Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Jamie Oliver, the Bono of cooking, has been keen to promote healthy eating and the like, for some time now. He wants you, humble reader, to put down that bag of M&Ms and start eating grapes that have been showered little more in butterfly tears and golden sun.
However.
If you notice that he looks like he’s been snaffling a kebab or ten, he may well call you a ‘bitch’. He will you know. And that, coming from the man who made the single worst piece of music in history. More on that later…
Punchdrunk or Lovesick?
Folded
Creased
At time of writing, hecklerspray is unable to confirm or deny that popstrel Lily Allen successfully made herself something to eat last night, but indications are not hopeful according to her twitter feed.
The ?voice of summer 2006? has last night thrown the public into turmoil.
Not by ?so closely resembling her Dad that you can't decide whether or not you could smash her without thinking of ?him? and laughing about that Tourettes doc he did which would, like, probably put her off and that?, but with an astonishing dining problem.
I was checking out Jamie Oliver?s Twitter page today and was staggered to find a recipe on there. I'd forgotten he was a chef.
Yes, before Jamie turned into Food Jesus, he was actually a bog standard telly cook: a tousle-headed, lisping Delia. His ?crusade? TV shows are a more recent phenomenon, but at least he's tended to stick to a cookery theme.
Until now.
According to some detective work by The Guardian, Food Jesus is planning to found a school ?with a difference? and is looking for 16 to 19-year-old students from the Greater London area who left school feeling unfulfilled.
In the left corner we have a man who promotes food, speaks a little bit funny, has the strong support of a close-knit family behind him and looks a bit of an idiot sometimes.
Jamie Oliver? Close – we are of course referring to every child?s favourite creepy clown, Ronald McDonald.
Poor Ronald McDonald has had to face a lot of criticism over the last few years. While no-one can deny that a child is left happier after eating one of his meals, it’s been alleged that it might be down to the gallons of junk flowing through their veins. So step in Jamie Oliver to declare war against foods that are supposedly bad for us. He obviously hasn't heard our motto as we believe the greasier something is, the tastier it gets. But in a strange turn of events, Jamie is now praising the practices of Ronald and his chums.
10 – Let’s end the week the way all weeks should be ended – with a horrific gallery of botched plastic surgery – Popcrunch
9 – You know what’d make Nicolas Cage‘s Wicker Man remake better? Beethoven – Collegehumor
8 – Rule number one about buying condoms: don’t buy them online. Rule number 2: don’t forget to pick up a copy of Halo 2 while you’re at it – Image
7 – Another day, another reason to wish we were Japanese – I Am Bored
Jamie Oliver is a passionate man. He wouldn’t say that himself, mind you – he prefers the term ‘passthszszthionurnk’ – but he is.
And right now, the subject that Jamie Oliver has decided to get most passionate of all about is British drinking culture. Jamie Oliver has told a French magazine that he’s dismayed at how British people would rather get hopelessly drunk than enjoy a delicious platter of painstakingly-prepared food.
No shit Sherlock. Have you ever tried throwing a chair through a pub window after eating a big roast dinner? You’d be lucky not to get a stitch. Jamie Oliver, you really are an enormous goon.
We're a bunch of inventors here at hecklerspray, you know.
It's just a goshdarn crying shame that the UK Patent Office has yet to realise our genius. Okay, okay… so we never actually tested that time machine made of potatoes. And, sure, that teleportation system that runs entirely on warthog urine is only hypothetical. But – seriously – give us a break, guys. Do you think medicines are tested out before they're released? Maybe on, like, animals or something? Yeah, right – give us a call when the spaceship lands, you nutters.
This whole invention malarkey is good for one thing, though – it's gone and given us another reason to hate omnipresent TV chef Jamie Oliver.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. Or a normal-sized man inexplicably born with a floppy tongue the size of a cow's, at least.
By which we mean Jamie Oliver. As you all probably know, Jamie Oliver's latest campaign has been to make a sort of middle-class poultry snuff film called Jamie's Fowl Dinners all about the horrific mistreatment of battery chickens, and part of that campaign has involved Jamie lashing out at Sainsbury's.
And then, um, realising that Sainsbury's pays him £1.2 million a year to wank about flogging mince pies, causing him to backtrack spectacularly in case he upset his bosses.
There's nothing that Jamie Oliver likes more than a good campaign – the campaign for better school dinners, the campaign to train the disadvantaged to be chefs, the campaign for titting around advertising Sainsbury's surrounded by elves.
But they're all old-hat, because Jamie Oliver wants to campaign for something more raw, something more visceral, something that'll frighten the general British public into never eating ever again. That's right – Jamie Oliver is going head-to-head with the battery-farmed chicken industry. In a one-off Channel 4 show – Jamie's Fowl Dinners – to be broadcast next year, Jamie Oliver is promising to graphically demonstrate the battery-farmed chicken's rearing process. Fingers crossed this will involve Jamie Oliver being shut in a tiny, airless, artificially-lit box for the rest of his life where he'll be forced to breath his own shit-fumes until a farmer cuts off his nose and mouth.
We don't know about you, but it'd certainly be the only way we'd learn.
