Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful.  

Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?

Oh, quiet down at the front ? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with incessant mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.

No, these are the harsh, cruel, ill-judged vibes of PETA of course. That’s the one. Bitch-eyes from the furries. Tut tut. Ohnoshedidn’t. Holy Things That Matter Entirely, Batman. All that.

After designing a (admittedly quite real-fur specific) fashion label BlackGlama, Janet has been called up for her crimes against all the adorable little swans and herons she’s been murdering grumpily whilst rolling her eyes and muttering about glass ceilings, The Klumps, and cardiologists that dawdle, and been told by the PETA to “GRR STOPIT WE DON’T LIKE HOW FAMOUS AND NASTY YOU ARE.”

Or if you’re hankering for something a tad more specific:

‘When Janet Jackson had her infamous wardrobe malfunction during Super Bowl XXXVIII, at least what popped into view of 170 million onlookers belonged to her, unlike the animal skins she drapes herself in, which are as dead as her fashion taste and her career.’

What, Justin Timberlake’s odium? Oh, right her nipples. Oh, let us off, it’s the end of the year.

Hmm. This doesn’t really make sense at all, really. Does she…win? Is that it? Did Janet Jackson win at PETA?

Oh, well in that case, that’s wonderful! Congratulations Janet. Especially when you must have had stiff competition from our own UK genocide attempts.

 *Sigh*

Do you know how they make mink coats? They get a mink and shout obscenities at it – IN MINK LANGUAGE – until it cries. Then, they make then stand on their hindly mink legs until they break before men come in and kick the skin off them.

Then, worst of all, the skinless, frightened mink creatures are all forced to sew their fur together into expensive coats.

COATS DESIGNED BY JANET JACKSON WHO HATES MINKS.

Of course, wearing fur is desperately unfashionable these days, now that most have got a conscience. However, that won’t bother Janet Jackson as she’s been out of the pop-cultural loop for years, right?

Apparently, Janet Jacko has managed to get over the death of her brother Michael, forgotten all about those animals that made him cry when they were mistreated and used, and signed up with a fur firm called Blackglama.

No. We didn’t make ‘Blackglama’ up.

Anyway, Janet is going to create a luxury mink collection, which features 15 items ranging from coats to gloves made from the backs, faces and scrota of mink who have been bullied by men with special mink-kicking boots in lipstick.

Janet, unaware as usual, says:

“The art of fashion is one of my great passions. I’ve worked for years to bring a collection into the world. Partnering with Blackglama is very exciting.”

It goes without saying that Jackson has already come under fire from animal-rights campaigners. Last year, after she modelled various dead mink, PETA went mental.

Spokeswoman for PETA, Amanda Schinke, is on record as saying:

“It’s amazing what celebrities will do when their careers are on a downslide, but we didn’t think that Janet was this desperate.”

Schinke should totally write for hecklerspray.

Towards the end of his dog-eared career, Michael Jackson began to resemble an eerie looking clown who’s wax face was tarnishing in a mild midday heat. See, we can say that because that’s our opinion. But if you go to a concert by not-so-important Jackson sibling Janet, that right will be taken from you.

Due to popular media such as Twitter and Facebook, a group of Pete Doherty poetry loving twerps can use the power of the internet to raise their voice and stick it to the man. Yer! Peace for all and freedom for those in Tibet – all planned over a sweatshop produced laptop whilst sipping on a Grande Latte with cinnamon swirls, lemon shots and organic camel milk.

But if you dare comment on Michael Jackson having a wonky nose at a Janet Jackson gig you may face the wrath of Joe Jackson who’ll chase you with his famous beating belt. Or as he called it, the “dancing encourager.” But why would Janet Jackson stop us from voicing our opinion? Surely it has nothing to do with the ongoing trial of ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray? Oh.

Janet Jackson wasn’t part of the recent tribute show in Cardiff where the line up was effectively a pick of the best from X-Factor – if you can call them that. Who wouldn’t want to shell out a load of cash to see JLS, Alexandra Burke and the one that covered a Snow Patrol song? You know, she looks like a horse. Gutted you missed out? Who wouldn’t be, as La Toya Jackson came out of retirement to sing songs that nobody knows!

But why didn’t Janet perform? Did she feel threatened about being outperformed by Craig David or the show’s emotionless presenter Fearne Cotton? Don’t be daft, Janet has how own career as well (supposedly). And she’s touring! Whoop-de-doo!

Amazingly, it isn’t billed under the title “Janet Jackson: Not As Good As My Brother Michael Tour,” but the flashier sounding “Number Ones, Up Close And Personal.” Somebody call Anne Robinson over at Watchdog, we can’t think of a single number one that Janet has had. That’s about as believable as the time Michael said he wasn’t addicted to painkillers.

Now, we’re a little confused; how would security monitor gig goers? In theory it mightn’t be overly difficult on the face of it as we all know that roughly eight people turn up to an average Janet Jackson gig. After some vague research, it appears that Janet is referring to a support act comedian who’s touring with her. Strict stipulations of the concerts state that:

“The comedian will not make any reference to Janet Jackson or the Jackson family; although that means that any comedian sharing the stage with the singer will also be gagged against any gags aimed at Tito, Jermaine et al, it’s clear that in the current climate it’s her late brother’s name that Janet is keen to spare. Janet is currently playing in Australia where she’ll remain until mid-November when switching to South Africa.”

Aren’t there only three cities in Australia? Because the country is more of a giant land mass containing only rocks, sand and dingo’s eating the natives children, more time will be spent travelling for Janet and her entourage than performing.

But hey, now that the freedom of speech issue has been cleared up, you’re now free to attend a Janet Jackson gig and discuss your own opinions as loudly as you want. Was Michael really a man who liked to slip children the odd glass of Jesus Juice to ease them into one of his super duper special hugs?

Or did he attempt to peel back Bubble’s foreskin to see his special monkey banana? Neither of them are with us now, so we’ll never know.

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When buying tickets for a gig billed as “Number Ones Tour”, you’d expect the evening to be a musical extravaganza where the arena quickly becomes a mass karaoke session with the punters singing back towards the performer.

Well, that would be correct in nearly every instance apart from when Janet Jackson is involved.

At times we sometimes forget that she is a member of the Jackson tribe because, of all the wacky gang, she ranks fairly low on the list in terms of talent and fame. Michael Jackson grabbed most of the families singing and dancing ability, leaving Janet to feed on the scraps that aren’t good enough to be b-sides. Imagine our surprise when we saw a poster advertising a new Janet Jackson number one tour. We didn’t realise she had enough fans to dint the top forty, let alone the number one spot.

We guess this is going to be the closest thing to seeing a Jackson member doing a tour anytime soon. Michael Jackson did the inconvenient thing of passing away, leaving a huge fifty date gap in the diary of the O2 Arena in London. After years of pissing about, fans of the Jackson family might finally get some sort of tour organised.

Shame it’s going to be a disappointing lacklustre production from a woman who is more famous for her tit popping out at the Super Bowl rather than actual singing.

We’re going to blame America for all of this. The UK as a whole is generally switched on when it comes to music. After all, which is the only country in the world where hillbilly country & western can make you an overnight sensation and guarantee more groupie action than a repetitive sex session with your sister?

That’s right, the good old USA. Hotdog!

Looking through the chart positions of Janet Jackson, it seems that out there somewhere, someone is buying her music with most of her albums going in at number one. Subsequently, you’d expect a load of spin off singles, but for poor Janet Jackson, this hasn’t happened for a while. 2008 saw her last studio album Discipline with the lead single Rock With U bombing in at number 121. Ouch.

But that’s okay -  everyone is allowed an occasional blip.

However, when you haven’t had a number one single since 2001 with something called All For You then questions have to be asked. Over the course of her solo career starting from 1986 and up to the present day, Janet Jackson has only bagged ten number ones.

Of course, we expect people to say “oooh well how many have you had?” but the laughable fact remains that over twenty three years, she fails in comparison to someone like the never aging Madonna and is launching a tour off the back her apparent achievement.

If it had been billed as “The Tour Full Of Maybes And Mishaps Ft Michael Jacksons Sister,” it might have done better.

Perhaps she needs a novelty animal to help people feel sorry for her, like a giraffe. It worked for Michael Jackson and God knows the later output of his musical career was absolute guff.

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Janet Jackson has had a funny ol’ career hasn’t she? At first, she was pretty much derided and then, at some point in the ’80s, she unleashed a record that sounded like RnB as realised in a dark, dystopian future.

Then, someone cupped her boobs and she made an album that soundtracked the impregnating of millions of women. Fast-forward a chunk and there she is, in the middle of a sports arena with her tit hanging out.

It’s not surprising that our Janet is a bit messed-up in the head. She’s had some spotlight of her own and of course, had the glare of her brothers’ spotlight blinding her too. This isn’t helped by the fact that Michael ‘Oooh, he can’t do a pissing thing wrong because he did stuff for charity’ Jackson bullied the life out of her when she was little. The big shit.

Janet has revealed that her big brother used to rib her when she was young, mainly about her arse. Collectively, the Jackson brothers would howl nice words like “horse,” “pig” and “cow” at her.

What a pleasant bunch.

Of course, this haranguing and verbal abuse made Janet immensely insecure about her looks. Some of you are probably thinking ‘well… she was a bit fat once upon a time…’. You monsters. You’re worse than the Jackson brothers and they’re all clearly monumental gits.

Janet says:

“I would literally bang my head up against the wall because I didn”t feel attractive,”

“There was a lot of pain in my life. But I did. I felt very unattractive”

Like all victims of name-calling, she used to laugh off the needless taunts. Rather than confronting Michael, the dastardly ringleader, about his hurtful words, she simply got all that pain and swallowed it whole. MJ fans will no doubt try and pass this off as the folly of youth and proffer that Michael grew as a person or was probably feeling hurt himself.

Yeah. Apologists. You’re the kind of monsters who would defend someone for killing someone else aren’t you?

On a cheerier note, Janet Jackson will be earning money from her childhood trauma in her book True You: A Journey to Finding and Loving Yourself, which will be published on February 15.

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You know what? I’ve come to the conclusion that Janet Jackson is probably my favourite out of all of the ill-fated Jackson Cloning experiments of the 50s and 60s.

Face it, she isn’t the one that gave her children aggressively brainless names that make them sound like they’re suffering a minor stroke due to an onset of unaccountable self-aggrandisement whenever they introduce themselves, like Jermaine did. She seems like less of a manic than LaToya. And there are fewer whispered rumours of ‘shedosmilia’ or ‘smiled smape’ than the dead one.

Of course, there are about 600 failed Jackson experiments that I haven’t mentioned. I didn’t mention them because it’s impossible for any human being to have any knowledge of more than five at a time before the urge to cease existing becomes irresistible. Having said that though, I’d be willing to bet that not one of the other hundreds of Jacksons lurking on the edge of major cities waiting for the ‘go code’ to be transmitted to their frontal cortex can spark civil unrest with the slightest hint of their unclothed chebs being shown on prime time television. That fact alone makes Janet the best one.

But having total genital power over all teenage boys that cared enough to record, slow down and squint at the precise point that you could see a square centimetre of famous nork is not enough for Janet, no way. Now she’s claiming to have discovered Lady Gaga. DigitalSpy honks:

Janet Jackson has reportedly claimed that she was aware of Lady GaGa before anyone knew who she was. “Before she made it, before anyone knew who she was, I knew who she was and, to see her finally make it, I was so happy.”

Doesn’t that confirm her status as the Best Jackson? Not only is she a supreme talent scout, she can also see into the future. She knew who Lady Gaga was even before she knew herself. Of course, all of the Jacksons are known for their unimpeachable ethics and high moral standing, so it would be unfitting of us to speculate on this unprompted, frankly unrealistic claim.

It simply must be true. To suggest that it is just because people can barely remember who she is, other than the person who simultaneously corrupted the largest number of impressionable American children in living memory, sparking off mass juvenile orgies with merely a picosecond flash of boob, would be the act of a charlatan. Not to mention that she has a reissue of her Best Of out and each headline she gets is roughly equivalent to 4.5 units sold. No, it’s far more likely that she trawled stripclubs on the Lower East Side of Manhattan looking for the next eccentric Madonna wannabe. Surely.

Besides, why would she pretend to have discovered someone like Lady Gaga? Surely the logical successor to the Jackson’s crown of Creating Overproduced Commercial Soul would be Chris Brown. The only trouble there is that her name would be linked to someone accused of a horrific physical cri- oh wait, nevermind.

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It’s been close to half a year, but the question still remains: what killed Michael Jackson? Was it drugs?

Was it stress? Was it drugs? Was it financial strain? Or drugs? Drugs? Was it that giant dose of medical-grade anaesthetic he was given right before he died? Could that have anything to do with Michael Jackson’s death? Anyone?

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter what we think. But it does matter what Janet Jackson thinks, because a) Michael Jackson was her brother and b) she’s got a greatest hits album out that she needs to plug. And Janet Jackson is pointing the finger squarely at Michael Jackson’s doctor.

Nobody tell Jermaine Jackson – because he’ll only start organising another one of his tacky ‘JERMAINE JACKSON PRESENTS JERMAINE JACKSON AND THE JERMAINE JACKSON ALLSTARS (In A Tribute To Michael Jackson) STARRING JERMAINE JACKSON!’ concerts if he finds out – but Michael Jackson’s death means that Janet Jackson is now the world’s most famous Jackson.

And that’s a role that comes with a lot of responsibility. It’s Janet who must continue to spread the profoundly philanthropic messages that Michael Jackson sprinkled through his songs – messages like ‘heal the world’, ‘you are not alone’ and ‘burn this disco out’ – and it’s Janet who must take it upon herself to blame people for Michael Jackson’s death. She’s already quite good at the second one.

You see, as far as Janet Jackson is concerned, Michael Jackson would still be alive if it wasn’t for Dr Conrad Murray and his evil determination to kill her brother by nefariously injecting him with the deadly drug that he had specifically requested to be injected with and would have somehow got his hands on anyway. What a bastard.

Sure, Dr Murray hasn’t been charged with anything, but that doesn’t mean that he’s definitely completely responsible for Michael Jackson’s death and should never be allowed to doctor again. That’s what Janet has said in an interview, in any case. MTV reports:

“He was the one that was administering. … I think he’s responsible.” Though Murray has not been charged in the case and his lawyer said he did not administer anything that “should have” caused Jackson’s death, Janet reportedly tells ABC’s Robin Roberts that she believes Murray should not be allowed to practice medicine anymore.

Regardless of whether you think she’s right about this or not – personally we’d arrest the Pope if it meant that everyone would shut up about Michael Jackson – you have to admit that emotionally blaming a doctor for the death of your brother on national television is a weird way to go about promoting your new album. Let’s hope that Janet Jackson’s Number Ones – out today, kids! – gets a suitable sales boost because of this.

In fact, what with Rihanna plugging her new album with stories about being choked unconscious and now Janet Jackson plugging her new album with stories about mourning the recent death of her brother, it’d seem as if misery is the hot new way to get a hit record. Snoop Dogg‘s got a new album coming out next month – he’ll need to think of something really sad to talk about if he wants it to be a success. May we suggest inventing a story about being bitten on the arse by a stoat?

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The US court system is as flawed as any other. All countries have embarrassing and slightly odd laws that make no sense and court procedures that render even cut and dried cases utterly laughable.

The latest inexplicable venture that has made the US courts look like a boob, is Janet Jackson‘s, well, boob.

We can pretty much guarantee that you’d forgotten about the 2004 blunder that saw Justin Timberlake accidentally expose Janet Jackson’s chest to near a billion people on live TV during the Super Bowl. If you’d forgotten that happened, you would presumably have forgotten how much it annoyed the poop out of you that it was dragged out in the media for so long and that it resulted in several hilarious court cases.

Well, here we are to stir the pot and remind you how inane one particular case was.

The US taxpayer is still forking out for the court case that never should have been.

On Monday, the US Supreme Court ordered a federal appeals court to re-examine its ruling that favoured CBS, over the whole “wardrobe malfunction” incident. Yep. Millions more in taxpayer money is being spent this year on investigating just how offensive the sight of 42-year-old nip decor is.

One cannot help but think that if this were a case of 22-year-old Megan Fox or someone similar becoming so over-exposed this case would already be over. Not only that, but it would be so obviously a foregone conclusion that spending more than a few pennies on the entire case would have been labelled the biggest waste of money since working microphones were purchased for the Britney Spears Circus tour.

So, one could opine that some people’s boobies are more controversial than others.

In any case, the original back and forth and cries of being scarred for life were not quite enough of a waste of time. Those involved kindly took a lunch break, regrouped and came back for another round of legal shenanigans.

According to The AP the original large FCC fine may be re-instated in the Super Bowl case:

The Supreme Court on Monday ordered a federal appeals court to re-examine its ruling in favor of CBS Corp. in a legal fight over entertainer Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. The high court on Monday directed the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Philadelphia to consider reinstating the $550,000 fine that the Federal Communications Commission imposed on CBS over Jackson’s breast-baring performance at the 2004 Super Bowl.

This means anyone who is so inclined to watch the nine-sixteenths of one second video clip would be well advised to do so promptly.

That way when the decision is arbitrarily overturned once more, you will be in a far better position to give your professional opinion on the arse falling out of the US legal system and Janet Jackson’s nipple ring.

This was a guest blog from Amy Grindhouse, who is clearly the best.

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Despite our best attempts to distance ourselves from the real world in the hope that one day Jessica Rabbit will leap out of our TV and have rampant sex with us, we have to be realistic.

This is because no-one has developed a TV that can do such a thing, and also because there is some sort of financial crisis going on.

Yup, everything costs more and everyone is feeling the pain. Even the simple pleasures of life are being taken away. No more so then in Japan where Janet Jackson, the tit-bearing member of the Jackson circus, has had to cancel a few shows.

Because a bowl of rice now costs the same as a brand new Mercedes and has to feed a family of four for three weeks, everyone in Japan is feeling the financial strain. It must be crushingly disappointing for little Akira and Daiki, who dreamed of saving up their hard earned Yen to see one of the less popular Jacksons perform.

It doesn’t seem likely that Michael Jackson will perform any time soon, due to him being confined to a wheelchair. Not even Jermaine and Tito can persuade the baby-waving maniac to rejoin The Jackson 5.

Janet Jackson would have then been the next Jackson to tour the country and make a bit of cash. But with sister LaToya just leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house, there are magazine deals and endorsements to be had. Annoyingly, this pushes Janet even further down the Jackson pecking order.

With the western world not giving a toss, what could go wrong with Japan? It is a nation known for being slightly mental and lapping up most music that America produces. An easy ploy to make some money and shift a few records, right? Wrong!

Unless you were bought a ticket for Christmas and had to pretend you liked it, this news may excite some of our Japanese readers. BBC News reports:

“Japanese concert promoter Kyodo Yokohama said the singer cancelled five concerts due to take place in February, blaming the global financial crisis”.

However, does Janet know something that world leaders, banks and ourselves don’t? Despite these gigs being cancelled it appears that they aren’t gone for good. BBC News again tells us:

“The gigs in Japan will be rescheduled later this year, with new dates expected to be announced in March.”

March! That’s only two months away. Does that mean that our financial crisis is over and we can go back to our old ways of teasing the homeless with £10 notes?

If this news is true, then maybe Janet Jackson is the saviour of the world and we should all bow to her at regular intervals whilst kissing a porcelain cast of that tit that she exposed during the Super Bowl.

Or maybe she’s just worked out that more people will be able to buy tickets if she postpones the shows for a couple of months. Either way, we want to kiss a tit.

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For a few weeks the corner of the world that still cares about Janet Jackson has been asking one question – what’s wrong with the woman?

Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.

Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness has been a cause for concern for quite some time now. Last month in Canada Janet Jackson cancelled a show at the eleventh hour and was rushed to hospital. The lack of immediate diagnosis, coupled with the fact that Janet Jackson then cancelled further concerts, became quite the cause for concern.

Was Janet Jackson seriously ill? Had she come down with cancer? Did she have a dicky ticker? Was it time for her to update her will to include her imaginary teenage daughter? Or, conversely, was Janet Jackson just doing that thing her brother Michael does where he conveniently gets quite ill whenever he’s asked to do something he doesn’t feel like?

Maybe we’ll never know. Or maybe Janet Jackson’s spokesperson has now revealed exactly which illness she’s suffering from in quite specific detail. Which one is it, huh? Huh? Oh, the second one. E! Online reports:

“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp and obtained by E! News.

Well that’s a weight off everyone’s mind, at least. Janet Jackson isn’t seriously ill after all – she’s just got a bit of a headache.

Actually in all seriousness it’s quite easy to see how Janet Jackson could develop something like migraine-associated vertigo. Now that she’s on tour, she spends her nights standing in front of gigantic blasts of thrashing noise, and that probably caused havoc with her inner ear.

Oh, no, wait, sorry – this is Janet Jackson we’re talking about, isn’t it. Her concerts actually involve her whispering the word ‘sexy’ over and over during several songs that all sound like a mouse farting on top of a broken wind-up clock. That probably wouldn’t do much to her inner ear at all, in retrospect. God knows what’s up with her.

Still, we hope that Janet Jackson makes a speedy recovery from this vertigo that’s been blighting her tour so badly. Hopefully she’ll be able to get over this illness, complete all her shows and get back to what she does the best – making albums that nobody even pretends to notice any more. Attagirl, Janet.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness hasn’t got any less mysterious over the last 24 hours, but it might have gone away – unless it hasn’t.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

We’ll give you the good news first, and then the better news. The good news is that Janet Jackson has left hospital. On Monday night, when Janet Jackson suddenly fell ill and was hospitalised right before a concert, there were fears that Janet had succumbed to some sort of incredibly serious disease.

But it’s OK, because she didn’t stay in hospital for long enough for that to be feasible, as E! Online reports:

According to Rebecca Burns, a spokeswoman for the hospital, the 42-year-old Grammy winner “was discharged after a few hours.” Burns declined to elaborate on the singer’s condition, citing patient confidentiality rules. In a brief statement, the singer’s publicist did not address her ailment but said Jackson “is recuperating.”

A few hours? That’s how long it takes to even get seen in a hospital, isn’t it? If you went to hospital for a few hours anywhere around here you’d spend the entirety of that time sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair watching Cash In The Attic repeats on a TV with the volume turned down next to a coughing old lady.

If Janet Jackson was only in hospital for a few hours, chances are she hung around for a bit, listened to a doctor say “There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop wasting my time,” and went home again. She’s going to be OK!

However, that’s not something we can say for sure, because nobody is disclosing what Janet Jackson’s illness actually is. Based on highly scientific arbitrary guesswork, though, we think we’ve narrowed down Janet Jackson’s mystery illness to one of the following:

* Gout

* Green Monkey Disease

* Dandy-Walker Syndrome

* Uveomeningoencephalitic Syndrome

* Probably, like, a cold or something

Oh, we promised you better news, didn’t we? Well, the better news is that following her hospitalisation, Janet Jackson has cancelled her concerts in Boston and Philadelphia.

That means that up to 4,000 boyfriends in each area will now get to breathe a sigh of relief because they will no longer be dragged to a bloody Janet Jackson concert when they could be doing something more constructive, like picking their belly buttons or seeing how long they can hold one of their eyes open for before it starts to hurt.

If there’s one thing more annoying than going to a Janet Jackson concert, it’s going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ‘suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case – whoops.

Janet Jackson must be glad she kept that secret teenage daughter of hers a secret, because there could be a chance that Janet’s going to need to start harvesting her organs before long.

Why? Because that bout of the sniffles that wrecked Janet Jackson’s SNL appearance in March has escalated into a full-blown mystery illness that has disappointed literally dozens of Canadian Janet Jackson fans. Well, disappointed is a strong word. And so is dozens, for that matter.

Anyway, the point is that Janet Jackson suddenly got ill right before a concert last night and had to cancel the show. BBC News reports:

The 42-year-old had to cancel her Montreal show after she “got suddenly ill” during her sound check, her publicists said. Jackson was being monitored at an unnamed hospital but no further details of her condition have been released.

Are you getting this? Janet Jackson is ill with a disease that’s a secret in a hospital that’s unknown in a country that nobody cares about. Don’t any of you say we never give you the facts.

For the time being, Janet Jackson hopes to reschedule her cancelled concert – leading us to believe that she’s either not that seriously ill at all or that she plans to surprise the population of Montreal in the future with a number of sexy dance routines performed inside an iron lung attached to a stationary bleeping piece of hospital equipment.

Hopefully it’ll be the first one, otherwise we’re going to look a right bunch of dicks.

The name Jackson has shifted meanings quite dramatically over the last few decades.

In the seventies you’d know the Jacksons as that annoying bunch of kids whose songs were more infectious then the Ebola virus, while the eighties and early nineties saw Michael Jackson pull away and gain success on his own.

Sadly MJ knackered things up towards the end of the nineties with “botched surgery” plaguing the Jackson name. Then at the turn of the millennium, things got worse as the tags “dodgy alleged child molester”, “rubber masked mo’ fo’” and “strange reality show contestant” were thrown around.

Whilst all the male members of the Jackson family were being beaten daily by their father to perform like dancing bears, poor Janet Jackson didn’t get a look in, with only Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Michael and Randy involved in the Jackson 5 set-up.

Sadly, she’d have to go alone at it, using her surname like the unfamous sibling of a celebrity does. Yes she released some songs, but they weren’t “omg wow amazing,” though getting her tit out at the Super Bowl XXXVIII show in February 2004 did help.

Employed to entertain a rabble of drunken Americans whilst they waited for a poor man’s rugby game to kick off again, Janet was joined by her mate Justin Timberlake. The song itself was doing little to entertain anyone watching, but the real fun didn’t kick in until the end when Timberlake messed around with Janet’s costume. Tearing open her top, he exposed her right breast. Dubbing it as a “wardrobe malfunction,” the two were in for a right telling off. It made Bubbles the monkey cry for God’s sake!

Because Americans are scared of seeing another human naked, the CBS network was fined $550,000 and forced to show all future Super Bowl events on a delay. You know, just incase Paul McCartney whips down his trousers and makes a daisy chain out of his pubes if he was ever asked to play at halftime.

Because Janet is running out of fresh, innovative ideas, she has had to resort to past glories like these for a money spinning opportunity. Her lingerie line Pleasure Principle – named after a song that no-one really knows about from 1987 – apparently aims to make women feel feminine and sexy. At least she’s not set out to make ladies look hairy, butch and transgender. Janet said:

“People have come to me with other ideas, but lingerie is a passion for me, and just like music and acting, I can’t do it unless I put 100% into it.”

It remains to be seen if there will be a super special bra which will have a unusual pad for you to rip off in order to get that Super Bowl feeling. Failing that, we’re sure that a life size cardboard cut out of Justin Timberlake complete with strange, shocked reaction-face will be provided so you can recreate the moment in your front room.

With Janet Jackson’s bra and knickers to be set rolling out of sweatshops imminently, we hope that Michael Jackson will bring out his own brand of face scarves to cover up any individual’s face. Failing that, at least a Dummies Guide To Avoiding Kiddy Fiddling Charges. Gary Glitter would have bought a copy three years ago.

Janet Jackson's job basically involves muttering about how sexy she is to nobody in particular in a vaguely constipated way, which must get boring.

So thank heavens that Janet Jackson has finally got broody – she wants a baby so badly that it's all she can do not to dress up as a nurse and snatch one from a maternity ward somewhere.

That's according to Janet's boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, anyway. He says that Janet is so desperate for babies that they're going to try for one the instant she finishes her upcoming tour. But why wait? if Janet Jackson wants a baby that badly she should throw caution to the wind and just cancel her shows. The fans won't mind – if they're Janet Jackson fans they'll have grown used to the crushing feeling of disappointment anyway.

We can't help but wonder what Janet Jackson would be like as a mother. On the one hand we can totally see the plus sides – she's already developed an offensively efficient breastfeeding technique – but we can't help feeling that she'd probably pass you off to relatives and then deny you were ever born the moment she gave birth to you. It's a tricky one. 

But we might just about be ready to find out. According to her boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, Janet Jackson is furiously intent on having a baby as soon as possible.

And since Jermaine Dupri loves Janet Jackson so much that he took the blame when one of her last albums fared traditionally dismally, he's decided to bite the bullet and help her out. MTV reports:

Janet admitted earlier this year that she was itching to have children… Dupri already has a daughter and explained that he’s not concerned whether he has a boy or a girl with Janet "It really doesn't matter. Janet would be a great mum. She was around so many brothers and sisters all her life, so she's got to know what that is (like)”.

Yes, that's right. That's exactly right. Janet Jackson will be a good mother because she knows what it's like to be part of a large, perfectly normal family that wasn't pushed into showbusiness by an brutal taskmaster of a father or grew up to become, variously, a spooky cross-dressing recluse surrounded by allegations of child abuse, a man who tried writing a book about how much of a paedophile his brother was, a Playboy model and a grown man named Tito. That Mother Of The Year award's as good as hers already.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here – Janet Jackson's actually got to have the baby first. And that might be a bit tricky. Not because of all the risks inherent in becoming pregnant at 42, you understand, but because we're not sure if she knows how it works. 

After all, Janet Jackson's technique to get people to think she's sexy is to just explicitly say the word 'sexy' over and over again in her songs, so there's a pretty good chance that she thinks people get pregnant just by repeating the word 'baby' in a mumbly cod-erotic way a bunch of times.

We’re still waiting for the Discovery Channel to take up our idea for a show called When Tits Go Bad, you know.

That won’t happen any time soon – not when they could broadcast 158 episodes of How It’s Made back-to-back instead – so in the meantime we’ve found this wonderful collection of celebrity cleavage mishaps to tide us over.

It’s pretty much a joy to look at. All the usual suspects are there – Judy Finnigan‘s bra exposing itself at an awards show, Janet Jackson‘s Super Bowl malfunction – plus hot new upstarts like JK Rowling getting her boob groped by a balding older gentleman and a picture of Sean Maguire gawping at Michelle Ryan‘s chest like a hungry baby that we’re certain will haunt us for weeks.

Take a look at the celebrity cleavage mishaps – and if you can think of a better one that hasn’t been included, you can sign in and upload them yourself. A lollipop to the first person who uploads the picture of Diddy trying to slyly glance at Jessica Biel‘s knockers in front of the entire world’s media.

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Celebrity Cleavage Mishaps - OSOYOU