit, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

12. Russell Crowe

OK, so he’s a complete knob. But you get the impression he can handle himself pretty well.

11. James Cagney

So he was a dwarf – but he was a streetwise one. You would not want to turn your back on him, that’s for sure.

10. Toshiro Mifune

A World War Two veteran, Toshiro is best known for his collaboration with filmmaker Akira Kurosawa in films such as Rashomon, Seven Samurai, Throne of Blood and Yojimbo. He’s also pretty handy with a sword.

9. Sean Connery

A former bodybuilder who even now at hundred and something could probably kick the crap out of most of the supposed Hollywood tough guys.

8. Clint Eastwood

You really would not want to get on the wrong side of Clint.

7. John Wayne

Embodied everything a Hollywood tough guy should be. Now shut up and drink your milk.

6. Jean Claude Van Damme

Would have been higher but for the fact he’s Belgian. Nobody from Belgium is that hard.

5. Jet Li

One scary bastard.

4. Dolph Lundgren

During the filming of Rocky IV, Dolph  - a former karate champion in his homeland of Sweden – hit Sly so hard he was put in intensive care.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger

OK, so he has become a bit of a joke. But laugh in front of him and it could be hasta la vista baby.

2. Bruce Lee

The greatest icon in martial arts cinema. Just was not quite as hard in real life as Chuck Norris, who had a beard and a hairy chest to prove that. But just for Bruce Lee fans, above is Lee kicking the crap out of a young Chuck Norris. Only in the movies…

1. Chuck Norris

There is nothing on this planet harder than Chuck Norris – it’s a fact. He’s the only man alive that could stage a military coup all on his own. And just to back that up, here are some FACTS about Chuck Norris, courtesy of chucknorrisfacts.com.
1. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
2. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognises the element of surprise.
3. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
4. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
6. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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10 - We don’t want this, because it’s not like we walk down the street bellowing “BALLOON PORN!” into our phones enough as it is. But thanks for telling us about it anyway, foetus…

9 – If Skins was really an accurate representation of teenage life, then it’d actually look just like this – Best Week Ever

8 - Ways to be cleverer – Readersdigest

7 - Movie monsters! Woo! – Wired

6 - A slow motion raspberry. Don’t watch if you’re eating anything, or thinking about eating anything – I Am Bored

5 - The Time Life photo archive is now online. Take two hours off from whatever you’re doing and marvel – Google

4 - Reasons why we love Jean Claude Van Damme, number 48 - Newsweek

3 - Want to listen to Alesha Dixon‘s new album? Yes you do. You do. You DO – Popjustice

2 - What does the new Lost poster teach us? Nothing, that’s what. Don’t look so surprised – Docarzt

1 - Remember Chocolate Rain? Ha ha ha. Oh, Chocolate Rain - Comedy