It’s been close to half a year, but the question still remains: what killed Michael Jackson? Was it drugs?

Was it stress? Was it drugs? Was it financial strain? Or drugs? Drugs? Was it that giant dose of medical-grade anaesthetic he was given right before he died? Could that have anything to do with Michael Jackson’s death? Anyone?

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter what we think. But it does matter what Janet Jackson thinks, because a) Michael Jackson was her brother and b) she’s got a greatest hits album out that she needs to plug. And Janet Jackson is pointing the finger squarely at Michael Jackson’s doctor.

Nobody tell Jermaine Jackson – because he’ll only start organising another one of his tacky ‘JERMAINE JACKSON PRESENTS JERMAINE JACKSON AND THE JERMAINE JACKSON ALLSTARS (In A Tribute To Michael Jackson) STARRING JERMAINE JACKSON!’ concerts if he finds out – but Michael Jackson’s death means that Janet Jackson is now the world’s most famous Jackson.

And that’s a role that comes with a lot of responsibility. It’s Janet who must continue to spread the profoundly philanthropic messages that Michael Jackson sprinkled through his songs – messages like ‘heal the world’, ‘you are not alone’ and ‘burn this disco out’ – and it’s Janet who must take it upon herself to blame people for Michael Jackson’s death. She’s already quite good at the second one.

You see, as far as Janet Jackson is concerned, Michael Jackson would still be alive if it wasn’t for Dr Conrad Murray and his evil determination to kill her brother by nefariously injecting him with the deadly drug that he had specifically requested to be injected with and would have somehow got his hands on anyway. What a bastard.

Sure, Dr Murray hasn’t been charged with anything, but that doesn’t mean that he’s definitely completely responsible for Michael Jackson’s death and should never be allowed to doctor again. That’s what Janet has said in an interview, in any case. MTV reports:

“He was the one that was administering. … I think he’s responsible.” Though Murray has not been charged in the case and his lawyer said he did not administer anything that “should have” caused Jackson’s death, Janet reportedly tells ABC’s Robin Roberts that she believes Murray should not be allowed to practice medicine anymore.

Regardless of whether you think she’s right about this or not – personally we’d arrest the Pope if it meant that everyone would shut up about Michael Jackson – you have to admit that emotionally blaming a doctor for the death of your brother on national television is a weird way to go about promoting your new album. Let’s hope that Janet Jackson’s Number Ones – out today, kids! – gets a suitable sales boost because of this.

In fact, what with Rihanna plugging her new album with stories about being choked unconscious and now Janet Jackson plugging her new album with stories about mourning the recent death of her brother, it’d seem as if misery is the hot new way to get a hit record. Snoop Dogg’s got a new album coming out next month – he’ll need to think of something really sad to talk about if he wants it to be a success. May we suggest inventing a story about being bitten on the arse by a stoat?

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The US court system is as flawed as any other. All countries have embarrassing and slightly odd laws that make no sense and court procedures that render even cut and dried cases utterly laughable.

The latest inexplicable venture that has made the US courts look like a boob, is Janet Jackson’s, well, boob.

We can pretty much guarantee that you’d forgotten about the 2004 blunder that saw Justin Timberlake accidentally expose Janet Jackson’s chest to near a billion people on live TV during the Super Bowl. If you’d forgotten that happened, you would presumably have forgotten how much it annoyed the poop out of you that it was dragged out in the media for so long and that it resulted in several hilarious court cases.

Well, here we are to stir the pot and remind you how inane one particular case was.

The US taxpayer is still forking out for the court case that never should have been.

On Monday, the US Supreme Court ordered a federal appeals court to re-examine its ruling that favoured CBS, over the whole “wardrobe malfunction” incident. Yep. Millions more in taxpayer money is being spent this year on investigating just how offensive the sight of 42-year-old nip decor is.

One cannot help but think that if this were a case of 22-year-old Megan Fox or someone similar becoming so over-exposed this case would already be over. Not only that, but it would be so obviously a foregone conclusion that spending more than a few pennies on the entire case would have been labelled the biggest waste of money since working microphones were purchased for the Britney Spears Circus tour.

So, one could opine that some people’s boobies are more controversial than others.

In any case, the original back and forth and cries of being scarred for life were not quite enough of a waste of time. Those involved kindly took a lunch break, regrouped and came back for another round of legal shenanigans.

According to The AP the original large FCC fine may be re-instated in the Super Bowl case:

The Supreme Court on Monday ordered a federal appeals court to re-examine its ruling in favor of CBS Corp. in a legal fight over entertainer Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. The high court on Monday directed the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Philadelphia to consider reinstating the $550,000 fine that the Federal Communications Commission imposed on CBS over Jackson’s breast-baring performance at the 2004 Super Bowl.

This means anyone who is so inclined to watch the nine-sixteenths of one second video clip would be well advised to do so promptly.

That way when the decision is arbitrarily overturned once more, you will be in a far better position to give your professional opinion on the arse falling out of the US legal system and Janet Jackson’s nipple ring.

This was a guest blog from Amy Grindhouse, who is clearly the best.

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This is because no-one has developed a TV that can do such a thing, and also because there is some sort of financial crisis going on.

Yup, everything costs more and everyone is feeling the pain. Even the simple pleasures of life are being taken away. No more so then in Japan where Janet Jackson, the tit-bearing member of the Jackson circus, has had to cancel a few shows.

Because a bowl of rice now costs the same as a brand new Mercedes and has to feed a family of four for three weeks, everyone in Japan is feeling the financial strain. It must be crushingly disappointing for little Akira and Daiki, who dreamed of saving up their hard earned Yen to see one of the less popular Jacksons perform.

It doesn’t seem likely that Michael Jackson will perform any time soon, due to him being confined to a wheelchair. Not even Jermaine and Tito can persuade the baby-waving maniac to rejoin The Jackson 5.

Janet Jackson would have then been the next Jackson to tour the country and make a bit of cash. But with sister LaToya just leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house, there are magazine deals and endorsements to be had. Annoyingly, this pushes Janet even further down the Jackson pecking order.

With the western world not giving a toss, what could go wrong with Japan? It is a nation known for being slightly mental and lapping up most music that America produces. An easy ploy to make some money and shift a few records, right? Wrong!

Unless you were bought a ticket for Christmas and had to pretend you liked it, this news may excite some of our Japanese readers. BBC News reports:

“Japanese concert promoter Kyodo Yokohama said the singer cancelled five concerts due to take place in February, blaming the global financial crisis”.

However, does Janet know something that world leaders, banks and ourselves don’t? Despite these gigs being cancelled it appears that they aren’t gone for good. BBC News again tells us:

“The gigs in Japan will be rescheduled later this year, with new dates expected to be announced in March.”

March! That’s only two months away. Does that mean that our financial crisis is over and we can go back to our old ways of teasing the homeless with £10 notes?

If this news is true, then maybe Janet Jackson is the saviour of the world and we should all bow to her at regular intervals whilst kissing a porcelain cast of that tit that she exposed during the Super Bowl.

Or maybe she’s just worked out that more people will be able to buy tickets if she postpones the shows for a couple of months. Either way, we want to kiss a tit.

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Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.

Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness has been a cause for concern for quite some time now. Last month in Canada Janet Jackson cancelled a show at the eleventh hour and was rushed to hospital. The lack of immediate diagnosis, coupled with the fact that Janet Jackson then cancelled further concerts, became quite the cause for concern.

Was Janet Jackson seriously ill? Had she come down with cancer? Did she have a dicky ticker? Was it time for her to update her will to include her imaginary teenage daughter? Or, conversely, was Janet Jackson just doing that thing her brother Michael does where he conveniently gets quite ill whenever he’s asked to do something he doesn’t feel like?

Maybe we’ll never know. Or maybe Janet Jackson’s spokesperson has now revealed exactly which illness she’s suffering from in quite specific detail. Which one is it, huh? Huh? Oh, the second one. E! Online reports:

“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp and obtained by E! News.

Well that’s a weight off everyone’s mind, at least. Janet Jackson isn’t seriously ill after all – she’s just got a bit of a headache.

Actually in all seriousness it’s quite easy to see how Janet Jackson could develop something like migraine-associated vertigo. Now that she’s on tour, she spends her nights standing in front of gigantic blasts of thrashing noise, and that probably caused havoc with her inner ear.

Oh, no, wait, sorry – this is Janet Jackson we’re talking about, isn’t it. Her concerts actually involve her whispering the word ’sexy’ over and over during several songs that all sound like a mouse farting on top of a broken wind-up clock. That probably wouldn’t do much to her inner ear at all, in retrospect. God knows what’s up with her.

Still, we hope that Janet Jackson makes a speedy recovery from this vertigo that’s been blighting her tour so badly. Hopefully she’ll be able to get over this illness, complete all her shows and get back to what she does the best – making albums that nobody even pretends to notice any more. Attagirl, Janet.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

We’ll give you the good news first, and then the better news. The good news is that Janet Jackson has left hospital. On Monday night, when Janet Jackson suddenly fell ill and was hospitalised right before a concert, there were fears that Janet had succumbed to some sort of incredibly serious disease.

But it’s OK, because she didn’t stay in hospital for long enough for that to be feasible, as E! Online reports:

According to Rebecca Burns, a spokeswoman for the hospital, the 42-year-old Grammy winner “was discharged after a few hours.” Burns declined to elaborate on the singer’s condition, citing patient confidentiality rules. In a brief statement, the singer’s publicist did not address her ailment but said Jackson “is recuperating.”

A few hours? That’s how long it takes to even get seen in a hospital, isn’t it? If you went to hospital for a few hours anywhere around here you’d spend the entirety of that time sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair watching Cash In The Attic repeats on a TV with the volume turned down next to a coughing old lady.

If Janet Jackson was only in hospital for a few hours, chances are she hung around for a bit, listened to a doctor say “There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop wasting my time,” and went home again. She’s going to be OK!

However, that’s not something we can say for sure, because nobody is disclosing what Janet Jackson’s illness actually is. Based on highly scientific arbitrary guesswork, though, we think we’ve narrowed down Janet Jackson’s mystery illness to one of the following:

* Gout

* Green Monkey Disease

* Dandy-Walker Syndrome

* Uveomeningoencephalitic Syndrome

* Probably, like, a cold or something

Oh, we promised you better news, didn’t we? Well, the better news is that following her hospitalisation, Janet Jackson has cancelled her concerts in Boston and Philadelphia.

That means that up to 4,000 boyfriends in each area will now get to breathe a sigh of relief because they will no longer be dragged to a bloody Janet Jackson concert when they could be doing something more constructive, like picking their belly buttons or seeing how long they can hold one of their eyes open for before it starts to hurt.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ’suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case – whoops.

Janet Jackson must be glad she kept that secret teenage daughter of hers a secret, because there could be a chance that Janet’s going to need to start harvesting her organs before long.

Why? Because that bout of the sniffles that wrecked Janet Jackson’s SNL appearance in March has escalated into a full-blown mystery illness that has disappointed literally dozens of Canadian Janet Jackson fans. Well, disappointed is a strong word. And so is dozens, for that matter.

Anyway, the point is that Janet Jackson suddenly got ill right before a concert last night and had to cancel the show. BBC News reports:

The 42-year-old had to cancel her Montreal show after she “got suddenly ill” during her sound check, her publicists said. Jackson was being monitored at an unnamed hospital but no further details of her condition have been released.

Are you getting this? Janet Jackson is ill with a disease that’s a secret in a hospital that’s unknown in a country that nobody cares about. Don’t any of you say we never give you the facts.

For the time being, Janet Jackson hopes to reschedule her cancelled concert – leading us to believe that she’s either not that seriously ill at all or that she plans to surprise the population of Montreal in the future with a number of sexy dance routines performed inside an iron lung attached to a stationary bleeping piece of hospital equipment.

Hopefully it’ll be the first one, otherwise we’re going to look a right bunch of dicks.

In the seventies you’d know the Jacksons as that annoying bunch of kids whose songs were more infectious then the Ebola virus, while the eighties and early nineties saw Michael Jackson pull away and gain success on his own.

Sadly MJ knackered things up towards the end of the nineties with “botched surgery” plaguing the Jackson name. Then at the turn of the millennium, things got worse as the tags “dodgy alleged child molester”, “rubber masked mo’ fo’” and “strange reality show contestant” were thrown around.

Whilst all the male members of the Jackson family were being beaten daily by their father to perform like dancing bears, poor Janet Jackson didn’t get a look in, with only Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Michael and Randy involved in the Jackson 5 set-up.

Sadly, she’d have to go alone at it, using her surname like the unfamous sibling of a celebrity does. Yes she released some songs, but they weren’t “omg wow amazing,” though getting her tit out at the Super Bowl XXXVIII show in February 2004 did help.

Employed to entertain a rabble of drunken Americans whilst they waited for a poor man’s rugby game to kick off again, Janet was joined by her mate Justin Timberlake. The song itself was doing little to entertain anyone watching, but the real fun didn’t kick in until the end when Timberlake messed around with Janet’s costume. Tearing open her top, he exposed her right breast. Dubbing it as a “wardrobe malfunction,” the two were in for a right telling off. It made Bubbles the monkey cry for God’s sake!

Because Americans are scared of seeing another human naked, the CBS network was fined $550,000 and forced to show all future Super Bowl events on a delay. You know, just incase Paul McCartney whips down his trousers and makes a daisy chain out of his pubes if he was ever asked to play at halftime.

Because Janet is running out of fresh, innovative ideas, she has had to resort to past glories like these for a money spinning opportunity. Her lingerie line Pleasure Principle – named after a song that no-one really knows about from 1987 – apparently aims to make women feel feminine and sexy. At least she’s not set out to make ladies look hairy, butch and transgender. Janet said:

“People have come to me with other ideas, but lingerie is a passion for me, and just like music and acting, I can’t do it unless I put 100% into it.”

It remains to be seen if there will be a super special bra which will have a unusual pad for you to rip off in order to get that Super Bowl feeling. Failing that, we’re sure that a life size cardboard cut out of Justin Timberlake complete with strange, shocked reaction-face will be provided so you can recreate the moment in your front room.

With Janet Jackson’s bra and knickers to be set rolling out of sweatshops imminently, we hope that Michael Jackson will bring out his own brand of face scarves to cover up any individual’s face. Failing that, at least a Dummies Guide To Avoiding Kiddy Fiddling Charges. Gary Glitter would have bought a copy three years ago.

So thank heavens that Janet Jackson has finally got broody – she wants a baby so badly that it's all she can do not to dress up as a nurse and snatch one from a maternity ward somewhere.

That's according to Janet's boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, anyway. He says that Janet is so desperate for babies that they're going to try for one the instant she finishes her upcoming tour. But why wait? if Janet Jackson wants a baby that badly she should throw caution to the wind and just cancel her shows. The fans won't mind – if they're Janet Jackson fans they'll have grown used to the crushing feeling of disappointment anyway.

We can't help but wonder what Janet Jackson would be like as a mother. On the one hand we can totally see the plus sides – she's already developed an offensively efficient breastfeeding technique – but we can't help feeling that she'd probably pass you off to relatives and then deny you were ever born the moment she gave birth to you. It's a tricky one. 

But we might just about be ready to find out. According to her boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, Janet Jackson is furiously intent on having a baby as soon as possible.

And since Jermaine Dupri loves Janet Jackson so much that he took the blame when one of her last albums fared traditionally dismally, he's decided to bite the bullet and help her out. MTV reports:

Janet admitted earlier this year that she was itching to have children… Dupri already has a daughter and explained that he’s not concerned whether he has a boy or a girl with Janet "It really doesn't matter. Janet would be a great mum. She was around so many brothers and sisters all her life, so she's got to know what that is (like)”.

Yes, that's right. That's exactly right. Janet Jackson will be a good mother because she knows what it's like to be part of a large, perfectly normal family that wasn't pushed into showbusiness by an brutal taskmaster of a father or grew up to become, variously, a spooky cross-dressing recluse surrounded by allegations of child abuse, a man who tried writing a book about how much of a paedophile his brother was, a Playboy model and a grown man named Tito. That Mother Of The Year award's as good as hers already.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here – Janet Jackson's actually got to have the baby first. And that might be a bit tricky. Not because of all the risks inherent in becoming pregnant at 42, you understand, but because we're not sure if she knows how it works. 

After all, Janet Jackson's technique to get people to think she's sexy is to just explicitly say the word 'sexy' over and over again in her songs, so there's a pretty good chance that she thinks people get pregnant just by repeating the word 'baby' in a mumbly cod-erotic way a bunch of times.

That won’t happen any time soon – not when they could broadcast 158 episodes of How It’s Made back-to-back instead – so in the meantime we’ve found this wonderful collection of celebrity cleavage mishaps to tide us over.

It’s pretty much a joy to look at. All the usual suspects are there – Judy Finnigan’s bra exposing itself at an awards show, Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl malfunction – plus hot new upstarts like JK Rowling getting her boob groped by a balding older gentleman and a picture of Sean Maguire gawping at Michelle Ryan’s chest like a hungry baby that we’re certain will haunt us for weeks.

Take a look at the celebrity cleavage mishaps – and if you can think of a better one that hasn’t been included, you can sign in and upload them yourself. A lollipop to the first person who uploads the picture of Diddy trying to slyly glance at Jessica Biel’s knockers in front of the entire world’s media.

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Celebrity Cleavage Mishaps - OSOYOU

You see, Janet Jackson was supposed to be performing on Saturday Night Live this week but she's dropped out because she's got the sniffles. Or, as she likes to call it, 'the flu'.

A fairly serious bout of flu nonetheless, because Janet Jackson wound up in hospital because of it, but on the bright side at least by pulling out of SNL Janet Jackson has stopped an audience of millions from catching whatever degenerative brain disease you get when you're forced to watch a fortysomething woman repeatedly try to convince you of how sexy she is to a backing of tinpot R&B fluff.

Disease is laying waste to our celebrities at the moment, whether it's newsreaders dying from strokes or 1980s film stars being diagnosed with terminal cancer or widdly-woo rockers catching mystery tour-cancelling illnesses. Whatever happened to celebrities getting a little tiny bit ill and making a great big fuss about it? Huh?

Relax, because Janet Jackson has heard our pleas and pulled out of a TV appearance because she's got a bit of a cold. MSNBC reports:

Janet Jackson has dropped out of her upcoming “Saturday Night Live” performance because she has the flu, the singer’s representative said Tuesday. Celebrity Web site TMZ.com reports that the singer even checked into the ER at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. “Janet did go to the hospital last night due to the fact she’s been suffering from this flu that’s kicked a lot of people’s behinds,” publicist Patti Webster told The Associated Press in an e-mail. “She was never admitted and she is fine.”

Really? Janet Jackson? The flu? Surely Janet Jackson's immune system is as strong as an ox by now, what with everything she's been through. She's exposed enough flesh to the elements and given birth to enough phantom daughters over the years that a bit of a snotty nose shouldn't be able to stop Janet Jackson from appearing on a TV show.

If we're guessing correctly, Janet Jackson would have been on SNL to perform her new single Feedback. And that wouldn't have taken much energy, since it's basically just Janet croaking about how sexy she thinks she is through Dr Stephen Hawking's voicebox to the sound of an old Britney Spears cast-off. Janet Jackson could do that in her sleep. It certainly sounds like she recorded it that way, anyway.

Or maybe, just maybe, Janet Jackson is exaggerating her illness because her new album isn't selling and she's decided that pretending to be ill is a better way to drum up publicity for it than by twonking about on Facebook like REM.

Now we know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Have a heart hecklerspray. Janet Jackson had the flu, and the flu can actually kill people." Which is true – the flu can kill you, but it usually only kills people who are really really impossibly old and… oh.

In that case, close call, Janet. Sorry for ever doubting you.

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Janet Jackson drops out of ‘SNL’ performance – MSNBC