What is Kevin Costner famous for? Well, he sang I Will Always Love You and said “back, and to the left” for five hours straight in JFK and… uh… he was in the terrible Waterworld. And that’s about it.

And now, getting the chance to redeem himself from such atrocities, he now being lamer than a horse sanctuary, wimping out of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’.

Thank god we’ve got Kurt Russell – a real man – to take his place. Whaddaguy!

Alas, this is only a rumour at the moment, but if it turns out to be true, then it would see Russell reuniting with Tarantino after they worked together on 2007′s Death Proof.

So what will Kurt be doing, now that Costner is being a filthy chump?

Well, Russell will take on the role of Ace, a vicious understudy to Leonardo DiCaprio’s bad guy plantation owner. Expect racist dialogue that will make you laugh guiltily.

It appears that Costner pulled out of Tarantino’s spaghetti western thanks to “scheduling conflicts.” That’s code for ‘I don’t think I’ve got the nuts to do a film that is in any way edgy, soz’.

And when can we see this flick?

Django Unchained is scheduled for release on Christmas Day 2012. Expect theatres to smell like sprout farts and sherry scented puke.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Samuel L Jackson is, once again, going to be teaming up with Quentin Tarantino. It has been confirmed and everything. This is fine, fine news.

Jackson’s publicist has told Variety that the actor has signed up for the film Django Unchained.

What’s Django Unchained? We like to think of it as Slave Japes. We also really hope Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a role in it. Let us explain.

Jackson (the hardest working man in Hollywood, c/o absolutely everybody) has been tipped to play Stephen.

Stephen is a house slave and the right-hand man of a sadistic slavemaster.

This is where Arnie comes in. See, since he went and had a secret love-child with a maid, he’s exactly the kind of actor that needs his career reviving with a curve ball penned by Tarantino.

With a Nazish accent, some dialogue that would be appalling and poor taste in anyone else’s hands, Arnold would be a brilliant sadistic slave-driver.

Elsewhere, Jamie Foxx strongly rumoured to be appearing in the movie’s title role in the movie while, sadly, everyone else is making eyes at Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of the evil plantation owner.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

When Quentin Tarantino makes a movie, it is always interesting to see who he’ll cast. He plunders old b-movie actors and the like, putting them up against proper A-listers. He also clearly gets aroused over Uma Thurman’s massive feet, but that’s another story.

While we can’t guess where he’ll go for his cult actors, it appears that the big name attached to his new slavesploitation flick, Django Unchained, is the one and only Leonardo DiCaprio who weirdly can’t act and isn’t that good-looking anymore, but still seems to get gigantic roles.

Sadly, one name that has dropped out of the race is Will Smith who isn’t so keen on playing the title role of slave Django. Shame. It would’ve been interesting to see how the two would have worked together, so we guess we’ll just have to wait and see which action movie Smith with gurn in next.

Will Smith’s departure isn’t all bad though as Idris Elba is in the running and he’s excellent. Also being bandied about are the less excellent Jamie Foxx and Chris Tucker.

Anyway, we’re talking about pudding headed DiCaprio. So who will he be playing? Well, it seems that Leonardo’s character would be a “charming but ruthless” owner of club Candyland. Will DiCaprio be searching his soul and drawing on real-life experiences to drag out the performance of a lifetime?

He’ll be surrounded by female slaves who he uses as sex objects and surrounded by men who are forced to fight each other to the death. So you decided whether or not he’ll be drawing from personal experiences.

In other boring news, three-time Oscar-nommer Leonardo has quite a few dull films in the pipeline, set to star in in ‘J. Edgar’ as J. Edgar and he’s also going to star in ‘The Great Gatsby’.

The thought of him surrounded by ultra-violence, sex and a great soundtrack is much more appealing AND it’ll enable us to finally see what the point of DiCaprio actually is.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Caddyshack. Of course. Caddyshack. American Idol had its annual Songs From Films Of Cinematic Worth week this week.

And it chose Caddyshack. And by some horrific fluke, Crystal Bowersox – who decided to use this week’s American Idol as an outlet for her Caddyshack theme-tune recital ability – wasn’t instantly voted off American Idol. Instead it was Michael Lynche, who flicked through every iconic, Oscar-winning song from movie history before deciding to just wail out a ditty from Free Willy instead. Yes, Free Willy had songs in it. Who knew?

Michael Lynche has left American Idol. That means that this will no longer be another one of those American Idol seasons that’s won by a big fat black man. No, this season of American Idol is going to break new ground by either being won by a man with girl’s hair or a woman who looks like she’s allergic to soap.

In a way, it didn’t matter who left American Idol this week. That’s because American Idol had bigger fish to fry – it had to find a way to, for once, not make Jamie Foxx the worst thing about the show. Because Jamie Foxx is always the worst thing about the episodes of American Idol he’s in. He’s always the worst thing about everything he’s in. He was the worst thing about Stealth, he was the worst thing about that Michael Jackson tribute show that he held up just to show all the bereaved fans how far he could moonwalk, and he’s definitely the worst thing about all of his albums.

Jamie Foxx is awful. But somehow the producers did it – even though Jamie Foxx is a walking, talking, unbearably self-satisfied human atrocity, he still wasn’t the worst thing about American Idol‘s Songs From The Movies week. And that’s because the songs from the movies were the worst thing about American Idol‘s Songs From The Movies week. Given all the amazing songs from all the amazing movies in the history of time, here’s what they chose to perform:

Michael Lynche – Will You Be There from Free Willy.

Crystal Bowersox – I’m Alright from Caddyshack.

Casey James – Mrs Robinson from The Graduate.

Lee DeWyze – Kiss From A Rose from The Batman Film With Jim Carrey In It.

Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze – Falling Slowly from Some Irish Film That Nobody Has Ever Even Heard Of.

Michael Lynche and Casey James – A Poxy Brian Adams Song That Deserves Never To Be Heard In Public Ever Again from Some Bollocks Or Other.

Crystal Bowersox and Casey James and Lee DeWyze and Michael Lynche - The Aggressive Instrumental from the DVD Piracy Is Theft informercial.

Michael Lynche and Lee DeWyze and Casey James and Crystal Bowersox and Jamie Foxx – The theme tune to Beadle’s About from Beadle’s About.

Anyway, because it’s against American Idol rules to rush onstage and murder all of them with a cattle gun the second they open their mouths, it was decided that the next best thing would be to just vote Michael Lynche off instead. So that’s what happened. You may remember that Michael Lynche was saved by the judges a few weeks ago, so really it’s all their fault that we had to sit through a song from bloody Free Willy this week. We won’t forget that, American Idol judges. We won’t forget that at all.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

It’s 2010! The start of a brand new year, a time when everything ahead of you is ripe with possibility. How wonderful.

Except it won’t be. We hate to break this to you, but 2010 is going to be crap. Just like 2009 was crap, just like 2008 was crap, just like every stinking year since the stupid year that you weren’t asked to be born was crap.

Why are we so certain that 2010 will be a great big stinking turd of galactic proportions? Glad you asked – we’ve assembled the ten most dreadful, unavoidable handfuls of crap that’ll be flung at you before the year is out. Don’t say we didn’t warn you…

10 – TV: The end of Lost

Lost’s final season starts soon. This is crap mainly because Lost is good – and a world without Lost is obviously worse than a world with Lost – but it’s also crap because the writers might balls it all up by revealing that Locke is Jack’s dad, and that Desmond is really an alien and that it was all only dream. If any of these things happen, 2010 will be the crappest year in history.

9 – EVENT: The World Cup

Yes, look, England have got the easiest group and we’re going to win and blah blah blah. Except England won’t win. England will do what they always do against apparently weak opposition – they’ll complacently swan into the first match, go 2-0 down, end up clawing back a draw, repeat this for the rest of the group matches get knocked out in the quarter finals and come back to see that The Sun has superimposed their heads onto a photo of some cows.  It’ll be crap.

8 – ALBUM: Jamie Foxx, Body

Great, thanks, just what we need – an album by a 42-year-old man who thinks he’s cooler, funnier and more attractive than he actually is. An album by the bloke from The Soloist. An album by the twonk who hijacked a memorial service for Michael Jackson to show everyone how well he can moonwalk. An album with a lead single called Speak French that sounds like someone has taped down the ‘pervert’ button on a 1980s Casio keyboard. No. Crap.

7 – FILM: Footloose

Remember Footloose? Remember how you only liked it ironically and would never ever watch it of your own accord? Well, they’re doing a remake. Worse, they’re doing a remake with the bloke from Gossip Girl. Worse, there’s probably going to be a titting electroclash remix of that awful Kenny Loggins song. Ugh.

6 – TV: FlashForward

Now, FlashForward makes the list for one simple reason: the first episode was awesome, but the further FlashForward gets away from the pilot, the worse it becomes. FlashForward isn’t returning until March, and that’s an awful long way from the pilot. We’ve got a horrible feeling that, by March, FlashForward is going to be all William Shakespeare shouting “BECAUSE I WAS LOADED, OK?” and none of the stuff about the 20 million dead people. Heroes 2.0, basically. Crap.

5 – FILM: Saw VII

Why? Why? Didn’t you run out of exciting ways to kill people about four films ago? What’s this one going to be about? Jigsaw slowly beating a man to death with a rolled-up copy of Bella? Making a man eat ice cream so quickly that he gets brainfreeze and dies? Chinese-burning a man to death? Honestly Jigsaw, just shoot people. Shoot them in the head. Your poxy films wouldn’t be so bloody unbearable if you just did shot people in the head.

4 – FILM: The Chronicles Of Narnia: Voyage Of The Dawn Treader

Oh really? You’re really going to make all the Narnia movies, even though The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe is literally the only one that people like? The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader hasn’t got any witches OR wardrobes in it, plus all the adorable child actors from the first film are all about 35 years old by now. Plus it’s about a boat. Plus if they keep making Narnia films, we’ll eventually have to put up with The Horse And His Boy, a story about a horse. And a boy. Crap crap crappity crap.

3 – TV: Dancing On Ice

Oh for God’s sake. Another bunch of awful bastards who Celebrity Big Brother didn’t want. Another load of tedious Torvill & Dean routines. Another endless, soul-draining reality TV show that takes up too much of your weekend and only gives you the mind-scarring sight of Bobby Davro in a horrible leotard in return. Crap. Unless someone accidentally slices open an artery with one of their skates, in which case we reserve the right to upgrade Dancing On Ice to ‘awesome’.

2 – FILM: Eclipse

No. Just no. It isn’t even the one where Robert Pattinson chews off Kristen Stewart’s mimsy. Crapula.

1 – ALBUM: Ringo Starr, Y Not

Although Ringo Starr’s last album Liverpool 8 was a work of supreme cack-handed cockery, we feel certain in predicting that Ringo Starr’s new album Y Not will be the absolute worst thing to happen across the entire duration of 2010. Why? Because the album’s press release begins like this:

Throughout recorded history, great artists across the universe have dared to ask “Why?” On January 12, 2010, one brave man named Ringo finally boldly declares the ultimate answer — Y Not.

And also because if we hear Ringo Starr say “peace and love” one more lousy time, we’re going to make a voodoo doll that looks exactly like him and kick the shit out of it. Honestly, he’s such a cock.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Guess what happened on American Idol last night. Everyone sang songs. And Adam Lambert sang the best song. Shocking.

Oh, wait. No. We meant massively predictable. But still, even though we all know who’s going to win American Idol but still have to suffer through everyone else lumbering cluelessly through songs they’ve clearly never heard before, at least the judges can mix things up.

During last night’s American Idol Ratpack Night, Paula Abdul told Adam Lambert that he was ‘Michael Phelps‘. Or an ‘eyeball whelk’. Or ‘my heel yelps’. Honestly, who knows what that bloody woman was babbling on about.

After a few weeks of dangerous experimentation – yes, for American Idol two Bryan Adams songs in an hour does constitute dangerous experimentation – American Idol was back in familiar territory last night with its annual Ratpack night. You know, the night where the remaining American Idol contestants are schooled in old-fashioned power and charm by a twinkly veteran like Tony Bennett.

Well, replace ‘Tony Bennett’ with ‘Jamie Foxx‘, ‘old-fashioned power and charm’ with ‘just being thankful that they were getting to spend some time within touching distance of the superstar Jamie Foxx’ and ‘twinkly veteran’ with ‘objectionable bellend’ and that’s exactly what last night’s American Idol was like.

Oh, we’re being too harsh on Jamie Foxx. After all, he once starred in a film that was set in roughly the same time period as when the Ratpack were alive, so he’s clearly an expert. Also if any of the American Idol contestants wanted to learn how to desperately try to distance themselves from offensive comments they made about a child, mentors don’t come any more experienced than Jamie Foxx.

But anyway, onto last night’s American Idol performances. Danny Gokey was told he was better than usual because he didn’t blink as much (or something), Allison Iraheta was told that she was a laser-eyed robot programmed to destroy humanity (or something), Kris Allen was told that he was a dark horse because he can crap and walk at the same time and often lets Irish midgets ride around on his back in his leisure time (or something) and Matt Giraud was told that he was rubbish (he was rubbish).

And then there’s Adam Lambert, the obvious winner of American Idol, who last night performed Feeling Good in such a preposterously gay way that we were half expecting to see a chorus line of kittens dressed as the cast of Sex And The City get shot out of a glitter cannon at the midway point. Following his performance, Paula Abdul told Adam Lambert:

“It’s like watching the Olympics and you’re our Michael Phelps.”

Let’s hope for all of our sakes that Paula Abdul is right here. Not because it’d be an outrage if Adam Lambert and his abundance of talent didn’t end up winning American Idol, but because we’re quite looking forward to the time when Adam Lambert gets photographed smoking drugs at a rubbish house party and isn’t allowed to endorse breakfast cereal any more. And that’s the only reason. What of it?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

When Jamie Foxx said that he wanted Miley Cyrus to catch Chlamydia from a bike, he messed with the wrong dude.

Or the right dude. He messed with Billy Ray Cyrus. And now Billy Ray Cyrus wants blood. “It was hurtful,” he said, before adding “If anyone is going to turn Miley Cyrus into a disease-ridden drug addict it’ll be me and my relentless desire to piggyback vicariously on her wealth and fame regardless of the cost. Not Jamie Foxx. ME!”

Just to clear that up, Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t actually say that last bit. He probably thought it, though.

In many ways, Billy Ray Cyrus is just a normal dad who wants the best for his kids. True, when we say ‘normal’ we mean ‘in the clutches of such a startling mid-life crisis that he appears to have strapped a vagina onto his chin’ and when we say ‘wants the best for his kids’ we mean ‘wants to push his kids into the brutal world of showbusiness so that he can live in a quite big house’, but you get the jist.

So when a man – no, worse than a man, an actor from the movie Stealth – uses his radio show to spew out a torrent of inappropriate hatred about his teenage daughter, then Billy Ray Cyrus has no choice but to stop thinking rationally.

And that’s what happened after Jamie Foxx started to rant about Miley Cyrus on his radio show this weekend, suggesting that Miley Cyrus should take heroin and crack and become a lesbian and make a sex tape. Although Jamie Foxx made a grovelling apology to Miley Cyrus on TV a few days ago, it was too late. Billy Ray Cyrus’ blood surged. He saw nothing but red. Generations of boiling testosterone welled up inside him until he was forced to take the most furious course of action available to him.

That’s right – Billy Ray Cyrus went on a daytime television programme to describe how badly Jamie Foxx had hurt his feelings. Yesterday Billy Ray Cyrus told Bonnie Hunt:

“It was hurtful. There wasn’t nothing funny about it. And, quite frankly, I think if I said those things about his daughter, he might not find it so comedic.”

Oh Billy Ray Cyrus, don’t stop there. We know you’re dying to do it – say something about Jamie Foxx’s daughter. And remember, it has to be worse than wishing she’d become a lesbian heroin addict, or it doesn’t count. Go on, include a couple of sailors and a horny monkey into the insult. Give her a beak. Set it in space. You can do it, Billy Ray Cyrus! We believe in you!

Actually, we’re being highly inconsiderate here. What father wouldn’t fight back against a slur about his daughter? Also, remember that he’s essentially doing us all a favour – the more Billy Ray Cyrus speaks out about Jamie Foxx, the less Miley Cyrus has to. And, quite frankly, every second that we don’t have to look at Miley Cyrus’ face or hear her stupid voice is a second that we don’t want to hurl ourselves off the nearest bridge.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Jamie Foxx is a comedian. No, really, he is. He’s a comedian. That’s why The Soloist is such a laugh-riot. He’s a comedian.

You know what that means. Sometimes Jamie Foxx has been known to push the boundaries of taste. Maybe he’ll make an off-colour remark here, or embark upon an entire offensive movie career there. And that’s because Jamie Foxx is a comedian. It’s what he does. But there’s a line.

And that line is roughly located right before you suggest that Miley Cyrus should become a lesbian crack addict, if Jamie’s grovelling apology is anything to go by.

Jamie Foxx is a modern-day renaissance man. We think. ‘Renaissance man’ does mean that you do a lot of things but none of them particularly well, doesn’t it? Anyway, you just need to look at Jamie Foxx’s biography to know we’re right. He’s tried everything – acting on TV, acting in a fairly balanced selection of decent and appalling films, making three R&B albums that genuinely couldn’t be any less essential if they were made out of butter, deliberately misspelling his surname in order to make him seem like a massive show-off turd – everything.

But at heart Jamie Foxx has always been a comedian, and his lifelong inability to ever say or do anything even remotely amusing shouldn’t detract from that. Why, just the other day Jamie Foxx decided to use his Sirius radio show to turn his comedy spotlight onto 16-year-old Miley Cyrus:

“Who is Miley Cyrus? The one with all the gums? She’s got to get a gum transplant! … make a sex tape and grow up. Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Do like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian and get some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat… That’s what I want.”

However, Jamie Foxx is nothing if not a realist. He’s seen how similar outbursts by comedians like Michael Richards and Mel Gibson have threatened to put an end to their careers – plus they were only offending entire communities, not anything serious like a solitary teenage millionaire – which is why Jamie Foxx decided the only way to put everything right was to go on Jay Leno and apologise relentlessly like a child or a woman would. Jamie said:

“I so apologize … and this is sincere. I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don’t mean any of it. I have a radio show… We’re really the black Howard Stern. We go at everybody. There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn’t mean it maliciously. You know I’m a comedian. You know my heart. Miley, I apologize, so I’ll call you. I got a daughter too, so I completely understand.”

Nice try, Jamie Foxx, but this strikes us as too little too late. The wheels of outrage have already been set in motion, and they’re going to trundle along until they reach their inevitable messy conclusion. And when that happens, and Miley Cyrus records 15 hour-long YouTube videos ranting away at how much of a douchebag Jamie Foxx is with her stupid insufferable voice until we all have strokes and die, Jamie will have nobody to blame but himself.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Well right off, let us just tell you that the title up there has probably misled you a little.

Sure, Jamie Foxx did recently fend off an intruder in his own hotel room recently, but sources have since indicated it was his Nanna.

And now just let us tell you that the above paragraph may have misled you as well. Although Foxx did have to push an intruder out of his hotel door, we’re told it was more of a stalker-type relationship than an actual blood relative.

Also nobody died, and nobody was foxy.

When you’re living the Jamie Foxx lifestyle you have to be ready for absolutely anything. You’ve gotta be ready to be the invisible one on In Living Color. Also, you’ve gotta be ready to always sign your name with two Xs just because you decided it looked cool in eighth grade, you’ve gotta be ready to apparently remake August Rush in 2009 but with a grown black man instead of a little white orphan, and perhaps most importantly you have to be ready to physically push stalkers posing as Beyonce‘s music producer out of your hotel room before they stab you like they may well have been planning.

That actually happened recently. No really – TMZ will tell you:

“…sources say Jamie had to physically struggle to shove a 49-year-old perp out of his room, after the guy tricked Foxx into thinking he was Beyonce’s producer. We’re told Jamie realized something was wrong as soon as he opened the door, but the suspect quickly tried to push his way inside. Fortunately, Jamie overpowered him and slammed the door in his face. Law enforcement sources say the man, later identified as Willie Brown, then fled from the scene.”

In his defence, the stalker thought he was sneaking past Ray Charles. He was probably shocked when Foxx’s line of sight seemed to follow him almost perfectly.

What a dumb stalker. Doesn’t he know you’ve gotta train for stuff like that? If you are gonna successfully push past Jamie Foxx to successfully be in his room at least long enough to successfully convince him that although you’re both men, these feelings can’t be wrong – you’ve gotta train first. You’ve gotta hit the treadmill, you’ve gotta hit the free weights, and lastly, you should really practice sneaking through holes made out of door frames and mock-ups of Jamie’s legs and chest.

Only then will love find you. Only then will lifelong gay love with Jamie Foxx possibly find you.

Nothing worth it comes easy, stalker.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!