Lady Gaga has been praised for raising awareness for relief efforts in sorting Japan out after the dreadful tsunami that struck the country down. However, like the world’s most weirdly dressed graverobber, she’s been accused of pocketing a load of money that should’ve gone to blighted country.

Less Bad Romance and more bad finance. Sorry. That’s easily the worst joke we’ve ever written.

Anyway, there’s some federal class action lawsuiting going on which is pointing at Gaga and saying that she’s jacked up the shipping costs on the “We Pray for Japan” wristbands she was flogging and keeping a portion of the profits herself, despite saying that all proceeds would go to directly to relief efforts. In fairness, she has a very expensive wardrobe to pay for. Surely Japan doesn’t mind?

So which creditable law firm taking action against GaGa in an attempt to either a) Do the right thing or b) Shamelessly try and get attention by attaching a famous person’s name to their awful little business?

While most reputable lawfirms are called Smithers-Jones Associates or Campbell, Urine & Sons or whatever, this lot are, quite astonishingly, called 1-800-LAW-FIRM, which doesn’t half make them sound like ambulance chasers.

They say, from their office-cum-stationary cupboard:

“While we commend Lady Gaga for her philanthropic efforts, we want to ensure that claims that ‘all proceeds will be donated to Japan’s earthquake relief efforts’ are in fact true”

They also claim that tax was collected on the wristbands, which sold for $5 a piece. While it is true that tax shouldn’t be collected on a purely charitable donations, it is worth pointing out that pretty much every single act of charity from a celebrity is some kind of tax dodge.

That said, the chances of GaGa herself knowing too much about this is slim to piss-all. Musicians and politics don’t mix. They get an idea and then throw it to some bore to sort it all out for them. Basically, while 1-800-LAW-FIRM are pointing at GaGa, they may as well demand a refund from a toad in a hedge.

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga has been in Japan, and loving it.

“I can’t say enough to people all over the world that the majority of Japan right now, Japan in general, is very safe. It’s fine to come here. It’s beautiful.”

She then tried preparing sushi and died of food poisoning.

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Russell Brand – essentially James Blunt in a long, thick, acrylic wig – has been kicked out of Japan, meaning that his stay in the East was roughly 3 seconds long. In that time, it is assumed that he told roughly 2 jokes and mugged to an imaginary camera 54,900 times.

That’s right. Japanese authorities didn’t care much for the fact that Katy Perry wanted to show her husband the sights, because they were too busy bundling him out of the country and shouting ‘don’t darken our wildly futuristic doorstep again, y’big clot!’

It is widely accepted that Brand got the heave-ho because of his past, which was mostly heroin based. Japanese authorities don’t like people who have taken drugs over a decade ago for some reason.

Katy Perry broke the news to everyone via the Celebrity Confession Booth (or, Twitter, if you prefer). She said:

“So . . . my husband just got deported from Japan. I am so sad. I brought him all this way to show him my favorite place.”

She added:

“It was for priors from over 10 years ago!”

Alas, Brand doesn’t have a criminal record in Japan, but officials over there really aren’t bothered. They don’t take kindly to those with a criminal past and because Tokyo is actually from the future, they don’t have to worry about whether they get celebrity approval because they’ve replaced all human entertainers with robots who are so funny that they make you physically laugh your face off.

Russell of course, couldn’t leave the country without a wisecrack and tweeted

“Planning escape from Japanese custody. It’s bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick.”

Sigh.

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Justin Bieber is fast becoming the most unreasonable little shit on the planet. He’s been seen sticking his underdeveloped little digits up at adults brandishing cameras as well as snubbing his own fans and causing chaos at holy sites.

And now, the pipsqueak popster is refusing to go to Japan, just in case he gets radiation poisoning (which might be a good thing because we don’t want this tiny git hammock to go all ‘Dr David Banner’ on us).

That’s right Japanese Beliebers. Justin and his road crew are just not interested in giving you small joy because of that recent nuclear disaster. He’s all heart isn’t he?

Apparently, Bieber & Co are all arguing that it is unsafe to visit the country on May 17th and 19th. Who are they citing as reliable sources for this decision? Scientists in lab jackets? Government experts in nuclear fallout?

Nope.

Team Bieber aren’t going to Japan because Slash and Avril Lavigne have decided not to go over there, despite the fact that Lavigne publicly stated that she didn’t want to go out there because she feared Godzilla and Mothra may ‘fuck shit up’.

The foetal singer’s manager, Scooter Braun, told the crew that perhaps the might not want to disappoint people who had bought tickets and that, someone may just want to listen to the Japanese government who have explicitly noted that Japan is completely safe to visit, if you’re going to Tokyo and Osaka.

Alas no.

We think it is time Japan started to ignore this little squirt and focus solely on your tremendous J-Pop bands who knock this infant idiot into a tall handbasket.

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Ke$ha, the insanely irritating popstar with a voice like a thousand nails on a blackboard, has seemingly grown something resembling a heart as she looks out toward to good people of Japan and thinks “you’ve really suffered enough”.

As such, she’s decided to cancel her upcoming tour of Japan after the country was hit with a catastrophic earthquake and tsunami.

While the country grieves and suffers continued quakes, they certainly don’t need to hear someone singing about ‘Glitter Puke’ or performing the immensely grating ‘Blah Blah Blah’.

Ke$ha released a statement explaining the postponement through her Japanese promoter, Creativeman Productions, saying:

“My heart is with Japan right now through this disaster and these hardships. I genuinely don’t think right now would be appropriate timing for me to perform in Japan given the content and the spirit of my show, which is all about feeling exuberant, rowdy, and wild.

“I plan to bring my party there and to that part of the world when we are all ready to dance and Get $leazy together again.”

“In the meantime I am going to do everything I can to help relief efforts and I encourage everyone in the world to do the same.”

She probably muttered ‘besides, I don’t want to die over there – no offence.’

Even better for Japanese people is that Good Charlotte and Hoobastank have also cancelled shows over there. It almost makes us wish for a British natural disaster.

Almost.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Japan is a country known mostly for deciding tax rates based purely on the Dance Dance Revolution scores of randomly selected lower class citizens, and for constantly rebuilding after Godzilla attacks.

This is really too bad if you think about it – because Godzilla is a fictional monster that’s come to stereotype Japan’s culture. If their culture absolutely has to be stereotyped by scaly monsters  that emerged from the water,  at least let it be the Kappa. After all – the Kappa are real, according to multiple alleged encounters.

The Kappa are creatures looming in Japanese mythology – but they seem to have stretched their webbed hands into the real world too. There’ve been encounters, you see. Encounters that include visual sightings and scientific analysis of some weird slime they’ve left behind.

Wikipedia gives a brief description of the weird creatures:

“Most depictions show kappa as child-sized humanoids, though their bodies are often more like those of monkeys or frogs than human beings. Some descriptions say their faces are apelike, while others show them with beaked visages more like those of tortoises or with duck beaks. Pictures usually show kappa with thick shells and scaly skin that ranges in color from green to yellow or blue.

“Another notable feature of the kappa is the saucer-shaped depression on their scalps, which must at all times be filled with water if the kappa is to retain its strength and powers. Should the depression be emptied of water, the kappa will instantly be weakened and may even die if the water is not restored.”

Well that’s good to know, right? If you’re ever getting mugged by a Kappa, punch it in the head bladder – then you can take it’s wallet.

Lesson learned, Kappa.

And now for a few reported encounters. This first one is off of the Pink Tentacle:

“At around 11 PM on August 1, 1984 in the town of Tsushima in Nagasaki prefecture, a squid fisherman named Ryu Shirozaki  was walking home from the local pier after work. As he passed near the Kuta river, he came upon a small group of children playing at the water’s edge. While it was not entirely uncommon to encounter people fishing in the river at night, it was rather surprising to see youngsters there.

“As Shirozaki approached the children, he was struck by how bizarre they appeared in the moonlight. He could make out swarthy faces, unusually spindly arms and legs, and glistening skin. Suspicious, Shirozaki called out to them as he neared, but they seemed startled and quickly disappeared into the water.

“The next morning when he returned to the same spot, Shirozaki discovered a set of moist, teardrop-shaped footprints on the nearby pavement. The prints, which appeared to consist of a slimy substance that had begun to coagulate under the hot morning sun, stretched for about 20 meters…

“When police forensic investigators arrived on the scene, they determined that the slimy footprints consisted of an unknown secretion. They took a sample to the lab for analysis, but the results unfortunately turned out to be inconclusive because the sample was too small.”

Well that’s pretty weird, but not unheard of. Here is the other typical case recounted when speaking of the kappa. It’s got no actual encounter, but it does feature their slime. It’s from Phantoms & Monsters:

“Another recent kappa encounter occurred on June 30, 1991 in the town of Saito in Miyazaki prefecture, when an office worker named Mitsugu Matsumoto and his wife Junko returned home for the evening. Upon opening the front door, the Matsumotos were confronted with a strange smell inside their home. Inside, they found dozens of small, wet footprints around the front door and in the hallway, bathroom, and two tatami rooms. At first they suspected a burglar, but they soon realized nothing had been stolen.

“The police briefly surveyed the house, but found nothing except a floor soiled by 30 footprints, each measuring about 7 centimeters long and 6 centimeters wide, and having 4 or 5 toes. To Matsumoto, the footprints did not look human, nor did they appear to belong to any animal he could imagine.

“Later that night, as Mrs. Matsumoto was putting laundry away, she discovered an unusual orange stain on some clothing. The next morning, as Matsumoto inspected the house more closely, he discovered a deposit of orange liquid on the portable stereo in the tatami room. He took a sample to the local public health center for analysis, and the results indicated the liquid had an extremely high iron content and a chemical composition resembling spring water.

“Troubled by the incident, Matsumoto decided to visit a shaman. After listening to Matsumoto’s story, the shaman encouraged him not to worry, explaining that the kappa indigenous to the nearby swamp enjoyed playing the occasional prank on local residents. The kappa were harmless, the shaman told him.”

Well we don’t know about harmless – after all they slimed his stereo. Of course it’s Japan, and we’re pretty sure that stereos grow on trees – making them very cheap according to the laws of supply and demand.

Surely the Kappa wouldn’t have ruined it had it been more rare and valuable – like a suit any bigger than a child’s large. We’ve heard that those things are pretty hard to come by in the Land of the Rising Sun.

Foreign people: how dare they create their own language, identify and culture.

Don’t they realise they’ve massively inconvenienced a group of pissed-up English tourists who want to order a local Spanish delicacies such as the ‘Spanish bacon sandwich’, ‘Spanish pint of Carling’ and ‘Spanish omelette with Spanish ketchup’? As a result, we’re all forced TO SHOUT REALLY LOUDLY AT STUFF and point towards it like some sort of moronic ape who’s just set back human evolution.

All the way over in Asia, our Japanese friends have set all kinds of translation barriers due to them shunning our letters for kooky symbols. Madness we tell you, but now and then, both cultures can come together and wince at each other’s creations. Such as this one from an unknown show where people go around their business and fall in to pools of water. This wouldn’t be too bad you’d think, apart from the temperature being scolding hot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlnQn4kVb-4

American and UK prank shows don’t really go that far in terms of inflicting physical pain and torture onto their victims. At best, some crazy person tampers with a friend’s fridge so that, when it opens, some cola will splatter them in the face like some non-sexual scene in a porn film. Oh ha ha ha, as we all break into fits of laughter as their white T-shirt gets stained and they erupt in to an almighty sweary rage.

So bless our Japanese friends, who at least put some effort into badly scaring their victims for life. A great deal of care and attention has gone into creating fake floors for the unsuspecting victim to fall through or roll into. Simply seeing someone fall through the floor and breaking an electrical appliance would amuse us – but with Japan, everything is pushed that little but further.

The victims of the prank look like they’re genuinely experiencing some sort of pain as they flop around in the water, desperately looking for a way of hoisting themselves out. What doesn’t make it better is the gang of people racing in to hilariously laugh and point at what just happened. Because we all now mild burns and charred skin tickles everyone in that special place.

Oh Japan, how we love you and your strange TV output. The beauty with this particular prank is that if it had gone tits up and the victim had boiled to death, it could have easily been dubbed “the cannibals guide to cooking; recipe 1. Human boiling perfection.”

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Japan is an elegant, mysterious country with a long and complex history – look at what it’s famous for.

Its rapidly ageing population. Its unitary constitutional monarchy. Its high standards of living. Its 13 Nobel laureates. The Samurai. The Sumo. The Ukiyo-e. The Bunraku. More than this, though, Japan is famous for being the country where all those stupid YouTube videos come from. Ha ha ha, stupid Japanese YouTube videos. Ha ha ha.

What? You want ten of them, all lined up one after the other? Oh, OK then…

10 – Little Red Riding Hood ad

Oh no, the animals are going to eat her! Oh, it’s OK, they’re just going to do a little dance instead. OH HANG ON THAT RACOON HAD GOT GIANT TESTICLES. Oh.

9 – Binocular football

If only dressing people up as prisoners and making them play sports under conditions that make it seem as if they’re on industrial strength hallucinogens qualified as entertainment in this country.

8 – Whatever this is

Yeah, we don’t even know what anime this is from. Now doubt one of you will tell us, you band of friendless geeks.

7 – Bouncing train person

This man probably suffers from some sort of mental illness! Japanese ROTFLZ!

6 – Racist-seeming Louis Armstrong impersonation

They get this and we get Susan Boyle. That doesn’t seem particularly fair for anyone concerned.

5 – Berserk Harry Potter fan

Because when you like someone, you should rub their chin and make a noise like you’re about to do a poo.

4 – This impenetrable commercial

Maybe this is about something really profound, and it’s dealt with in a particularly sensitive way. More fool us if it is, eh?

3 – Nightmarish piggy banks

It’s definitely not a pig and – by note of the fact that it looks as if it’ll watch you in your sleep, trying to steal enough of your breath to become a real boy – we’re not completely sure it’s a bank, either.

2 – Kure Kure Takora

It means Gimme Gimme Octopus, and it’s our favourite thing in the world. So shut up.

1 – Terrifying robot toddler

It’s got eyes! It’s looking RIGHT AT YOU! It’s waiting to kill you. Etc.

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Usually when we see an advert for something, there is a vague reference woven in to the backdrop in order for us to take note. With alcohol, any sort of beer, cider or sprit will be promoted in a pub as that’s where we’re meant to drink them. Unless of course a) you’re an unsociable alcoholic living in a bedsit or b) underage and boozing on the street.

Taking the bold step and causing your target market to actually use their brains could be a bit of a problem. Especially if you’ve got a product too sell during the adverts in the Jeremy Kyle show.

British advertisers generally shy away from any sort of mind numbingly weird promotion. However, this isn’t the case in Japan. Often, things make no sense and soon a trickle of blood can be found leaving the ears, eyes and nostrils through over thinking. The same might happen to you if Calbee Crisps are over-analysed.

Yes, this thirty second clip which isn’t a low budget horror film is meant to promote a crisp brand to you. Perhaps it’s the fact we don’t speak Japanese and don’t understand the foreign utterances, but even still it isn’t overly clear what is going on.
First of all, a child is walking back from where we can only assume is school. But aww bless, he seems to have a broken heart. Perhaps he didn’t get a kiss from a girl or the bully in the classroom wouldn’t let dress up as the fireman. Life is hard as a child. But the dog seems willing to help out and make everything better.

Queue an odd montage of tricks from the dog which makes all animal appearances on Britain’s Got Talent seem a bit rubbish and another excuse for Simon Cowell to print money. The posh folk at Crufts would also be interested in an alternative act where an animal seems to take on human form. However there is something slightly creepy.

1) The dog can morph faces in to a creepy looking doll which seems content on swallowing the content of your soul, mind and bank account.

2) An astonishing pace on two legs can be used by the creature which means it could literally mug you at knife point for dog biscuits or a bowl of water.

3) It takes the piss and walks on its hands equally as fast. Kind of like terminator, the dog basically won’t go down without a fight. You can destroy the front legs of the beast, but it will still continue with its erm…other paws?

4) The airplane staff that wave table tennis rackets at planes when they come in to land will be out of a job as the dog has an ability to do this to. Maybe BA could invest in a few.

Whatever the case, having a dog that could easily pretend to be you seems to be a hit with the ladies. Queue a creepy stumbling girl who seems to have fallen in love with our original hero. Or is it the dog? It isn’t clear; it’s in Japanese for Akira’s sake. For all we know it could be about bestiality.

The end message? “If you dog is rejected from humans, give it some comfort food in the form of some Calbee Crisps.” Again, there is no indication that they are safe for human consumption and are purely for animal kind to nipple on when they’re not humping people’s legs.

Can someone pass the pedigree chum?

[via]

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Despite our best attempts to distance ourselves from the real world in the hope that one day Jessica Rabbit will leap out of our TV and have rampant sex with us, we have to be realistic.

This is because no-one has developed a TV that can do such a thing, and also because there is some sort of financial crisis going on.

Yup, everything costs more and everyone is feeling the pain. Even the simple pleasures of life are being taken away. No more so then in Japan where Janet Jackson, the tit-bearing member of the Jackson circus, has had to cancel a few shows.

Because a bowl of rice now costs the same as a brand new Mercedes and has to feed a family of four for three weeks, everyone in Japan is feeling the financial strain. It must be crushingly disappointing for little Akira and Daiki, who dreamed of saving up their hard earned Yen to see one of the less popular Jacksons perform.

It doesn’t seem likely that Michael Jackson will perform any time soon, due to him being confined to a wheelchair. Not even Jermaine and Tito can persuade the baby-waving maniac to rejoin The Jackson 5.

Janet Jackson would have then been the next Jackson to tour the country and make a bit of cash. But with sister LaToya just leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house, there are magazine deals and endorsements to be had. Annoyingly, this pushes Janet even further down the Jackson pecking order.

With the western world not giving a toss, what could go wrong with Japan? It is a nation known for being slightly mental and lapping up most music that America produces. An easy ploy to make some money and shift a few records, right? Wrong!

Unless you were bought a ticket for Christmas and had to pretend you liked it, this news may excite some of our Japanese readers. BBC News reports:

“Japanese concert promoter Kyodo Yokohama said the singer cancelled five concerts due to take place in February, blaming the global financial crisis”.

However, does Janet know something that world leaders, banks and ourselves don’t? Despite these gigs being cancelled it appears that they aren’t gone for good. BBC News again tells us:

“The gigs in Japan will be rescheduled later this year, with new dates expected to be announced in March.”

March! That’s only two months away. Does that mean that our financial crisis is over and we can go back to our old ways of teasing the homeless with £10 notes?

If this news is true, then maybe Janet Jackson is the saviour of the world and we should all bow to her at regular intervals whilst kissing a porcelain cast of that tit that she exposed during the Super Bowl.

Or maybe she’s just worked out that more people will be able to buy tickets if she postpones the shows for a couple of months. Either way, we want to kiss a tit.

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