Do you hear that noise? That loud, regular, cracking noise that sounds like a constant 21-gun salute? You do?

Turns out that’s Jennifer Love Hewitt’s biological clock. Loud, huh? So loud, in fact, that it appears to have sent Jennifer Love Hewitt a bit berserk. You see, Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t married yet. Or engaged. But all that’s going to change, yes sirree.

Jennifer Love Hewitt says that if her boyfriend hasn’t proposed to her in a year, there’ll be ‘a situation’. Save the date, kids – June 4 2010 is the date Jennifer Love Hewitt officially becomes a gnarled old spinster. Fun!

Deep down, you have to feel a little bit sorry for Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nothing’s really turned the way she wanted. A decade ago it looked like she might become one of the biggest actresses on the planet, with a glittering pop career that’d rival the likes of Britney Spears and a blissful marriage to an A-list husband. Fast-forward to now, though, and what does Jennifer Love Hewitt have?

A CV full of nightmarish phrases like ‘Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties‘, ‘Jackie Chan’s The Tuxedo‘ and ‘That awful programme about the woman who grimaces sympathetically at ghosts’, that’s what. Add to that plans to record a country album – everyone’s favourite last-ditch bid for musical recognition – and a total lack of any form of wedding bells whatsoever, and you’ve got yourself a sad little picture of unfulfilled desire.

And that’s something that Jennifer Love Hewitt just isn’t going to stand for any more. She already has one broken engagement behind her, so she’s decided to grab life by the scruff of the neck and take matters into her own hands the only way she knows how – by publicly warning her boyfriend that if he hasn’t proposed to her in 12 months’ time, she’s going to rip his balls off and shove them up his nose. Marie Claire reports:

The actress has been dating her Ghost Whisperer co-star Jamie Kennedy since December last year. However, talking on Arizona radio’s Johnjay And Rich show, the 30-year-old [said] ‘By this time next year, if we’re not planning something, then there’s a situation,’ she stressed.

Attagirl, Jen. After all, everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart is through a series of humiliating public ultimatums. Keep this up for long enough and you’ll have broken his spirit so much that he won’t just become glumly resigned to the fact that you’re going to marry him, but also to the fact that you want chihuahuas for bridesmaids and a first dance accompanied by a medley of Shania Twain songs performed on a harp, too. Not bad for someone who you haven’t even been going out with for a year yet. Take note, girls.

But still, it’s a little bit sad that Jennifer Love Hewitt has been forced into a position where she literally has to terrify a man in front of an audience to even get close to getting married. What’s the moral of this story? We say it’s that none of this would have happened if Jennifer Love Hewitt had done the decent thing and taken her top off once or twice in a film back when people liked her.

Then again, that is our answer to everything.

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Seriously, 96 consecutive months without being infuriated by David Arquette, worrying about the threat of a sudden Matthew Lillard cameo or bothering to remember that Liev Schreiber even exists. Yes, a world without Scream is a happy world indeed.

But don’t get too cosy, because there’s a Scream 4 on the way. There definitely is. Definitely. We know this because Jamie Kennedy, star of Dinotopia: Quest for the Ruby Sunstone, seems to be under the vague impression that there might be. Still, that’s enough to give us the right old bloody hump for the day. For a change.

Scream. That was a clever movie, wasn’t it? It subverted the form of the horror genre, turning something scary and thrilling into something so smug that it made you want to shove your fist down your throat and pummel your kidneys into goo from the inside.

It also helped inspire cinema greats like The Faculty, Urban Legend, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legends: Final Cut, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legends: Bloody Mary. That’s one hell of a legacy.

More than that, though, Scream also inspired Scream 2 and Scream 3 – films that answered the question “What would Scream be like if you remade it to be exactly the same but not as good twice?” And now it looks as if Scream has also inspired Scream 4.

Wait, we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that Scream 4 has already been made. A smug horror film directed by Wes Craven and written by Kevin Williamson that came after Scream 3? Why, that’s Cursed - the story where Christina Ricci possibly turns into a werewolf and something happens at the end that we don’t know about because we turned it off halfway through because it was a bunch of arseholes.

Will Scream 4 be able to reach the lofty heights of Cursed? One thing’s for sure – Jamie Kennedy seems to think it is. And he was in Son Of The Mask, so he clearly knows a shitload about class. According to iF:

“I actually had a conversation with somebody very big in the organization, and there’s a way,” he tells iF. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but they have plans for a lot of things. You can see new faces that you wouldn’t expect and you can see old faces that you wouldn’t believe. There’s a way to bring a lot of things around.”

New faces you wouldn’t expect? Old faces you wouldn’t believe? Does this mean Liza Minelli’s going to star in Scream 4? Because she’s kind of both those things.

Perhaps we’re being too hard on Scream 4. After all, enough time has passed since Scream 3 for there to be a new take on the formula. Technology has changed immeasurably since the last movie, so perhaps Scream 4 can revolve around that. So, basically, it’d be exactly the same as Scream, but with iPhones. We’d watch that.

For the sake of transparency we feel inclined to point out that we wouldn’t actually watch that.