Remember Britney Spears bending over whilst sporting nothing but a short nightie, showing her meat to a security guard? Remember? She also sent him naked pictures of herself? Honestly. A security guard who worked for her said it, so it must be true.

That’s because, as Kevin Costner showed us, security guards are just about the only people you can really trust on this awful planet.

Britney’s old guard is so trustworthy that he’s been telling us all about Dirty Spears. She’s a bad apple. She pestered him for sex when he was just trying to do an honest day’s work. And there she was, flashing her stinking undercarriage at him and reeking like an ashtray. You think we’re making this up? Read on for the undeniable proof.

See, this man, who it is fair to say we can trust implicitly, has spoken about Britney more.

New court papers filed by Fernando Flores claim that Britney has poor personal hygiene as well as repeatedly hitting on him. The poor thing.

He stated:

“The sexual advances were unwanted for a variety of reasons. Spears had obnoxious habits, such as chain-smoking – making her smell continually of stale tobacco.

“She broke wind or picked her nose unselfconsciously and unapologetically and she was constantly and gratuitously loud and profane. She did not bathe for days, did not use deodorant, did not brush her teeth, did not fix her hair, did not wear shoes or socks.”

The filthy git! Although, in fairness, this could be a description of just about any of you readers.

And while Flores, who is seeking £6m in damages, may well be utterly trustworthy, it does seem like he’s the wettest security guard in the universe.

If he’s ‘suffered from depression, insomnia and anxiety whilst working for the singer’, mainly because of some nasty teeth, the odd bogey and fart, then what is he going to do when faced with a mad gunman?

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the battle we’ve all been waiting for! BO versus cowardice!

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You may think of Britney Spears as some kind of pop-star who made a handful of decent records (backed by astonishing, saccharine dross), but really, she’s a wedding machine. She’s in danger of being remembered like Liz Taylor – Mad as a hatter and a loft filled with wedding dresses.

That’s right! Ol’ Britters is getting married again, meaning that she possibly doesn’t take the whole wedding vows thing seriously at all (which should be applauded really – what a stupid, stupid institution marriage is) or, she really can’t get enough of the marzipan in wedding cake (it just doesn’t taste right on its own, obviously).

So now we approach wedding number three (and of course, imminent divorce number three), we can coo about her plans and try and figure out who it is she’s actually going with at the moment because we don’t recall anyone being mentioned outside of lawsuits and sexual harassment cases.

The last husband Spears had was the now very fat Kevin Federline who she had two children with called Sean Preston and Jayden James with.

However, that all went wrong and will be forever remembered by That Video which showcased a Britney quite clearly out of her box where she burped her way through a garbled missive about the possibility of time-travel and such…

…or alternatively, she was putting it on and the ‘leaked’ video did exactly what it was supposed to do and get Spears a lot of attention, cost-free.

Anyway, Britney is now engaged to someone called Jason Trawick who proposed to the singer by writing the pop star a romantic poem.

After filling the ground floor of the couple’s mansion with roses and candles, Jason reportedly presented Britney with a flower-shaped diamond ring, and said:

“There once was a singer called Spears

Who dances like a newborn steer

She showed her holes

To security proles

But I’d still like to marry you, dear”

So thrilled was Britney that she said yes, probably cried, then asked her family if she was allowed to get married because no-one trusts her to look after herself anymore, and promptly went about asking Jason to impregnate her as soon as possible.

A source says:

‘Britney is desperate to settle down again and have more children. But she is very traditional and didn’t want to start a family with Jason until they’d tie the knot.’

We can only hope that, for the sake of our collective amusement, this wedding lasts about as long as Britney’s first marriage to childhood friend Jason Alexander, which lasted an impressive 55 hours after a Vegas ceremony in 2004.

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Britney Spears has been called a lot of things in her time. Oh yes, insults ranging from ‘tuneless’ and ‘ fruiter’ to ‘baldy’ have been hurled in her direction over the years and no-one really cared to set the record straight as they were all probably pretty spot on.

However, one recent slur, cruelly branding Britney a ‘corporate puppet’ has outraged songwriter Savan Kotecha so much he opened his mouth and said something which sounded exactly like this:

“No.  I think these big artists don’t get where they are unless them and their team are running the show. Simple as that”. Is it? IS IT???

We don’t think so and to be honest we don’t trust anyone who’s written hits for Geri Halliwell and Westlife that didn’t include subliminal messages to make them mysteriously vanish off the face of the earth.

An insider from, presumably, ‘the inside’ said:

“From what I saw, she does nothing more than lend her name as celebrity to the production.  That’s all she seems either willing or able to contribute…Britney’s job is basically to follow other people’s instructions.”

“When Britney gets home, she does not appear to have much interest in music. The whole time I was with her, she would spend most of her free time doing nothing but watching  TV and smoking cigarettes. “

So she’d fit in tremendously well at the hecklerspray bedsit then.

We’re positive that anyone made from Uncle Walt’s  jam at a Disney factory, then ‘convinced’ to dance around as a schoolgirl in front of millions of one handed viewers, before kissing Madonna, shaving her head and going effing mental with a baseball bat is completely in control of their own destiny.

Probably.

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Britney Spears is a prisoner in her own home. Haven’t you heard? The enormous mansions she owns in California and Louisiana are basically ‘prisons’. Really large prisons where the chairs still have padding.

While we go and pick the neighbourhood locks in hopes of being thrown into A Britney Spears Prison of Awesome, you may like to know the latest on the singer. She’s being controlled by the people around her, according to the latest reports out of America.

She’s watched, monitored, followed, and still has to ask to spend her own money. Her calls are screened and she probably has to ask before she wees too. In Touch Magazine in the U.S. alleges that Britney is under a literal lock-down. She has to ask before spending time with other adults. And she basically interacts with no one outside her team.

The magazine alleges that conditions for Britney have worsened, since the 2006 meltdown where she spent the year alternating between coffee breaks and squatting for excitable paparazzi (yes, that pretty much happened).

The singer is under conservatorship, with little-to-no chance of it being lifted in the near future. In fact, it’s alleged she’s un-insurable without being under the thumb of her management – the same team working her until she’s dead behind the eyes and lethargically wheezing around stage.

Because it’s more important to milk the cash cow than give it a tea break, Britney’s going to be asking her father for pocket money right into her 40s at this rate.

InTouch Weekly print edition reports (via Celebitchy)

Three years after the meltdown that landed her in a mental health facility, Britney lives like a prisoner in her own home, with virtually every aspect of her life under the control of her father/conservator, Jamie Spears.

“She isn’t allowed to have a cell phone, and she’s not allowed to take incoming calls to her home unless security screens them first,” reveals an insider. “If she wants to make outgoing calls, security has to dial the numbers for her. She still has an allowance, and if she wants extra cash, she must submit a formal request…

Allowed contact with few people other than Jamie, her sons Jayden, 4, and Sean, 5, and her boyfriend, talent agent Jason Trawick – with whom she frequently fights – the onetime party girl is “incredibly lonely,” says the insider.

She has no privacy and yet at the same time, she has no time to herself. “Most people don’t know this, but Britney has a sober companion who is with her constantly, whenever Jason isn’t,” shares another close source. “The companion follows her everywhere she goes – even to the bathroom in restaurants or other public places – to ensure there’s no way anyone can slip her drugs.”

We’re done picking those locks, but the police are nowhere to be found. Slackers. While we pinch sweets from the local Tesco, would someone mind dialing 999 so we can bloody get thrown in one of these giant, luxury prisons already?

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

Rihanna is no longer a mere popstar. By design, she’s become pop-culture’s newest Bettie Page. By flirting with a sado-mas0chistic image and talking about spanking all the time, she’s become the poster girl for those too shy to actually ever try it out in the bedroom themselves.

As such, this has seen spectacular idiots equating consensual slap and tickle with its safe words and boundaries to Chris Brown being dead-on for banjoing her in the face with his incredibly bony knuckles.

But let us not think about Chris Brown and his long, thin member. Instead, fill your mind with the thought of Rihanna spanking Britney Spears’ wobbly posterior.

Of course, whenever a popstar saying something vaguely sexual, there’s a section of people who can barely contain their glee at the notion, adding 2+2 and getting They Are Definitely Going To Do The Sexy Thing They Talked About.

However, the wise-money is on the fact that, when a popstar alludes to saucy activities, it is actually more akin to the girl in the schoolyard who uses her looks to wrap people round their little fingers, hinting at untold filth while getting everyone to scurry around them and pander to their every whim.

We should know. We’ve pander to dead-eyed people’s whims and got nowhere, apart from an endless pool of tar-coloured resentment which we can summon at a moment’s notice.

Anyway, where has all this talk of spanking come from? Well, Rihanna asked Britney to collaborate with her, expecting her to say no.

“It’s very strange. Britney never does features. It was really amazing that she really wanted to be part of this song.

“She really liked the song to begin with, but it was a different story when she had to sing it, and she really wanted to be a part of it. It made it really, really special, because you never see two pop female artists doing songs together anymore.”

So far, so not particularly interesting. The thing is, this new version of S&M will need a video and RiRi really wants to shoot a sexual promotional vid for it with Spears. She added:

“I want to spank Britney.”

In fairness, Britney has the look of a haunted shed at the moment, so she might just agree to anything Rihanna says. We suggests that she goes further and makes the most explicit video ever made, just for the craic.

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The world today is filled with Britney Spears fans who are very pleased with themselves. They’ve finished watching her ‘Till the World Ends’ video for the hundredth time and have finally tucked away their genitals, thrilled that Britney hasn’t let them down. Now it is time for them to scour the internet to pick a fight.

That’s because Britney’s fans are as devoted/mental as Michael Jackson fans and the vaguest hint of criticism sees them leaping to their feet and shouting angrily at the sky, unable to compute why anyone would say bad things about their idol.

So they’ll be made-up that there are allegations floating around, saying that Spears didn’t do the dance in the latest promotional video and that, it was actually undertaken by a stunt double called Tiana Brown who doesn’t move around like an aged canine waiting for God to take them and end this awful pain of ‘moving around a bit’.

Pictures have been shared online which shows someone in Britney’s outfit, busting moves and conveniently seeing their hair whipped across their face so no-one can see who it really is.

These shots certainly suggest that the woman doing the routine is not Britney. There’s no word from Camp Britney yet, and there isn’t likely to be either.

Of course, it makes sense to get someone else to do her routines for her because lately, Spears has looked about as agile as a horse trying to balance atop some step ladders. Still, at least she’s really good at product placement, eh?

Critics have also slated Britney for her “lazy” routines when performing her songs and Billboard’s Keith Caulfield said of her woeful routines:

“You expect her to dance ferociously. Because one can say, well you’re lip syncing and when you’re lip syncing, we expect you to dance.”

Quite. Britney’s crown is clearly slipping.

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While Britney Spears’ image has taken a hammering over the years, at least she’s still been able to knock out some half decent pop records right? And her next one, ‘Till The World Ends’ looks destined to be a dancefloor winner.

However, we’ve got a video to endure before then, which means we’ll have to watch her awkwardly stumble around like she’s punchdrunk amongst arm-snapping, hip-popping dancers who only serve to make Britney look like she’s suffering from Parkinson’s.

The poor love. And there’s a 30 second teaser of her new track which is all dystopian and that, like she’s been watching Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation’ video.

Right on cue, grotty looking future plebs gyrate amongst dingy crap while Britney coos her little baps off in a tune that looks to challenge Kelis’ ‘Acapella’ for Most Immediately Gratifying Dance Pop Record Of The Last 10 Years.

This will be the second single from her new album Femme Fatale, which again, is being hyped up as a ‘comeback’.

The 30-second teaser comes ahead of the world premiere of the video tomorrow.

Sadly, this song, despite being rather good, was written for Britney by Kesha, which means that simply by being, we’re reminded of one of the most irritatingly pop stars in history.

Anyway, enough chat. Here’s the teaser.

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There’s no hiding from the fact that Britney Spears has made some of the most infectious pop records of the past 20 years, but crumbs and crikey, she’s looking a bit glassy eyed and lost at the moment.

If it wasn’t for the will to slice up and fast edit her videos, we’d see her dancing around like an aged pony padding around a field, listlessly chewing a farmer’s trousers leg before slumping to its knees and simply expiring through malaise.

Not surprising really as Spears has been in the press more frequently for her alleged antics away from the microphone, this time, over perfume. Is it scalding people and making their skin fall off?

Before you start ordering Britney’s perfume as a crude weapon to use against your enemies, take a moment. Sadly, her perfume range isn’t dangerous in any way, rather, this is a tale of fraud and deception!

The singer has just had a lawsuit volleyed at her by the company that helped her to secure a perfume deal with Elizabeth Arden. They’re called Brand Sense Partners and we’ve never heard of them either.

Maybe they’re pals with Spears bodyguard who keeps claiming that Britney keeps sending him pictures of her raw, shaven toot and spreading her legs for him so widely that he can see what she’s had for her dinner?

Anyway, the lawsuit was filed in LA and it is claimed that the marketing company was robbed of 35% of its commission from “any and all products” the singer worked on with Elizabeth Arden, which just happens to include her Radiance fragrance.

Apparently, it smells like TCP that’s been stirred with a sausage.

Rather thrillingly, the suit accuses Britney of “concealment and evasive actions” and that “Britney secretly made a separate deal with Elizabeth Arden in a sneaky underhanded effort to circumvent and evade its obligations to Brand Sense. Effectively, Britney improperly and illegally cut Brand Sense out of the Elizabeth Arden deal.”

That’s almost like spy talk!

It seems Team Spears didn’t want to pay the commission and are now looking at coughing up in excess of $10 million in addition to compensatory and punitive damages.

Lovely.

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If there’s one thing this nation needs more of, its smug gits in business attire spunking away money that isn’t theirs whilst being rewarded with lavish amounts of champagne and opportunities to stab those who have irked them squarely between the shoulders.

Yes, that’s right, it’s week 9 of The Apprentice!

This week everyone’s favourite job applicants have the task of buying 10 rare items with a budget of £1500. Whoever spent the least won the task. Simples. There were obviously fines for failing to procure all the items or for not turning up to the boardroom on time, just in case anyone fancied playing fast and loose with the rules.

Sir Alan/Lord Sugar/The A-Train also decided to return to a boys versus girls format, so be prepared for lots of bitching and over the top macho posturing! HOORAY!

Synergy hit the ground running, project manager and world smirking champion Jamie took off on his own, leaving Chris, “all the personality of an investment banker,” Bates and Stuart, “Iceland own-brand,” Baggs to duke it out for the title of Britain’s dullest man.

Apollo, meanwhile, took the time to call ahead, finding out what their products were and where they could find them. When they finally did hit the road, they were able to get straight to their suppliers and bagged all 10 of their items with relative ease.

The only exception was Liz and Joanna’s late return to the boardroom, which was caused by them trying to haggle with a man who moved so slowly that, upon reflection, he may have actually been dead.

Apollo’s organisation and efficiency looked like a solid plan, which naturally meant they would go on to lose the task to Synergy, with their plan of randomly walking up and down streets in central London the vain hope that they just happen upon one of the items on their list, despite the fact they often had no idea what they were looking for.

Another key component of Synergy’s plan seemed to be the acting ability of Chris. Jamie asked his team to have a story ready to sell to suppliers that would allow them to get the best price and boy did Chris take this advice on board. Our lovable investment banker started making up bizarre stories about how he’d left items in Nottingham, or was going to a wedding in Scotland with his Nan whilst also bleating about how he had no money left.

There were only 2 problems with these stories. Firstly, none of them made any sense. Secondly, Chris was a sharply dressed man, accompanied by another sharply dressed man AND A CAMERA CREW. There was no way anyone was actually buying these stories, they just wanted to get him and his lively, investment-banker personality out of their shops before he made their heads explode with his ridiculous monotone lies.

When we got to the boardroom it was announced that the boys, despite failing to get all 10 items, had won the task. Which shocked Jamie so much he actually continued to apologise for his performance despite winning. Cue VT that sees the boys spend the weekend in Paris, frolicking in parks whilst wearing berets, oversized sunglasses and turtle neck sweaters.  It made you want to reach through the TV and throttle them until the twitching stopped.

That’s right, the boys got rewarded for their failure. The Apprentice has now officially become a bizarre hybrid parody of the banking sector.

The girls, looking like a bizarre corporate girl-band, tried to ditch Stella faster than Girls Aloud tried to ditch the Ginger one by subtly editing her out of their videos. But eventually it was 22 year old rah and professional glass ceiling dropper, Laura, that bit the bullet.

Let this be a lesson to you, if all you’re really good for is looking a bit like a horse and crying a lot, then an angry old man probably won’t hire you to be his assistant. Unless he’s a pervert.

BEST MOMENT: Tie between the surprise on everyone’s face when Synergy won and the audible groan when both Stella and Liz walked back in to the house.

WORST MOMENT: Liz trying to grab a pen out of an old man’s hand because he was taking too long to write a receipt. Classy.

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Britney Spears has it all – like a number one single and a body that doesn’t look like the product of a lifetime devotion to maize snacks.

Except she doesn’t. Britney Spears doesn’t have it all at all – to be more accurate, Britney Spears’ dad has it all. As her conservator, Jamie Spears gets to control all of Britney’s assets until she’s properly recovered from her numerous psychiatric problems. And, thanks to a court hearing yesterday, we know exactly when that date will come.

Never. Britney Spears is never going to be well enough to look after herself, because Jamie Spears has just had his conservatorship extended indefinitely. He’ll only lose control of Britney Spears’ assets when Britney herself requests it to be lifted. But, since filing a legal request requires more than repeating the word ‘womanizer’ 40 times in a row like a nightmarish robot chant, we wouldn’t hold our breath for that to happen any time soon.

Controlling Britney Spears’ affairs can’t be all that difficult, can it? All you need to do is keep her away from hair-trimming equipment, force her to take her clothes off in music videos and every now and again release a perfume with an arbitrarily-chosen adjective as its name like Britney Spears: Involved or Britney Spears: Isauxetic and – bingo – you’re away.

And that’s why we’re secretly jealous of Jamie Spears, because that’s exactly what he gets to do all day. Ever since she spent that time in that mental hospital earlier this year – after going a bit berserk, locking her children in a bathroom and screaming about death – Jamie Spears has been Britney’s conservator, which means he got to control all her stuff while paying himself a fancy wage for the trouble.

When the agreement was made, most observers assumed that it would only be a temporary situation – before long Britney Spears would be back on her feet with a full head of hair and a number one album – and that’s happened. Partly.

Yes, Britney Spears has a proper haircut again now, and Womanizer got to number one – but as far as being able to look after her own life goes, Britney’s such a hopeless mess that a judge has decided to grant Jamie Spears permanent conservatorship, as Reuters reports:

The father of Britney Spears will retain control over the once-troubled singer’s personal and business affairs for an indefinite period, a Los Angeles judge ruled on Tuesday… “The conservatorship is necessary and appropriate for the complexity of financial and business entities and her being susceptible to undue influence,” said the judge, Reva Goetz.

Actually, when it’s put like that, maybe Jamie Spears controlling Britney’s assets is a good idea after all. This way, the complications of juggling various business interests can be taken out of Britney’s hands, allowing her to concentrate on what she does best – staggering round car parks in a pink wig babbling made up words to hordes of paparazzi in a ropey British accent. No, singing. We meant singing.

After all, if Britney Spears really is susceptible to undue influence, then this is definitely for the best. And if you’re reading this, Britney, we wish you a speedy recovery. And also, we have a number of wonderful investment opportunities for you in the magic bean market. We’ll make you rich. Call us.

Another day, another wonderful look into the personal life of a fame casualty.

Well, we say ‘a’, we should really say ‘the’ fame casualty. Yes folks, it’s Britney Watch day 35,598 – what’s going to happen?! Not much really, but still – the conservatorship that has been in place since February of this year has been extended for another five months.

Meaning what, exactly? Well, that daddy gets to tell little Miss Spears what to do, how to do it and how to spend her money until the end of the year, as well as being in control of, well – everything.

And we bet he’s loving every second of it.

But it’s not all bad for the former pop queen of the universe who is now head-mental, as these orders aren’t set in stone and can be rescinded at any given time. We’re willing to bet the orders stay just as they are, seeing as the person likely to be contesting them the most will be the woman who claimed she was the devil, married Kevin Federline and then got her kids took off her (there’s no point in linking to all those stories again again again, so let’s go wiiiiith… this one).

She just doesn’t have much of a good case, frankly.

At least we can rest easy in hecklerspray towers knowing that James Spears – papa – isn’t too much of a controlling, fame-hungry cretin hell bent on making his kid live out his missed opportunities vicariously. We hope. Good crikey we hope.

Britney should see this in a positive light though – sure, she has no real control over her own life, has a succession of failed relationships, isn’t allowed to look after her own kids and has had a mental breakdown in front of the whole world.

But which 26-year-old wouldn’t want to go home and sit around doing nothing for a year, being looked after by their parents and not having to lift a finger? Which is effectively what has happened here, let’s not split hairs.

In fact, screw all the sympathetic press Britney’s been getting – she’s bloody lucky to be in this situation. We bet she never runs out of bog roll and there’s always food in the cupboards. Plus if someone she doesn’t want to talk to comes round she can just send her dad to tell them to piss off, instead of having to politely put up with them for a couple of hours, as you do when living in your own place.

Plus there’s no worries about bills, TV licensing, dodgy landlords and the like.

Britney Spears really is the luckiest person in the world right now.

Maybe when she gets this legal freedom back – possibly later this year, though likely the beginning of next year – she’ll opt to stay at home, eventually becoming one of those complete embarrassments to pops, living in the basement, eating nothing but pasta and trawling the internets all day long.

Yes: she’ll become a hecklerspray writer. The irony would be too delicious to handle.

You know when you fill out a job application and you have to answer questions like: 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?'; 'Would you be willing to submit to random drug testing?'; and 'Would you be willing to feign attraction to a volatile, squeaky-voiced woman with three remaining limbs who will likely take her drawers off to get you not to eat meat?'

No one ever thinks that last one is for real, so the answer is always ‘yes’. But, a poor hotel worker man has to look that question square in the face now that he is dating Heather Mills, and she’s rather delighted about it all.

Yay! It’s a rare night when we aren’t tossing in turmoil over Heather Mills’ happiness.

Heather Mills isn’t just an activist for defenseless edible creatures, or a former model especially popular with the seeing-impaired demographic, but she’s also, of course, Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, who was awarded a paltry £24 million in the divorce.

She’s also a woman that screeches like a banshee when she gets upset, but that doesn’t mean she’s not looking for love.

So, we submit to you, the impartial jury, what man would not want to get with that? What man? Every single man anywhere ever, actually, except for this one guy, Jamie Walker.

No, you don’t know him, and neither do we. The only reason you should care is that six months from now when you hear about a new reality show coming out featuring Heather McCartney and her man-accessory picking our dressy prosthetic legs for a forthcoming charity auction, you’ll have a vague recollection of him, and it will bring you fond memories of us, as well as save you an internet search.

Anyway, Heather dug him up at the Tenerife Hotel she was staying at with her unfortunately-named daughter, Beatrice. This Jamie character is pretty much the exact opposite of Paul McCartney. He’s 36 years old, brawny, muscular, hasn’t been a member of The Beatles, and reportedly doesn’t have two coins to rub together between shifts handing out towels to rich divorcees at the pool.

It appears Heather isn’t put off by his lack of fortune, though. She knows what’s really important: his rockin’ bod. A so-called “friend” of Heather’s had this to say:

“Heather is completely infatuated with Jamie. He is a gym junkie and Heather has been boasting his body is so much fitter than Paul's.”

In other news, this year’s Master of the Obvious award goes to Heather Mills for her poignant observations between the physique of her 66-year-old ex, and her current 36-year-old hunk of man candy. We will re-broadcast her acceptance speech once we have slowed it down and lowered the pitch so that dogs aren’t the only ones who can hear it.