Remember Britney Spears bending over whilst sporting nothing but a short nightie, showing her meat to a security guard? Remember? She also sent him naked pictures of herself? Honestly. A security guard who worked for her said it, so it must be true.
That’s because, as Kevin Costner showed us, security guards are just about the only people you can really trust on this awful planet.
Britney’s old guard is so trustworthy that he’s been telling us all about Dirty Spears. She’s a bad apple. She pestered him for sex when he was just trying to do an honest day’s work. And there she was, flashing her stinking undercarriage at him and reeking like an ashtray. You think we’re making this up? Read on for the undeniable proof.
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You may think of Britney Spears as some kind of pop-star who made a handful of decent records (backed by astonishing, saccharine dross), but really, she’s a wedding machine. She’s in danger of being remembered like Liz Taylor – Mad as a hatter and a loft filled with wedding dresses.
That’s right! Ol’ Britters is getting married again, meaning that she possibly doesn’t take the whole wedding vows thing seriously at all (which should be applauded really – what a stupid, stupid institution marriage is) or, she really can’t get enough of the marzipan in wedding cake (it just doesn’t taste right on its own, obviously).
So now we approach wedding number three (and of course, imminent divorce number three), we can coo about her plans and try and figure out who it is she’s actually going with at the moment because we don’t recall anyone being mentioned outside of lawsuits and sexual harassment cases.
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Britney Spears has been called a lot of things in her time. Oh yes, insults ranging from ‘tuneless’ and ‘ fruiter’ to ‘baldy’ have been hurled in her direction over the years and no-one really cared to set the record straight as they were all probably pretty spot on.
However, one recent slur, cruelly branding Britney a ‘corporate puppet’ has outraged songwriter Savan Kotecha so much he opened his mouth and said something which sounded exactly like this:
“No. I think these big artists don’t get where they are unless them and their team are running the show. Simple as that”. Is it? IS IT???
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Britney Spears is a prisoner in her own home. Haven’t you heard? The enormous mansions she owns in California and Louisiana are basically ‘prisons’. Really large prisons where the chairs still have padding.
While we go and pick the neighbourhood locks in hopes of being thrown into A Britney Spears Prison of Awesome, you may like to know the latest on the singer. She’s being controlled by the people around her, according to the latest reports out of America.
She’s watched, monitored, followed, and still has to ask to spend her own money. Her calls are screened and she probably has to ask before she wees too. In Touch Magazine in the U.S. alleges that Britney is under a literal lock-down. She has to ask before spending time with other adults. And she basically interacts with no one outside her team.
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Rihanna is no longer a mere popstar. By design, she’s become pop-culture’s newest Bettie Page. By flirting with a sado-mas0chistic image and talking about spanking all the time, she’s become the poster girl for those too shy to actually ever try it out in the bedroom themselves.
As such, this has seen spectacular idiots equating consensual slap and tickle with its safe words and boundaries to Chris Brown being dead-on for banjoing her in the face with his incredibly bony knuckles.
But let us not think about Chris Brown and his long, thin member. Instead, fill your mind with the thought of Rihanna spanking Britney Spears’ wobbly posterior.
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The world today is filled with Britney Spears fans who are very pleased with themselves. They’ve finished watching her ‘Till the World Ends’ video for the hundredth time and have finally tucked away their genitals, thrilled that Britney hasn’t let them down. Now it is time for them to scour the internet to pick a fight.
That’s because Britney’s fans are as devoted/mental as Michael Jackson fans and the vaguest hint of criticism sees them leaping to their feet and shouting angrily at the sky, unable to compute why anyone would say bad things about their idol.
So they’ll be made-up that there are allegations floating around, saying that Spears didn’t do the dance in the latest promotional video and that, it was actually undertaken by a stunt double called Tiana Brown who doesn’t move around like an aged canine waiting for God to take them and end this awful pain of ‘moving around a bit’.
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While Britney Spears’ image has taken a hammering over the years, at least she’s still been able to knock out some half decent pop records right? And her next one, ‘Till The World Ends’ looks destined to be a dancefloor winner.
However, we’ve got a video to endure before then, which means we’ll have to watch her awkwardly stumble around like she’s punchdrunk amongst arm-snapping, hip-popping dancers who only serve to make Britney look like she’s suffering from Parkinson’s.
The poor love. And there’s a 30 second teaser of her new track which is all dystopian and that, like she’s been watching Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation’ video.
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There’s no hiding from the fact that Britney Spears has made some of the most infectious pop records of the past 20 years, but crumbs and crikey, she’s looking a bit glassy eyed and lost at the moment.
If it wasn’t for the will to slice up and fast edit her videos, we’d see her dancing around like an aged pony padding around a field, listlessly chewing a farmer’s trousers leg before slumping to its knees and simply expiring through malaise.
Not surprising really as Spears has been in the press more frequently for her alleged antics away from the microphone, this time, over perfume. Is it scalding people and making their skin fall off?
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