Do you remember the days when standing ovations meant something? When the simple act of standing up and doing some clapping meant you'd seen something really truly fantastic? Yes? Well, last night?s Strictly Come Dancing was out to crush those memories. Crush them to pieces.

Because last night wasn?t just any Strictly. No, it was the semi-final, which meant that the five remaining ?celebrities? had to dance twice and the audience had to give every single last one of the performances a standing ovation just to really destroy any meaning the tradition may have once had. They even gave Alex Jones two ovations. Alex Jones.

Yes, that's right, she was still there.

Wasn?t last week?s Strictly jolly exciting, what with all the thousands of people and the being at Wembley? Who cares that they finally got rid of World?s Happiest Man Russell Grant; it was WEMBLEY and that is supposed to be AMAZING.

Everyone, everywhere was talking about it. If by ?everyone?, you mean the Strictly contestants. And by ?everywhere? you mean backstage at Strictly.

Still, plastic-faced Brendan was clearly very unhappy about missing out on Wembley after Artem?s miraculous recovery. So unhappy that he launched a despicable plan to get himself back on the show this week. But rather than attacking Artem, he decided to go for Artem?s evil twin Robin. They said on the VT that Robin was in hospital with a ?severe foot infection?, but we all know that Brendan injected him with nasty foot plague.

Next week?s Strictly is going to be really exciting. Not this week, next week. Next week they're all going to Wembley Arena, where they?ll have the chance to fall over in front of a live audience of 6,000 people. Next week. Not this week.

This week was just the boring week where Len was back and they talked about Wembley a lot. All the celebs wanted to get to Wembley. None of them were actually there yet. Tess Daly informed us of this fact a lot. Everyone pretended to care.

With no Jennifer Grey and no massive live audience this week, the producers had to come up with some other drama to keep the audience entertained. And so they conspired with Kara Tointon to break poor Artem?s back. Because that's what last week?s mystery injury turned out to be. A fractured spine.

Ah, the Strictly Come Dancing Halloween special. The BBC?s annual chance to horrify the entire nation with overly made-up celebrities, horribly acted VTs and Craig Whatsit-Thingy taking part in the most obvious joke of all time and flying into the studio on a broomstick.

October just wouldn't be the same without it.

But this year it wasn?t all about the hastily thrown together scariness. No, the horror came from something far more terrifying; Robbie Savage?s genitals. He?d clearly taken the praise of his hip-thrusts to heart, and spent his entire routine grabbing at his own crotch and thrusting Lil’ Savage towards the cameras. He ended his routine by leaping on the desk and shoving his cock in Craig?s face. Nobody quite knew what to say.

Ah, reality TV. Don't you just love it? With its endless orchestrated arguments and the potential to watch celebrities make total and utter knobs of themselves, it's one of the wonders of the modern age. And this week, Strictly lived up to all its monstrous reality to potential.

Yes, after last week?s Broadway show, this week Strictly returned to having no theme whatsoever. Which clearly was not to the satisfaction of professional dancer James Jordan, who used his complete lack of imagination to launch his very own theme of ?fight night”, and spent most of the evening yelling at the judges about how they were talentless little gits who are not appreciative of his skill and talent at choreography.

He was on a crusade to appear as stupid as possible, possibly to detract attention from the fact that he'd tried to make Alex Jones look sexy by making her dance to ?Run? by Snow Patrol. That most sexual of all the songs.

After last week?s prancing about for no real reason, this week Strictly is gaining some tiny, pathetic little morsel of a purporse in this meaningless world. Yes, this week on Strictly, they remembered that it's a competition and got round to actually throwing someone off.

Before they got dancing though, Bruce had to do an impression of a drunken camp dinosaur. We've no idea why, but what we do know is that that was the last point in the show where we bothered paying attention to him.

We were so distracted by Chelsee Healey that, for quite some time, we had no idea what was going on.