And how much is that worth? What? You think that Jamie Spears should be doing that for free because, as one of the parents who pushed Britney Spears into showbusiness at the expense of a normal childhood, he’s directly responsible for her recent psychiatric problems?

Don’t be daft. Jamie Spears thinks that looking after Britney Spears is worth $16,000 a month – or $75 an hour. Wow, what we’d give for a mentally ill millionaire daughter! Jamie sure is one lucky guy!

We have to admit that Jamie Spears has really turned Britney Spears around this year. Back in January Britney Spears was being sectioned out of concern for the wellbeing of her children, and her songs were all snarling chunks of rebellion aimed in part at her family. But since Jamie Spears became Britney’s conservator, everything’s been hunky dory. Britney Spears is number one again, and all her songs go “MMM papi LOVE you! MMM papi LOVE you!”

Granted, Britney Spears does give off all the signs of being little more than a performing monkey now – and she keeps bursting into tears on camera because she hates her life under her father so much – but at least she’s earning money again. And when Britney earns money, everyone earns money. Especially Jamie Spears.

Although Jamie Spears had previously given himself a $10,000 monthly wage to control Britney Spears’ assets back in March, he’s since decided that he can’t live on a paltry sum like that and has gone to court to get a 60% payrise. And backpay. And an extra $1,200 a month to give himself a swanky office. AP reports:

For helping his daughter through her turbulent period, Jamie Spears on Monday was awarded an additional $51,000 payout. Jamie Spears had been receiving $10,000 a month for his work, but Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz increased that amount to approximately $16,000 per month and agreed to give him backpay.

That’s not too bad at all – $192,000 a year for basically keeping Britney Spears away from the adult scissors. Hey, Britney – if you’re reading this, we’ll do it for $190,000. Plus you’d be allowed to have sex with as many undesirable members of the paparazzi as you like. And you could have the car at weekends. And, just for old time’s sake, we’ll even provide you with one designer dress a month to absent-mindedly smear dogmuck over. Whaddaya say?

Oh, don’t worry about your dad, he’ll be OK for money. Seriously, if he can pull $16,000 a month for looking after your stuff, imagine how loaded he’ll be once he’s convinced a court that he can stop Jamie Lynn from getting any more pregnant liposuction.

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Now we're not saying Jamie Spears' parenting skills are anything like our own – but right now he's getting paid to be Brit-Brit's Daddy. In cash. Because the courts demanded it.

Justice is sweet. 

hecklerspray has always loved Britney Spears. All we've ever wanted is to see her safe and sound resting securely until mental stability is a state she's once again accustomed to. We're filing adoption papers so we can steward over her with the court's blessing. And if said stewardship comes with a $2,500 weekly bonus, well, that's not why we're doing it. Now pardon us while we thumb through the new-car section of our phone book.

Jamie Spears, the man who always names all of his pregnant children after himself, is getting paid $2,500 per week to control Britney's life for the next few months. It's a sweet gig for which his resume was submitted vaginally just over two and a half decades ago. People magazine has the details:

"When his temporary co-conservatorship over his daughter Britney Spears was extended until July 31, Jamie Spears was also granted new powers, court documents from yesterday's hearing show. In addition to a $58,800 payment to the conservatorship for attorney fees and other costs, Jamie was given weekly payments of $2,500 and the authority to tap his daughter's funds to lease a car for her security team."

Now if Spears senior starts getting out of limos with his southern lady parts hanging out, and if he shaves his head, and if he suddenly gives birth to Sean and Jayden, we'll know it was the money what did it.

It's always the money what did it.

Read More:

Spears Father Retains Star's Assets – The Press Association

You see, there's been a fight between Britney Spears' dad Jamie and a lawyer working for a mystery client about – we think – whether or not Jamie keeps Britney Spears locked in abandoned monkey cage to stop her getting into trouble. And the lawyer had been trying to move Jamie Spears' conservatorship to a federal court to sort it out.

But it's OK, because a judge has denied the move. And that's important news because it, um, has something to do with Britney Spears. Vaguely.

Deep down, the whole world wants to be Britney Spears' conservator, but they're all just too scared to admit it. All that money. All that power. All that stopping Britney Spears from weeing on her own. It's enough to send you crazy with power. So crazy that you end up in a psychiatric hospital. Possibly.

As you already know, Britney Spears' current conservator is her father. Jamie Spears has done a pretty good job of keeping Britney under tight control so far – he's sacked her manager and managed to halt the flow of 'look what a crazy old nutter Britney Spears is' stories. But some would say that Jamie is imposing his will on Britney Spears a little too much.

Back on Valentine's Day, lawyer Jon Eardley – ostensibly working on the behalf of Britney Spears, although nobody seems too sure who actually hired him – filed papers seeking to move the conservatorship case to a federal court. The exact details are far too long and boring to go into, but the jist of it is that Jamie Spears is said to have so much control over Britney Spears that it violates her civil rights. And also that, at night, Jamie Spears dresses Britney up as a Russian dancing bear and makes her jig along to accordion music while standing on a heated plate. Or something.

However, yesterday a judge decided to deny the federal move, as Reuters reports:

A federal judge has denied an attempt to move the conservatorship case over the affairs of troubled pop star Britney Spears to U.S. jurisdiction from a California court, documents showed on Wednesday. U.S. District Judge Philip Gutierrez ruled the claims "may not arise under federal law" and indicated that not all necessary supporting documents were submitted, according to court papers.

The judge gave Eardley until the end of the month to get his argument in order, but it doesn't look likely to go any further unless he reveals who hired him. At the moment, the frontrunner seems to be Britney's old manager Sam Lutfi, although it could really be anyone. 

Jamie Spears is thought to be against a move to a federal court, because it would mean temporarily giving up his conservatorship of Britney. And we're not so keen on the move, either, because it means there'll be even more Britney Spears news around than there already is. And who the hell wants that?

Read more:

Judge denies attempt to move Britney Spears case - Reuters 

Terrified that Britney Spears will either try to swim for freedom or end up gnawing on a turd like a squirrel with a nut if she's left alone in a bathroom for too long, Jamie Spears has reportedly made sure that bodyguards accompany her on every toilet trip.

It's not a job we'd care to do – standing around in a tiled room listening to the sound of Britney Spears groaning and straining for a shit – but if it's a toss-up between that or listening to Blackout again, we'd happily sign up for crapper duty.

Never let it be said that Britney Spears isn't educational. This year alone Britney Spears has taught us so much – like the correct way to barricade yourself topless into a bathroom with a child and convince everyone that you're about to kill yourself – but mainly we now know what it means to be Gravely Disabled.

That's how Britney Spears was medically classified during her stay in the psychiatric hospital earlier this month, and it means you can't be trusted to dress or feed yourself. But that's about it, because it seems as if you can be trusted to teach kids how to dance to Madonna songs. But you can't wee in a toilet by yourself. That's one hell of a complex sliding scale system and we're not even going to pretend to try and understand it.

Anyway, our point is that Britney Spears isn't allowed to go to the toilet without a small army of bodyguards following her around and making sure that she doesn't do anything stupid, like try and drink out of it like a cat or whisper secrets into it and only call it Jonathan. The New York Post reports on Britney's visit to an LA restaurant with her dad on Saturday:

The group sat at a table to eat, but Spears hardly touched her lobster burger, preferring butter-fried frites and Tater Tots. When she got restless, her bodyguards, stationed at several places throughout the eatery, jumped into action. "She continuously got up from the table to go to the bathroom or hang out at the bar and smoke a cigarette," our spy said. "Bodyguards followed her to the bathroom and bar." Another snitch who saw Spears leave noted, "She took a coffee cup from the restaurant with her."

Actually, it makes perfect sense for Jamie Spears to want to keep a close eye on Britney like this, because it's still early on in the recovery process for her and she's still highly unpredictable.

In fact, maybe Jamie Spears should go one step further and start hauling Britney around in an oversized animal-carrier. It sounds drastic, but it's not like Britney Spears would be cooped up in it for 24 hours a day. She'd be let out for exercise, albeit with an exploding collar around her neck that'd blow up the second she even started to talk in a weird British accent. But if a messy exploded skull is what it takes to get Britney Spears back to normal, that's what Jamie Spears should be prepared to do.

Read more:

Britney Watch – Page Six 

Well Jamie Spears does have control of everything that Britney Spears owns and, thanks to a recent court order, he gets to keep control of it all for another glorious month.

A judge has extended Jamie Spears' conservatorship of Britney Spears until at least March 10. And it's an undoubtedly good thing that Jamie Spears is still holding the purse strings – not just for Britney, who can continue recovering from her meltdown under the protective care of her family, but also for anyone who wants to see the dream of Jamie Spears' Sticky Cluckin' Fried Poultry Shack become a delicious reality.

For the most part, Jamie Spears is perhaps the most unassuming member of the Spears family. Unlike his wife Lynne Spears, Jamie didn't feel the need to write a book bragging about what an exceptional parent he is despite the world being littered with evidence to the contrary. Unlike his daughter Jamie-Lynn Spears, Jamie didn't get himself knocked up at 16 from a boy he met at church. And unlike Britney Spears, Jamie Spears has never had a picture of his naked mimsy published on the internet.

Add to this a tendency not to take naked pictures of Britney Spears with the intention of selling them or mash drugs into Britney's food, and it's probably a given that Jamie Spears is the best person to act as Britney Spears' conservator while she recovers from that stay in the psychiatric hospital.

With that in mind, it's good to hear that Jamie Spears has been given extended conservatorship over Britney until at least March 10, as E! Online reports:

After a brief hearing Thursday, Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz declined to make any changes to the conservatorship overseeing the "Gimme More" singer's affairs, effectively leaving father Jamie Spears in control at least until the next hearing, slated for Mar. 10. The elder Spears also sought—and was granted—permission to take over more aspects of Britney's finances, including her taxes. Also present in the courtroom was Ivan Taback, an attorney for Britney's 30-year-old brother, Bryan. Together they were named temporary cotrustees of Britney's SJB Trust, which is used to pay for her daily expenses and medical bills.

In court, it was claimed that Britney Spears still needed to undergo a psychiatric evaluation by the court, to assess whether or not she'll be allowed to take back control of her estate. If that hasn't been carried out by next month, then Jamie Spears' conservatorship may be extended further still.

And, as you'll have noticed, with every renewal of conservatorship Jamie Spears is granted a little more power. First he was given control of her estate, then he was given the go-ahead to fire Britney's manager and now he gets to take care of Britney's taxes as well. What'll happen if Jamie Spears is given further privileges next month? According to our calculations, it'll be something like this…

That's right, Jamie Spears will end up with a fancy candlestick on his head. Or something.

Read more:

Britney's Dad to Keep Pulling Strings – E! Online 

And, now he's also been granted the power to hire and fire as he pleases, it looks like Britney's business manager Howard Grossman is going to be the first neck on the chopping block.

We're not sure what Jamie Spears' other plans for Britney Spears are yet, but we've heard rumours that he'll soon be taking her place as a recording artist soon, too. In fact, an album of bubblegum pop entitled Hit Me One More Time (No Really, I Know I'm A Middle-Aged Man Dressed A Schoolgirl And I Know That Must Freak You Out, But What Say You Hit Me Anyway) is purportedly being mixed as we speak.

We're not going to count our chickens here, but it looks like someone's got the message. It's been a few day's since Britney Spears left her mental hospital, and in that time we've hardly heard any reports of Britney staggering around car parks babbling in a funny voice or crying on pavements or the like.

What we take that to mean is that Britney's father Jamie Spears is taking his role as her conservator very seriously and protecting her the best he can. And now Jamie Spears' powers have grown just a little bit more, because, as the New York Daily News reports, he's been granted the authority to sack Britney Spears' business manager Howard Grossman if he wants to. And something tells us he wants to:

A Los Angeles Court commissioner has given the troubled singer's father power to fire her business manager, Howard Grossman, documents released Friday said. Grossman was ordered to turn over "all documents, records and assets relating to Britney Spears" to Jamie Spears, who is the court-appointed conservator of his daughter and her estate. Grossman told People.com he knew about the closed-door hearing in the case Thursday but said he had no idea why Spears' father sought the right to fire him. "The only thing I will say is my reputation speaks for itself," Grossman told People. "I couldn't tell you why they chose this path."

So that's Britney Spears' business manager Howard Grossman sacked and Britney Spears' regular manager Sam Lutfi slapped with a restraining order for allegedly grinding up drugs and adding it to Britney's food. It'll be interesting to see what Jamie Spears' next act as conservator will be – he's running out of people to fire now, unless he starts turning his ferocious boardroom dismissal skills on one of Britney's little yappy dogs or he suddenly decides to demote Sean Preston from 'son' to 'second cousin' or something.

Of course, if this sounds familiar, it's because it is. First comes the power, then the enjoyment of power. Next we imagine that Jamie Spears will surround himself with sycophants, marry a redneck, give birth a couple of times, divorce him, shave his head, stop wearing underwear and end up in the padded psycho ward of the nearest hospital. We hear it's genetic, see.

Read more:

Britney Spears' dad to sack manager – NY Daily News 

Chance'd be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears' well-being to all of Britney Spears' stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she's banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney's estate and finances, plus he'll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don't make the rules.

As shocking as it is to hear that Britney Spears is so gravely disabled that doctors have decided to keep her locked up in a padded room for a fortnight, perhaps it's the best thing for her. It'll be the first fortnight for a year where the paparazzi hasn't shadowed her every move, she won't have to keep turning up to court only to be told that she can't see her children and her only responsibility is to cover her ears at night to block the tortured screams of the other psychiatric patients. Britney can just take it easy and claw back some of her life for her own.

Alternatively, Britney could oppose everything that she's asked to do and start a ludicrously bitter public legal feud with her own father for trying to take care of her estate while she's incapacitated. But, no, let's credit Britney Spears with some intelligence. Only an idiot would do something like tha… wait, that's exactly what Britney Spears has done, isn't it? Arses. E! Online reports:

Court Commissioner Reva Goetz tapped Jamie Spears and Andrew Wallett as interim guardians of the 26-year-old's welfare after deeming her incapable of caring for herself at this time… An attorney named Adam Streisand appeared before Goetz on Monday and claimed he was retained by Spears over the weekend. She "expressed to me her very strong desire" that her father not be named conservator of her estate, said Streisand. "There has been an estrangement for quite some time. With him as conservator, that is causing her more agitation and more distress."

However, since she's now legally Gravely Disabled and therefore can't even be trusted to feed or dress herself, Britney Spears was never going to get very far trying to make complicated legal appeals, allowing Jamie Spears to keep control of all things Britney until at least February 14.

And, really, we can't see what Britney's problem is – surely of all the people in the world, her own father will have less of an agenda than anyone else who wants to control her $40 million estate. Agreed, he might tinker with the decision-making process a little now he's in charge, but that's to be expected. And he might use some of Britney's money to fund his dream of becoming a gangsta rapper, but there's nothing wrong with that. And he might digitally alter all of Britney Spears' songs so it just sounds like she's yelping "I love you Daddy" over and over again in a creepy child's voice, but… oh you get the idea.

Read more:

Britney Unable to Fight Daddy Day Care – E! Online