Jamie Spears - HecklerSpray

Britney Spears’ Dad Gets More Money To Look After His Own Child

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As Britney Spears’ conservator, Jamie Spears spends most of his days saying “No Britney, don’t lick the plug socket,” and performing on-the-spot knicker checks.

And how much is that worth? What? You think that Jamie Spears should be doing that for free because, as one of the parents who pushed Britney Spears into showbusiness at the expense of a normal childhood, he’s directly responsible for her recent psychiatric problems?

Don’t be daft. Jamie Spears thinks that looking after Britney Spears is worth $16,000 a month – or $75 an hour. Wow, what we’d give for a mentally ill millionaire daughter! Jamie sure is one lucky guy!

Man Gets Paid Because Britney Spears Sprang From His Loins

March 31st, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Last time we counted our posterity was in 1996, at which time we had something like three sons and some girls we're told were genetically similar to us. It was a wonderful time – we played ball with the boys, we went to movies with the boys, and we lit sparklers every single night all summer long. With the boys.

Then in 2005 our daughters, whom we've always loved as if they were our own, got like $41,000 from a lawsuit stemming from a "foster home" incident. We were mortified to learn of their troubles, and want them to know we always stood by them even when they grew up in a different state. We also want them to know we like red ferraris and weekly cash gifts.

Now we're not saying Jamie Spears' parenting skills are anything like our own – but right now he's getting paid to be Brit-Brit's Daddy. In cash. Because the courts demanded it.

Justice is sweet.

Britney Spears: More Needlessly Complicated Legal Stuff

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears might not be medically qualified to feed or dress herself any more but boy, can she ever play largely inactive roles in elaborate legal proceedings surrounding her estate.

You see, there's been a fight between Britney Spears' dad Jamie and a lawyer working for a mystery client about – we think – whether or not Jamie keeps Britney Spears locked in abandoned monkey cage to stop her getting into trouble. And the lawyer had been trying to move Jamie Spears' conservatorship to a federal court to sort it out.

But it's OK, because a judge has denied the move. And that's important news because it, um, has something to do with Britney Spears. Vaguely.

Britney Spears Can’t Piddle In Private

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As her conservator, Jamie Spears is keeping Britney Spears on a short leash – so short that it just about stretches to the toilet if someone goes with her.

Terrified that Britney Spears will either try to swim for freedom or end up gnawing on a turd like a squirrel with a nut if she's left alone in a bathroom for too long, Jamie Spears has reportedly made sure that bodyguards accompany her on every toilet trip.

It's not a job we'd care to do – standing around in a tiled room listening to the sound of Britney Spears groaning and straining for a shit – but if it's a toss-up between that or listening to Blackout again, we'd happily sign up for crapper duty.

Jamie Spears: All Britney Spears’ Stuff Is Still Mine! MINE!

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Imagine if you had control of everything Britney Spears owns; the money, the houses, the underwea- wait, no, forget that last one.

Well Jamie Spears does have control of everything that Britney Spears owns and, thanks to a recent court order, he gets to keep control of it all for another glorious month.

A judge has extended Jamie Spears' conservatorship of Britney Spears until at least March 10. And it's an undoubtedly good thing that Jamie Spears is still holding the purse strings – not just for Britney, who can continue recovering from her meltdown under the protective care of her family, but also for anyone who wants to see the dream of Jamie Spears' Sticky Cluckin' Fried Poultry Shack become a delicious reality.

Britney Spears’ Dad To Sack Everyone, Twice

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that he's got the keys to the Britney Spears treasure chest, Jamie Spears can do whatever the hell he likes.

And, now he's also been granted the power to hire and fire as he pleases, it looks like Britney's business manager Howard Grossman is going to be the first neck on the chopping block.

We're not sure what Jamie Spears' other plans for Britney Spears are yet, but we've heard rumours that he'll soon be taking her place as a recording artist soon, too. In fact, an album of bubblegum pop entitled Hit Me One More Time (No Really, I Know I'm A Middle-Aged Man Dressed A Schoolgirl And I Know That Must Freak You Out, But What Say You Hit Me Anyway) is purportedly being mixed as we speak.

Britney Spears’ Dad Keeps The Keys To All Her Stuff

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We know. You thought that all this kerfuffle about Britney Spears would die down now that has to spend the next fortnight locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

Chance'd be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears' well-being to all of Britney Spears' stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she's banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney's estate and finances, plus he'll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don't make the rules.