We’re halfway up the Everest of semi-finals week, and ITV have kindly given us a little sniff from a tank of oxygen, in the form of a day with no show. Caution: metaphor-stretching ahead.
Since setting off from auditions basecamp, it’s been a steady slog up the north face of Britain’s Got Talent. The air’s getting thinner than Darth Jackson‘s address book, and colder than the series of pumps and switches that pass for Amanda Holden‘s heart.
But if you find yourself tiring, don’t worry: Susan Boyle will truss you up with climbing rope and hoist you over her hefty shoulders.
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Britain’s Got Talent on Saturday began to tell us which 40 acts were to perform again for the public vote.
And you’ll never guess which Oprah-loving, Obama-hating, probably metal bar-bending Sottish singer made it.
Give yourself ten points and a furtive crotch massage if you guessed Susan Boyle, she of The Voice, The Modesty and The Physical Characteristics Of A Balloon Rubbed On A Jumper Then Passed Over A Hairdresser’s Floor.
And Then Covered In Your Granny’s Christmas Wrapping Paper.
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Britain’s Got Talent fans, you’ve come to the right place. Well, maybe not the right place. You’ve come to a place.
Because all this week we’re running down the top five contestants who we think will win Britain’s Got Talent. Not literally running them down, you understand – as satisfying as that would be, it’d also be illegal – and now we’ve reached the performer who we think will take the silver medal.
So here’s our Britain’s Got Talent profile for Jamie Pugh…
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Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain’s Got Talent judges.
We’ve had Shaheen Jafargholi (‘OMG, what a cutey!’) and Susan Boyle (‘WTF, that’s a woman? You sure it’s not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?’). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain’s Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It’s another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and… er, Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy.
We should rephrase that.
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