Shopping. If there’s one thing teenage girls are meant to be good at, it’s that. Right? Well, apparently not. For last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar’s minions proved that particular stereotype spectacularly wrong.

The task they were set was simple enough; they just had to buy stuff. That’s it. Not buy stuff and sell it on, not buy stuff and brand it, not buy stuff and make an ad for it. No. Just buy stuff. Specifically, they had to buy 10 items for the waxwork figures at Madame Tussauds.

We’re not sure if the Sith Lord was intending to use the task to smash gender stereotypes, or if he’s just recruited a particularly useless bunch this year. Either way, they were utterly hopeless.

Before the children could fail at buying stuff though, there was the usual team rejig. Which now seemingly exists to try and get Posh Harry out of the competition, for he was moved over to be on a team with Lizzie, Hayley and Zara. Other Harry, Irish James and Heya meanwhile, formed their own little miniature team. Lord Sugar tried to use their original names, but frankly there’s been more swapping of members than even an average day in the Sugababes, so we’ve lost track of who’s meant to be who.

What we do know is this; Other Harry made the most pathetic attempt of all time to put himself forward for project manager. He said he’d be alright with giving it a shot but he didn’t know London, so maybe Heya should do it. AT LEAST A HUNDRED TIMES. Eventually, Heya said she’d do it if she really had to. And so began the most disorganised shopping trip of all time.

It turns out that Heya had no actual plan at all, just a vague list of places in London that she might’ve been once. She muttered some stuff about sort of knowing Camden, and then her team all got into taxis and just went off to try and look for things.

Heya stayed with Irish James – presumably to stop him from using his “negotiating skills” to tell people that they were utter cockmonkeys – and embarked on some ridiculous lying to try and get a cheap guitar. Apparently, at the tender age of 6, these children have already worked out that lying is the way to get to the top in corporate life. And so they went around guitar shops saying they needed one cheap for Heya’s brother’s birthday, the lying bastards. What would the Occupy London protesters say?

Unfortunately for Heya, once she’d tricked people into giving her a cheap guitar, it became apparent that she’d forgotten to actually work out who was looking for what. Or even what they were looking for. They’d been told to try and find a Dashiki, which they couldn’t even pronounce, let alone find. Other Harry took to roaming the streets of Shepherd’s Bush asking passing strangers if they knew what it was. Which they didn’t. Although maybe they did, and just didn’t fancy telling a besuited infant with a film crew in tow. Find it out the hard way, Other Harry!

Unbelievably enough, the other team actually did manage to find out what a Dashiki was, but were utterly shite at everything else. Project manager Lizzie decided that maybe some organization might be a good thing, and got her team to ring around before the set out. Which seemed like a good idea. Except it wasn’t.

Because it turns out that ringing around isn’t enough to stop two teenage girls ignoring all logic and reason and heading off to Croydon to try and buy a pocket watch. Croydon. That place which is best known for Kate Moss, Ikea, and being on fire. Sod all the jewelers of London, Hayley and Zara really fancied a nice little day trip and a £130 pocket watch. Who doesn’t?

Posh Harry, meanwhile, was busily ignoring everything everyone ever said, and was trying to buy a child’s suit in an adult’s tailor on Savile Row. It didn’t matter how many times Lizzie yelled at him to try a kid’s shop, he wasn’t having any of it. It’s almost like he can’t hear anyone whose household income is less than £250,000 per year. Which means even if he sees this, he won’t be able to understand it, so we can be as horrible about him as we like. The cockwhore.

Which is a good thing, because clearly everyone thinks he’s a total dickwad. Everyone, that is, except for Lizzie. After her team lost the task by spending a whacking great £500 more than the others and not even getting all the stuff, she decided to let Posh Harry go back to the house, and brought Zara and her pocketwatch and Hayley and her manners back into the boardroom with her.

After some debate about whether or not Zara is an evil, domineering bitch from hell, Hayley found herself sent home for being just too quiet. Which really, was missing the two most important lessons of this week’s show. Firstly, Zara really needs to find a new boardroom outfit. And secondly, it turns out shambolic disorganization IS the way to win at life. Which is great news all round.

Another day, another wonderful look into the personal life of a fame casualty.

Well, we say ‘a’, we should really say ‘the’ fame casualty. Yes folks, it’s Britney Watch day 35,598 – what’s going to happen?! Not much really, but still – the conservatorship that has been in place since February of this year has been extended for another five months.

Meaning what, exactly? Well, that daddy gets to tell little Miss Spears what to do, how to do it and how to spend her money until the end of the year, as well as being in control of, well – everything.

And we bet he’s loving every second of it.

But it’s not all bad for the former pop queen of the universe who is now head-mental, as these orders aren’t set in stone and can be rescinded at any given time. We’re willing to bet the orders stay just as they are, seeing as the person likely to be contesting them the most will be the woman who claimed she was the devil, married Kevin Federline and then got her kids took off her (there’s no point in linking to all those stories again again again, so let’s go wiiiiith… this one).

She just doesn’t have much of a good case, frankly.

At least we can rest easy in hecklerspray towers knowing that James Spears – papa – isn’t too much of a controlling, fame-hungry cretin hell bent on making his kid live out his missed opportunities vicariously. We hope. Good crikey we hope.

Britney should see this in a positive light though – sure, she has no real control over her own life, has a succession of failed relationships, isn’t allowed to look after her own kids and has had a mental breakdown in front of the whole world.

But which 26-year-old wouldn’t want to go home and sit around doing nothing for a year, being looked after by their parents and not having to lift a finger? Which is effectively what has happened here, let’s not split hairs.

In fact, screw all the sympathetic press Britney’s been getting – she’s bloody lucky to be in this situation. We bet she never runs out of bog roll and there’s always food in the cupboards. Plus if someone she doesn’t want to talk to comes round she can just send her dad to tell them to piss off, instead of having to politely put up with them for a couple of hours, as you do when living in your own place.

Plus there’s no worries about bills, TV licensing, dodgy landlords and the like.

Britney Spears really is the luckiest person in the world right now.

Maybe when she gets this legal freedom back – possibly later this year, though likely the beginning of next year – she’ll opt to stay at home, eventually becoming one of those complete embarrassments to pops, living in the basement, eating nothing but pasta and trawling the internets all day long.

Yes: she’ll become a hecklerspray writer. The irony would be too delicious to handle.

Do you remember a time when it was okay to be named ‘Osama’? When you wouldn’t get looked at funny, or referred to as ‘that one that is probably a terrorist, just because he shares the name with a bad man’?

We just ask as it’s quite funny, seeing as Britney Spears’ one-time sidekick is named Osama and all the popular press and the like refer to him as ‘Sam’. If it weren’t for some events in September of 2001 then maybe hecklerspray would accept that this were simply a nickname, or shortened version of his given name. As it is, however, Osama Lutfi is clearly referred to as Sam for fear of being likened to a terrorist.

Silly as that may be, he doesn’t exactly help his cause when he gets the master of mental – that’s Britney, fact fans – to put out a restraining order on him. Which is exactly what happened. But fret not, as Britney no longer wishes for it to be law that he can’t come near her! Thank the almighty for that.

Osama Lutfi was at Britney’s side during a fair bit of her much-publicised spiral of insanity earlier this year, with Britney’s own mother accusing ‘he with the safely Americanised shortened name’ of holding her daughter hostage, drugging her and controlling her finances.

The obvious solution to that problem was, of course, to put Britney’s father, James, in charge of her personal life, keeping control on her movements as well as controlling her finances. This was all on top of – just to be on the safe side – putting out a restraining order on Osama.

Lutfi, that is – not bin Laden. That would be a bit daft.

For once it would seem like Britney had done something pretty sane – a man apparently contributed in an incredibly negative fashion to her life, so she got the law to tell him he can’t come within 250 yards of her. Fair play. Then she decides that she doesn’t want to renew the restraining order, but still doesn’t want him to come anywhere near hear… whu?

Ahhh – it all makes sense. Britney’s papa will just stand in the way of the door, telling Osama something like ‘she’s practising her VMA routine’, ‘she’s gone to see the kids‘ or ‘she’s going a bit mad for the TV cameras again’. It will all work out perfectly, we’re sure.

The attorney who must be earning a warehouse full of of cash by dealing with Britney said these words:

“Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama ‘Sam’ Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future.”

Take that, Osama! Hecklerspray hasn’t even had a pointless restraining order off Britney Spears in the first place, and we follow her even more than you apparently do. We even have the shape of her face burned onto our skin, and we don’t have to change our names for fear of idiotic reactions. The system works!

Whereas it would be nice to get an irate, aggressive and downright shocking reaction from Osama Lutfi, threatening to pursue Miss Spears to the ends of the earth (or just push her dad out of the way), we have to settle with what he told the AP:

“Mr. Lutfi and Mr. Spears have mutually agreed in private that no hearing or order is necessary at this time.”

And how are we meant to sensationalise that? Bugger it – he probably still has a crap beard anyway.