There’s nothing quite like a movie monster.

No, we are not talking about Liz Hurley, Catherine Zeta Jones or Rosie O’Donnell, we are talking about hideous creatures that thrive on the weak and the unholy scent of death. Again, we are not talking about Liz Hurley, Catherine Zeta Jones or Rosie O’Donnell.

Anyway, a good movie monster can add real bite (literally) to even the most mundane films.

They can shock, terrify and even inspire highly-profitable marketing spin-offs. We just can’t get enough of them. But why? Is it because we are so sick of being at the top of the food chain? Are we really that bored? Or is just because we take great pleasure in watching a predator outwit its prey?

Truth is, how the hell should we know? Who do you think I am, David frigging Attenborough?

Anyway, in our latest excuse to write some random list, we have decided to expose the monsters with a little more bite. The creatures which really make the feature. And no we are not talking horror icons like Dracula, Freddie, Jason or Michael Myers, or just beastly humans like Hannibal. We are talking horrible, slavering beasts with a taste for human flesh.

And no, we are still not talking about Liz Hurley, Catherine Zeta Jones or Rosie O’Donnell.

Enjoy!

20. Sarlacc
Movie: Star Wars : The Return of the Jedi

A giant anus in the desert which eats you and you are digested for 1,000 years. Now that’s pretty scary.

19. Giant Claw

Sorriest-looking thing on two wings – but who cares?

18. Worms
Movie: Deep Rising

Pretty disgusting worms from a little gem of a horror movie.

17. Stripe
Movie: Gremlins

Best Mohican we’ve ever seen.

16. Pinhead
Movies: Hellraiser series

Don’t ever play with nail guns.

15. The Thing
Movie: The Thing

Don’t fancy yours much.

14. Gamera
Movies: Daikaijû Gamera and a few others

A giant, flying turtle that was launched in Japan as a rival to Godzilla during the 60s. Among some of his other names is ‘Friend To All Children’. We think he should keep quiet about that one.

13. The Marshmallow Man
Movie: Ghostbusters

He’s so sweet.

12. Crawlers
Movie: The Descent

Stopped us from going pot-holing again.

11. Werewolf
Movie: An American Werewolf In London

Americans?! You come over here, shag our women, take our jobs and turn into man-eating wolves.

10. Pale Man
Movie: Pan’s Labyrinth

Really quite horrible.

9. Skeletons
Movie: Jason and the Argonauts

Scared the hell out of us when we were kids.

8. Shelob
Movie: Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King

Imagine finding that in your bath.

7. Tyrannosaurus Rex
Movies: Jurassic Park series

True story – a friend of ours’ mum after watching Jurassic Park asked: ‘Dinosaurs: They are extinct, aren’t they?’ Guess the T-Rex really did push new boundaries.

6. Fly
Movie: The Fly

Pesky flies.

5. Gwoemul
Movie: The Host

Tadpoles have never been so scary.

4. Shark
Movie: Jaws

OK, the award should really go to the cello, but still…

3. King Kong
Movies: King Kong in its various guises

The Peter Jackson remake was good – but the 1933 original is better.

2. Godzilla
Movies: Too many to mention

A legend.

1. Xenomorph
Movies: Alien series

Scares the hell out of us.

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It takes more than a brooding and blunt tagline to make a menacing movie monster – ask the master of body horror David Cronenberg, who delivered the scares promised by that unforgettable phrase (actually coined by producer Mel Brooks) with his intensely gooey study of spiced human/fly metamorphic consequences in his brilliant The Fly remake. It was a world away from the tediously bad B-movie fly head and claw terror tactics of the original.

But what of the creature creations which failed to hit the mark? Those unashamedly bad rubber suits that ruled the fore in the 50s, those ridiculous unscary and unreliable mechanical monsters that kept breaking down in the 70s and the even less tangible CGI cartoon creations that have been unleashed in recent times.

Let us present to you seven of the worst and least scariest cinematic creations (additional wetter suggestions are, as always, most welcome)…

7 - King Kong (1976)

Not Peter Jackson’s nostalgia-infused remake, but the decidedly dodgy 70s disaster, with Jessica Lange screeching the immortal line “Get your hands off me, you goddamn chauvinist pig ape!” Keeping Kong off-screen for over an hour is simply not good enough!

As far as we are concerned, he should never have made an appearance, cause when he does arrive he’s a bloody abomination.

And to add insult to injury, the man in the hairy suit is acclaimed make-up maestro Rick Baker (later to do an arguably better Oscar-nominated job on Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes remake). The Japanese robotics originally intended for Kong can be glanced in a ‘blink or your miss it’ shot later on – failing that go on the ace Universal Studios tour of King Kong in Los Angles and see sadly what could have been the king of movie monsters.

6 – Jaws (1975)

We know this is one of the most truly terrifying films of all time, but lets admit it without the dun dun dun dun brilliance of John Williams‘ ground breaking and spine-chilling score old rubber Jaws would have been completely lost at sea.

Though we admit its presence scared the living shit out of us as a little nipper, its a little on the rubbery side now.

5 – Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)

“From the depths of the sea… a tidal wave of terror!” Corny Roger Corman releases ludicrous, brain-eating crabs that resemble paper mache turds with claws.

Nothing scary about that… but then again.

4 – Godzilla (1998)

The king of catastrophe, Roland Emmerich, should have listened to Jamiroquai’s hit song and gone deeper underground with this completely intangible CGI threat.

When he is unleashed to the audience, he appears to more closely resemble a gargantuan computer-generated shit than an actual threat to mankind.

3 – Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)

Believe it or not George Clooney cut his teeth on one of the sequels to this barmy series.

The bouncing ball vegetable (sorry they’re fruit, aren’t they) cretins are about as threatening as a school dinner and should have been squashed to ketchup upon conception.

2 - Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

This original 50s monster terror is a cherished gem in the movie canon, but nothing disguises the fact that the man in the rubber suit routine has dated the terror tactics somewhat.

1 – The Thing From Another World (1951)

A claustrophobic masterpiece, Howard Hawks’ original 50s The Thing wisely keeps its creature in the dark for the majority of the running time, building up the tension and suspense nicely.

Then he is revealed and unleashed to wreck terror in an isolated arctic laboratory, and the towering cauliflower-head looks more like a fanatical overgrown child who’s lost his toys than the bloodthirsty alien organism he’s hyped up to be.

At least John Carpenter was at hand to innovatively revive the interchangeable threat for the entire duration of his spooky metamorphic 80s rehash.

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]

Where is the satisfaction in being forced to jump out of our skins as someone or something leaps out at the least obvious moment? Why do we do it to ourselves? Is it a battle of wills between us and the director to see whether he can make you actually make you physically shit yourselves?

Or it that same impulse that when someone tells you to smell something bad, you can't help but do it? It's OK, we've all done it. Whatever the reason, some directors have certainly succeeded where others have failed by making you actually lift off out of your seat.

They can almost be measured by the sound of everyone landing. And here are the best, with video…

9. The Bourne Identity

We're not sure what's more shocking, the moment the guy comes through the window or the fact he commits suicide by deliberately jumping back through it.

8. Jaws


We are going to need a bigger boat. It's possibly the defining moment of the film, as Brody suddenly gets his first good look at the shark while chumming.

7. Deep Blue Sea


If anyone ever tells you they knew that a flying shark was about to come and bite Samuel L Jackson in half they are simply lying.

No, we don't want to hear it. Liars, the lot of you.

6. The Thing


OK, it may not make you jump out of your skin, but it certainly shocked us. Just didn't see it coming.

5. Alien


All right, it's hardly shocking now because we all know what happens, but remember the first time you saw it.

If you're not convinced, just look at the actors' reactions. They had no idea what was going to happen. Brilliant!!

4. Friday 13th – Part 1

Just when you thought it was safe to put the cushion that you'd welded to your face throughout the movie down, there is another bloody shock as Jason suddenly re-appears from under the water to knock off the remaining survivor. A million sequels are spawned.

3. Jaws – The head

It doesn't matter how many times we see this, we still jump at that stupid head coming out.

2. Carrie


Surely one of the biggest jumps ever, as Carrie's blood-soaked hand comes out of her grave and grabs the hand of a terrified Amy Irving.

1. Seven

If you did not jump at the moment when we realise the Sloth guy is not actually dead you must be dead yourself. We think our bowels loosened for a brief moment. There should be a law against it.