During the First World War, soldiers would often endure days of warfare in the most atrocious conditions imaginable, and emerge from it all having gained or lost just a few yards for their team.

Which is a hideously overblown and offensively inappropriate metaphor for this year’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, the show that last night ended its interminable run on NBC. Who has covered themselves in glory? Who has covered themselves in shame? Who has apparently covered themselves from head-to-toe in the offcuts from a leather warehouse? (Hint: it’s not Holly, it’s not Torrie, and it’s Janice). Find out after the jump.

We can’t tell you how long we’ve waited for this (our instinct says it’s been about 1,800 years, but logic dictates that maybe it was a bit less than that). Either way: Yay!  Because this is the last week of IACGMOOH. No more of John Salley‘s quite frightening competitiveness. No more of Speidi‘s televised egowank. No more of Torrie Wilson‘s glorious boobies in a wet camo swimsuit. No more… wait, what? This is the end of our weekly viewings of Torrie’s silicon mines? We have to survive on the 38,812 Google images of “Torrie Wilson swimsuit” until she gets herself naked in Playboy in, ooh, three minutes or so? Curses!

Okay then, before we give you the news you already know, let’s take a quick look at this year’s most memorable contestants:

Speidi (Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt): insufferable tosstards. They came, they annoyed, they left. They came back, they annoyed again, they got scared, they left again. They got verbally assaulted by Al Roker, they came back again again,they smugged through last night’s interview, they hopefully were buried somewhere in the Costa Rican jungle.

Janice Dickinson: leather-faced, sandpaper-voiced harridan. Oh Janice, you sure know how to make friends in difficult situations. You alone know that when a bunch of people are thrown into a tropical jungle with limited food supplies, the best way to make yourself popular is to steal their food, refuse to do any work and just sit around squawking like a tasered chicken.

Sanjaya Malakar: peacock-haired singing ninny. When we first saw that the boy who spent an improbably long time on American Idol had got this gig, we assumed he would be chased from the jungle within a week by a pack of monkeys desperate for the secret to his preposterous hairstyling. How wrong we were (the monkeys, in fact, became fascinated with trying to climb Janice, who they’d mistaken for an ancient oak). Sanjaya turned out to be quite the stoic little jungle dweller. In retrospect, it wasn’t a surprise: the lad looks just like Mowgli after all.

Lou Diamond Phillips: hammer-faced pain lover and worthy I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here winner. Lou started the show as a has-been actor, trying to start a career revival. He ended it as a has-been actor with thirteen thousand mosquito bites, trying to start a career revival. Never afraid to man up to a challenge, and always ready to tell Janice that she is a totally unlikable leatherfaced skank, Lou won the hearts of the voting public.

And is currently holding them in a safe place, their return dependent on someone agreeing to make La Bamba II: Rock n Roll But With Guns ‘n’ Bombs ‘n’ Shit.

So there you are. Another year passes, another person you vaguely remember from that film twenty years ago is about to be on the cover of all the world’s magazines for a week before shuffling, embarrassed, back to the High School Reunion Special Guest circuit.

Have strength, dear viewers: it shall return. And hopefully with someone better able to approximate a real human being than Myleene Klass. Hmm, what’s C3PO up to these days?

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Yes, we had to check that, too. But it’s true: it is only Week Two and not, as we had thought, Year Eighty-Nine.

But a week can be a long time in the jungle. Especially a jungle where pubey-bearded manchild Spencer Pratt spends 19 hours out of every day arguing with mahogany-faced leatherwoman Janice Dickinson.

The big story during the past week has been Speidi’s will-they/won’t-they shenanigans. Sadly, the issue in question is not “Will they or won’t they go crazy and kill each other using a machete, a coconut and a pint of the world’s most painfully toxic snake venom?”, but the rather more mundane “Will they be allowed to re-enter the camp and inflict their self-love on us for the rest of the show, or will they be sent back to Beverley Hills with their suitcases, label-free shampoos and a terrible case of the world’s most painfully toxic jungle fever?“.

Shame.

Ah well, this was always going to be a marathon, never a sprint. Which is unfortunate for Stephen Baldwin, who looks like doing anything more taxing than dialling for takeout Chinese would cause his heart to detach itself from his arteries, leap out of his mouth and run down the road, screaming “He never told me it would be like this“.

And so to tonight’s news in tiny little bites, each the size of Spencer’s self-awareness:

Janice and Sanjaya in the Trauma Tank: Both were voted in by the public. But what twisted show producer thought of putting Janice into a tank filled with water, frogs and reptiles? These are her brethren, you inhuman monsters.

Daniel Baldwin Gets Whiny: Baldwin number two,who looks like a pub-team footballer impersonating Robert De Niro, has spent his short time in camp complaining. Moaning about…oh, pretty much everything.  Janice, Heidi, Sanjaya, the way Monster Munch don’t taste the way they used to. Lighten up, Daniel: you’re being paid to lie on a hammock for a couple of weeks with nothing to worry about but whether you’ll be able to sneak a glimpse of Torri Wilson‘s titties as she gets dressed.

Janice Dickinson Is A Bit Of A Selfish Bitch: Janice, a woman who is half human and half pork scratching, is the subject of some resentment amongst the other junglemates. Seems they don’t take kindly to one of their number being, effectively, nothing more than a talking strip of rawhide who just sits around all day squawking like a flock of crows being fed into a woodchopper.

Heidi Montag Gets Ambulanced To Hospital: Many tears were shed in camp as Heidi, suffering from the effects of a celery and prayer diet in the hundred degree jungle, was taken away for urgent medical attention. True, they were tears of laughter and relief, but don’t let that fool you: the celebs will miss her and her turdhole husband, for who now will walk around shrieking “Jesus Christ is here!” like an autistic priest? Hilariously, Heidi was taken to the local hospital, which apparently modelled itself on a South American TV documentary series called Mexican Leprosy Clinics: The Inside Story. Get well soon, Heidi, because your teammates…no, ‘miss’ isn’t the word. Ah yes: despise. Your teammates genuinely despise you, you hideous tosspiece.

We shall return later in the week, with more IACGMOOH than you can shake a palm leaf at.

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Day Two of the Costa Rican shenanigans, and we present to you the lady contestants.

Oh, and Janice Dickinson, who has been flung into this group in the absence of a ‘Leather Handbag’ team.

Second day, and already two people have left the show. Unsurprisingly, and happily, it was the two most irritating and juvenile little twatcans ever to darken the jungle’s doorstep. Do jungles have doorsteps? The answer, and more, after the jump.

No. No, they don’t.

Patti Blagojevich: wife of criminally-implicated Chicago Governor and unfortunate recipient of Heidi Montag‘s laughably kindergarten-ish impromptu prayer session yesterday (‘Dear Heaven, please stop all the bad people from being naughty to Patti who is pretty and nice and made of angelmilk. I know because I met her two hours ago and now she is totally my BFF.‘ We’ve paraphrased her somewhat). Quiet, stoic, and likely to be around for a while.

Janice Dickinson: once a supermodel, now looks worryingly like a statue of a transvestite sculpted from a giant raisin. Always guaranteed to be controversial, Janice is known for her strong opinions loud, strident voice that makes us want to bite our fingers off and swallow them in the hope we might choke to death and never have to hear the harpy again PLEASE MAKE IT STOP NOW. Little-Known Fact: the camp’s tent-like shelters were constructed from Janice’s skin. The last time she moulted, producers gathered up the old layer and used it to craft these simple yet sturdy structures.

Torrie Wilson: we’ve never heard of her and neither have you. Unless you’re a gun-loving redneck inbred who whoops and hollers at wrestling on the TV. Should be quite successful on the show, what with her complete lack of any personality to hate, and complete ownership of two large ladymams to love.

Frangela: Again, not a clue, though the fact factory that is Wikipedia seems to indicate that Frangela (being actually two people, called Frances and Angela) just fart around on a radio station on Saturday evenings. Sort of an American Tim Westwood, perhaps.

Heidi Montag: genuinely, utterly, literally pointless waste of some perfectly good carbon and several trace minerals. After a few weak-wristed attempts at leaving yesterday, Heidi and her equally unlikeable bumrod of a husband, Spencer Pratt, finally decided to quit the show for good. But not before Spencer had been baptised in the local river by Stephen Baldwin.  Which was as fundamentally disturbing to hecklerspray’s psyche as it sounds. Little-Known Fact: when Heidi and Spencer have sex, they each call out their own names at the climactic moment.

Join us later in the week, when we return to see how our tropical pals get on without Speidi.

Pretty bloody well, we’d imagine.

Janice Dickinson has just spent three weeks in the jungle living off nothing but kangaroo anuses and the nervous energy that comes from listening to Christopher Biggins shriek like a schoolgirl every two seconds.

And all this has made Janice Dickinson thin. Not only that, but it's turned Janice Dickinson into a sort of fat-fairy who can twinkle into any room, wiggle her wand and declare that people are either fat or thin depending on nothing more than how she feels at any given moment in time. And, as such, Janice Dickinson has just told the world that Tyra Banks is fat on the Today show. Although Tyra Banks has yet to respond to Janice's fat claim, it's thought that she'll issue a statement by teatime declaring that Janice Dickinson lives in a cardboard box, has fleas and buys all her clothes from Asda.

That's unless she eats it first, the lardy moo.

God, we'd love to be models. Sadly our pallid skin, greenish teeth and aversion to vomiting up every meal we ever eat means we'll probably never get to live that dream, but what a dream it is. If you're a model you get to travel the world looking gaunt and never thinking about anything more challenging than lovely frocks for fear that your brain will burst into flames and – if you're really lucky – you get to knob Pete Doherty. That's the lifestyle we want, damnit!

Oh, also models get to sneer at everyone else in the world because several ancestral genetic flukes have left them with a lucratively withered face and jutted-out ribcage while the rest of us are all slightly paunchy in places. And some of them – like Janice Dickinson – can even sneer at other models for being fat when they clearly aren't anything of the sort.

Janice Dickinson has threatened to kick-start a war of words with Tyra Banks after she called her fat on the Today show yesterday. While discussing Jennifer Love-Hewitt, who was recently pictured on the beach with buttocks so dimply they could be used as novelty peanut dispensers, Janice Dickinson said:

"Jennifer Love Hewitt is a healthy, not emaciated woman. She is a healthy girl. These are unflattering camera angles on her. You want to see someone fat, I'm sorry, Tyra, Tyra Banks is fat!"  

Janice Dickinson's words might seem to you like nothing more than a vaguely childish playground taunt, but they words will cut much deeper for Tyra Banks. Firstly, for a former supermodel to call another former supermodel fat is the third-biggest insult in the trade – after 'Are they split-ends?' and 'Oh my God, did you just, like, actually digest some food?' – and also Tyra Banks already knows she's fat, thank you.

Tyra Banks has such a weird obsession about her weight fluctuations that every third episode of her daytime TV show is devoted to either wearing a fat-suit to understand what being fat is like, shouting angrily into cameras about why people shouldn't call her fat or standing about in a bikini screaming "Worship me! I am a fraction of one percent less fat than I was a month ago!"  

And now Janice Dickinson has just fuelled the fire of Tyra Banks' weight-based neuroses even further with her remarks. While we await Tyra's inevitable public reply – which we assume will either be an outraged monologue on her TV show or a slow slide into weepingly inert Krispy Kreme dependency – perhaps Janice Dickinson should take some time to look at her own behaviour.

After all, Janice Dickinson is one of the lucky ones – we can't all look like a knotted-up sheet of dried-out pigskin, you know.

Read more:

Janice Dickinson: "Tyra Banks Is Fat!" - OK! 

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is in that tricky final week slump at the moment; all the genuinely awful celebrities – the ones that are fun to watch – have gone, but it’s too early to crown Christopher Biggins the winner yet.

But what a series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here it’s been! Full of classic I’m A Celebrity moments that people will talk about for years – like when, um, some on them sat in a van for a while and, er, the fat woman threw a semi-tantrum that lasted for about an atosecond. Ah, television gold.

But now that I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is shedding micro-celebrities with every passing day, who’s going to win? Here are the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds for Gemma Atkinson, Cerys Matthews, Jason Brown, Janice Dickinson and Christopher Biggins, with help from Paddy Power…

Gemma Atkinson – We can’t decide whether Gemma Atkinson deserves to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or not, and here are our reasons why: Cons – we’re already sick of not being able to walk past a newsagents without seeing Gemma Atkinson’s greased-up tits leering down at us from the covers of Nuts and Zoo and Arena and Maxim and FHM and Loaded all the time, and if she wins it’ll only get worse. Plus, failure to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here might crush Gemma’s dreams of releasing an album, and that’s in everyone’s interests. Pros – actually, no, we’re pretty certain that we don’t want Gemma Atkinson to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here after all. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 20/1

Cerys Matthews – So it seems that Cerys Matthews has spent the last decade of hopeless non-fame brushing up on her man-stealing skills, because throughout I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here she’s done a rather good job of making Beppe’s Brother From EastEnders‘ girlfriend cry a lot. Surely the British public won’t be able to throw themselves behind Cerys Matthews to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – not because of her confused ideology when it comes to relationships, but because she’s got a nasty pair of granny-claws. Urgh, granny-claws. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 11/1

Jason Brown – Sweet baby Moses we’re confused. Jason Brown hasn’t been kicked out of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here yet, even though he possesses about as much charisma as a month-old dogturd and looks like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia when he tries to grow a beard. Maybe the unthinkable is true – maybe people actually liked 5ive. Did people like 5ive enough to make sure that Jason Brown wins I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? That’s a prospect so terrifying that we can’t even bring ourselves to contemplate it. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 6/1

Janice Dickinson – You know what I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would have been without Janice Dickinson? A bunch of not-very famous people living in the woods. And with Janice Dickinson? A bunch of not-very famous people living in the woods with an angry American bawling in the background all the time. Janice has been as near to a must-watch contestant as I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here has got this year and, although a wombat cadaver would have got the same title compared to the likes of Anna Ryder Richardson, we can’t help feeling that Janice Dickinson is going to be getting her own ITV1 show in the very near future. That or she’ll end up advertising Iceland prawn rings like the rest of them all seem to do. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 9/2

Christopher Biggins – Christopher Biggins is the kind of man who, if you showed him a video of his family being mauled to death by a lion, would probably chuckle and comment on what a jolly lovely mane the lion has got. Because nothing phases Christopher Biggins, apart from rats crawling all over his sleeping body – and even then his idea of ‘phased’ is to make a noise like a pantomime dame being goosed. Look, we’ll be honest with you – we just want Christopher Biggins to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here so that he can host a brand new series of On Safari with Gillian Taylforth. It’ll happen, people. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 2/5

Tomorrow - Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Even the most hopelessly recluse televisiophobes among you will have noticed that I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is back on TV, but which hapless non-celebrity stands the biggest chance of winning this year?

It’s just as well that we’re here, isn’t it? We’ve got all the latest I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds for you right here, and even though the betting odds are deadly accurate at time of writing, we feel we should drop a few disclaimers here for the sake of transparency: 1) We can’t stand I’m A Celebrity get me Out Of Here, 2) No, really, we can’t stand it, 3) When Ant and Dec walk across that big bridge thing, we secretly wish it’d snap, 4) In our heads, we refer to I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as I Can Hardly Be Construed As A Celebrity By Any Stretch Of The Imagination But If I Eat This Kangaroo Anus Perhaps Someone Will Give Me An Iceland Advert. In full. All the time.

So with that in mind, who’s going to win this year’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? Here are this week’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here betting odds – for all of the contestants – with help from Paddy Power…

Lynne Franks – Supposedly the inspiration for Absolutely Fabulous, but we’re not convinced – as far as we can remember, Absolutely Fabulous wasn’t about a fat misery-guts who strops about like she’s possessed by the ghost of George Harrison. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 50/1

John Burton Race – I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here‘s resident red-eyed self-loathing celebrity chef. John Burton Race also happens to look a lot like Skeletor, but we haven’t decided if that’s a good or a bad thing yet. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 33/1

Anna Ryder Richardson – There’s no two ways about it; Anna Ryder Richardson must leave I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, because if she doesn’t there’s every chance she’ll become the new Linda Barker. And the world needs that like it needs to be stabbed to death by a tramp. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 25/1

Katie Hopkins – What a waste of a failed Apprentice candidate Katie Hopkins is on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Her place should have obviously been taken by Tre Azam, who’d have punched six crocodiles in the face by now. And he’d have chewed the arse off a live kangaroo. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 14/1

Jason Brown – Was once in 5ive, or so we’re told. Again, we’re not convinced – Jason seems to be so resolutely northern that he we can’t imagine he’d see singing, or in fact any other profession that doesn’t directly involve carrying coal up a ladder, as a bit poofy. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 14/1

Marc Bannerman – Used to be Dirty Beppe‘s brother in EastEnders, was in Celebrity Wrestling and got convinced to take part in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here by his friend Dean Gaffney. If you read all that without wanting to vote Marc Bannerman off, you’re made of stronger stuff than us. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 12/1

Rodney Marsh – The man who seems most intent on using I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as his resignation letter from public life. Every second Rodney senses the cameras are on him he’ll say something offensive like “Women make such a fuss about childbirth” or “You know what I hate? All black people.” Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 10/1

Gemma Atkinson – What sets Gemma Atkinson apart from all the other girls from Hollyoaks? Well, she’s northern and, um, she looks OK in a bikini and, well, erm… no, that’s it, really. But at least the northern and bikini bits make her unique as far as the Hollyoaks cast goes, right? Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 6/1

Cerys Matthews – Three things have happened to Cerys Matthews since she was last famous a decade ago: 1) She’s taken an inexplicable liking to cockneys, 2) her boobs have suddenly got gigantic, and 3) she’s developed granny-claws. All of these things freak us out. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 5/1

Janice Dickinson – The only reason why people watch I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Forthright to the point of madness, we can see the British public taking to Janice Dickinson like it did to David Gest last year, except hopefully Janice won’t stink up the newspapers for a year afterwards like Gest did. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 9/2

Christopher Biggins – Ooh, it’s Christopher Biggins! Lovely Chrissy Chris Christopher Biggity Biggy Biggins! He’s so lovely, isn’t he, dear old Christopher Biggins? We hope Christopher Biggins wins I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, because… actually, what does Christopher Biggins even do? Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.