Which two? God knows, frankly. After Wednesday night's face-to-face nominations the only people who definitely won't be evicted tonight are Anthony and John. Everyone else is fair game, and we're buggered if we know who'll be evicted.

So instead, ostrich-style, we're going to ignore tonight's double eviction and keep our eyes on Monday's prize, starting today with the four housemates who don't stand a flipping chance of winning.

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Calista, Jay, Nathan and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Calista - It's taken a while for Calista to develop a personality within Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, but thank God she finally has. Admittedly it's the personality of a stark-staring lusty-eyed witch who can't stop gawping at Anthony and involuntarily twitching. It's not a pretty sight, and that's probably why Calista's the least favourite to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. That and the dawning public realisation that Anthony now understands that he'll be knee deep in girls from Monday night so the last thing he should do is shack up with – let's admit it – a woman who looks slightly like the Crazy Frog. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Jay – Despite the early promises, Jay hasn't turned out to be quite as objectionable as we assumed. So why is he so unlikely to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? It might be because he's failed to really connect with any of the other housemates. Or it might be because whenever we hear Big Brother say "Can Jay please come to the Diary Room," we spend about 30 seconds going "Jay? Is there a housemate called Jay? Which one's that? Oh, Jaaaaaaay!" and since we've been following this bloody thing professionally that's not really a very good sign. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Nathan – You know what we liked best about Nathan at the start of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? The way he went "brap brap brap" whenever he was happy. And you know what Nathan hasn't done since about three days into Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Anything at all. Seriously, Nathan's plan to get more fans by appearing on Big Brother has backfired furiously – unless of course he thinks that inert lumps with no personality are what the kids like these days. And, let's be fair, he might be right – that's the only way we can explain the popularity of Keane. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 33/1

Jeremy – What we like best about Jeremy is that, even though he cracks a lot of jokes all the time, it's all obviously such a badly-built defence mechanism that it wouldn't take long to have him wailing and crying and sucking his thumb. But with just one long weekend left in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, that's plainly not going to happen. So we'll have awkward, geeky wisecracker Jeremy to put up with, unless he's evicted tonight. Ace. No, really… Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

On Monday – Betting odds for the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack frontrunners. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Answer: We’re about to find out now that Victor and Liam have been evicted from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. In a single stroke on Friday, two of the most befuddlingly watchable housemates were wiped out – one because he clearly hated women so much that he made Arthur Schopenhauer look like a cuddly feminist and the other because he fucking meows to himself. How will the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house cope without Victor and Liam? Oh, don’t pretend that you care.

Nominations got done yesterday, and we’ll let you know about those later in the week, but for now, who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Calista, Latoya and Jay, with help from Paddy Power…

Calista – Calista and Anthony have been the big ‘will they, won’t they?’ hit of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack so far. The ‘will they, won’t they’ in question of course referring to whether or not their constant dopey-eyed flirting will cause Calista’s boyfriend to dump her in a lurid tabloid kiss-and-tell story.

It probably won’t happen for three reasons. They are:

1) As far as we’ve been able to tell, Calista’s relationship with Anthony seems to mainly involve keeping him at arm’s length while he yammers on about his feelings.

2) Judging by these Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds, Calista will be evicted soon enough.

3) No fucker watches Big Brother Celebrity Hijack and therefore nobody gives a toss about Calista’s boyfriend anyway. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 50/1

Latoya – So it looks like Latoya isn’t completely pointless after all, because last week she managed to wind Victor up almost to the point of violence. Actually, come to think of it, you could probably show Victor a photograph of a pigeon and he’d be wound up almost to the point of violence – but if we let that slip then we’d have one less interesting fact about Latoya to tell you.

And since that’s the only pissing interesting fact about Latoya in the first place, we’ll protect it with our lives. And, yes, this is basically a long-winded way of telling you that Latoya is one boring shithead and her eviction from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house can’t come soon enough. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Jay – Similarly, Jay’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds have fallen exponentially as well, and that might have had something to do with last week’s toe-curling ‘I know, let’s be really crazy and improv a fight!’ moment that he was a part of.

Not only was the whole thing the sort of attention-seeking, deliberately inflammatory codswallop that causes people to hate students in the first place, but who uses the word ‘improv’ anyway?

People who deserve to have their teeth knocked out by concrete seagulls, that’s who, and we now include Jay in that. Improv. Bloody improv. Get out of our Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, you massive twat. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, Emila and Jeremy. Probably. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Nor is the fact that Victor’s already up for Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction this Friday. What is important is that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack seems to be turning into 24, and we don’t know why.

Look at the facts. As soon as the first housemate entered the house he was given a Jack Bauer-style earpiece to wear, and then on Saturday the housemates were all given a Jack Bauer-style interrogation. What next? Will the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have to cut each others’ hands off with fire axes? Will one of them get caught in a bear trap while a mountain lion prowls around them until Matt Dillon’s brother rescues them and tries to keep them as a wife? We must know!

Anyway, who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win for Victor, Liam, Calista and Jay, with help from Paddy Power…

Victor – Although hurling a scrawny woman around on a pair of rollerskates is the talent that Victor spoke of when he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, we’re starting to think that his real talent is escaping evictions even though there isn’t a single person on the planet who seems to like him. Thanks to his ridiculous chauvinism, exceptional conceitedness and inability to express even the simplest of emotions, the entire Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house hates him, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd vocally hates him and the television audience hates him. And yet Victor is still in the house. What’s wrong with you people? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Liam – Liam is what we’ve decided to term a Big Brother timebomb. The public’s resentment of Liam is building all the time to such an extent that his Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tenure is over the moment he’s even shortlisted for eviction. But what is it about Liam that people can’t stand? His stupid floppy hair? His Wolfman eyebrows? His bizarre transatlantic accent? The way he says ‘guys’ every other word? The fact that he’s only about 12 and already claims to have slept with 50 men and women? The way that he’ll often go somewhere and sit alone just so that he can meow at himself? Why, yes. Yes, all of those things. We’ll worry about Liam taking over the world when we need to, but for now let’s just get him out of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Calista – On paper Calista looks like a lot of fun – what with her virtuoso piano skills and her confusing insistence on painting her face like a native American smashed on Haribo on eviction nights and all – but in person, stripped of a piano for her to smack around singing songs about fannies, Calista’s probably the worst-value Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate that there is. It’s impossible to hate Calista, but it’s equally hard to like her because she never does anything. Across the course of a one-hour edition of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, there’s a chance that Calista will either raise her eyebrows or say “really?” once. We’ve worn underwear more interesting than Calista. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Jay – We have to admit we were wrong about Jay. As he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house we were convinced that Jay was the most irritating person alive. And it’s simply not true – Liam is. But Jay’s a high-ranking runner-up. Jay was one of the first people to talk to Victor about the treatment of his sister – which, given the threat of Victor getting angry and spinning him round on some rollerskates in a fit of rage, was a brave thing to do. But the way Jay talks still bugs us – it’s like he was raised in a capsule Superman-style but, instead of listening to Marlon Brando imparting intergalactic advice, he was force-fed every episode of Sex And The City. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Well, in a nutshell, that they’re all turds. Self-centred arrogant turds the bloody lot of them. At least Big Brother Celebrity Hijack has managed to teach us something already – that if you’re young and prodigiously talented, there’s a pretty high likelihood that you’re going to be an utter bell-end of the very worst kind as well. And we’ve got a month of putting up with them yapping on about themselves like horrible miniature Donald Trumps as well. Joy. No really, we’re thrilled.

So who’s going to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack anyway? Here’s the first part of our Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – for Jay, Liam and Jade – with help from Paddy Power…

Jay – We get the feeling that Jay is only a part of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack because Ugly Betty turned him down for being too much like an offensive caricature of a gay man first. So far all Jay has actually managed to do in the Big Brother house is slur the word “Newoorkfazzyuneek” a billion times and look around distastefully at everything that surrounds him, like he’s above it all. Yes, it’s the same look as we all have when we watch Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, but then he’s the one who’s dressed up as a cartoon superhero and and we aren’t. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Liam – We’re glad that Liam’s rich, because that’s just about all the poor sap’s got going for him. Liam’s spent a lot of his time in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house blathering on about how he wants to establish himself as a brand, but he hasn’t seem to have figured out that most people would rather drive nails through their eyes than have anything to do with a brand that’s basically a dull-as-shit infant with a twat’s haircut and a mouth that appears to be used as some sort of industrial saliva reservoir. With too-close-together eyes. And a horrible mimbling voice. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Jade - When Jade last had an IQ test her result was 178. But she was just four years old back then. Now, we don’t really know how IQs work, but we get the impression that in the intervening 17 years Jade’s score may have dropped by something like 179 points. Jade seems so stupid that she hasn’t yet realised that you’re supposed to talk out of your mouth instead of your nose, and that the best way to integrate yourself into a group of strangers isn’t to burst into tears the instant you get slightly tired. And that being a four-year-old MENSA member doesn’t make you intelligent, it just means that you have appallingly pushy parents. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 20/1

Tomorrow - Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Victor, Amy and Calista. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.