If anyone is still playing the ‘which member of the Spears family is most troubled’ game, we have news.
No, it’s not about Britney. She hasn’t gone bald again or lost all of her knickers. She hasn’t got married to a fat dancer or got into a screaming match with a hatstand. She hasn’t started dating a paparazzo or written a blog in Esperanto about how she’s made of moonbeams and unicorn tears. It’s about Jamie Lynn Spears.
Apparently Jamie Lynn Spears has split up with the father of her baby and moved onto a new man who’s ten years older than her. Which, by our calculations, makes him about 13. Because Jamie Lynn Spears is very young, you see. Get it? Anyone? No?
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The best thing about being in the Spears family is that nobody will ever underestimate your clanging stupidity.
Britney Spears asking if Hinduism was like Kabbalah? No surprise. Lynne Spears writing a parenting guide with one daughter a pregnant schoolgirl and another daughter in a mental hospital? Saw it coming.
Jamie Lynn Spears getting underage liposuction on her stomach because she was getting fat but didn’t realise it was because she was pregnant? No, wait, that is actually profoundly stupid. So it’s just as well that Jamie Lynn Spears said it didn’t happen, then, even though everyone else said it did.
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We know that for a few blood-chilling moments yesterday everyone thought Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again – but it’s OK, she’s not.
Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.
How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.
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Of all the bad news we’ve ever heard, this is a kind of brand-new soul-rapingly terrible type of news – Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.
Or at least Jamie Lynn Spears might be pregnant again. Just four short months after giving birth to her first baby, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly eight weeks up the duff with her second baby. And, if the reports are true, Jamie Lynn Spears reacted the same way any proud mother would if they discovered that they were bringing new life into the world – by “crying her eyes out.”
This is, it’s claimed, because Jamie Lynn Spears thought that it was impossible to get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding. And if that’s the case, the message is clear – stay in church, kids. It certainly worked for Jamie Lynn.
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We don’t know who to feel more sorry for – Jamie Lynn Spears or the man who seems to think that a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding is sexy.
Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.
We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.
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Sometimes the only way to say ‘mother, I’m afraid I’ve been having it off with a rough chap from church and now I’m bally well pregnant’ is in a letter.
And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.
Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead – a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.
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Now that Jamie Lynn Spears is a) the sister of a loopy megastar and b) a mother who’s not even old enough to vote, she’s become quite famous.
How famous? Famous enough that she gets swarmed by the paparazzi whenever she goes to an airport. Like yesterday, for example, when there were so many photographers bundling over themselves to grab a shot of Jamie Lynn Spears that she needed a large police escort to protect her.
Except she didn’t. It was all a trick. The police weren’t escorting Jamie Lynn Spears through the airport at all – they were escorting a double to fool the paparazzi while Jamie Lynn Spears could quietly slip out of another exit unnoticed. It’s awful and we demand an investigation. Not because of the waste of police resources, you understand – because people actually wanted to take Jamie Lynn Spears’ picture in the first place. Heads will roll for this, mark our words.
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Heartbreaking news – Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandkid will grow up bereft of overpriced burp cloths with ‘Yummy’ embroidered on them.
You know those reports yesterday saying that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin a bunch of baby gifts as a kindly reminder that she isn’t the only teenage girl to bring shame on her family by letting a redneck hump her without a condom until she got pregnant? Yeah, didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has denied the whole story.
If that’s the case, poor old Bristol Palin. It’s one thing to illuminate the schism between Sarah Palin’s personal and professional ideals while watching her unborn baby get hijacked as a political football by all sides, but getting the stinkeye from Zoey 101? That has to sting.
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