Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.
And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.
How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.
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When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can’t you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they’re some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?
You have to question the actions of a couple who haven’t been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry’s parents are devout Christians. So you’d at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.
As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we’re inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna’s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.
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Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?
Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.
Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.
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When celebrities get married, everyone turns into meddling grandmas, demanding offspring because our lives are so hopelessly empty that we need that brief moment of alleviating joy, lived vicariously through someone else.
Christ knows no-one wants to actually have sex with us, let alone have our children, right?
And the latest couple getting their groins shoved toward each other are Katy Perry and Russell Brand. They basically look like they’re having far too much fun as a couple and, as such, we must make them mature into parents… indeed, we must halt their leisure time immediately with shitty nappies, sleepless nights and silent seething.
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In Japan, it’s pretty frowned upon to commit suicide. So what can they do when faced with the unswerving self loathing that is brought about by meeting Linkin Park?
You can wish that the (awful, awful, awful) tsunami and earthquake combo had actually killed everyone in the country!
And what were Linkin Park doing in the land of the rising sun? They were bothering school children because they’re heartless monsters!
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Russell Brand has opened his mouth and let a load of words come out that have made disabled people either cry, or want to viciously beat him up with their angry, angry fists.
Has he ill-advisedly said that Katy Perry looks ‘a bit special sometimes’?
NO! Don’t be an idiot. He’s called Paralympic athletes “novelty value”, which is nice of him isn’t it? This, naturally, has made a thousand unprintable jokes run through the head of team ‘spray which is most infuriating. Read More >>>
Lady Gaga has been praised for raising awareness for relief efforts in sorting Japan out after the dreadful tsunami that struck the country down. However, like the world’s most weirdly dressed graverobber, she’s been accused of pocketing a load of money that should’ve gone to blighted country.
Less Bad Romance and more bad finance. Sorry. That’s easily the worst joke we’ve ever written.
Anyway, there’s some federal class action lawsuiting going on which is pointing at Gaga and saying that she’s jacked up the shipping costs on the “We Pray for Japan” wristbands she was flogging and keeping a portion of the profits herself, despite saying that all proceeds would go to directly to relief efforts. In fairness, she has a very expensive wardrobe to pay for. Surely Japan doesn’t mind?
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Russell Brand – essentially James Blunt in a long, thick, acrylic wig – has been kicked out of Japan, meaning that his stay in the East was roughly 3 seconds long. In that time, it is assumed that he told roughly 2 jokes and mugged to an imaginary camera 54,900 times.
That’s right. Japanese authorities didn’t care much for the fact that Katy Perry wanted to show her husband the sights, because they were too busy bundling him out of the country and shouting ‘don’t darken our wildly futuristic doorstep again, y’big clot!’
It is widely accepted that Brand got the heave-ho because of his past, which was mostly heroin based. Japanese authorities don’t like people who have taken drugs over a decade ago for some reason.
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